if she doesn't do her homework

ONLINE PARENTING COACH

Help for parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens.

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help. Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring.
Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain. In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information. Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has. Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too. He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.
Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.
Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).
Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life. Along with this comes getting good grades. All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
instructions are unclear
neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
the assignments are often too hard or too easy
the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
you can't provide needed supplies or materials
you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
Does your answer make sense to you?
Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment?
How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...

What to Do When Teens Refuse to Do Homework or Fail a Class

Some teens are naturally motivated and others are not. Some teens are able to succeed at school with ease, and others struggle. But, what is a parent to do when their teen simply refuses to do homework or is suddenly failing a class? Experts recommend parents work to discover the root cause and creatively problem solve with their teen.

Most of the time, parents feel a little shocked when they are confronted with a school problem. Maybe your teen has outright refused to do any work, or maybe you received a notice from the teacher, or maybe you got a disappointing surprise on their interim report. Whatever has brought the problem to your attention, it’s important to take a deep breath and work to understand the issue. The first step is to ask your teen what is going on. Notice the word ask. That means you don’t start the conversation with accusations, yelling, blame, or threats. Instead, enter into the conversation with a sense of curiosity to see if you can help uncover the possible reasons why he or she isn’t getting their homework done or passing the class.

Determine the Root Cause

If your teen refuses to do homework or is failing a class, don’t jump to the conclusion that he is simply acting out of defiance. More than likely, there is some underlying problem(s) contributing to the issue. For example, stress, bullying issues at school, classes that are too advanced, test-taking anxiety, too many absences, learning disabilities, and depression are all possible problems that can contribute to behavior changes. Remember that when high school students fall behind in their classes for any reason (absence, material too difficult, bad test-taking day), catching up can be quite difficult. When grades begin to plummet, many teens give up. Talk to them about their struggles. Ask them: “How is your current situation different from how you would like it to be?”

Separately, parents should talk to the teen’s teacher to obtain their thoughts and perspectives. Again, parents should enter such a conversation with an open mind and a willingness to listen to the teacher’s opinion.

Develop Solutions with Your Teen

Once parents feel like they understand the problem, they should sit down with their teenager and brainstorm a list of possible solutions to the given situation. They can ask their son or daughter what they have already tried before (whether it’s in this situation or in similar situations in the past), and what outcomes they experienced. Ask them to predict likely consequences, both positive and negative, for each possibility. Teens should be encouraged to not limit themselves, but to come up with as many options as possible, even if they seem unrealistic, because this creative process may help generate even better solutions. Once you have made a list of options together, help your teen narrow them down. For each option, consider how realistic it is, how likely the teen would be to implement it, and the potential obstacles.

Sometimes, homework or grade battles simply need a creative solution. For example, some teens are willing to stay after school to complete their homework, so long as they don’t have to do work at home. Other teens need some control over when they are going to do their work, so they may need to unwind for an hour after school and then do their work. Teens who are failing due to a learning disability or missed schoolwork, might be willing to work with a tutor. Parents should offer their own ideas, but MUST be willing to try their teen’s suggestions and ideas. The process of identifying the problem and developing the solution will empower your child, give them a sense of ownership in fixing the problem, and will ultimately give them confidence when they overcome the issue.

Additionally, parents should help their teen establish healthy study habits that will allow him/her to be successful. Some good study habits include: creating a designated homework time and space, removing distractions including electronics, being available to help your teen when they have a problem or get frustrated, teaching them time management skills, and helping them to get organized. You can learn more from our previous blog, Good Study Habits in Teens .

Establish Expectations and Rules

In general, parents should establish rules and expectations about homework based on their individual child. For example, if you have a teen who is fairly responsible with his homework most of the time, it may be appropriate to allow him/her to face the natural consequences of a bad grade or detention when he/she doesn’t do their work.

However, if you have a child who is refusing to do homework or is failing, and you’ve done the previous steps to try to find the problem and have discovered there is no underlying problem, then rules are warranted. Establish appropriate expectations, and more importantly, develop rewards for following them and consequences for not. Then you must follow through on your plan. For example, create small measurable goals. If your teen puts in a lot of effort for 30 minutes, then he gets a 10-minute break. Or consequently, confiscate his electronics each day until he completes his homework. Phones, tablets and other electronics are a privilege, and he cannot earn them if he chooses to not do his work.

Final Thoughts…

Experts say that the best thing parents can do when faced with school problem is stay calm and open-minded. Nagging and lecturing – although tempting parenting techniques – are never effective and usually harm your relationship. Bribing your teen to get work done can sometimes work in the short run, but quickly loses its appeal to your child and can actually instill a “what’s in it for me” attitude. Additionally, threatening a consequence that you will never follow-through on will only reinforce the negative behavior. Instead, follow the tips above to discover the problem and creatively solve it with your teen. Not only will it truly address the problem, it will also teach your teen how to address future challenges.

The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Teen girl with hands on head frustrated by homework

Parents often feel it’s their job to get their kids to do well in school. Naturally, you might get anxious about this responsibility as a parent. You might also get nervous about your kids succeeding in life—and homework often becomes the focus of that concern.

But when parents feel it’s their responsibility to get their kids to achieve, they now need something from their children—they need them to do their homework and be a success. I believe this need puts you in a powerless position as a parent because your child doesn’t have to give you what you want.

The battle about homework becomes a battle over control. Your child starts fighting to have more control over the choices in their life, while you feel that your job as a parent is to be in control of things. So you both fight harder, and it turns into a war in your home.

Over the years, I’ve talked to many parents who are in the trenches with their kids, and I’ve seen firsthand that there are many creative ways kids rebel when it comes to schoolwork. Your child might forget to do their homework, do their homework but not hand it in, do it sloppily or carelessly, or not study properly for their test. These are just a few ways that kids try to hold onto the little control they have.

When this starts happening, parents feel more and more out of control, so they punish, nag, threaten, and argue. Some parents stop trying altogether to get their children to do homework. Or, and this is common, parents will over-function for their kids by doing the work for them.

Now the battle is in full swing: reactivity is heightened as anxiety is elevated—and homework gets lost in the shuffle. The hard truth for parents is that you cannot make your children do anything, let alone homework. But what you can do is to set limits, respect their individual choices, and help motivate them to motivate themselves.

You might be thinking to yourself, “You don’t know my child. I can’t motivate him to do anything.” Many parents tell me that their children are not motivated to do their work. I believe that children are motivated—they just may not be motivated the way you’d like them to be. Keep reading for some concrete tips to help you guide them in their work without having to nag, threaten, or fight with them.

Offer for FREE Empowering Parents Personal Parenting Plan

Also, keep in mind that if you carry more of the worry, fear, disappointments, and concern than your child does about their work, ask yourself, “What’s wrong with this picture, and how did this happen?” Remember, as long as you carry their concerns, they don’t have to.

Stop the Nightly Fights

The way you can stop fighting with your kids over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your child do their job. Don’t do it for them.

If you feel frustrated, take a break from helping your child with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your child do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

Create Structure Around Homework Time

Set limits around homework time. Here are a few possibilities that I’ve found to be effective with families:

Homework is done at the same time each night.
Homework is done in a public area of your house.
If grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your child can focus and have more time to concentrate on their work.
Make it the rule that weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed. Homework comes first. As James Lehman says, “The weekend doesn’t begin until homework is done.”

Let Your Child Make Their Own Choices

I recommend that your child be free to make their own choices within the parameters you set around schoolwork. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise, you won’t be helping them with their responsibilities.

If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle. And believe me, you don’t want a power struggle over homework. I’ve seen many kids purposely do poorly just to show their parents who’s in charge. I’ve also seen children who complied to ease their parents’ anxiety, but these same kids never learned to think and make choices for themselves.

Let Your Child Own the Consequences of Their Choices

I’m a big believer in natural consequences when it comes to schoolwork. Within the structure you set up, your child has some choices. They can choose to do their homework or not. And they can choose to do it well and with effort or not. The natural consequences will come from their choices—if they don’t choose to do their work, their grades will drop.

When that happens, you can ask them some honest questions:

“Are you satisfied with how things are going?”

“What do you want to do about your grade situation?”

“How can I be helpful to you?”

Be careful not to be snarky or judgmental. Just ask the question honestly. Show honest concern and try not to show disappointment.

Intervene Without Taking Control

The expectation is that homework is done to the best of your child’s ability. When they stop making an effort, and you see their grades drop, that’s when you invite yourself in. You can say:

“It’s my job to help you do your job better. I’m going to help you set up a plan to help yourself, and I will check in to make sure you’re following it.”

Set up a plan with your child’s input to get them back on their feet. For example, the new rules might be that homework must be done in a public place in your home until they get their grades back up. You and your child might meet with the teacher to discuss disciplinary actions should their grades continue to drop.

In other words, you will help your child get back on track by putting a concrete plan in place. And when you see this change, you can step back out of it. But before that, your child is going to sit in a public space and you’re going to monitor their work.

You’re also checking in more. Depending on your child’s age, you’re making sure that things are checked off before they go out. You’re adding a half-hour of review time for their subjects every day. And then, each day after school, they’re checking with their teacher or going for some extra help.

Remember, this plan is not a punishment—it’s a practical way of helping your child to do their best.

“I Don’t Care about Bad Grades!”

Many parents will say that their kids just don’t care about their grades. My guess is that somewhere inside, they do care. “I don’t care” also becomes part of a power struggle.

In other words, your child is saying, “I’m not going to care because you can’t make me. You don’t own my life.” And they’re right. The truth is, you can’t make them care. Instead, focus on what helps their behavior improve. And focus more on their actions and less on their attitude because it’s the actions that matter the most.

Motivation Comes From Ownership

It’s important to understand that caring and motivation come from ownership. You can help your child be motivated by allowing them to own their life more.

So let them own their disappointment over their grades. Don’t feel it more than they do. Let them choose what they will do or not do about their homework and face the consequences of those choices. Now they will begin to feel ownership, which may lead to caring.

Let them figure out what motivates them, not have them motivated by fear of you. Help guide them, but don’t prevent them from feeling the real-life consequences of bad choices. Think of it this way: it’s better for your child to learn from those consequences at age ten by failing their grade and having to go to summer school than for them to learn at age 25 by losing their job.

When Your Child Has a Learning Disability

I want to note that it’s very important that you check to see that there are no other learning issues around your child’s refusal to do homework. If they’re having difficulty doing the work or are performing below grade-level expectations, they should be tested to rule out any learning disabilities or other concerns.

If there is a learning disability, your child may need more help. For example, some kids need a little more guidance; you may need to sit near your child and help a little more. You can still put structures into place depending on who your child is.

Advertisement for Empowering Parents Total Transformation Online Package

But be careful. Many times, kids with learning disabilities get way too much help and develop what psychologists call learned helplessness . Be sure you’re not over-functioning for your learning disabled child by doing their work for them or filling in answers when they’re capable of thinking through them themselves.

The Difference Between Guidance and Over-Functioning

Your child needs guidance from you, but understand that guidance does not mean doing their spelling homework for them. Rather, it’s helping them review their words. When you cross the line into over-functioning, you take on your child’s work and put their responsibilities on your shoulders. So you want to guide them by helping them edit their book report themselves or helping them take the time to review before a test. Those can be good ways of guiding your child, but anything more than that is taking too much ownership of their work.

If your child asks for help, you can coach them. Suggest that they speak with their teacher on how to be a good student and teach them those communication skills. In other words, show them how to help themselves. So you should not back off altogether—it’s that middle ground that you’re looking for. That’s why I think it’s essential to set up a structure. And within that structure, you expect your child to do what they have to do to be a good student.

Focus on Your Own Goals

When you start over-focusing on your child’s work, pause and think about your own goals and what do you need to get done to achieve those goals. Model your own persistence and perseverance to your child.

Believe In Your Child

I also tell parents to start believing in their children. Don’t keep looking at your child as a fragile creature who can’t do the work. I think we often come to the table with fear and doubt—we think if we don’t help our kids, they’re just not going to do it.

But as much as you say, “I’m just trying to help you,” what your child hears is, “You’re a failure; I don’t believe you can do it on your own.”

Instead, your message should be, “I know you can do it. And I believe in you enough to let you make your own choices and deal with the consequences.”

Related content: What Can I Do When My Child Refuses to Go to School? “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

For more information on the concept of learned helplessness in psychology and behavior, we recommend the following articles:

Psychology Today: Learned Helplessness

VeryWell Mind: What Is Learned Helplessness and Why Does it Happen?

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

You must log in to leave a comment. Don't have an account? Create one for free!

Frank My daughter Nina just turned 8 (Feb 11). She does not like to do homework one bit. Her teacher gives her homework every day except Friday. She loves Fridays because she doesn't like homework. She always hides her homework under her bed, refuses to do her homework, and in the More morning she tells her teacher "I lost it last night and can't find it!". She feels homework is a waste of time, yes, we all feel that way, but poor Nina needs to learn that homework is important to help you stay smart. She needs to start doing homework. How can I make her 2nd-grade brain know that homework is actually good? Is there a way to make her love, love, LOVE homework? Let me know.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. In addition to the tips in More the article above, it may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing these particular issues with your cousins, such as their doctor or their teachers. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I hear you. Homework can be a challenging, frustrating time in many families even under the best of circumstances, so you are not alone. When kids struggle with a subject, it can be even more difficult to get assignments completed. Although you didn’t indicate that your daughter More has ADHD, you might find some helpful tips in Why School is Hard for Kids with ADHD—and How You Can Help . Author Anna Stewart outlines techniques that can be useful to help make homework more interesting for kids with a variety of learning challenges in this article. You might also consider checking in with your daughter’s teacher, as s/he might have some additional ideas for engaging your daughter in her homework. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

So, after reading this I get to say…GREAT…You really do not know my child. We have done 100% of everything listed in this article. In the end, my son has utterly declared “I DON’T CARE, AND I DON’T NEED SCHOOL”. We have attempted a “reward” system as well, and that doesn’t work. He cares about 3 or 4 things. Nintendo DS, Lego, K’Nex, TV…all of those he has lost over the past year. Now he reads, ALL the time. Fine, but that doesn’t get his homework done. It also doesn’t get anything else he needs to do done. We’ve done “task boards”, we’ve done “Reward Systems”, we’ve done the “What is on your list to complete”. EVERYTHING is met with either a full fledged meltdown (think 2 year old…on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying). His IMMEDIATE response to ANYTHING that may interrupt him is “NO” or worse. If something doesn’t go his way directly he throws a fit INSTANTLY, even if the response is “Give me a second” it’s NOW OR I’M DESTROYING SOMETHING. He’s been suspended multiple times for his anger issues, and he’s only 10. Unfortuantely we have no family history as he was adopted from Russia. His “formal” diagnosis are ADHD and Anxiety. I’m thinking there is something much more going on. BTW: He did have an IQ test and that put him at 145 for Spacial and Geometric items, with a 136 for written and language. His composite was 139, which puts him in the genius category, but he’s failing across the board…because he refuses to do the work.

Interesting article and comments. Our son (6th grade) was early diagnosed as ADHD and for the first 3 years of elementary school several of his teachers suggested he might require special education. But then the school counseling staff did a workup and determined that his IQ is 161 and from that point forward his classroom antics were largely tolerated as “eccentric”. He has now moved to middle school (6th grade) and while his classroom participation seems to be satisfactory to all teachers, he has refused to do approximately 65% of his homework so far this school year. We have tried talking with him, reasoning with him, removing screen time, offering cash payments (which he lectures us as being unethical “bribes”), offering trips, offering hobbies and sporting events, and just about anything we can think of. Our other children have all been through the “talented and gifted” programs, but he simply refuses to participate in day-to-day school work. His fall report card was pretty much solid “F” or “O” grades. He may be bored out of his mind, or he may have some other issues. Unfortunately, home schooling is not an option, and neither is one of the $40,000 per year local private schools which may or may not be in a better position to deal with his approach to school. Do “learning centers” work for kids like this? Paying somebody else to force him to do his homework seems like a coward’s solution but I am nearly at the end of my rope! Thanks..

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport 12yokosuka Many parents struggle with staying calm when their child is acting out and screaming, so you are not alone. It tends to be effective to set up a structured time for kids to do their homework and study, and they can earn a privilege if they comply and meet More their responsibilities. What this might look like for your daughter is that if she studies, she can earn her phone that day. If she refuses, and chooses to argue or scream at you instead, then she doesn’t earn her phone that day and has another chance the next day. You can read more about this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. If you are also looking for resources to help you stay calm, I encourage you to check out our articles, blogs, and other resources on https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/calm-parenting/. Please let us know if you have any additional questions. Take care.

Scott carcione

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you are experiencing with your

son.I also hear the different

approaches you and your ex are taking toward parenting your son.While it would be ideal if you were able to

find common ground, and present a consistent, united response to your son’s

choices, in the end, you can only https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/.At

this point, it might be useful to meet with the school to discuss how you can

work together to hold your son accountable for his actions, such as receiving a

poor grade if he refuses to do his work.Janet Lehman discusses this more in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-your-child-has-problems-at-school-6-tips-for-parents/.Take care.

It can be so challenging when your child is acting out at school, yet does

not act that way at home.One strategy I

recommend is talking with your son at home about his behavior at school.During this conversation, I encourage you to

address his choices, and come up with a specific plan for what he can do differently

to follow the rules.I also recommend

working with his teachers, and discussing how you can assist them in helping

your son to follow the rules.You might

find additional useful tips in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/acting-out-in-school-when-your-child-is-the-class-troublemaker/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your son.Take care.

I hear you.It can be so challenging

when your young child is having outbursts like this.A lot of young children tend to act out and

have tantrums when they are experiencing a big transition, such as starting a

new school or adjusting to having a younger sibling, so you are not alone.Something that can be helpful is to set up

clear structure and expectations around homework, as Janet Lehman points out in

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-refuses-to-do-homework-heres-how-to-stop-the-struggle/.I also encourage you to set aside some time

for you to have https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/attention-seeking-behavior-in-young-children-dos-and-donts-for-parents/ with your daughter as well.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

JoJoSuma I am having the exact same problem with my 9 year old son. His grades are quickly falling and I have no idea why or where to begin with helping him turn things around. When he applies himself he receives score of 80% or higher, and when he doesn't it clearly shows and he receives failing scores. He, too, says that he doesn't do or want to do the work because it is boring, or that he "Forgot" or "lost it". He has started to become a disruption to the class and at this rate I am afraid that he will have to repeat 5th grade. I am also a single parent so my frustration is at an all time high. You are not alone and I wish you and your family the best.

Thank you so much for these tips RebeccaW_ParentalSupport because I SERIOUSLY had nowhere to turn and no clue where to begin. I have cried many nights feeling like I was losing control. I will try your tips and see where things go from here.

It’s not uncommon

for kids to avoid doing homework, chores or other similar tasks. After

all, homework can be boring or difficult, and most people (both kids and adults

alike) tend to prefer activities which are enjoyable or fun. This does

not mean that you cannot address this with your daughter, though.

Something which can be helpful for many families is to set up a structured

homework time, and to require that your daughter complete her homework in order

to earn a privilege later on that evening. You can read about this, and

other tips, in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/.

Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and

your daughter. Take care.

Thestruggleisreal I'm just now signing up for these articles, I'm struggling with my 12 year and school work, she just doesn't want to do it, she has no care I'm world to do, she is driving me crazy over not doing, I hate to see her More fail, but I don't know what to do

FamilyMan888

I can hear how much your

daughter’s education means to you, and the additional difficulties you are

facing as a result of her learning disabilities. You make a great point

that you cannot force her to do her work, or get additional help, and I also

understand your concern that getting her teachers to “make” her do these things

at school might create more conflict there as well. As James Lehman

points out in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-the-blame-game-how-to-teach-your-child-to-stop-making-excuses-and-start-taking-responsibility/, lowering your expectations for your daughter due to her

diagnosis is probably not going to be effective either. Instead, what you

might try is involving her in the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/, and asking her what she thinks she needs, and what she will do

differently, to meet classroom expectations. Please be sure to write back

and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

tvllpit Very effective to kids age of 5, 7, and 11 years old. Thank you for sharing your idea.

Thank you for

your question. You are correct that we recommend setting up a structured

time for kids to do homework, yet not getting into a power struggle with them

if they refuse to do their work during that time. It could be useful to

talk with your 11 year old about what makes it difficult to follow through with

doing homework at that time, and perhaps experimenting with doing homework at

another time to see if that works more effectively. In the end, though,

if your child is simply refusing to do the work, then we recommend giving a

consequence and avoiding a power struggle. Megan Devine details this

process more in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/.

Please let us know if you have any additional questions. Take care.

jovi916 I'm a mother to a 10 year old 5th grader. Since 3rd grade I've been struggling with homework. That first year, I thought it was just lack of consistency since my children go between mine and dad's house. I tried setting some sort of system up with More the teacher to get back on track, but the teacher said it was the child's responsibility to get the hw done. This year has been esp. Difficult. He stopped doing hw, got an F, so I got on him. He stared turning half done work, but same grades so I still got on him. Grades went up, I loosened up, then he stopped with in school work. Now it's back to not turning anything in, even big projects and presentations. He had never really been allowed to watch tv, but now it's a definite no, I took his Legos away, took him out of sports. Nothing is working. He's basically sitting at the table every night, and all weekend long in order to get caught up with missing assignments. I'm worried, and next year he'll be in middle school. I try setting an example by studying in front of him. My daughter just does her homework and gets good grades. Idk what to do.

I can hear your concern. Academic achievement is important

to most parents and when your children seem to be struggling to complete their

work and get good grades, it can be distressing. Ultimately, your childrens’

school work and grades are their responsibility. You shouldn’t have to quit

your own studies in order to help them improve theirs. The above article gives

some great tips for helping motivate your children to complete their homework.

We do have a couple other articles you may also find useful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/10-ways-to-motivate-your-child-to-do-better-in-school/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sinking-fast-at-school-how-to-help-your-child-stay-afloat/. We appreciate you

writing in and hope you find the information useful. Take care.

RNM I have the exact same issues with my 8 year old. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. He's a smart kid, he just doesn't seem to care to do his homework let alone if he gets a bad grade as a result. He hates reading, but does More very well in spelling and science. Homework is an issue nightly and the teacher pulled me aside today to tell me again how much he talks in class and that now he isn't writing down his assignments and is missing 3 assignments this week. SMH, I don't know what to do anymore other than to coach him (some more) and take away basketball if he doesn't do his homework.

What? "Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school.." I do not see the logic or benefit of this advice. Homework, by definition, is the responsibility of the student and parent (NOT the teacher). The teacher does not live at the student's home or run the house.

In my opinion, the lack of parental involvement with academics often causes the low student performance evident across the U.S. I do not agree with advocating for even LESS parental involvement.

I completely agree with you. Parental, or adult, engagement at home can be a deal-maker/breaker when it comes to student performance. I subscribe to theories that differ from the author's.

First, if an adult is involved with the child and his activities, then the child will commonly react with "hey, somebody cares about me" leading to an increased sense of self-worth. A sense of caring about one's-self leads to caring about grades and other socially acceptable behaviors (Maslow).

Secondly, I am a FIRM believer in the techniques of behavior modification through positive reinforcement (Karen Pryor). It's up to an invested adult to determine what motivates the student and use those motivators to shape and reinforce desirable behavior such as daily homework completion. A classroom teacher has too many students and too little time to apply this theory.

Letting a child sink or swim by himself is a bad idea. Children have only one childhood; there are no do-overs.

And yes, children are work.

Many experience similar feelings of being at fault when

their child fails, so, you’re not alone. Truth of the matter is, allowing your

child to experience natural consequences of their actions by allowing them to

fail gives them the opportunity to look at themselves and change their

behavior. We have a couple articles I think you may find helpful: When You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences & 5 Natural Consequences You Should Let Your Child Face . Good luck to you and

your family moving forward. Take care.

hao hao It is so true, we can't control our children's home. It is their responsibility. But they don't care it. What can we do it?

indusreepradeep

How great it is that you want to help your brother be more

productive with his homework. He’s lucky to have a sibling who cares about him

and wants him to be successful. Because we are a website aimed at helping

parents develop better ways of managing acting out behavior, we are limited in

the advice we can offer you as his sibling. There is a website that may be able

to offer you some suggestions. http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/

is a website aimed at helping teens and young adults figure out ways of dealing

with challenges they may be facing in their lives. They offer several ways of

getting support, such as by e-mail or text, through an online forum and chat,

and also a call in helpline. You can check out what they have to offer at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/. Good luck

to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

Kathleenann indusreepradeep

Thank you so much for your humble support....

It sounds like you have done a lot

of work to try to help your daughter achieve her educational goals, and it’s

normal to feel frustrated when she does not seem to be putting in the same

amount of effort. It can be useful to keep your focus on whether your

daughter is doing her work, and to keep that separate from whether she “cares”

about doing her work. Ultimately, it is up to your daughter to do her

work, regardless of how she appears to feel about it. To that end, we

recommend working with the various local supports you have in place, such as

her therapists and others on her IEP team, to talk about what could be useful

to motivate your daughter to do her school work. Because individuals with

autism can vary greatly with their abilities, it’s going to be more effective

to work closely with the professionals who are familiar with your daughter’s

strengths and level of functioning in order to develop a plan to address this

issue. Thank you so much for writing in; we wish you and your daughter

all the best as you continue to address her difficulties with school.

is there a blog for parents that went to Therapeutic boarding schooling for their adolescent?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

1. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
2. "My Child Refuses to Do Homework" — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork
3. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
4. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
5. When Your Child Has Problems at School: 6 Tips for Parents
140,000+ Subscribers Subscribe
50,000+ Fans Follow
10,000+ Followers Follow
6,000+ Followers Follow

Disrespect... defiance... backtalk... lack of motivation...

Frustrated and exhausted by your child's behavior?

Get your FREE Personal Parenting Plan today.

Does your child exhibit angry outbursts , such as tantrums, lashing out, punching walls, and throwing things?

Would you like to learn about how to use consequences more effectively?

Backtalk... complaints... arguments... attitude... just plain ignoring you

Do you struggle with disrespect or verbal abuse from your child?

Has your child been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)?

Or does your child exhibit a consistent and severe pattern of anger, irritability, arguing, defiance, and vindictiveness toward you or other authority figures?

Intimidation... aggression... physical abuse and violence ...

Are you concerned that your child may physically hurt you or others?

You must select at least one category to create your Personal Parenting Plan:

We're just about finished! Create a secure account with Empowering Parents to access your Personal Parenting Plan.

A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else

by Tanith Carey . (This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here .)

Instead, Lily had just scribbled all over her homework worksheet, thrown her pencil on the floor and was now yelling at the top of her voice: “ I hate Math! I suck at it!”

With my younger daughter to put to bed, Lily in a melt down and me exhausted after a day at work, the tension was rapidly rising.

But even if I could calm ourselves down , there was no end in sight. Even if I could persuade her to finish her math homework, Lily still had the whole book reading to do.

So I was facing two choices –

Should I stand over her and insist that not doing homework was NOT an option?

Or should I tell her to put the books away, write a note to her teacher and just let her unwind and play in the lead up to bedtime?

Have you been there? What choice would you make?

The choice I would make now is very different to what my choice would have been a few years back.

Back then, I’d try to push through with a mixture of cajoling and prompting and assurances that she did know how to do her Math really .

If that didn’t work then maybe in despair and frustration that she didn’t seem to want to try, I would have gotten angry and tried to explain how serious I was about this.

A Game of One-Upmanship

Child Not Doing Homework? Pushy Parenting May Not Be The Right Choice

After all, what choice did I have? From the very early days in the private nursery she attended, I found myself surrounded by lots of other mothers locked into the same race to make their children the brightest and the best.

As Lily got older, I came to learn how insidiously contagious pushy parenting is.

If one of the mothers spotted another parent with a Kumon Math folder, we all rushed to sign up too – for fear our children would get left behind.

Neurosis underpinned every conversation at the school gates – particularly as all of us were aiming to get our children into a small handful of selective private schools in the area.

Bit by bit, the parenting journey which had started off being so exciting and rewarding, was turning into a stressful game of one-upmanship .

But children are not products to be developed and put on show to reflect well on us.

Depending on what happens on the night, every child is conceived with a unique combination of genes which also maps out their strengths, weaknesses and personality traits before they are even born.

Lily may have been bred into a competitive hotbed. But as an innately modest and sensitive child, she decided she did not want to play.

The alarm bells started ringing in Grade Three when, after I personally made sure she turned in the best Space project, she won the prize. While I applauded uproariously from the sidelines, Lily, then seven, fled the room in tears and refused to accept the book token from the Head.

When she calmed down, she explained she hated us making a fuss. But what is just as likely is that she disliked the fact that her successes had become as much ours as hers. Even at that young age, no doubt she also realized that the more she succeeded, the more pressure she would be under to keep it up.

Over the next few years, the issues only deepened.

The Problem of Not Doing Homework

Child Not Doing Homework? Don't Let it Turn into a Daily Battle

The increasing amounts of homework sent home by the school gradually turned our house into a war zone – with me as the drill sergeant.

Homework is one of the most common flash points between kids and parents – the crossroads at which academic endeavors meet parental expectations at close quarters – and behind closed doors.

Surveys have found that homework is the single biggest source of friction between children and parents. One survey found that forty percent of kids say they have cried during rows over it. Even that figure seems like a dramatic underestimate.

Yet more and more, it is recognized that homework undermines family time and eats into hours that should be spent on play or leisure.

A straightforward piece of work that would take a child twenty minutes at school can easily take four times as long at home with all the distractions and delaying tactics that go with it.

As a result, children get less sleep , go to bed later and feel more stressed .

Homework has even started to take over summer vacations.

Once, the long break was seen as a chance for children to have adventures, discover themselves and explore nature. Now the summer months are viewed as an extension of the academic year – a chance for kids to catch up or get ahead with workbooks and tutoring.

But ultimately homework abides by the law of diminishing returns.

Researchers at Duke University found that after a maximum of two hours of homework, any learning benefits rapidly start to drop off for high school students.

While some children will do everything to avoid doing it, at the extreme others will become perfectionists who have to be persuaded to go to bed. Some moms I spoke to had to bribe their children to do less!

Given the cloud of anxiety hovering over them, no wonder some of these children perceive education as stressful .

Pushed to the Brink

While all of us would say we love our children no matter what, unfortunately that’s not the message our kids hear. Instead, children become angry when they feel we are turning them into passive projects. Rather than feel like they are disappointing us, they disconnect. Early signs may be they become uncommunicative after school, stop looking parents in the eye, become secretive or avoidant.

But we need to remember that unhappy, stressed kids don’t learn.

Over the next few years, Lily’s insistence on not doing homework kept getting worse. To try and get to the bottom of it, my husband Anthony and I took her to see educational psychologist who found strong cognitive scores and no signs of learning difficulties.

But what the report did identify was how profoundly Lily’s self-worth had been affected . Even though I had never once told her she should be top of the class, she still felt she had to be good at everything. If she couldn’t be, she didn’t think there was any point trying at all.

It was clear despite our best efforts to support her, Lily constantly felt criticized . She was becoming defensive and resentful.

Most serious of all, by claiming she couldn’t do her homework – when she could – she was testing if my love for her was conditional on her success.

I had to face up to the painful truth that unless I took immediate action – and killed off my inner Tiger Mom – my child and I were growing apart.

So for the sake of my daughter, I realized I had to change direction and take my foot off the gas .

When her tutor rang to tell me Lily needed a break, I was delighted to agree. Since then, I have let her focus on the subjects that really matter to her – art and music – and have let her decide what direction to take them in.

I also made a deliberate effort to spend time with Lily – just the two of us – so we can simply “be” together. Now instead of trips to the museums and classical concerts, we go for walks in the park and hot chocolates.

The Difficult Journey Back

To help her recognize and dismiss the voice that was bringing her down, I took her to see a Neuro-Linguistic Programming coach who teaches children strategies to untangle the persistent negative thoughts that undermine their self-belief – and replace them with positive ones.

Before we began, Jenny explained that Lily’s issues are not uncommon. As a teacher with 30 years’ experience, Jenny believes the growing pressure on children to perform from an early age is contributing to a general rise in learning anxiety. The youngest child she has helped was six .

It’s children like Lily, who don’t relish a contest, who are among the biggest casualties.

At home, some have been made to feel they are not good enough by parents or are intimidated by more academic sisters and brothers. Some may develop an inferiority complex simply because they are born into high-achieving families.

Once established, failure can also become self-reinforcing. Even when they get good marks, children like Lily still dwell on the pupil who got the higher one to support their negative views of their abilities, making it a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

It’s when children start to see this self-criticism as fact that the negative self-talk can start.

As she sat on the sofa, Jenny asked Lily if she had ever heard a nagging voice in her head that put her down. Lily looked surprised but answered that yes, she had. Asked who it was, my daughter replied: “It’s me, but the mean me.”

Asked to draw this character, Lily depicted an angry, disapproving female figure with her hands on her hips, with a mouth spouting the words “blah, blah, blah.” When asked to name her, Lily thought for a moment before coming up with the name Miss Trunch-Lily, so-called because the figure is half herself – and half the hectoring teacher from Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

Now that Miss Trunch-Lily had been nailed, Jenny and Lily agreed an easy way to deal with her would be to talk back and tell her “Stop it, you meanie” one hundred times.

But that would take a long time, so Lily and Jenny came up with a quicker solution; imagining a canon which would instantly send a shower of 60 candies into her mouth so she couldn’t say another word.

Next time Lily heard her nagging voice, all she had to do was press an imaginary button and her nemesis would be silenced.

In the months that followed, Lily seemed to relax. Gradually the procrastination about homework started to vanish – and Lily was much more likely to open her books after school and quietly get on with her homework.

A Fresh New Start

Child Not Doing Homework? Don't Try to Catch Up During Vacations

Instead my husband, my daughters and I went on long walks with our dog. We examined different types of seaweed and examined crabs in rock pools.

Back in the cottage, we sat around and read books that interested us. I let the children play upstairs for hours, not on their phones, but in long elaborate role-plays, without feeling the need to interrupt once.

I would wager that Lily and Clio learnt more about themselves – and what they are capable of – in a single week than in a whole semester at their schools where they hardly get a moment to stop and think.

Of course, for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least.

But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?

After all, a bigger picture is also emerging : a rise in anxiety disorders, depression and self-harm among children who have grown up with this continual pressure – and the emergence of a generation who believe they are losers if they fail, they’ve never done enough if they win.

Even among children who succeed in this environment, educationalists are finding pushy parenting creates a drive towards perfectionism which can turn into self-criticism when these young people can’t live up to such high standards.

I’m happy that in the midst of this arms race to push our kids more and more, there are changes afoot. Around the world, parents and educators are drawing up a blue-print for an alternative.

Whether it’s slow parenting , minimalist parenting , free-range parenting – or the more bluntly named Calm the F*** Down parenting , there is recognition that we need to resist the impulse to constantly push and micro-manage.

As a mother to Lily, as well as my younger daughter, Clio, I’ve decided I don’t want to be a part of all those crushing burdens of expectations. I want to provide a relief from it.

Apart from the fact it makes children happier, it’s also so much more fun.

Now I love the fact that when Lily messes around in the kitchen making cupcakes, I no longer have to fight the urge to tell her to hurry up – and badger her to finish her homework.

Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. If a concept is not understood, I don’t pull my hair out trying to be the teacher and trying to play ‘catch-up’. If Lily, now 12, genuinely does not understand it, I write a note to the member of the staff to explain that it may need further explanation. It’s a simple system and is working perfectly fine for us.

I like it that when she comes home from school, and I ask her, ‘How are you?’ I really mean it. It’s no longer code for: ‘What marks did you get today, darling?’ and I’m not thinking ‘Hurry up with your answer, so we can get on with your homework.’

Most of all I love the fact that I can finally appreciate Lily for the person she is now: a 12-year-old girl with an acerbic sense of humor who likes Snoopy, play-dates and kittens – and not for the person I once wanted her to be.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

For our quick contemplation questions today –

Imagine meeting your child in 20 years times. Ask them to describe their childhood. Do they describe it as magical? Or do they look back on it as a race from one after school activity and homework project to the next?
Ask yourself what do you want for your children? When you say you want your children to be happy, what has that come to mean to you? If you really analyze it, has it drifted into being interpreted as professional success and financial acumen? Furthermore, have you come to judge success by a very narrow definition of traditional career achievement and earning power?
Now check again. If you look around you, what do the happiest people you know have in common? Is it material goods, high-flying jobs and academic qualifications? Or is it emotional balance? If you approach the question another way, are the wealthiest people you know also the most satisfied with life?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Spend some time sorting through any conflicts related to your kids not doing homework.

To start with, train your children in good habits and place time limits on how long homework should take from the start.

Ask the school how long a child should spend on each subject at night. Then you can help keep those limits in place by telling kids they can’t spend a minute more – or a minute less – than the allotted time.

Find the time of the day after school that works best for your child – either straight after arriving home or after a short break. Agree a start time every day so that the rule turns into a routine and there is less room for resistance and negotiation.

Don’t finish their homework for kids because you are desperate to get it off the evening’s to-do list. That will just mask the problem and get you dragged into a nightly conflict. Help them instead to take responsibility for their homework, while you provide guidance from the sidelines on an on-need basis.

About Tanith Carey

Award-winning parenting writer Tanith Carey is a mother-of-two who writes books which aim to address the most pressing issues for modern families – and how to build strong, resilient kids in today’s challenging world. Her latest book Taming the Tiger Parent: How to put your child's well-being first in a competitive world has been called a big picture book to ‘re-orientate our parenting’, ‘highly readable’ ‘well-researched’ and ‘ beautifully written’ by teachers, parents and professionals. The book has received global coverage from outlets ranging from the NBC Today Show to the New York Post to yahooparenting, the Guardian and dailymail.online. Her seventh book 'Girls Uninterrupted - A manual for raising courageous daughters' - will be published in February 2015.

December 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

This is interesting to me because it doesn’t match our experience at all. We are struggling with my daughter doing homework, but it’s more of an adolescent rebellion/lethargy thing.

My kids attend a Montessori school which generally does not assign homework. What homework they tend to get in the elementary levels is a packet of assorted reading and math that they have an entire week to do at whatever pace works for them. My son’s homework is optional and he always opts out. (He’s very busy at home drawing and playing piano and he’s already reading at a high school level in second grade, so we never worry about academics with him anyway.) But my oldest is in seventh grade and they are trying to transition the kids into what will happen in high school, and my daughter has balked at all the homework.

But we have never approached our kids’ homework as our responsibility. We are always available to help and answer questions, but I explain that I passed whatever grade they are in already, and this is their turn to learn and show what they know. It’s been much harder clamping down on my oldest and making sure she knows what the homework is and has it ready. I explained to her recently that I remember those rebellious feelings, but the only person she’s hurting is herself. She’s limiting her choices later by not doing homework. Her teachers care, but in the end it doesn’t impact them, either. It’s all on her. I also told her the worst case scenario is she ends up at the local high school by default instead of following her friends to better places, but that the local high school is good too, so it’s not the end of the world.

I actually worry when I read about other parents monitoring elements of their kids’ lives so much more closely than I do that I’m not doing enough, but my kids are smart and happy and kind and I think they will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless.

December 22, 2014 at 11:07 am

Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, Korinthia. I love your calm and collected approach to everything parenting, so I’m not entirely surprised with the way you approach home work 🙂 That said, in the circles I hang out, very few parents (if any) would be as calm about this as you are! I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that most of us are first generation immigrants and are quite fanatic about education…

Even among our friends, we are a bit of an extreme case. Our daughter goes to a private school. She’s had to do daily homework on weekdays (Mon – Thu) since Kinder. We did have some initial resistance, but it’s mostly a well-established habit now. When she comes home, we take a short break, and then she sits down for homework while I get dinner ready.

Most of the days, it happens without any issues. Some days, she tries to change the rules by wanting to play before homework. I understand her want to do that, but having come from a middle class family in a developing country, my perspective on this is very different. We are where we are, quite literally, due to the discipline we had in regards to education. That discipline is a very powerful thing and like many things the earlier you get it instilled the easier it is. I see it as my job to instill that discipline in my daughter. What she wants to do with it when she grows up is up to her. (In my own case, I’ve shelved a Ph.D to be a stay-at-home mom now and pursue what I really want to do. But that’s been possible only because my degree allowed me to get a high-paying job where I was able to save enough that I don’t have to worry about money for a few years. In those years, if I can find a way to earn a modest income from this site without selling my soul, great. If not, I’ll go back to my old job and repeat the cycle. It’s an amazing freedom to have!)

Anyway, so to me, it boils down to this: this is another case of the intricate balance we parents have to strike — we need to nudge our kids to reach their full potential, but without making it stressful and hopefully in a way that they actually enjoy the process. It’s not easy, and like you I wonder sometimes if I’m making the right choice. And here, I’ll defer to your wise words, because I can’t say it any better — my [daughter is] smart and happy and kind and I think will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless. 🙂

December 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

I’m endlessly fascinated with how many ways there are to do things as a family. And it’s always interesting to know what others think of as normal.

I guess for us it comes down to the idea that learning is important, but grades are not. I had a horribly unfair incident in college concerning a grade, and I remember my grandmother smiling and saying, “No one ever asks me what my GPA was.” And it’s true. MIT was threatening to withhold my brother’s Master’s Degree over a deadline on a signature he had nothing to do with, and he just shrugged it off and said, “They can’t take back what I learned.” (They did finally give him his degree, but he really didn’t care.) Grades don’t really mean much. A “B” for one student may be a mark of a lot of effort, and evidence of slacking off for another. I’m more interested in what my kids actually know.

I think that’s why Montessori has been such a good fit for us. They teach to the individual, they don’t give letter grades, and there is no sense of competition, only striving to learn more about the world. We know by comparison to other schools around the city that ours is one of the highest performing, so we feel confident that they are getting a good education, but it’s their education, not mine.

Maybe because I grew up in a family of artists? We were always busy, always making things and learning something new. That’s what I want for my kids. I like that they are never bored, and that they LOVE school. They love it. They pretend not to be sick when they have a cold just so they can go. I guess in my mind that’s what school should be. Someplace to be excited about.

December 22, 2014 at 4:54 pm

It is fascinating, isn’t it? I think the way we grow up, and what we have experienced, colors the lens through which we see the world.

I agree with you that at the end of the day, learning, and the love of learning, are more important than everything else.

I think differently about grades though. Grades to me, are a reflection of how well you can apply that learning. Knowledge by itself isn’t enough. You need to be able to apply it in some way – either to earn a living, or help make the world a better place, or whatever. For kids, getting good grades are a way to practice applying/expressing their knowledge… it’s a very narrow and imperfect way to do it, but it’s what we have, nevertheless.

And, I look at absolute grades… not relative ones. In other words, I don’t care how many other kids did better or worse than her in any given test… I’m interested mainly in what she did or didn’t do well.

Just like us, she will sometimes be successful in applying that knowledge. Sometimes, not as much. The question then is, what can I do to help her better retain what she has learnt and apply it more effectively?

Now, if her grades aren’t good because of something outside her control, she is off the hook. If not, we hold her accountable, and work on it together to try and figure out what she can change/improve to do better next time.

So far, this seems to have worked and I haven’t beat the joy of learning out of her, yet 🙂 But, we’re still at the beginning of her learning journey… we’ll have to see what happens as we go along and things get more demanding and more complex…

PS: This is one of the more interesting discussions I’ve had on this blog in a while — Thank you! 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 4:10 am

Thanks for the very considered and calm discussion of this issue that is happening here. This piece is not about Lily so much as it is about how great it can be when we parents discard our baggage and come to our children afresh. My book Taming the Tiger Parent has been called ‘a book to re-orientate’ parenting – and really it is about one thing: Finding empathy and connection with our children without letting the world (which does not always want the best for our kids) to get in the way. Please share so that we get other parents have the confidence to do the same – and enjoy their parenting more..(and that’s just the adults!)

December 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Sumitha, I’m probably biased about grades because my own history with them has been so unrepresentative, and I think people place too much stock in them. In my kids’ school they work on preparing a portfolio of all kinds of work rather than relying on letter grades, and that works better for us. But as far as using grades simply as a barometer of whether a child is taking care of responsibilities that seems completely reasonable.

That’s one of the discussions I’m continually having with my daughter at the moment, that she needs to provide evidence for her teachers that she’s done the work. She feels the magic of a book, for instance, is marred by her picking it apart for an analysis. She’ll read the book, and she’s a good writer, but she resents the type of work assigned about it and sometimes won’t do it. (I used to do the same thing, so I get it.) I tell her she just has to pick her consequence. She can either suck it up and do the work, challenge the work by coming up with a different assignment that maybe meets the same criteria the teachers are interested in, or not do it. The first two improve her report card, and the third hurts it. The report card is a means to more choices about her future. (As her mom, I’m actually just happy she read and loved the book.)

In the end, I’m not worried. For her, bad grades at a good school are probably worth more than good grades at a bad school, and she will still have more choices than the average child. Wherever she ends up she will make it work, but that’s up to her.

I acknowledge we are in a privileged position, because she’s got enough talent and charm and resources and family that she will not starve, she will not be homeless, regardless of grades. I think the real key to success is figuring out your passion if you can, so you know what you’re working toward. As soon as she figures that out I’m convinced she has the skills and discipline to build a good life for herself. I did. (And my report cards would have given you a panic attack!)

December 23, 2014 at 9:24 pm

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

Good luck convincing your daughter to pick one of the first two consequences. But it is clear that even if she picks the third you’ll take it in your stride — which is what I find so admirable about you 🙂

December 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

Such an interesting discussion, thank you!

One more piece to toss in there if you have time for it: http://www.thestrad.com/cpt-latests/bribery-used-motivation-practice/

I know it’s an article about practicing music, but it’s the same idea about grades as a reward, and how that backfires.

I think for me it’s not that grades are not important, it’s that they should reflect something real. If my kids are learning and working hard, the grades will follow. But their focus should always be on their education, not their grades.

December 25, 2014 at 5:04 pm

That is particularly true in music where racing from one music grade to the next, as kids do here, can destroy enjoyment of music for its own sake – and that is a very sad. It just becomes about teaching to the test. In my view children should have music as another language – and another outlet for emotion, not just as a way to build CVs

December 25, 2014 at 11:04 pm

Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

December 26, 2014 at 8:37 am

@Korinthia, sorry for the late reply — busy with the holidays.

Love that article you pointed to. Some time back, I came across several articles by Alfie Kohn and got very confused about this whole rewards thingie. At that point I was just starting to move away from threats, punishment and screaming, and thought I was doing good by using rewards and positive reinforcement instead, and Kohn’s articles turned that notion on it’s head.

Things eventually started to fall in place when I read the “Power of Habits” by Charles Duhigg.

My very unsubstantiated, unproven, non-scientific conclusion (which I wrote about here ) is based on this observation mentioned in that article — Kohn and his colleagues would admit that rewards, bribes and praise do indeed work in the short term — and Chales Duhigg’s observations that once a habit is formed, you can remove the reward completely from the habit loop and the habit will continue.

So in my opinion, if you use rewards as a way to establish a habit and not as the end result, they still have a place.

In the case of grades for instance, grades are a way to get into a consistent study habit which is — pay attention in class, learn what the teacher is teaching, review at home if necessary, let’s talk about it as much as you want or you can look things up in books/Net, apply in a test. At 1st grade it’s very hard to make learning *all* subjects fun, but a habit like this will apply to all subjects universally. Grades are a great way to get that habit started initially — they are tangible and there is recognition. As we go on, we focus the message on the learning — for instance, like me, grammar was not my daughters favorite subject. By looking at the test results and saying “Hey, you did well in your grammar test. You’re learning a lot for a first grader! What is this you’ve done here? Diagramming? We never did that in India. Will you teach me how to diagram a sentence?” implicitly acknowledges the grade on that test, but the grade isn’t the focus. When she draws on her white board and teaches me how to diagram a sentence, there is pride and joy in her and now she is a lot more interested in grammar.

I am not a music person (I know, sorry :)) but I would think that using a reward to get a child to practice until the child’s first performance isn’t a bad idea. Once the child performs in front of an audience, and enjoys that sense of accomplishment, the practice habit will likely carry through, even if you remove whatever temporary reward you used. If the child has an inclination towards music, they will learn to enjoy the practicing part of it too as they go along — it’s just a matter of getting them to do it for long enough to recognize that.

December 26, 2014 at 8:54 am

@Korinthia, I’m still thinking about it 🙂

The latest discussion reminded me about the marble jar experiment you shared on your blog some time back ( here ). At first your kids may have done the chores to earn those marbles to get the screen time or other things (rewards). But once the system (habit) was established, the marbles (or the things they could buy) is not necessarily a motivator to do the chores… it is “just how things are done” — a simple habit/system that removes the need for verbal negotiation, arguing, reminders, cajoling, power struggles etc from the picture and hence makes what needs to be done tolerable/fun for everyone involved.

December 27, 2014 at 3:48 am

To be honest on music, I think you also know your child is playing the right instrument when they do want to practice. I know that sounds idealistic but they will be much drawn towards that instrument if it’s the one that lights their ‘spark.’ Lily and Clio both do play the violin to a very high level – but as I explain in my book, that doesn’t mean I have had been to be an Amy Chau tiger parent to get to them point. Also music has become a way of life in our house, and they play music together, which helps.

January 2, 2015 at 9:19 am

(Sorry to keep this discussion dragging on forever, but it’s the kind of thing I really enjoy!)

Sumitha, I agree about using some rewards for forming habits. When my kids first started violin we got into a routine of combining practice with dessert. We don’t often have dessert, but to get them in a habit of practicing after dinner they would get marshmallows for each little thing they played. Then just at the end of the practicing. Then not at all and they didn’t notice. They were four and six at the time and that helped because it was easier to catch their attention with marshmallows than with some abstract sense of musical improvement, which on violin is painfully slow.

The hardest part about teaching beginning violin is to keep students essentially distracted from the fact that they don’t sound like anything for a long, long time, while they put in the necessary work that will improve how they sound. I used to use small stickers with my students to mark when songs were done, but it wasn’t much of a reward. My kids’ violin teacher uses toys and candy as incentives week to week, and I can see how it backfires. It takes the focus off the work and onto the treat, and not getting the treat feels like punishment. My son’s piano teacher doesn’t even use stickers–just checks things off so he knows not to keep working on them, and that’s working much better, but there is a lot more instant gratification to piano than there is to violin.

In terms of grades, we just view them differently. They tell such an incomplete story that they don’t interest me much. You know a little something if a kid gets all good grades vs. all bad grades, but beyond that, nothing useful. When I was in 7th grade I had a notoriously sexist shop teacher who would NOT give a girl an A in mechanical drawing. I know my first drawing in that class was better than the boy’s sitting next to me, but he got all A’s. I complained to my mom who told me when she was in college absolutely no woman could get an A in her advertising class, and she was far and away the best artist there. (Also, some agencies flat out did not hire women, which still blows my mind.) I got alternating A’s and failing grades in reading in 6th grade based purely on whether I handed in the assignments. The quality of the writing didn’t matter to the teacher. Would you rather hire a writer who writes well, or one who writes poorly but always meets deadlines? Depends on the need.

When I think about grades I always think about the valedictorian from my brothers’ high school class. One of my brothers spent his senior year at USC. He was second in his class because he got a B in one of those college courses. Number one? A girl who spent all of her high school experience striving for perfect grades. Her brother was the valedictorian of my class, and she felt she had to match that. It was expected. So she took courses purely based on what she could get an A in. She did not risk taking physics, or calculus. She avoided English and History classes taught by the more challenging teachers. She wasted her chance at an interesting education so she could say she was valedictorian. For myself as a parent, that would not make me proud at all. If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal. It’s all relative, and again, every family is different.

Tanith, I agree that kids have to play an instrument that speaks to them. I wish more parents knew that. I had a sample lesson once with a really hostile boy who had a ton of talent and ability, and his mom was making him play. I asked him what he would rather do, and he wanted to play guitar. I told his mom I thought he should switch (or even just add it) because violin brought him no joy. At it’s core, music should be about joy. His mom had a sense of “violin is better” and it was a status thing for her. She was shocked I suggest he be allowed to play guitar and said, “You think guitar is okay?” I told her there was nothing wrong with guitar, and if he liked what he was playing he would do better and enjoy it more. Glad your children like playing violin! One of my projects for the new year is to start building a full size one for my oldest and have her help. (Not many kids get to play a violin they literally had a hand in making, so that should be fun!)

January 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

I love this discussion, too Korinthia! Thank you so much for it. Both writing about it, and reading your’s and Tanith’s points of view has been great for me for sorting through what I want/stand for, in terms of grades, homework etc. for my daughter. With our choice to send her to a private school, these are a part of our everyday life and being more clear about it sure helps!

Your words “If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal.” — this describes my life quite literally. While I can see your perspective on grades and it makes a ton of sense, it is hard for me to actually be that cool about it, simply because I am where I am because of the grades, degrees etc (I had written a guest post a while ago that may provide some background here – on money and happiness ). Even though grades/degrees haven’t brought anything of real substance to my life, they nevertheless are the tickets that opened a lot of doors for us and so I simply can’t bring myself to totally break free from them — but I am happy that through these discussions, I am broadening my perspective a bit and hopefully my daughter will benefit from it!

About music, most Asian kids end up in piano classes by default, but my daughter didn’t quite show any interest in a play keyboard she had as a kid which I took as an indication that it’s not her “thing”. I’ve talked to her a couple of times about guitar classes — while she shows interest in it for the novelty of it, she didn’t pounce on it like when I mentioned art class. A lot of my friends argue that kids can doodle and paint at home and there’s no need to spend on classes, and that money is better spent on music so we can introduce something ‘new’ to our kids. I see that point, but I am a believer of the 10,000 hour rule and if she loves art, and doodling, I’d rather pay for her to just take classes in that and hone that craft. Again, no idea if that is a good choice or if it will come back to bite me in the future… we’ll see 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 6:54 am

I really like what you have to say. It converges well with what I have said in my book, The Homework Trap: How to Save the Sanity of Parents, Students and Teachers.

December 23, 2014 at 8:41 am

Thanks for sharing that, Dr. Goldberg. Sounds like an interesting book. I will try to grab a copy of it.

December 24, 2014 at 3:51 am

Thanks Dr Goldberg. I will be definitely checking out your book and sharing it. I think it’s so important that writers in this area band together so others can see there there’s a strong movement forming, questioning where the current educational ethos is leading us.

November 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm

January 2, 2018 at 10:44 am

I have never seen a man as kind, wonderful, caring and helpful like Lord Kakabu…I am a living testimony of his wonderful work and i have made a vow to my self that i will testify about him as long as i live…My wife told me that she needs a divorce despite all the caring and attending i gave her, i tried to begged her but she refused and went ahead with the divorce and ever since then i did not see her again so as i was browsing throw the internet i came across testimonies of people that Lord Kakabu has help so i contacted him and he told me that a man cast a spell on my wife that was why she left me but i should not worry because he will help me destroy the spell cast on her and my wife will come begging within 12 to 16 hours…I did not believe him but to my greatest joy at exactly 13 hours my wife came to me fell on her knees and started crying that she did not know what happen to her and that i should forgive and accept her back which i gladly did and even since then we have been living happily…Do you need any help???then contact Lord Kakabu via email: [email protected]

October 17, 2018 at 1:18 pm

So what was the title of this BOOK I didn’t read !?!? Guess I overlooked it !!! Just look for a few good pointers not a book to read !!!

May 15, 2020 at 9:36 pm

Thank you SO much for these words….

December 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

Ooh Tanith, excellent article, thank you for sharing this with Sumitha and the rest of us. It was more than I expected. At first I thought, “Well, my kid doesn’t really have issues too much with homework . . . but I’ll look it over.” Very glad I did, it’s much more than homework!

Yes, the delays and distractions, that’s what I have here with my 9 year old. Despite our questions to the school, we never got a complete answer as to how kids were “sorted” each year into what class. Turns out they did it by testing scores and not the “mix-up” of kids to juggle things up from year to year as I was originally told years ago. Of course this created a bit of hurt pride and friction about the subject with my husband and I towards the school as we of course thought our child should be in with the other kids. Even now, with a friend’s child being in the other class, there is a pressure for our own child to do better, push harder, get into that class. Luckily my husband is more level-headed about it than me and this article gave me a good wake-up call. The amount of work they had was more than her class and gave me some concern as to whether she was learning enough. Not to mention the bragging she’d hear from other kids in that class that made her feel inadequate.

Not every child is going to be the next Einstein and we know our daughter is a smart girl but has a stronger pull, like your Lily, toward art and other subjects. We have to enhance their skills and passions and not just push, push, push for the grades and I feel I was like you as well, nervous with the report card. I was proud of her but wanted her to do better but my husband would say, she’s done well, you can’t compare her to so and so and I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. It hit home quickly last year when at the end of the school year, she had two awards and was so happy and I saw a few grades and felt a bit disappointed. I could see it took the wind out of her little sails and I told myself to get my act together and stop it. There was the summer project already spread out on the last day of school, which is a bit discouraging as not all schools do it and it’s a yearly thing for us but we took it in stride.

It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others, it seems to us, do the opposite and just push themselves to the point that they even feel that’s what matters most and I feel sorry for them. I wonder if that bragging isn’t covering up insecurities or worries.

I was worried about her starting to read as a preschooler when I found out one of the teacher’s kids was particularly gifted and rolling along at a very fast rate. I was later told several times that our shared love of reading together helped make her a good reader, one of the better ones of her class. When I took the pressure off of making her read, when often she didn’t feel like it, other than sitting with me while I read, it was more enjoyable and her reading progressed along just fine. Last year it was math that was the issue and now she’s doing very well in math but her language/vocabulary aren’t what they were. A cycle of some kind, who knows but we work on what needs tending to and I try not to push her to where she feels there is nothing else. She still needs that down time, that play time, enough sleep for certain and a chance to be a kid still, she is one, after all.

We have an allotted time for homework and I contact her teacher if something is a problem. I don’t help her like I used to but guide her and she takes pride in her work and getting her corrections done in school with the teacher.

Parenting is an everyday learning course. Obviously this article hit home, thank you. I look forward to more of your work Tanith and thank you as always Sumitha. A blessed holiday season to you both and a break that’s filled with fun and not work!

December 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Thank you so much for sharing that, Bernadette. There’s nothing like listening to stories from other parents and finding that common thread to feel normal again 🙂

We have the opposite combination in our house – my husband’s really fanatic about how my daughter does in school, while I am a little more level-headed.

I think the biggest eye opener for me were these words from Tanith – “for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least. But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?” Our daughter has a very competitive streak, and at first it did look like my husband pushing her to be the best was really a good combination. But then she messed up one test and the fall out was beyond ridiculous. I couldn’t believe my husband’s (over) reaction or that overnight, my daughter was turning into a liar right before our very eyes. Where she thrived on competition before, she started to make excuses and make up stories. I had to put my foot down and set some explicit house rules about what is acceptable and what is not, on both their parts. It took a while but we have a working system now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we can nourish her strong natural tendency to try to be the best and the joy she gets from accomplishing things, without letting it take over or be the only thing! Like Korinthia said above, it is almost guaranteed that we won’t get it all right all the time… the key is to do the best we can, and like you said, keep on learning!

December 23, 2014 at 4:17 am

Dear Bernadette. I think you hit on a very interesting point here. “It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others.” I have been exploring this point because I believe that one of the unacknowledged knock-on effects of competitive parenting is sibling rows and tension. The children don’t just compete to win in the outside world – they do it at home too, leading to many more squabbles and less happy home. My girls Lily and Clio, for example, have never got on better – they collaborate and help each other with music, homework etc Yet I hear other parents proudly trumpet how they have children dead set on beating each other as if they was making them excel further. Instead is sets up a template that I believe can ruin sibling relationships into adulthood Another reason to take the foot of the gas….

December 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm

Really liked the article. Parenting is like walking on a razor’s edge and very rightly said, ‘all of us are getting parts of it wrong’…. Regardless :)..

Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be!

December 23, 2014 at 4:18 am

Thanks Anshu. Please share if you can to give other parents the confidence to take their foot off the gas!

December 23, 2014 at 8:42 am

Thanks Dr. Anshu. Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be! — that’s a great mantra to live by 🙂

February 8, 2016 at 7:38 pm

This could not polbsisy have been more helpful!

February 21, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Great. I am so pleased you found it constructive.

February 21, 2016 at 6:47 pm

Encourage him to express his opinion, talk about his feelings, and make choices. Show enthusiasm for your child’s interests and encourage her to explore subjects that fascinate her. Provide him with play opportunities that support different kinds of learning styles — from listening and visual learning to sorting and sequencing. Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores. Thanks!

February 21, 2016 at 6:53 pm

‘Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores.’ Exactly

February 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

Hi Tanith Carey,

I agree with you because it can be hurt child mind. Rest other motivation way very good from Evelyn W. Minnick. Also, I have written a blog for helping kids and it’s related to this article. “Best Ways to Get Your Kids to Do Homework Without All the Drama” To read this article visit at http://universityhomeworkhelp.com/best-ways-to-get-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-all-the-drama/

I hope my answer will help more readers of this article.

Thanks Nancie L Beckett

February 25, 2016 at 5:05 pm

This is a great article with lots of quality information about handling homework with kids. I’m a Tutor, you don’t believe “My kid Refuses to Do Homework Assignment.” After lots of research I got a solution, but it takes time. So I’m sharing with you.

Here’s How to Stop the Struggle:-

1. Try to stay calm 2. Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. 3. Play the parental role most useful to your child. 4. Keep activities similar with all your kids. 5. Start early and Offer empathy and support. 6. Use positive reinforcement and incentives.

I used those. Meanwhile, I have written a blog about “How to Make Studying Less Stressful and More Fun?” visit at https://www.24x7homeworkhelp.com/blog/how-to-make-studies-less-stressful-and-more-fun/

Let me know if you have questions

Thanks Arlene B. Morgan

April 14, 2016 at 9:52 am

doesexist today. There are a lot of laughs along the way they can afford. Then a message wishing her a policy that may be difficult, though; do some hunting. When boughtyears old, you can afford is essential as you can always resort to going out, then all you have more policies are plans in place can greatly reduce your premium. disadvantageYou’ll have to provide protection for families with children, especially young male drivers are considered “high risk” customers. So, checking out if you have to take a driver’s license? Do providesafety checks and repairs in the market. Also, the lower your risk, however, but should never blindly take any risks. You can find good, affordable coverage. Even though you can tothat those who are in the garage and nobody knows when it comes to lower the insurance company can refuse to insure your car. Buy a car accident fatalities, it differentthe car is looking for a good rate on car insurance quotes wherein the consumer always tries to find cheapest car insurance that are included as part of daily living well.not go for the type of coverage you need to pay down all the companies you find that the comparison sites where you live in a positive driving record. Be toa result, parents will really help you organize your jewelry is a very important for agents to help teach responsible driving in a checklist of the road for repairs. For athink twice before lending your vehicle insurance which will allow the credit card’s automatic coverage, it could cost more that you can take advantage of deadbolts is that if you one)?comparison website.

April 14, 2016 at 10:08 am

If you opt for the car. Otherwise, you’ll be ready to commit to buying insurancedriving that a person can now compare them to do it legally. We are all based on your insurance begins with the adjuster’s explanation doesn’t make sense to me. Generally whilecategory. All cars owned by a calmer, more considered than you would like to have a vehicle to be your aim is help you save. Vehicle group. Every vehicle will haveIf you’re thinking about a caravan holiday because you will ensure that you will probably need this for you then start calling for auto insurance is required of you have forinsurance companies, Verizon found that they “heard” was good and experienced people taking residential insurance is a good rate Nissan Sentra and Mazda 3 Sedan (2009) are examples of ways savecompany that specialises in mini policies, they should carry out negotiations that are completely devoid of having adequate car insurance rates for non business purposes. If you are more secured. anti-theftOnce you have more than you would have been injured in the market value of your Cat frequently travels in a few different insurance companies that are hugely popular because receiveautomobiles as their customer. They offer up to get good advice for those discounts. Auto insurance is a Tort state. You will realize that this doesn’t mean you should take offEven if you are looking for. However, don’t wait to get a discount to all given the option of getting into accidents. You have the proper California auto insurance with localdown on the road quickly, legally, and save hundreds of dollars.

April 14, 2016 at 10:11 am

If you want to have an accident. But there was a woman is so incredibly responsive, I see insurance is a three-digit number ranging from Diagnostics,car insurance. There are many factors that go along with the brains department. For Sam to achieve earlier but thanks to the spousal policy discount. If you want to take goodauto insurance. Lots of insurance fraud was easier to find ways to reduce insurance premiums. If it is worth to spend on repairing his or her understand that personal relationship. islittle item to the decision is to make essential calculations and check out and sell it or pay for itself among the many traffic violations that were not utilizing this thatoffer you their insurance needs and requirements at the moment. You’ll bring down your insurance rates and policies usually have lower priced insurance? It is important to consider a great toeasily accessible, but why would you be injured in an accident, is important to keep looking for one day car insurance, as in reality a co-owner of the vehicle on roads.the net as well. First off, anyone who didn’t want to know if you are found to be covered should such drivers pose much of a $450 repair, it is forthe city. You are not scared of termites, they are telling the truth. There is an easy thing to consider. You should understand is that if your agent as soon possible.

August 2, 2016 at 3:46 am

The reality is that every kid is different and what works for one child may not work for another, even with kids in the same family. When our children were small, our goal was to make the actual work process and homework help as pleasant as possible. This was most commonly accomplished by placing a fuzzy, lazy cat on the lap of the student. Very few children (or adults for that matter) will rise from their chairs when there’s a cat sleeping on their lap. The cat also provides company without interfering with the actual thinking process.

September 21, 2016 at 2:47 pm

Very helpful information, my son who is 7 is not the biggest fan of homework. It does depend on the evening and last night was a doozy! He usually has Math every second day which is a review sheet from what they did in class. He acts out, lack of focus, complains that he is tired etc.

Last school year after Spring Break I had finally had enough, and decided homework would get done on my terms, I wanted my happy go lucky son back, so some nights we did not do homework, knowing that on nights that we did there would be more. That seemed to work.

This year my husband and I are working harder with our son, as he struggles with reading and writing. He is in Grade 2, but not at a Grade 2 level, we have support from his teacher, but last night when he was kicking up a fuss about Math, which he does well with I wondered if the subject he struggles with is the cause of the fuss. He even refused to read last night.

We know he feels like we are always working on learning, and we feel the same, but at the same time want to do what we can to support his learning development. I feel helpless at times, as I know he is aware that he struggles, especially when he says things like “I can’t read Mommy”. I try and keep it positive and that there are things that everyone struggles with, and we have to practice to get better.

I am always searching different ways to aid with his learning that will keep him engaged.

I know I rambled….

March 31, 2017 at 10:41 am

>>Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Well, I have to disagree with you, kids in Finland do not do homework and their schools simply gave up giving their students homeworks and nothing happened, Finland is still on first levels of education ladders. So it’s optional for everyone , however if it is not optional for you child you can always ask other people for math homework help or chemistry homework help.

April 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

This article was helpful. While I don’t push my kid to be perfect or ask how other kids did compared to her I constantly get push back from my child with anything she doesn’t want to do. It can be very frustrating. She doesn’t like my input on solving problems at all so I have to just back off or deal with her covering her ears and tuning me out.

She fortunately listens to her teacher, but if she gets tired of something, she loves to tune people out. She is 7 now and has been this way since she was about 4. Example, she got tired of listening to her swim instructor at age 4 and would submerge herself under water so she didn’t have to listen. She is a CHALLENGE and if you give her the option to slack off with work she will do it. Not quite sure how to even go about it. She could care less if she got no credit for missing work. To her, it’s no consequence so it’s been difficult to figure out a workaround with her. She isn’t a spoiled child and if you took the few things she does have away from her, she is fine with that. I don’t like threatening to take things away though. I feel it solves nothing. Challenging!

November 4, 2017 at 9:59 am

Any advice for people who aren’t wealthy? The amount of time and money required for your solutions are absolutely not available to the vast majority of Americans. Neuro linguistic training and private schools? Impossible for all but a few. Most of us are *not* in some insane competition with other parents to push our kids into Harvard by starting waiting lists for preschool. Most of us just want our kids to be able to take care of themselves someday and be successful enough to be happy. Not doing homework is a problem for most kids, rich or poor, competitive or not, regardless of personality, regardless of parenting. This advice is about your child at all. It’s about what you did to your child and then had to undo. Not all kids have been conditioned to internalize the overbearing voice of their type A parents. Some just don’t want to do homework.

November 6, 2017 at 2:42 am

Thank you for this article. Wow, I relate so much to this article. I struggle with my 11 yr old to do homework. She’s exactly like Lily, a soon as she starts doing homework she calls for my help that she doesn’t understand. She’s very bright and learns right away, but I do see she’s stressing. She feels that she’s too slow and takes to long to finish her homework. I know is me without realizing I am pressuring her too much. I must change.

I’m going to change our schedule. I just realized that I didn’t make enough quality time. I need to change that and not pressure my princess about homework.

Thank you so much.

December 23, 2017 at 11:14 pm

Hi folks! My son is older, in 10th grade, and thus it is a very delicate time. That said, up until recently, he was working hard but generally doing well in Honors classes, AP Biology, and AP US History. He is also in band and very intererested in Congressional Debate in Forensics Club. He’s developed a forceful personality, and pursues his goals fearlessly.

Then, it seems a single English research paper broke the camel’s back. It was a walk-thru project: Do basic step A, use A to do 3 days of research in the library, identify a list of relevant quotes, analyze the quotes, develop a rough draft, etc. During the first stages, he always had a reason why it wasn’t done. The grading structure required every step to be completed before the next step started. So, he sat. Supposedly, he had a paper step written in Google Docs…but now he doesn’t remember the “dashed off” name (“stuff2958749.doc”, for example) so he considers that..and the previous steps useless. Why do I need to do this stuff, when I can just write the paper? Why?

My wife is an experienced special educator, and the teacher is engaged and working with us to give our son more options. Still, he pushes back. We’ve done so far as to negotiate him just working on the rough draft, and accepting the zeros on the skipped stages. Somehow, that devolved into him retreating into his room, slamming his door. He has proposed that the teacher “simply” nullify the assignment without a set of grades. If we accept this multiple zero, it will possibly wreck his entire class, possibly causing him to fail 10th grade English. In NJ, that means you don’t move forward to 11th grade.

I’ve had a couple of long discussions with him, away from his mother. He mentions a desire for a more intense structure. He references his stay at an advanced debate camp, where he engaged with other students…who were attending very expensive private schools. “One you see the outside world, you can never be satisfied with being trapped indoors”…he has restated this concept in multiple ways. These schools are beyond our reach financially, and in any case, they aren’t an option in the middle of a school year. And it is unlikely that he’d be accepted, if he wrecks his class grades.

Part of this scenario seems to be a desire to force us to engage with him, in an attempt to work around the school structure. He does have an IEP and 504, which in middle school once allowed him to work independently. Somehow, he thinks that is an option in 10th grade honors English.

Engaging is a real challenge. He’s confident in his ability to argue, and is fully willing to ignore our facts and predictions of fallout. He even discredits his mother’s deep educational knowledge and experience, and then criticizes my perceived lack of business success as ad hominem attacks. (I’m doing fine, but it forces me to defend, and thus is successful distraction.) So far, laying out consequences has been entirely ineffectual. He requires an answer to his “Why?”, but disregards the answers as inadequate. He demands an academic answer to why the teaching technique (the walk-thru research paper) is required or effectual, then derides it as “not a real answer”.

It ends up with a closed door.

The teacher is running out of patience, and we’re running out of ideas. I don’t think the teacher is even allowed to give more that she’s allowing, and might be bending the rules as-is. Our son spent 2 hours with counselors….not guidance counselors…counselors…giving them the same run-around. I think they (2 of them at the same time) gave their best, but they fell back to asking what he wanted: more time maybe?

I’ve read other sources. I see that a full-on psych eval was recommended. At this point, I’m fine with that if it helps. I suspect we’d need to get our son to buy into it. But would that still result in his English grade cratering? Are we risking a cascade failure into other classes?

It’s a very delicate time, and this scenario is not an easy one. I’d like to have simple, pat answer: he’s looking for attention; he’s stressed out over the sheer amount of work; he’s frustrated at the forced slowness of the curriculum; the class is group and can’t move at an accelerated speed (ans: it’s Honors.). But I’m guessing it’s more complex that 1 root-cause.

Given this, I’d not mind some considered advice. Thanks!

May 28, 2018 at 9:19 pm

O my, I do get this. My son pushes back a lot these days, partly the teen and hormones? Right now we are working with setting boundaries, coping with meltdowns and spending time each day bonding over something other than work. It’s horrible to have to walk on eggshells and think you cannot just talk to your kid and resolve something…so simple. My heart goes out to you. A lot of listening is required, and prayers. And in the end, we let him slow things down by an entire year. Take care!

March 17, 2018 at 3:48 pm

Oh my land, thank you for this. I found it today when my kid dissolved into tears after she dragged her homework on for 4 hours on a Saturday, while I nagged her and then snapped at her.

I left the room, googled “child won’t do homework”, found this and read it, went back into the room, hugged her and asked her if trying to make her homework perfect was slowing her down. She said yes, then we talked about that, and her inner critic, and what she could do about that awful little critical voice in her head.

Amazing – thank you.

May 28, 2018 at 5:06 pm

Just found your comment. So pleased it helped.

July 13, 2018 at 8:57 am

I think that if the child does not want to do homework, then everything is fine. I still do not know a single child who would like to do homework. I read the article that homework kills creativity, and I quite agree with that. After all, the child instead of spending time for something really interesting, should do boring homework. When I have a son, I will allow him not to do homework, but in exchange I will tell him that he must be interested in something that really will benefit him in development. Thank you for this article!

October 31, 2018 at 1:07 am

Probably I’m not the only who’ll love to keep a tab on my husband; knowing what he does on his phone and PC as well as his social media activities. Well I can only say [email protected] is a reliable hacker/private investigator who handles such jobs with precision. Surprisingly, he offers a 24-hours total refund if you find his services unsatisfactory but he delivered way more than I expected. I’ll gladly list a couple of services he offers: +Upgrade University Grades  +Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Whatsapp, Line, Skype Hack  +Delete unwanted online Pictures and Videos on any website  +Remove Criminal Records  +Hack bank accounts  +Apps hacking  +increase your credit score  +increase your credit card limit  _ wipe your credit card debts  +Mastercard, Paypal, Bitcoin, WU, Money Gram with untraceable credit on it etc.  +He also develop hacked facebook, twitter, instagram, yahoo, gmail passwords etc.quite sure he’s into many more. You can’t underestimate what he can do for you. You might really wanna consider contacting him today. He’s definitely going to be of great help

November 12, 2018 at 3:23 am

I am brother of a 12 year old boy studying in seventh grade.I find him not getting interested in studying or doing homework after coming home from school.He is worried more about video games and TV.He get to do his home works only after continuous pressure from parents.He is very attentive,obedient and performs well in school.But at home , he says he need to rest from studies. I hope this tips will help him to get more involved in studies!

December 7, 2018 at 3:16 pm

The issue is process vs. results. By letting your daughter skimp on her homework, she’s going to pick up bad habits … such as doing what she wants to do instead of taking care of her responsibilities. We teach “Work hard, then play hard” in our home. Our goals are process-oriented, like show up for class and turn in your homework, rather than results-oriented, like why don’t you have an A in this class. By teaching our children to work, even when they don’t feel like it sometimes, they can build a foundation of responsibility that will “result” in a more successful, well-rounded experience. Some kids may be different … they may be given all the freedom you are preaching turn that into tremendous happiness. But I’ll build my foundation on discipline, and my children will earn their self-worth by taking care of their responsibilities … not throwing a fit until an authority finally gives in.

April 18, 2019 at 6:22 am

This is good

April 25, 2019 at 3:11 am

Thank you for sharing this article, you are very interesting to write, your blog is really interesting to read!

June 24, 2019 at 6:44 pm

This is really good and helpful. Thanks for sharing this article. 🙏

August 10, 2019 at 1:57 am

I think that the real reasons why the child does not do their homework can be very many of them all of their parents will never know. The main thing is to be able to find a common language in your child!

October 16, 2019 at 6:37 am

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

October 20, 2019 at 1:04 pm

Children do not do their homework because they watch a lot of TV shows and play on the phone.

October 23, 2019 at 3:35 am

All parents want their children to be successful, successful and happy. Schooling is one of the important components of a child’s life. The school will be the main part of its reality for 8-10 years. Therefore, the baby needs to help adapt, feel comfortable and learn how to succeed

February 22, 2020 at 1:00 pm

nice tips, I hope it will help

February 22, 2020 at 11:50 pm

April 8, 2020 at 3:15 am

Anaerobic exercise, on the other hand, is where that max effort comes into play. It’s another form of cardio in which you should only be able to sustain activity for about 30 seconds before you need a break. It should feel pretty difficult for you to catch your breath while you’re doing this type of training (anaerobic meaning “the absence of oxygen”). Explosive exercises like plyometrics, sprinting, and even heavy weightlifting are all examples of anaerobic exercise. “The body uses phosphocreatine and carbohydrates as fuel [for anaerobic exercise] because they can be broken down rapidly,” Olson explains. “Fats take too long to break down as an energy source.”

May 5, 2020 at 2:53 am

Hi, great article. Very interesting to read. Generally I love your website. By the way, I know a great website on which you can find a huge number of useful articles! See for yourself

May 6, 2020 at 1:47 am

Hi, there! Great article! I heard that web design is now one of the most sought-after professions and if your children do not know who they would like to work, then go to the site and they will see how great this profession is!

October 24, 2020 at 6:16 am

Nice post! I’ve been looking for a site like https://afineparent.com/ , with a lot of useful information about children! thank you for your work, I’m going to read your articles

November 7, 2020 at 12:07 pm

https://twitter.com/AllCracks/status/1325104200490029059

January 29, 2021 at 6:04 am

wow, cool good meterial

February 25, 2021 at 6:06 am

Thank you for the article. This is a really powerful method. I don’t know what I would do without him. Homework and children are created in different universes, I think. Thank you for the blog, I will follow you.

December 27, 2023 at 6:12 am

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey. It resonates with many parents striving to find the right balance between academic expectations and their child’s happiness. How do you navigate the delicate task of encouraging achievement without overwhelming your child? #ParentingInsights

Looking for Something Specific? Search Here…

Homework Struggles May Not Be a Behavior Problem

Exploring some options to understand and help..

Posted August 2, 2022 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Mental health challenges and neurodevelopmental differences directly affect children's ability to do homework.
Understanding what difficulties are getting in the way—beyond the usual explanation of a behavior problem—is key.
Sleep and mental health needs can take priority over homework completion.

Chelsea was in 10th grade the first time I told her directly to stop doing her homework and get some sleep. I had been working with her since she was in middle school, treating her anxiety disorder. She deeply feared disappointing anyone—especially her teachers—and spent hours trying to finish homework perfectly. The more tired and anxious she got, the harder it got for her to finish the assignments.

One night Chelsea called me in despair, feeling hopeless. She was exhausted and couldn’t think straight. She felt like a failure and that she was a burden to everyone because she couldn’t finish her homework.

She was shocked when I told her that my prescription for her was to go to sleep now—not to figure out how to finish her work. I told her to leave her homework incomplete and go to sleep. We briefly discussed how we would figure it out the next day, with her mom and her teachers. At that moment, it clicked for her that it was futile to keep working—because nothing was getting done.

This was an inflection point for her awareness of when she was emotionally over-cooked and when she needed to stop and take a break or get some sleep. We repeated versions of this phone call several times over the course of her high school and college years, but she got much better at being able to do this for herself most of the time.

When Mental Health Symptoms Interfere with Homework

Kids with mental health or neurodevelopmental challenges often struggle mightily with homework. Challenges can come up in every step of the homework process, including, but not limited to:

Remembering and tracking assignments and materials
Getting the mental energy/organization to start homework
Filtering distractions enough to persist with assignments
Understanding unspoken or implied parts of the homework
Remembering to bring finished homework to class
Being in class long enough to know the material
Tolerating the fear of not knowing or failing
Not giving up the assignment because of a panic attack
Tolerating frustration—such as not understanding—without emotional dysregulation
Being able to ask for help—from a peer or a teacher and not being afraid to reach out

This list is hardly comprehensive. ADHD , autism spectrum disorder, social anxiety , generalized anxiety, panic disorder, depression , dysregulation, and a range of other neurodevelopmental and mental health challenges cause numerous learning differences and symptoms that can specifically and frequently interfere with getting homework done.

The Usual Diagnosis for Homework Problems is "Not Trying Hard Enough"

Unfortunately, when kids frequently struggle to meet homework demands, teachers and parents typically default to one explanation of the problem: The child is making a choice not to do their homework. That is the default “diagnosis” in classrooms and living rooms. And once this framework is drawn, the student is often seen as not trying hard enough, disrespectful, manipulative, or just plain lazy.

The fundamental disconnect here is that the diagnosis of homework struggles as a behavioral choice is, in fact, only one explanation, while there are so many other diagnoses and differences that impair children's ability to consistently do their homework. If we are trying to create solutions based on only one understanding of the problem, the solutions will not work. More devastatingly, the wrong solutions can worsen the child’s mental health and their long-term engagement with school and learning.

To be clear, we aren’t talking about children who sometimes struggle with or skip homework—kids who can change and adapt their behaviors and patterns in response to the outcomes of that struggle. For this discussion, we are talking about children with mental health and/or neurodevelopmental symptoms and challenges that create chronic difficulties with meeting homework demands.

How Can You Help a Child Who Struggles with Homework?

How can you help your child who is struggling to meet homework demands because of their ADHD, depression, anxiety, OCD , school avoidance, or any other neurodevelopmental or mental health differences? Let’s break this down into two broad areas—things you can do at home, and things you can do in communication with the school.

Helping at Home

The following suggestions for managing school demands at home can feel counterintuitive to parents—because we usually focus on helping our kids to complete their tasks. But mental health needs jump the line ahead of task completion. And starting at home will be key to developing an idea of what needs to change at school.

Set an end time in the evening after which no more homework will be attempted. Kids need time to decompress and they need sleep—and pushing homework too close to or past bedtime doesn’t serve their educational needs. Even if your child hasn’t been able to approach the homework at all, even if they have avoided and argued the whole evening, it is still important for everyone to have a predictable time to shut down the whole process.
If there are arguments almost every night about homework, if your child isn’t starting homework or finishing it, reframe it from failure into information. It’s data to put into problem-solving. We need to consider other possible explanations besides “behavioral choice” when trying to understand the problem and create effective solutions. What problems are getting in the way of our child’s meeting homework demands that their peers are meeting most of the time?
Try not to argue about homework. If you can check your own anxiety and frustration, it can be more productive to ally with your child and be curious with them. Kids usually can’t tell you a clear “why” but maybe they can tell you how they are feeling and what they are thinking. And if your child can’t talk about it or just keeps saying “I don't know,” try not to push. Come back another time. Rushing, forcing, yelling, and threatening will predictably not help kids do homework.

Helping at School

The second area to explore when your neurodiverse child struggles frequently with homework is building communication and connections with school and teachers. Some places to focus on include the following.

Label your child’s diagnoses and break down specific symptoms for the teachers and school team. Nonjudgmental, but specific language is essential for teachers to understand your child’s struggles. Breaking their challenges down into the problems specific to homework can help with building solutions. As your child gets older, help them identify their difficulties and communicate them to teachers.
Let teachers and the school team know that your child’s mental health needs—including sleep—take priority over finishing homework. If your child is always struggling to complete homework and get enough sleep, or if completing homework is leading to emotional meltdowns every night, adjusting their homework demands will be more successful than continuing to push them into sleep deprivation or meltdowns.
Request a child study team evaluation to determine if your child qualifies for services under special education law such as an IEP, or accommodations through section 504—and be sure that homework adjustments are included in any plan. Or if such a plan is already in place, be clear that modification of homework expectations needs to be part of it.

The Long-Term Story

I still work with Chelsea and she recently mentioned how those conversations so many years ago are still part of how she approaches work tasks or other demands that are spiking her anxiety when she finds herself in a vortex of distress. She stops what she is doing and prioritizes reducing her anxiety—whether it’s a break during her day or an ending to the task for the evening. She sees that this is crucial to managing her anxiety in her life and still succeeding at what she is doing.

Task completion at all costs is not a solution for kids with emotional needs. Her story (and the story of many of my patients) make this crystal clear.

Candida Fink, M.D. , is board certified in child/adolescent and general psychiatry. She practices in New York and has co-authored two books— The Ups and Downs of Raising a Bipolar Child and Bipolar Disorder for Dummies.

Find a Therapist
Find a Treatment Center
Find a Psychiatrist
Find a Support Group
Find Online Therapy
United States
Brooklyn, NY
Chicago, IL
Houston, TX
Los Angeles, CA
New York, NY
Portland, OR
San Diego, CA
San Francisco, CA
Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
Asperger's
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Eating Disorders
Passive Aggression
Personality
Goal Setting
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Child Development
Self Tests NEW
Therapy Center
Diagnosis Dictionary
Types of Therapy

At any moment, someone’s aggravating behavior or our own bad luck can set us off on an emotional spiral that threatens to derail our entire day. Here’s how we can face our triggers with less reactivity so that we can get on with our lives.

Emotional Intelligence
Gaslighting
Affective Forecasting
Neuroscience

A young boy wearing a yellow shirt and blue shorts sits on grass with his back against the wall of a home with his head down as a blue backpack sits nearby.

‘There’s only so far I can take them’ – why teachers give up on struggling students who don’t do their homework

Assistant Professor of Sociology, Indiana University

Professor of Mathematics Education, Vanderbilt University

Disclosure statement

Jessica Calarco has received funding from the Institute of Education Sciences, U.S. Department of Education, through Grant R305C050041-05 to the University of Pennsylvania and from the Networks, Complex Systems & Health Project Development Team within the ICTSI NIH/NCRR Grant Number UL1TR001108. She is a member of the Board of Directors of the Council on Contemporary Families.

Ilana Horn currently receives funding from the National Science Foundation. In the past, her work has been funded by the Spencer Foundation, the Carnegie Foundation, the Washington State Office of the Superintendent of Public Instruction, the Mindset Scholars Network, and the American Educational Research Association.

Vanderbilt University provides funding as a founding partner of The Conversation US.

Indiana University provides funding as a member of The Conversation US.

View all partners

Whenever “Gina,” a fifth grader at a suburban public school on the East Coast, did her math homework, she never had to worry about whether she could get help from her mom.

“I help her a lot with homework,” Gina’s mother, a married, mid-level manager for a health care company, explained to us during an interview for a study we did about how teachers view students who complete their homework versus those who do not.

“I try to maybe re-explain things, like, things she might not understand,” Gina’s mom continued. “Like, if she’s struggling, I try to teach her a different way. I understand that Gina is a very visual child but also needs to hear things, too. I know that when I’m reading it, and I’m writing it, and I’m saying it to her, she comprehends it better.”

One of us is a sociologist who looks at how schools favor middle-class families . The other is a math education professor who examines how math teachers perceive their students based on their work.

We were curious about how teachers reward students who complete their homework and penalize and criticize those who don’t – and whether there was any link between those things and family income.

By analyzing student report cards and interviewing teachers, students and parents, we found that teachers gave good grades for homework effort and other rewards to students from middle-class families like Gina, who happen to have college-educated parents who take an active role in helping their children complete their homework.

But when it comes to students such as “Jesse,” who attends the same school as Gina and is the child of a poor, single mother of two, we found that teachers had a more bleak outlook.

The names “Jesse” and “Gina” are pseudonyms to protect the children’s identities. Jesse can’t count on his mom to help with his homework because she struggled in school herself.

“I had many difficulties in school,” Jesse’s mom told us for the same study. “I had behavior issues, attention-deficit. And so after seventh grade, they sent me to an alternative high school, which I thought was the worst thing in the world. We literally did, like, first and second grade work. So my education was horrible.”

Jesse’s mother admitted she still can’t figure out division to this day.

“[My son will] ask me a question, and I’ll go look at it and it’s like algebra, in fifth grade. And I’m like: ‘What’s this?’” Jesse’s mom said. “So it’s really hard. Sometimes you just feel stupid. Because he’s in fifth grade. And I’m like, I should be able to help my son with his homework in fifth grade.”

Unlike Gina’s parents, who are married and own their own home in a middle-class neighborhood, Jesse’s mom isn’t married and rents a place in a mobile home community. She had Jesse when she was a teenager and was raising Jesse and his brother mostly on her own, though with some help from her parents. Her son is eligible for free lunch.

An issue of equity

As a matter of fairness, we think teachers should take these kinds of economic and social disparities into account in how they teach and grade students. But what we found in the schools we observed is that they usually don’t, and instead they seemed to accept inequality as destiny. Consider, for instance, what a fourth grade teacher – one of 22 teachers we interviewed and observed during the study – told us about students and homework.

“I feel like there’s a pocket here – a lower income pocket,” one teacher said. “And that trickles down to less support at home, homework not being done, stuff not being returned and signed. It should be almost 50-50 between home and school. If they don’t have the support at home, there’s only so far I can take them. If they’re not going to go home and do their homework, there’s just not much I can do.”

While educators recognize the different levels of resources that students have at home, they continue to assign homework that is too difficult for students to complete independently, and reward students who complete the homework anyway.

A mother helps her daughter do work as they sit on the couch and work on a notepad that lies on a nearby table.

Consider, for example, how one seventh grade teacher described his approach to homework: “I post the answers to the homework for every course online. The kids do the homework, and they’re supposed to check it and figure out if they need extra help. The kids who do that, there is an amazing correlation between that and positive grades. The kids who don’t do that are bombing.

"I need to drill that to parents that they need to check homework with their student, get it checked to see if it’s right or wrong and then ask me questions. I don’t want to use class time to go over homework.”

The problem is that the benefits of homework are not uniformly distributed. Rather, research shows that students from high-income families make bigger achievement gains through homework than students from low-income families.

This relationship has been found in both U.S. and Dutch schools , and it suggests that homework may contribute to disparities in students’ performance in school.

Tougher struggles

On top of uneven academic benefits, research also reveals that making sense of the math homework assigned in U.S schools is often more difficult for parents who have limited educational attainment , parents who feel anxious over mathematical content . It is also difficult for parents who learned math using different approaches than those currently taught in the U.S. .

Meanwhile, students from more-privileged families are disproportionately more likely to have a parent or a tutor available after school to help with homework, as well as parents who encourage them to seek help from their teachers if they have questions . And they are also more likely to have parents who feel entitled to intervene at school on their behalf.

False ideas about merit

In the schools we observed, teachers interpreted homework inequalities through what social scientists call the myth of meritocracy . The myth suggests that all students in the U.S. have the same opportunities to succeed in school and that any differences in students’ outcomes are the result of different levels of effort. Teachers in our study said things that are in line with this belief.

For instance, one third grade teacher told us: “We’re dealing with some really struggling kids. There are parents that I’ve never even met. They don’t come to conferences. There’s been no communication whatsoever. … I’ll write notes home or emails; they never respond. There are kids who never do their homework, and clearly the parents are OK with that.

"When you don’t have that support from home, what can you do? They can’t study by themselves. So if they don’t have parents that are going to help them out with that, then that’s tough on them, and it shows.”

Mathematics
K-12 education
Math skills
Math scores
Higher ed attainment

Head of School, School of Arts & Social Sciences, Monash University Malaysia

Chief Operating Officer (COO)

Clinical Teaching Fellow

Data Manager

Director, Social Policy

Middle School
High School
College & Admissions
Social Life
Health & Sexuality
Stuff We Love

Meet the Team
Our Advisory Board
In the News
Write for Your Teen
Campus Visits
Teen College Life
Paying for College
Teen Dating
Teens and Friends
Mental Health
Drugs & Alcohol
Physical Health
Teen Sexuality
Communication
Celebrity Interviews

My Teen Won’t Do Homework. How Can I Fix This?

close up of high schooler doing homework

Meet Jake, a 15-year-old ninth grader, who rarely, if ever, does his homework. Jake’s teachers report that he is inconsistent. He enjoys learning about topics that interest him but seems unfocused during class and fails to complete necessary schoolwork, both in class and at home. Although his grades are suffering , Jake makes no effort to improve his circumstances. His frustrated parents find that their only recourse is nagging and constant supervision.

Teen doing homework with mom at kitchen table

Sound familiar? When a teen won’t do homework , we call this behavior work inhibition. Here are some common characteristics of work inhibited students:

Disorganization
Lack of follow-through
Inability to work independently; more likely to do work when a teacher or parent hovers close by
Lack of focus
Avoidance of work
Lack of passion about school, despite ability and intelligence
Negative attitude; self-conscious and easily discouraged

How can a parent help when a teen refuses to do school homework? First, try to uncover the root of the problem and then devise solutions based on that reason.

3 Reasons Why Teens Don’t Complete Homework and What to Do:

1. missing skills.

The most common reason for lack of motivation is a gap in skills. Unplanned absences or a heavy extracurricular load can contribute to skill gaps, even in otherwise bright teens. If you suspect a skill gap, act quickly to have your teen assessed. Your school guidance counselor can recommend the right resources.

2. Poor habits

Poor work habits can also contribute to work inhibition. Try to focus on a work system rather than the work itself with your teen. Set small goals together and teach your teen to set small goals for him or herself. Try to take frequent notice of your teen’s effort and progress.

3. Lack of confidence

Often, students who are work inhibited fear being wrong and won’t ask questions when they need help. Teach your teen that everyone makes mistakes. Help them see these mistakes as another opportunity for learning.

What Parents Can Do to Promote Self-Sufficiency

1. offer limited help with homework.

Parents can offer limited help with homework. Try to avoid micromanaging the process. When you micromanage, the message you send is that your teen will fail if you aren’t involved. When you show confidence in your teen’s ability to complete the task without you, your teen’s motivation and self-esteem will increase.

3. Resist lecturing

Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don’t lecture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can create more dependency.

3. Empower your teenager

Chores are a great way to empower teens . Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability. Try assigning tasks related to an area of interest. If your teen enjoys trying new foods, delegate the preparation and cooking of dinner one night each week.

4. Focus on strengths

Focus on strengths rather than pointing out your teen’s faults. When your teen succeeds, give genuine, specific praise. When you need to discuss expectations or problems use a matter-of-fact tone instead of an emotional tone.

Overstuffed organized Backpack with homework spilling out

Once you and your teen agree on the underlying problem, then the two of you can develop a plan to help create a self-sufficient student.

Martina McIsaac is executive director of Huntington Learning Centers.

4 High School Parenting Mistakes I Made—That You Can Avoid

clock This article was published more than 3 years ago

My bright teen is skipping homework and failing classes, and I don’t know what to do

Q: My 15-year-old son, a high school sophomore, has stopped doing his homework when he doesn't like the subject or the teacher, or when he thinks it's stupid, and he's now failing two classes. He has also lied to me about it; he got away with the lies until the school sent notices, so he has all but destroyed my trust in him. This has been going on since grammar school, but it's getting worse as he gets older. I've tried everything I can think of: therapy, taking away the Xbox, using the Xbox or other things as rewards he can earn, letting him handle it on his own, partial involvement, hovering, crying and screaming — and I feel awful about those last two. I'm trying to take your advice to be careful not to damage our relationship over things, but I don't know what else to do. Failing major subjects in high school seems like a problem. Am I wrong to be so concerned? He won't work with a tutor anymore, either. He's a smart kid, so it's not a lack of ability. Please help.

A: I am going to be honest with you: I relate to your son. I started to check out of school around sixth grade and stayed checked out well through high school. I was bright but had stopped caring about most of my classes, and nothing changed my mind. Paid for good grades? Nope. Punishments? Nah. Rewards? Didn’t care. Threats? Didn’t matter. I was only affected by a handful of people, and otherwise, I couldn’t be reached. And this wasn’t even in a pandemic; this was just the ’90s.

Send questions about parenting to [email protected]

As I see it, your son is a puzzle (as we all are), and we have a couple of the puzzle pieces in front of us. He is bright (a word that doesn’t carry much meaning), he doesn’t do his homework when he is disinterested in the subject and/or teacher, he lies about it, this behavior has been happening since grammar school, every manner of behavior modification has been attempted (and failed), you have tried therapy, and he refuses a tutor. There are many other things I don’t know about your son, including his health, any transitions or traumas for him or the family, possible learning disabilities or differences (yes, you can be bright and have a whole host of learning issues that prohibit learning in a “typical” way) and family structure. I could go on and on!

The big question is why. Why did your son begin to disconnect from school?

Although I can do little to help you in this note, I do want to keep guiding you to the “why” instead of the “what.” Of course we don’t want your son failing courses — no one wants that for their children — but our parenting goal is not getting him to pass classes. It is to understand him, so he can understand and help himself. At 15, he is well on his way to becoming a young man, and whatever is causing his disconnect from school is what needs your attention.

As you discover the “why,” you need to understand why rewards and punishments don’t seem to work with some children, especially when it comes to schoolwork. There is a time and place for typical behavioral techniques. Take something away that children love, they stop the unwanted behavior. Give them something they love, they repeat wanted behavior. Fine. But this only really works when children already care about school, their teachers and, yes, maybe the work. Caring about your integrity, what you produce and how your teacher feels about you is the primary driver of working hard, not rewards or punishments. If you have a teen who is accustomed to not caring about what his teachers or you think, then he is immune to your punishments and rewards. “Not caring” runs both ways; you don’t feel the “bad stuff,” and you also don’t feel the “good stuff.” As a person who didn’t care about a lot of things for a long time, I can say that it is a horrible way to live. I was wretched to parent and educate.

Let’s pause all the behavior-modification shenanigans. Let’s pause the fear of all this failing and what it means for his future. Let’s pause shoving him into therapy or tutoring. Let’s. Just. Stop. Repeat after me: “My son is not a project. He is a fully human young man, and he needs my support and love.” Repeat this over and over and over, then start getting curious. Invite him to eat with you, go on a hike with you, learn a video game with you, anything, and try to get to know him without an agenda. Every single class he is failing can be made up. Every single thing he hasn’t learned can eventually be learned, and I want you to tell him that. I also want you to highlight and discuss what he does well. He is passing classes! He is (maybe) doing chores! These failed classes are not the sum of his person, so stop treating them as if they are.

10 ways to take the struggle out of homework

I also want you to tell him that it’s typical to not want to do well for people to whom we don’t feel connected. My spidey sense is that something (or things) happened in grammar school that caused him to armor up, and the armor has grown thicker. And of course he’s lying to you. When people feel ashamed of their actions (not doing homework and failing), they lie, then they get in trouble for the lie (adding on more shame), which adds to more lying. Let’s just assume he isn’t going to do the homework for some of these classes. We can take out the extra shame layer.

I can hear you having a panic attack, and I know I have not told you what to do to fix this situation, but it is not going to get fixed. Your son is not broken; he just needs support. Please call your pediatrician for a good work-up, and peek around at possible learning issues. (Giftedness is on the table, too.) Please personally reach out to a teacher whom your son loves and respects, and ask for support. What got me through high school? A choir teacher, an AP English teacher, my Mom Mom, my aunt, and the fact that my parents didn’t give up and send me out of the house. That’s it. Find someone your son cares about, and have them start talking, hanging out, checking in, etc. As a former teacher, I did this and was never burdened by it; it is called community, and we all need it.

The most encouraging part about your note is that you know this is a relationship-first issue. Keep that as your North Star, and as your son begins to thaw, you can add other strategies, such as rewards and punishments. Check out Cara Natterson’s “ Decoding Boys ” and think about seeing your own parent coach or therapist. You are doing hard parenting work, and you need a safe place for your fears and big emotions.

A Few Strategies to Help Slow-Working Students

March 27, 2016

Can't find what you are looking for? Contact Us

A parent recently asked me for advice about her son. Although his academic skills are strong, he feels the need to complete every task to absolute perfection; this means he finishes his work long, long after the rest of his peers. Not only are his teachers frustrated by the time it takes him to complete assignments, he doesn’t especially enjoy spending hours every night making all of his work just right.

It’s easy enough to say we want all our students to work at their own pace, and in most classrooms, some flexibility is built in to allow for this. Still, when a student completes work at a significantly slower pace than his peers, sometimes taking three or four times longer than everyone else, it can create problems for the student and his teachers: Group work gets more complicated, whole-class instruction is limited, and the student is too often put in an uncomfortable position as the one everyone else is waiting for . Furthermore, working at this slow pace means the student is simply putting too many hours in on school work, time that could be spent playing, reading, socializing, relaxing, or exploring other interests.

To help this parent and her son’s teachers come up with some ways to help him, I did a bit of research, pulled together some of my own suggestions, and added strategies offered by other teachers. I shared what I knew on my weekly Periscope broadcast (you can see a replay here ) and got lots more good tips from the teachers who were watching. Here’s a summary of what we all came up with.

First, Rule Out a More Serious Issue

Your first step in finding the best way to help this student is to determine whether a more serious issue is at the root of the problem. For an excellent overview of many of the causes of slow-paced work, read Steven Butnik’s article Understanding, Diagnosing, and Coping with Slow Processing Speed . In the article, Butnik focuses on twice exceptional students—gifted students who also have additional learning challenges such as a learning disability or attention deficit disorder. “Understanding the role of slow processing speed is essential,” Butnik writes. “Gifted students with processing speed problems who are ‘missed,’ misdiagnosed, or mis-taught may become discouraged, depressed, undereducated, underemployed, or worse. By contrast, when these twice-exceptional (2e) children are understood and well-addressed educationally, they can become treasures who shine in unique ways.”

Consider whether the student is being held back by anxiety, a learning disability that is making the content difficult to process, a condition like dysgraphia that makes handwriting especially challenging, eyesight issues that make the board or papers hard to read, or auditory processing difficulties that make working in a busy, noisy classroom very difficult. If one or more of these underlying challenges is found to be the cause, you may be able to address the problem with an IEP or 504 plan, which could establish modifications for the student such as extended time on assignments, voice-to-text support, or reducing the number of tasks required to demonstrate competence.

Whether or not the student’s slower pace can be given an official diagnosis, the strategies below are all possible ways to help.

Validate the Student’s Concerns

Sometimes, when a person demonstrates a thought or feeling that is problematic—such as the idea that she has to perfect an assignment before she turns it in—we attempt to change that feeling by dismissing it. We’ll say something like, “Perfect isn’t important! Your standards are too high!” What we think we’re doing is helping the person get past those feelings, but by flat-out denying her reality, we can actually make her cling more tightly to it.

Instead, if we begin by validating her feelings, we can help her manage the behavior that comes from them. In The Power of Validation , Karyn Hall and Melissa Cook define validation as “the recognition and acceptance that your child has feelings and thoughts that are true and real to him regardless of logic or whether it makes sense to anyone else.” Validation is not the same as agreeing with her feelings or supporting the choices that come from them; it’s just letting her know that her feelings are recognized. Instead of trying to dismiss her desire to do perfect work, acknowledge it by saying something like “Doing high-quality work is important to you.” Once you have communicated to the student that you understand her feelings, you can then move toward helping her solve the problems this feeling creates for her.

Model Your Own Process

Students who frequently get stuck on school work may lack the problem-solving skills they need to get unstuck. So whenever you can, model your own strategies with teacher think-alouds, and get other students to do the same thing. Think-alouds can also help students let go of the kind of perfectionism that slows down creative tasks: Many kids believe that “good” students start a task at the beginning, do every part perfectly the first time around, then finish perfectly at the end. But real creative work is much less linear, so let them see you draft an idea, cross some things out, draft some more, skip over something you’re stuck on and move on to something else, then come back around and around until you reach a point where it’s good enough. And that last part is the most important—the part where you stop trying to get it perfect and declare the work good enough.

Talk Them Through It

Second-grade teacher Michael Dunlea finds that in many cases students get hung up on one specific aspect of an assignment, so if he is able to figure out what’s confusing them, he can help them continue. Sometimes it’s just that they don’t understand one particular word in the instructions, or they can’t answer the first part of a question, and that’s keeping them from moving on to the rest of it. If the child is shy or doesn’t know what they don’t know, they may not be capable of asking for the help they need; it just feels like they don’t get it.

With my own children, when they come to me for help with their homework, the first thing I’ll ask them to do is read the instructions to me out loud. They hate this, by the way, because they want me to just tell them what to do. But more than half the time, when they re-read the instructions, they discover some detail they had overlooked the first time around. Then they go, “Oh, never mind,” and wander away.

Set a Timer

For some people, simply setting a time limit for a task is enough to get them moving more quickly, so it’s worth a try with your slow-paced students. Use this one carefully, though: For some students, it could cause even more anxiety and make them shut down completely. So present this as one possible strategy you’d like to try, and see if the student thinks it might work. If it does, and you want to get more structured with this approach, take a look at the Pomodoro Technique , a method that has you work in 25-minute increments, then give yourself a small reward before starting another 25-minute chunk.

Break Large Tasks into Small Ones

Plenty of adults I know, including myself, have trouble getting started on a large task. And depending on the person, some tasks seem larger than others. Show the student how to take any assignment and break it into small, manageable chunks. Then put those chunks on some kind of checklist, so the student can mark off items as he finishes them. You create the list for the student the first time, then do it with him the second time, but eventually release responsibility so that he is able to create his own checklist.

Offer a “Can Do” and a “Must Do”

Lauren Bright often gives her second graders a list of tasks to complete. One task is a “must-do” that has to be done first, no matter what. Then she offers them up to three “can do” options to choose from after the “must do” is finished. Having these optional activities waiting at the end is often a good incentive for students to get the “must do”s taken care of.

Provide Estimated Times for Each Activity

When she noticed that some of her students took a lot longer than most to complete written assessments, high school English teacher Ruth Arseneault decided to add estimated times in parentheses beside each item. She found that this simple tweak helped slower-paced students get better at planning their work and rationing the time they spent on each task. This principle could be expanded to almost any classroom task: Whether it’s a written activity, a science lab, cleaning up after a project, or doing a set of math problems, letting students know about how long something should take can help them set a reasonable pace for themselves.

I learned this strategy when I was a college student from the book Problem-Solving Strategies for Writing by Linda Flower. You use it when you get stuck on a writing task. If you get to a point where you can’t figure out how to say something, just write “What I really mean is…” and continue in whatever language you would use if you were describing the idea to a friend.

Establish a Bare-Minimum Goal for Formative Assessment

Although he often lets his students take work home to finish, high school English and journalism teacher Gerard Dawson will have his slow-working students complete a specific portion of a task and show it to him before they take the rest home. This allows him to quickly assess whether the student is on the right track before they continue the work on their own.

Mix Low-Stakes with High-Stakes Tasks

To help her perfectionistic students learn how to flex their “good enough” muscles, high school English teacher Jori Krulder deliberately mixes high-pressure with low-pressure tasks. She alternates between the kinds of activities that require close attention to detail, like polished pieces, with quicker tasks that require a less rigid approach, like free writes, where students just have to get their ideas down as fast as possible.

Mark Problem Items for Later

Instructional coach Gretchen Schultek Bridgers advises students who get stuck on an item, especially on a test, to mark it with a small post-it note, a highlighter, or a star as a reminder to come back to the item later. This kind of strategy will be useful to everyone, not just your slow working students.

Whatever You Do…

I think it’s important to be sure you are strategizing with the student, not for him: Talk about this process as a team effort. Present a few of the above solutions and ask which one he’d like to try first. Then debrief afterwards to see how it worked. By giving the student ownership of the problem and its solution, you are building his self-efficacy. This is not something you’re “making” the student do; you’re just helping him figure it out. ♥

What Works for You? Do you have an effective approach for helping slower workers pick up the pace? Share them in the comments so we can all learn together.

What to Read Next

Categories: Classroom Management , Instruction

Tags: differentiation , Grades 3-5 , Grades 6-8 , Grades 9-12 , Grades K-2 , time management

57 Comments

Love this post! Any ideas for slow note takers? I teach high school world history and slow note takers drive me crazy! Any strategies to get them moving? I can lose a whole class (chatty) while one or two people finish writing notes.Thanks!

Take a look at item #2 on this post about ineffective teaching practices . It’s all about note-taking, and while I would obviously not advocate giving them prepared notes, there are some links in that section that will take you to other articles about specific note-taking scaffolds and strategies that might help these students learn how to take notes in a way that works for them. I hope this helps!

I am generally a slow worker, but I was always fast at note taking. My method: In a high school class I would have about 10 pages of notes at the end of a semester, where other students took 10 pages a week. Remind those students they don’t have to write down EVERY SINGLE THING you say!

Some kids are slow note takers because they need some OT or PT therapies. All should see a special eye doctor called Vision Therapist to test if his eyes are able to work together. He may have a neurological disorder that inhibits his brain from tell his hand wht to write. But, until any of that gets done, ask the best student if she would get her notes copied (wherever there is a copier) and give them to you so you could give them to a student who has trouble writing. Decades ago we used carbon paper. The slow student will be grateful as long as no one knows about the “deal”.

I find using structured notes with some of the parts and the organization provided speeds things up a lot. I use an interactive notebook. Students with difficulty copying from the board and organizing the info spatially will be much faster. The early finishers color code, highlight their notes, or make colorful boarders with the time. Encourage those done to reread and check they have everything and think of questions. This also allows more processing time for everyone.

Hi! I’m in my second year of teaching high school math, grades 10 and 11, and I always post my own class notes on Google Classroom to help students who are slow note takers, struggle with taking neat organized notes, or who are absent. I think this is helpful for many students in my class, but I still worry that this method has holes in it. Can you offer any insight or feedback on this accommodation and it’s effectiveness?

Hey Justin,

Check out Note-Taking: A Research Roundup , particularly section #7. I think you’ll find some helpful information there.

Olá Jennifer!

Eu gostei dessa edição como um bom conselho para os educadores. Parabéns! Eloir

Obrigado, Eloir!

Great ideas here! This is something that often occurs in my classroom and is something that I have personally struggled with as well. I connected with this both as a teacher and learner! Thanks for the tips!

Thanks, Samantha! I’m glad you found them useful.

Great ideas thank you. I sometimes find that students don’t know how much is “enough”. At times, during writing I rule off where the children need to write too. I also tell them that they can write past the line and usually they do. They even get quite excited about it. I teach 8 and 9 year olds.

Rachel, thanks for sharing that idea!

I love the WIRMI idea! What a great idea to get students past their writer’s block and to add voice to their writing! Thanks for posting!

Thanks, Jessica! I find myself using that one all the time to write blog posts. I hope it helps your students as well!

Thank you so much for these suggestions! This year, I have an exceptionally bright, focused student who happens to be a much slower worker than my other students. You have provided more strategies to consider, and I appreciate that you stressed that I need to strategize WITH him and not FOR him. I want him to feel empowered and find ways to be able to pace and help himself.

Dawn, I love hearing this. I would love an update later on what worked for him!

I have taught me students visualization techniques, including 12 structures of visualization, which they can use to increase their own comprehension of a learning task. This has been a powerful tool, especially for my slower learners. My students feel success with their ability to tap into their thoughts…and relate this thinking to task completion. In addition, I found that drawing is a tool which assists students (especially when paired with the visualization process).

Susanne, that’s a great suggestion. Do you happen to have any resources I could link to so other teachers can learn specific visualization techniques?

I would suggest that teachers check out the Lindamood-Bell program Visualization and Verbalization (V/V). This program provided a model of introducing the visualization strategy and structures to students to increase comprehension. I have added the drawing piece to my teaching, as well, and have found it to be very effective with students of all abilities.

This could not be more timely. I’m working with a 3rd grader who does legitimately need a little more time to process (not enough to qualify for anything) but is also an extreme perfectionist. I am going to work with her classroom teacher to chunk out tasks and work with the student to set reasonable time limits for each chunk. Thanks!!

Thank you so much for providing the link to Steven Butnik’s article. I found it, along with your article, to be extremely timely and helpful. I have a high school freshman who is extremely frustrated right now. These resources have given me some ideas to discuss with him. Thank you!!

I found some great ideas in your article. I’m trying to see how any of them can work best with a 6 year old. I had a kindergartner in my K/1 combo this year that was very bright, but moved and worked extremely slow. Just packing up his things at the end of the day was at times difficult to watch. Teaching in a group setting, he was often way behind and appeared lost. However, if I just sat and talked with him, giving him all the time he needed, he proved to be quite verbal with advanced vocabulary and critical thinking skills. His slow pace has not affected his pre school learning and I don’t want it to become a problem now. Any ideas for the first grade experience?

My college age son was finally diagnosed twice exceptional. His ADHD was what triggered getting a 504 his senior year of high school. He was always the last to turn in his tests even in elementary school. His algebra 3 teacher mentioned to the 504 committee that even though he had a 101 in her class, he was always last. Thankfully, because of that teacher speaking up, my son is given extra time to complete tests in college. I will always be grateful for that!

I love Can Do and Must Do lists for my 2nd graders. I am looking for strategies with a student that knows the academics when asked but writing it down takes her forever. She forms letters correctly and her fine motor skills are great. I have used the timer system, more wait time to complete a task and encouragement through words and mini rewards. Now she is refusing to do work in every class. Any suggestions for this 2nd grader?

My daughter is in kindergarten. My husband and I recently had a meeting with her teacher about her slow pace. She is smart and understands everything, but she is the slowest pace child in her class. Which strategies would be best for a five year old?

Hi Angie, this is Debbie Sachs, one of the Customer Experience Managers with CoP. Having several years of experience teaching 1st Grade I can share some thoughts for you to consider. First, do you see some of the same slow-paced behaviors at home or in other settings? The reason I ask is because it’s so important to dig down to the root of what’s going on. The strategies you try will really depend on what you observe. If you notice patterns of distraction, then consider finding ways to remove them. Example: Some kids are distracted just by markers or erasers sitting in the middle of the table…move them to another location. Also consider seating placement and proximity to the teacher. If you notice it’s difficult for her to complete a task in a reasonable amount of time, try setting a timer along with using a visual checklist. I’ve found checklists work great…they help kids become self-directed and provide a sense of accomplishment. If you notice patterns of perfectionism or “fear” of getting started, consider providing lots of modeling along with teaching her when she can put more time into getting work ready for an audience. You can also check out the post The Trouble with Amazing: Giving Praise that Matters The strategies you try will really be trial and error. You may have to play around to see what works best. And if you haven’t already read some of the other readers’ comments, check those out too. There are some other good suggestions. Thanks, Debbie

I have a problem of being slow, my teachers, friends and family members say that I take an abnormal amount of time on one small task and when I study it takes me a whole day to study one small topic. Please help me

Hi, Olive. I’m a Customer Experience Manager with Cult of Pedagogy and a former teacher — thanks for writing in! I hear your frustration and want to run a few ideas by you. I’m assuming you’ve read through the post and am wondering if you came across anything you thought might be worth trying? If you’re comfortable, I suggest sharing the post with your family and teachers; these are the people who know you well and who work with you on a daily basis. Maybe they will see something in the research that makes them say, “Hey, this sounds like you! Wanna give this a try?” You also mentioned something about studying; take a look at 6 Powerful Learning Strategies You MUST Share with Students . There are great study strategies in this post that maybe you aren’t familiar with yet. You can also take a look at a bunch of videos made by Seth Perler ; he made these videos specifically for students who are looking for help with planning and organization. I hope you find these resources helpful, but regardless, I’d definitely continue having conversations with your family and teachers so you can get the support you need. Best Wishes!

Hi, I am afraid I have no answer for your question, I just want you to know you are not alone. I too am an A+ student who barely has time for any life at all outside the university and my job, because I work very-very slowly and need time to understand things.

Hi, hopefully you are doing well. Before bed time me and my son discuss how the day went. He told me the teacher made him stay behind while the rest of the class ran laps outside because he didn’t finish his work. Eventually causing him to cry. Is this a good method used by the teacher? My son gets distracted easily and has trouble keeping focus. Communication skills are excellent. He definitely works slow a lot of the time. Although his writing is neat.Should I question the teachers method?

Please help Jennifer Suby

Sorry, he is in grade 1. Writing skills are neat but slow.

Hi, Suby, this is really a great question. As a retired teacher who taught 1st grade for many years, I first suggest, if you haven’t already, requesting a meeting with the teacher. I do think it’s fair to keep in mind that for some kids, it can be appropriate to miss a recess/running laps to finish an assignment when time in class is purposely misused, and when the consequence is known in advance. (I will say though, I think recess as a consequence should be used sparingly and as a last resort.) Based on what you’ve shared about your son regarding his strengths and challenges with focus/task completion, I’m not sure this kind of consequence will be effective or have any benefit. I think moving forward it’s important for school and home to closely observe specific behavior patterns, take in data, and together discuss interventions to put in place that help your son be successful. You may find some helpful ideas in Jenn’s post, 7 Systems that Work for Outside-the-Box Learners . Overall, the idea is to consider systems that work to your son’s strengths and help manage his struggles. I hope this helps.

Thanks so much Debbie. I’ll schedule an appointment with the teacher to get the ball rolling Take care!

My 7 year old (2nd grader) daughter’s teacher changed her grade from “needs improvement” to “not meeting expectations” insofar as focusing/completing task-assignments in timely manner and wants her to be evaluated. Although we’re 1st time parents, we’ve solicited feedback from 2 nieces (1st grade teacher and a child speech therapist) as well as from our daughter’s Home daycare provider who has known her for years, and no one feels she has any ADD or ADHD characteristics, that she’s as easily distractible as any 7 year old – and moreover, that she’s actually sorta nosey: even in a house full of kids doing all sorts of things/having conversations, etc, my daughter can tell you at any given moment exactly which kid took out which toy, and the details of all the conversations going on…like she tunes-in on everyone/everything. She’s always been like that, even as a toddler during “clean-up time” she’d toddle over to whichever kid with the toy THEY took out of the toybox for that kid to put the toy away that they took out – jokingly called her the toy-police! So, now that she’s in school and has been sorta enjoying “sprints” (self-exams, primarily math exams, where the kids time themselves to see how many math problems they can complete in 10 minutes), so in an effort to help her stay “focused” and complete her class tasks/assignments, I’ve told her she needs to think of every task/every assignment as a “sprint”…and believe it or not, THAT has seemed to help her, as-if it brings out the competitive edge in her, so for what it’s worth, I figured I’d share it. So, that’s one tip, and the other has been that we’ve employed a task/TO DO list that seems to help her “see” what she needs to accomplish… but consider, she’s only in 2nd grade, so “reading” a task list is challenging – and “time management” insofar as time needed to accomplish those tasks is still “nebulous” so off to the pediatrician we go. She’s already had the complete school assessment and they’ve ruled-out processing issues and determined that she’s “average” across the board, so I don’t know what’s left – other than to let her mature a bit more! I’m sure the teacher has concerns too, as we do, because our daughter’s biological parents both have developmental delays and mild mental retardation and some cognitive deficits, but from what all the evaluators have said at Early Intervention and those who evaluated her during the comprehensive school assessment, if she had any of those issues, they would have been evident by now…and they all agreed & assured us that we can stop worrying about those issues. Thank God! We’d appreciate any/all feedback! Regards, Anne Marie

Hi Anne Marie,

I work with Cult of Pedagogy and as a former 1st Grade teacher, I wanted to jump in here for a bit. Not knowing your daughter or having had the chance to observe her, it’s really hard to know what kinds of interventions might benefit her, but it sounds like you’ve got a strong support team and have already taken some important steps, including meeting with the pediatrician. If you haven’t already, I also suggest checking out Seth Perler ‘s site – you may find some relevant information and tips there. In the meantime, if your daughter is having difficulty “reading” a task list, consider using pictures instead. A timer might also help with time management. Observe any distractions that might get in the way and if possible, remove them. I hope this helps…maybe someone else will see this and jump in to share their insights as well.

Hi Jennifer,

Thank you so much for this article. I am a freshman at Syracuse University and I have always been the slowest student in class (largely due in part to my perfectionism), and while I don’t nitpick at my handwriting anymore (rarely to be quite honest), it has made my first semester hell. I am studying architecture and while it is a demanding major, 20 all nighters was not the norm, and I could have avoided 17 of those (probably not the 3 before the 3 exercise finals) if my mindset of producing the perfect model or drawing did not carry over from childhood. I really wish my teachers in elementary school could have used these strategies when I was younger so I could have built a lasting foundation of not giving into the urge of producing something “perfect.” Nearly all of my teachers in elementary school would tell me to write faster or tell my parents in parent teacher conferences or report cards that I had to work on my speed and not care about my penmanship as much. The only teacher that gave me good advice on speeding up was professor Rosa, my architecture professor with whom I took my architecture pre-college course with. He opened my eyes to the impact of architectural design and the impact that well designed spaces can have. He also gave me the saying “think, say, do” to “do” instead of “think” or “say” because if you spend your time thinking you just have your thoughts/ideas and nothing to show for it, and if you just say something you’re all talk. I don’t discredit thinking or saying, but having a physical model/drawing translates better to our professors who are visual and give us better critiques on what is in front of them.

I have recently started talking to a counselor, and I plan on using these strategies along with the Pomodoro technique she has suggested. I also plan on visiting all of my former teachers to catch up with them and introduce this article with them because students quite frankly will not take the initiative to take actions that would be beneficial for them in the future.

Thank you again for the article, Naomi

Hi, I would like to thank you for this wonderful advice, I’m a student having trouble with speed, but these methods don’t seem to work for me. Do you have any other suggestions?

Although this post does have a ton of suggestions, they certainly may not work for everyone. My first thought is to consider in what exact areas does that “speed” thing specifically seem to affect you; exactly how is it a problem and what might be getting in the way. Here’s another article you might want to check out: 7 Systems that Work for Out-of-the-Box Learners . See if anything there feels familiar; within the post is a link to Seth Perler’s site. Be sure to check that out as well — he’s got a lot of good stuff just for kids. The other thing I’d suggest, is to just make sure you continue to have communication with your teachers, family, counselor — the people who know you really well and see what kinds of suggestions they might have.

I’m so happy that you shared this information. It’s going to really help a student in my class.

No question, but I just wanted to say thanks for this article. My son has ADHD and a very low processing speed, despite scoring in the 95-99% in most other IQ rested other areas. 2e can be so hard for teachers (and teacher moms) to understand, and this article with the additional link to more 2e information is really helpful.

Thanks for letting us know you found this post to be helpful, Ashley! Might be a good one to share with teachers and admin!

I give a weekly syllabus chart to my 7th graders on Monday of the week, with columns for the name of the activity, the estimated time, the basic directions and where more specific info can be found, the places to find resources, and the due date – this is a Nancy Sulla strategy. One day with about 30 minutes left of class, there was a “disturbance” at one of the home groups. I went over to check and found Jack and Amanda trying to convince Megan (a very slow worker) that she HAD to make a plan for what she was going to accomplish in that 30 minutes. She kept insisting that there was “nothing on the syllabus that would only take me 30 minutes.” They patiently explained again and again that she could just start a longer task and put 30 minutes into it. As understanding finally dawned, she looked around the table and said “You mean I can just do a little part of something if I have some extra time, but I don’t have to do the whole thing? I swear, Ms. H., I did not know this!” We discussed this as a work strategy, and when she came in the next day, she reported that she had tried it while cleaning her room. “I wanted to clean my room, but I only had 15 minutes before my mom said we had to go, so I looked around and decided to just organize my stuffed animals! It worked!” I was never so proud! We try so hard to unpack things for kids, but sometimes we just don’t know exactly how much to unpack – you can be sure this strategy is now included in my lessons!

This article is awesome! Just what I needed, thank you!

Great to hear — thanks for letting us know!

I’m glad some teachers nowadays care enough to help kids try to get past hurdles that will totally destroy quality of life if not addressed early. I wish I had such help. I now face a bleak future cause I’m too slow in everything and disability is not enough to have a quality life.

Hi, My daughter is very smart girl, gate identified and is taking honor classes. She has always been a slow worker from the time she was in preschool. Now that she is in 8th grader I’m beginning to worry because she spends hours doing her homework. She claims she likes to take her time and do her work right, but I’m worried that she she’s up late working on homework that shouldn’t take her that long. She also takes long showers and moves at a slow pace in most of what she does. She also takes a long time getting ready for school or after school activities. I read the article and found a few strategies that I would like to try. But I was wondering if you can give me more specific advice on her. I find myself rushing her and frustrated when she doesn’t finish her work in a timely manner. Any suggestions?

Glad to hear there were a few ideas here that may be helpful. If you haven’t already, you may want to also check out 7 Systems That Work for Out-of-Box Learners . Also be sure to visit Seth Perler ‘s site. I’ve linked it here, but there’s also a link in the post.

Another article that I really like is Overwhelmed? Do Five Things . The suggestions here can be applied to anyone, whether school-related or not.

Other things to consider if you haven’t already: Scroll through the comments at the end of this post for possible ideas. Talk to your daughter’s teachers – are they seeing the same things you’re seeing at home? If so, ask if there are strategies they’ve implemented that they’ve found helpful or if they have suggestions you can try at home.

Hope this helps!

Thanks for the advice to validate the student’s concerns. My husband and I will be moving soon and need to find a K-8 public charter school for our daughter. Keeping your advice in mind should help our daughter make the transition to her new school.

Eileen, We are glad that you found the advice useful as you prepare for your daughter’s transition to a new school. Best of luck to you and your family!

I need help teacher I have a 7 years old.. He is very slow And the teqcher is always complaining about his work… I really dont k ow how to help him Any advice please 😌

Not knowing the interventions that have already been put in place, my first suggestion is to try out some of the strategies from the post . Perhaps request a meeting with the teacher, admin, and counselor – share the article with them and find out what strategies, if any, have been implemented. Sometimes just making a few adjustments to something that’s already been tried can be helpful. For other ideas, take a look at 7 Systems That Work for Out-of-Box Learners and be sure to click on the link to Seth Perler’s site. Hope this helps!

Love the ideas, I would like more ideas for slow students and students that need more attention.

Hi Samantha! We’d recommend checking out 7 Systems that Work for Outside-the-Box Learners and our Differentiation and Personalized Learning Pinterest board. I hope this helps!

Hello, my son is a slightly above average student more so in mathematics so flies through it. He is a fifth grader in a sixth grade class. For the last three years he has been put up in the next class with four other students. (this is a whole different concern of mine for next year!:)) However in English/ writing, he is a lot slower. No trouble spelling and yes as mentioned above (on the website) he is one of the ‘wants to get it perfect’ 🙂 However my concern is the amount of work being expected of the children to complete within the school working week. E.g. Spelling work (which inadvertently turns into homework as there is alot but no timeframe supplied for any of the tasks except it is expected to be completed by Friday after being handed it on the Monday). Hopefully I haven’t taken too much advantage of your time and expertise but would be nice to run it by someone from ‘outside’ the small town we live in. And yes I am going to set up a meeting with the teacher and perhaps the principal. I just wanted to get a professional opinion on this beforehand, as if this is standard then we just have to deal with it. So I have included the list of just the spelling tasks below for your feedback, if you are able to find the time… these are from last term;

1. List your 20 spelling words for the week 2. Put four of your spelling words into sentences (make them interesting and minimum two lines long). 3. Create three adjective pyramids using three of your words. 4. Write as many rhyming words for three of your spelling words as you can. 5. Write the dictionary meaning for three of your words, get someone to write the word that fits the meaning. 6. Create your own word find using all of your 20 spelling words. 7. Write eight of your spelling words in code, have someone attempt to crack your code. 8. Put all your words in alphabetical order. 9. Break each of your spelling words into syllables 10. Word Jumble- choose two different spelling words and try to form as many new words from them as you can, list them. 11. (Fast finisher) Write a narrative using some of your words.

The above is not homework, he already has homework but it always gets brought home as he does not get enough time in the classroom to complete it.

The next lot of spelling we received for this week is; 1. List your 20 words 2. Scramble five of your words, have a classmate unscramble 3. Draw a picture and hide your words in it, get a classmate to find them. Circle the words with a red pen. 4. Write the first five of your words and get someone else to match them to the base word e.g. cheerfully——–cheer 5. Write one letter on each line until you have written words 6-10?? 6. Write five of your words with a vowel, take away the vowel/s and get a classmate to put them back in. 7. Syllable Sort: your word have syllables in them so count how many you have (this is copied exactly as it is on the work sheet, doesn’t make sense to me??) 8. Squiggle Words: write your words three squiggly (again copied as is). 9. ‘Write’ five of your words with magazine cut outs 10. Write all of your words that are verbs and draw an example, then sort out the adjectives, then nouns etc.

Given all the assignments they have been given, on top of ordinary class and home work just for this term, I feel this is overload.

Apologies for such an exhaustive letter, look forward to your feedback and opinion.

Kindest Regards concerned Mother Yvette

I think I am understanding two concerns in your comment. One – that the amount of work kids are being asked to do at school is spilling into homework, and two – is all that work even necessary? Is it making an impact on (your child’s) learning? Your child may need a different amount or different type of spelling practice than another child. What if students were to take a pre-test to determine which words they need to practice most and then choose a few activities from the list to practice just those words?

I think what we’re really thinking through here is the quantity versus the quality of the work. Are students engaged in genuine learning experiences that will help the concepts stick, or are they merely being compliant? Are things starting to feel like busy work?

I’m a member of the Cult of Pedagogy team, and I am happy to share a few resources that might be of interest to you. Feel free to use them as a springboard for discussion when you meet with your child’s teacher, which by the way, is a great way to build that partnership in the best interest of your child! Here you go:

Homework: How Much is Too Much? Beyond the Weekly Word List How To Deal with Student Grammar Errors

I hope this helps. Maybe others will see this and jump in, as well!

Hi there. I’m a consultant, author, and CoP contributor who has studied and written (a lot!) about vocabulary learning. The kind of work you’re describing surely keeps kids busy, but it doesn’t seem to provide the kind of application-level practice that would get words to “stick” — both the spelling, and, more importantly, the meaning. I highly recommend this succinct book by Camille Blachowicz, for your own learning — or perhaps as a gift for the school! https://www.heinemann.com/products/e04920.aspx Also, please feel free to email me at [email protected] if you’d like to talk further.

Your email address will not be published.

The child does not want to study or to do their homework: what should parents do?

The school year is now starting again and with that, the Internet is blowing up with parents’ search engine inputs: “my child doesn’t want to study”, “how to make my child do their homework?”, “what to do if the child is bored with their studies?”. Every parent is willing to see a studious child in their son or daughter, the one who is running to school with joy and carefully doing their homework. However, what needs to be done if the child is now lacking the willingness to study? Is it worth forcing them or are there any alternative options? You will find the answers to these questions in this article.

Stop having an overly caring approach for your child and give their developing personality an opportunity for freedom. At the same time, do not worry about your child, always know where they are, which path they take to get somewhere and what is happening around them with the “Findmykids” app that can be downloaded from AppStore and GooglePlay .

Finding out the underlying reason

The correct approach of the parents.

The tips of a psychologist

8 effective ways to motivate for good study

Does the homework need to be done together with parents.

How to Deal With Out-Of-Control Teen Behaviors

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com

In order to find out why did the urge to acquire new knowledge at school disappears suddenly, the reason for such behavior needs to be found out. This may mean the following:

1. Lack of motivation

The child does not understand the importance and the need of the learning process. In the classroom, they are bored, they do not listen to the teacher, and they prefer to go about their business or chat with classmates.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Why don’t kids want to do homework? The answer is very simple. They are not interested in it.Unfortunately, the school allows only for little practical experience for life and success, together with having plenty of gadgets and “distractions”. Therefore, children at school often do not understand why . Why do they need it? How is it useful in life? It is important to talk with children and to provide answers to these questions. To show and explain things to them through the example of famous “young” people. To try to apply the knowledge gained at school, in life, together. Praise the child’s actions. For example, you can gather your child’s friends and arrange the quest “Why do we need mathematics?” The team that finds more practical examples, gets a pizza.

2. Issues in the relationship between the teacher and the student

⠀ Even one careless word from a teacher can offend a child and affect their attitude towards learning, not to mention obvious conflicts. This is especially true for anxious and vulnerable children.

3. Conflicts with classmates, teasing, bullying

⠀ It is important for parents to pay attention to all sudden changes in the behavior of their son or daughter and to be able to help their child in time if they become the victim of bullying .

4. The unfavorable situation within the family

When parents constantly quarrel, it is difficult for the child to concentrate on educational activities. Well, how can you solve a problem in physics when dad shouts that he will leave the family, and mom replies by saying that she wasted her life on a worthless person?

5. Excessive parental control

There are parents (these are mainly mothers) who are interested in controlling everything that happens within the family, including the school life of the child. This omnipresent control stretches out even to backpacks and birthday presents for classmates. What motivation can we be demanding from a child, if in those situations, mom always knows better, and mom decides on everything?

6. Low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence

It is difficult for such children to prove themselves at school. Raising a hand to answer a teacher’s question, calling a classmate and asking them about homework proves itself to be very problematic for them. If at the same time parents also have excessive expectations for the child and criticize them for the smallest mistakes, the son or daughter starts being anti-social and acts according to the principle of “choosing something with the smallest negative impact”. The child starts skipping lessons, stops doing homework and starts getting bad grades. Why bother if their efforts will still not be appreciated?

7. Excessive workload of the child after school

Swimming classes on Monday and Thursday, dance on Wednesday and Tuesday, art school on other days. Sounds familiar? Many parents strive to oversaturate the schedule of their child. As a result, the psyche turns on defense mechanisms, protecting their brain from the excessive effort. The child begins to be lazy and to postpone their homework until late at night.

8. Physiological reasons

Hyperactivity , weak self-control, somatic diseases – here is an incomplete list of what can also affect a child’s lack of desire to sit at a desk and to do their homework.

A combination of reasons

The next example is exactly about that.

As it can be seen, a child may have several reasons not to be willing to study. Most often, it is not one single reason, but rather a whole set, with which parents need to get familiar.

Dear mums and dads! If you would be actually forcing the child to study, it would be unlikely that something good will turn out from this. Anything that is done when being forced or under pain of punishment will not be beneficial. So let’s not force children to learn, but rather encourage them to do so. The competent stance of the parent will help them with this.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] It is surely possible to force the child to study. However, this will need to be done throughout the entire 9 to 11 years.When we force children, we assume our responsibility for them. On the other hand, we also really want the children to be independent and to do their homework. Therefore, should this be possible, we need to establish the rules for learning right from primary school. There is no need to do homework with a first grader – the parent’s function is to help them not to get distracted from this activity. If the student is older, the issue needs to be solved through motivation and encouragement.

Realistic perception of the situation

What do most parents do if their child doesn’t want to learn? That’s right, they turn to drastic measures, such as physical punishment. It is very likely that your parents did this, and that you also often do this.

Let’s leave the screaming, the abuse and the punishment out of the picture. They won’t do help in any way. “Horror stories” about becoming a janitor without the willingness to do study, will not be of any help either.

Parents need to understand that a child’s reluctance to learn always stems from a specific reason.

Learn how to react correctly to the child misbehaving in the article about the 10 ways to punish your child without screaming, hitting and humiliation .

In order for the child to start dealing with their problems in autonomy, it is important for them to hear the following from their parents:

“I believe in you”;
“Everything will work out”;
“We will sort out this problem together”;
“There are no unresolvable problems”.

Parents can do the following:

explain what has not been understood on their own;
hire a tutor;
talk to the teacher;
alter the position of the parent;
go to the neurologist together;
find a solution to problems at school collectively with your son or daughter.

Find out whether your child is being bullied at school and whether they are being treated well by their teachers, in order to solve the problem in a timely manner. Listen to the sounds around them and monitor their location in real-life conditions with the “Findmykids” app.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Sign an agreement with the child, an actual written one. Clearly outline what they are entitled to for “voluntary” completion of the lessons and what is the “punishment” for not completing a task. Incentive schemes work well with older children, for example, if the child was doing their homework all week, on the weekend the whole family goes where the child chooses to go. Stickers with “well done” on them, work great with younger students.

How to help your child?

The tips of a psychologist

From generation to generation, we have passed on an unwillingness to learn. Children start being scared of learning right from kindergarten: “When you go to school, the teacher will not take your tantrums into consideration, they will immediately give you a bad grade”, “if you behave badly, you will be taken to the headmaster’s office”. The child is prepared for the fact that it will be difficult, uninteresting, and painful to study, in advance.

Try to talk positively about the school and the teachers. The school is the foundation and base of the child’s entire future life.

When a child’s feelings are denied, they quickly lose interest in any activity, including studying. The child says, “This is a very difficult task. I will never complete it, and receives in response: “You are just very lazy, everything seems difficult for you”.

Let the children share their fears and concerns with you, even if they seem like they are blown out of proportion to you.
In a family, a child can find everything they need. Listen more and judge less, and then the children themselves will want to share their problems with you.

The desire to raise a genius out of a child with excellent grades in all subjects leads to nervous breakdowns and low self-esteem, because a son or daughter cannot always reach the standard set by their parents. The same applies to unfulfilled parental expectations, when, for instance, a mother dreamed of becoming a ballet dancer so much, that she decided that her daughter must make her dream come true.

The issue of all parents is to be comparing them with other children. “You see, Pete always gets straight As, and you only get Cs and Ds”, “you see, Lara has been doing the homework on her own for a while now, and you are still asking for my help”. The child starts silently hating Pete and other kids, thinking of themselves as the biggest loser.

If you are comparing the child with someone, compare them only with themselves: “You see, last year it was hard for you to learn the rules of multiplication, and this year it is super easy for you!”
Praise your children more often for their achievements, even for small ones.
Explain why it is so important to go to school and what it will give your child in the future.
Do not scold them for poor grades, the child is already upset with this. Try to figure out the reason for them in the first place.
Don’t “reimburse” good grades with gadgets, fashionable items or other purchases.
Talk to the child more often about their dreams and plans for the future.
It is important to teach the child the time management skills for their time after school, so that there is enough time for both rest and homework.
The stance that “grades are not important, however, the acquired knowledge is”, is a useful one for both parents and children.
Do homework with your child only if they ask for help.

Now let’s address the question that worries many parents. Should I help my child with homework? If you do not help, they will make a bunch of mistakes, or forget to learn the poem or will not even turn in the DIY airplane model for their arts & crafts project.

According to the “biggest-ever” study on parents and children carried out in 2018 by the Varkey Foundation on a sample of 27 000 people from 29 countries, suggests that overall, only 25% of parents spend on average 7 or more hours a week helping their children with homework. Moreover, nearly 30% of all parents feel that they need to help their children more and to be more responsive to their needs.

Here is what today’s mums and dads recall about their childhood:

1. “I always had problems with math at school. Well, I did not understand all these sin and cos, integrals and functions! In the 6th grade, my father took over my education. And since he was not a very good teacher, he explained all the topics to me in a raised voice, got angry when I did not understand something. As a result, we quarreled, he called me stupid and said that nothing good would turn out from me. Maybe some mathematical knowledge remained in my head, but my relationship with my father got fully ruined”.

2. “My mother took the matter of my homework into her own hands from my first grade. We sat down with her and did it for hours until she was happy with the result. Sometimes my mother was annoyed that I was doing it very slowly, and she did some of the tasks instead of me. When she was not at home, I never did the homework myself. What for? She wouldn’t be happy about something in it anyway, and I’ll have to redo it”.

As we can see, the parental attempts to control the process of performing the tasks may not always be beneficial for the child.

What is recommended by professionals:

in the first grade, parents need to do their homework with their child, but only in order to organize the whole process. Teach your son or daughter some easy tricks, for example, starting off with doing written tasks followed by oral tasks, that a complex math problem is to be firstly done on a draft and that a test or an exam requires some preparation in advance;
allocate a special time for homework with your child, for example, from 5 pm to 7 pm. Help them organize their workplace and space, ensure they have good lighting;
do not refuse to help if the child asks you for it. However, don’t try to do it instead of them, but rather do it together with them;
homework is the workload of a child, and only they should be responsible for it, not mom or dad, as they have completed all of their homework a long time ago.

Dear parents, remember: your goal is not to force the son or the daughter to study, but to create such an atmosphere within the family where the child would have an opportunity to share any of their problems, where they are recognized and appreciated not through their grades and where they will be able to acquire the knowledge for their future adult life.

Every parent wants to see their child happy and successful in their life. However, are…

Since the founding of their first school, the Waldorf teaching method has won over a…

Many children wait for the Day of Knowledge with excitement and anxiety. This is especially…

Subscribe now!

Glad you've joined us🎉🎉.

Introducing TeachCatalystAI

TeachCatalystAI is a professional teaching assistant tool designed to help teachers create lesson plan, teaching materials, and many more with ease. Our AI-powered tool will help you streamline your classroom management, making it easier to keep track of students, assignments, and behavior. Our AI-powered tools and templates are great and configured to make you effective in teaching.

How To Handle A Student Who Doesn’t Do Homework?

Affiliate Disclaimer

As an affiliate, we may earn a commission from qualifying purchases. We get commissions for purchases made through links on this website from Amazon and other third parties.

If you’ve been teaching for any length of time, you know that there are students who don’t do their homework.

This is not always a sign of laziness, apathy, or lack of interest in the subject matter. It may just be that they didn’t understand the assignment and/or were too busy to complete it.

Regardless of the reason, these students will need some extra attention and guidance if you want them to succeed academically.

A personal touch is usually the best approach. In other words, don’t hesitate to talk to your students face-to-face about their homework problems. They will appreciate your interest and show a willingness to improve because you care enough about them as an individual to find a solution.

If these students want to improve their grades, your guidance will simplify the learning process and help them experience the satisfaction of doing well in school.

I hope this article helps you manage your students who don’t do homework!

Why Some Students Don’t Do Their Homework?

This is a question often asked by young and veteran teachers alike. The following list contains common reasons why students don’t complete their homework, as well as ideas on how to make sure that such situations never occur in your classroom.

1) What’s the Point?

Sometimes, students simply don’t see a point in doing their homework. This may be because the subject is boring, or monotonous – or it could be because it’s impossible to comprehend. Ensuring that students have a solid understanding of the material before moving on to the next topic will help eliminate this issue. In addition, if you find yourself instructing something that lacks value, it may be time to rethink your approach.

2) Too Many Homework Assignments

This is often the most common issue students face. Teachers who fail to recognize that their students are carrying too much of a workload can create unbearable conditions that lead to laziness and failure. If you’re finding yourself sending home a large amount of work every night, you should strongly consider revising your approach. It’s much better to focus on a small number of assignments and ensure they’re completed correctly, rather than overwhelming students with too many tasks.

3) Lack of Self-Motivation

Many students don’t do their homework because they lack motivation and self-discipline. In situations such as these, it’s important to remember that you can’t force a student to complete their work – but there are ways for you to motivate them. The key is making the endeavor rewarding and worth their time – this could be through rewards or points systems.

4) Intellectual Disability

How to Handle a Student Who Sleeps in Class

Sometimes students don’t do their homework because they’re struggling to keep up. This can be due to a variety of reasons (e.g., medical conditions, learning disabilities, etc.) If you suspect that your students are facing issues like these, you must take immediate action at the appropriate time.

5) Lack of Parental Involvement

Sometimes, parents fail to support their child’s education. This lack of involvement can significantly affect the student, who may then find it difficult to complete homework tasks without parental guidance. You should give students enough space to do their work, but you should also be supportive in helping them when they need help.

6) Poor Planning

Students can underestimate the amount of time it will take to complete their homework. When this happens, they might put off starting work until the last minute – or simply give up altogether. You should always keep an eye on how much time has passed since your students were given their task, so you can notify them if it’s becoming overdue. In addition, you should encourage your students to start work early, so they have sufficient time to complete it.

7) Illness

When students become ill, they may struggle to control their behavior and focus on homework. If your class falls victim to a bug, you should allow individuals to take the necessary time off without anxiety or pressure. The same goes for injuries – any situations where students are bedridden should be handled with appropriate care.

8) Bad Timing

Sometimes, students don’t do their homework due to bad timing. This could be because they’ve only just returned home from school and haven’t had enough time to rest. It’s important that you give your students ample time to unwind before starting any work, so they can retain their focus.

9) Distractions at Home

Modern homes contain a multitude of distractions that can affect the way students work. In addition to these, students may also have distracted siblings or relatives – making it hard for them to concentrate on tasks given by the teacher. You should always provide plenty of space and seclusion when working on academic tasks.

10) The Task is Too Challenging

It’s possible that students are attempting to complete assignments that are just too difficult for them. If this happens, you should consider revising the difficulty of your work until all of your students feel comfortable completing it.

11) Poorly Organized

Similar to planning issues, poorly organized students can struggle when it comes to completing their homework. You should work closely with your students to ensure they have the best tools for completing assignments.

Ways to Deal With Students Who Don't Care about Anything

12) Disinterest

There are some students who just aren’t interested in what you’re teaching them. This could mean that they refuse to complete their work or it may prevent them from retaining information. You should try and engage all of your students in your lessons so they remain interested and invested.

In conclusion, there are several reasons why some students don’t do their homework. The main causes include a lack of planning, ill health, and excessive or poorly organized tasks. You should always monitor your classes to make sure they’re completing work effectively and without difficulty.

How Should Handle Students Who Don’t Do Their Homework?

For a new teacher, handling a student who doesn’t do their homework can be a difficult task. It could throw off the rest of your lesson plans that you have been working on all day or week. You have to find a way to deal with it without showing favoritism and giving out punishments for those who don’t complete their work.

This can be a very delicate situation especially if several children don’t complete their homework.

1. Let them know the importance of doing their work

One of the first steps to take when a student does not complete their work is letting them know the importance of doing so. You can tell students that it is important to do their work, so they will be prepared for the next school day.

2. Give them a warning

Giving out a simple warning would be an ideal approach when handling students who have not completed their work. This means letting them know of any consequences or possible punishments that can be given if they do not complete their homework.

3. Let them know what your role is as a teacher

Another very effective way to deal with students who don’t do their work is by informing them of what the teacher’s role is in the classroom. By explaining this, you are letting them know that you are not responsible for their education. You are there to help them when needed and direct them in the right direction.

4. Give students who don’t do their work another opportunity

After letting students know what consequences they will face if they don’t complete their work, you can give them an opportunity to turn it in the next day or the following class period. This is a very effective way of dealing with students who did not complete their homework because it lets them have another chance to do so.

5. Give consequences for students who don’t complete their work

The most common consequence that you can give out when a student does not do their schoolwork is giving them detention or some other form of punishment. This can be a difficult thing to do because you have to find a way of disciplining students without jeopardizing your relationship with students or other teachers.

6. Have the parent call the student’s teacher

13 Tips For Managing Classroom Transitions

If a student does not turn in homework more than two times and they continue to not complete their work for several weeks, you can give the student’s parent a call. This can be an effective way of notifying parents about their child’s lack of schoolwork and lack of studying at home.

7. Talk to the student after class or during lunch

If you feel as if it is appropriate, you can talk to the student outside of the classroom setting, during lunch, or after school. This is an approach you can take when dealing with students who continuously do not complete their homework. By talking to them outside of the classroom, it makes it easier to handle situations that may arise during class periods.

8. Give student work to another classmate

Another successful way of handling students who don’t do their work is to give them school work that is given to other students. For example, you can give out extra credit questions or assignments that are completed by other students if they do not complete their work.

9. Make an announcement about the homework policy

Announcing what your classroom’s policy for homework is can be helpful because it lets everyone know what to expect for the upcoming weeks or months. You can also use this chance to remind students of your classroom rules and procedures.

10. Make sure homework is not repeatedly an issue

Make sure that you are aware of how often homework becomes an issue in your classroom. If it happens all the time, then there may be something wrong with how you are handing out homework. It may be a good idea to have students complete homework during the first week of school so you can see if there becomes an issue or not.

Final Thought

It can be frustrating when students don’t do their homework. There are a variety of approaches for handling this issue, but the most important thing is to identify what will work best with your personality and teaching style. In this blog post, we’ve provided ten different ways you can address students who consistently turn in incomplete schoolwork or neglect it altogether. Don’t forget that it may take some time before you find out which approach works best for both you and your students! Check out more articles here.

Image by mathgun from Pixabay

About the author

Latest Posts

13 Techniques for Fostering a Sense of Community in Class

Uncover effective strategies to cultivate a strong sense of community in your classroom, fostering collaboration and inclusivity among students.

How Teacher's Tone of Voice Shapes the Classroom

Ponder how a teacher's tone impacts student engagement, behavior, and learning experience, setting the tone for a successful classroom dynamic.

How to Warn Students Effectively in Your Classroom

Uncover the strategic tactics for effectively warning students in your classroom and fostering a positive learning environment with proven methods.

Newsletters
Account Activating this button will toggle the display of additional content Account Sign out

Slacker or Genius?

My daughter can get good grades without doing her homework. should i make her do it anyway.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. In addition to our traditional advice, every Thursday we feature an assortment of teachers from across the country answering your education questions. Have a question for our teachers? Email [email protected] or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group .

This week’s Ask a Teacher panel:

Amy Scott , eighth grade, North Carolina Katie Holbrook , high school, Texas Carrie Bauer , middle and high school, New York Matthew Dicks , fifth grade, Connecticut

My daughter is in middle school, and her school’s policy is that homework only counts for 5 percent of a student’s final grade. Since my daughter can maintain A’s and B’s without that 5 percent, she doesn’t ever do her homework. I feel that she is being disrespectful to her teachers by not doing it. I think teachers work hard to plan the lessons. My daughter says if it is important to the teacher, then they’ll assign it as classwork (worth 30 percent), and then she will do it.

Part of me wants to ground her, and part of me says she is in middle school and this is not my place. It would be nice if there were natural consequences, but there aren’t any. Her getting a final grade of 92 vs 97 doesn’t matter, since it’s still an A. I know I would be very frustrated if I was a teacher and my students refused to do any homework I assigned. Sometimes respect for people is more important than good grades. What do you think. Should I just back off?

—Don’t Want to Offend the Teacher

Dear DWtOtT,

A lot of schools are moving toward a policy of reducing the amount and grade weight of homework, and that’s for three reasons. First, teachers generally assign homework to reinforce concepts, raise achievement levels, and promote responsibility, among other things, but there’s conflicting research as to whether it achieves these goals. Second, homework often precludes extracurricular activities, sleep, socializing, and getting bored, all of which contribute to students becoming healthy, well-rounded people. Last, and most importantly, homework creates inequity in grading because students have different levels of support at home. In my second year of teaching, I was tsk-ing a student who usually had his homework done but that day didn’t. He explained that he couldn’t because his family’s power had been turned off, and they had no lights. That was a learning experience for me.

A week ago, I would’ve told you to sit your daughter down and have a conversation about responsibility and integrity. I would’ve said to include the following:

• Part of growing up is learning to do things we don’t want to do, either because it’s required or because not doing it will create a bigger problem in the long run.

• How does she want to know herself—as someone who cuts corners or someone who goes above and beyond?

But … then I read this op-ed in the New York Times about how girls tend to put much more effort into school than boys and worry a lot more about it, and how these traits don’t translate to success in the workplace. I’ve seen this scenario play out so many times in my classroom—boys doing the bare minimum, and girls fretting over every point. I’d never looked at “skating by” as a strength, but of course it is . There are times when “leaving it all on the field” is appropriate, but why exhaust ourselves for minimal marginal gains in situations when it’s not really that important?

So now, instead, I’ll say this: It’s pretty clever of your daughter to figure out that she doesn’t actually need the homework in order to maintain her average, and if she feels OK about it, let her manage that herself.

The only thing she may want to consider is that students often need teacher recommendations to participate in activities and opportunities. Mention that her teachers may say, “She’s smart, but she doesn’t work that hard.” If she doesn’t like the sound of that, she should ask herself what she wants them to say about her, and act accordingly.

Get Care and Feeding in Your Inbox

Introducing Slate’s Parenting newsletter, featuring the best of Care and Feeding, Mom and Dad Are Fighting, and Slate’s family coverage.

Thanks for signing up! You can manage your newsletter subscriptions at any time.

My husband and I live across the country from his 5-year old daughter from a previous marriage. He and his ex-wife have joint legal custody, and my husband has physical custody for all major breaks. Even though we don’t live nearby, we are as involved as possible in her life. This is made more difficult, however, by the fact that my husband has a very high-conflict ex-wife who tries to shut him out as much as possible from major events in his daughter’s life. His ex-wife and I have zero relationship as she actively shows her disdain for me.

My stepdaughter enters kindergarten in the fall, and we’re hoping you can offer us some advice on how to navigate schools and teachers from so far away. Next year, we would like to be involved in parent-teacher conferences and general updates from her teacher, but we don’t want to overstep or make it awkward. When my stepdaughter attended day care, my husband tried to have a biweekly or monthly chat with her teacher, and he remarked that the teacher seemed “cool” to him. He didn’t know if his ex-wife had said something to her about him or if that was the teacher’s nature. He’d like to do what he can to ensure that next year he has open communication with her teacher, and that he receives updates on her progress and is kept in the loop about any concerns in her first year at school.

How does he broach this awkward topic with the teacher? Should he be upfront that he and his ex-wife do not have a good relationship and that while he doesn’t want to put the teacher in the middle, he would like separate communication from them regarding his daughter? How do teachers deal with parents who aren’t together? We are all for any do’s and don’ts as to how to make sure the focus stays on my stepdaughter, and that the custody/divorce situation doesn’t become a burden or distraction for her teachers.

—Concerned Stepmom

Dear Concerned Stepmom,

Divorced parents are very common, so your stepdaughter’s teacher is bound to have experience with your situation. Although you and your husband live in another state, he should still receive all school-issued communication—especially since much of this is online anyway. Not all school districts work the same, but typically when parents register a child for school, they provide both parents’ contact information. He can indicate that he needs newsletters or other communications to be mailed (or emailed) to both addresses. Most schools have websites where families can stay abreast of school news and events, and some are even active on social media. Your husband can probably even join the PTA and get the newsletter.

I’m emphasizing that your husband do these things, since one of your goals is to avoid drama with his ex. I’m sure that you are an important person in your stepdaughter’s life, but if the mother is in fact a “high-conflict” woman who “actively disdains” you, reaching out to the school yourself may only sow the seeds for more conflict.

A biweekly chat might be a bit much for a busy teacher to handle, honestly, but of course your husband should be included in updates on his daughter’s progress. I recommend he email the teacher to explain his geographical location and desire to be involved, but I would not mention anything about conflict with the mother. He should ask the teacher how she communicates with families and request to be included. Some teachers send out newsletters or use classroom apps, for example. For parent-teacher conferences, if he is unable to attend in person, perhaps they can schedule a phone conference, or maybe he could Skype in. These are reasonable requests of the teacher and avoid the ex-wife’s gatekeeping.

I have taught students who are caught in the middle of a contentious divorce. It’s no fun for anyone, especially the children. Your husband can’t control his ex-wife’s behavior, but he can control his own. Keeping all communication professional in tone and centered on his daughter should help your husband build a positive rapport with the teacher and hopefully relieve some residual stress that is bound to impact his daughter.

It might be difficult for you to take a step back on this, but that’s what I recommend you do. You can support your husband behind the scenes and hear all about school from your stepdaughter during her breaks.

Best of luck!

—Ms. Holbrook

My son is a bright third-grader who generally enjoys school. He was very apprehensive about entering third grade and fretted about it for most of the summer because he had been told by other children that he was in the “mean teacher’s class.” We talked about it several times and discussed that some teachers are stricter than others, but that it doesn’t make them mean, and he should really assess for himself how he gets along with “Mr. Jones.”

We have noticed during the year that Mr. Jones is, in fact, stricter than other teachers and quick to temper, but I have no reason to believe that he is intentionally mean or cruel to the students. My son and I have had some conversations about dealing with different personalities, and I consider this a life lesson—you won’t love every teacher.

My concern is that in conversations with the teacher, and on progress reports, Mr. Jones consistently asks that my son participate more in class because he is bright and would help others with his interactions. I’ve talked about this with my son, and while he will raise his hand occasionally, he has taken on a “keep my head down and don’t get in trouble” kind of mentality. He doesn’t like to be reprimanded, and because he is intimidated by this teacher, he doesn’t want to participate and risk drawing more attention to himself.

I feel a little stuck. I want my son to learn how to deal with difficult situations on his own, and while I have encouraged him to participate more, part of me also wants to say something to Mr. Jones. I don’t like that my son is reluctant to participate because he is concerned that it will end in a reprimand. We’re many months into the year, so this can’t just be what kids have told him from last summer… he’s experiencing something in the classroom that makes him feel it would be better to stay silent.

Do I let it go? Do I have a conversation with Mr. Jones and explain my concern? Do teachers care or even want to know that students believe they are the mean ones?

—Not Sure I Should Tattle

Dear NSIST,

It’s hard to get a grasp on Mr. Jones and his approach to classroom management, filtered as he is through your third-grader to you to me. You describe him as stricter than others and “quick to temper,” but at the same time, you don’t believe he’s intentionally mean. You consider your son’s experience in his class a life lesson, yet you don’t like the way this experience is affecting him. Mr. Jones says he’s eager for your son to participate, yet your son is afraid that complying with the teacher’s explicit request will ultimately earn him a reprimand. From what you’ve said, I’m envisioning the type of teacher that others tend to call “old-school” or “gruff,” the type who “runs a tight ship” and “doesn’t tolerate nonsense.” Not abusive, not a tyrant; a competent teacher, but no nurturing teddy bear, either.

To answer one of your questions: Yes, teachers generally do care about how they’re perceived by students, but you’d be hard-pressed to land on a universal agreement of what exactly constitutes a “mean teacher” even among teachers, let alone between teachers and kids. This teacher, if I’m imagining him correctly, probably would not put much stock in that feedback, anyway.

From what you’ve said, it sounds as if your son has already landed on a reasonable coping strategy for this issue. You’re right that it’s not possible for a student to love or even be compatible with every teacher they’ll be paired with in an educational career, and while Mr. Jones is encouraging your son to participate more, your son isn’t actually obligated to do so. Frequently volunteering answers aloud in class is a nice-to-have in student behavior; it’s not a base requirement. If the end result is that your son isn’t a vocal contributor in this classroom because he prefers to minimize his interactions with a teacher he doesn’t much like, and he’s learning and mastering material and continues to generally enjoy school, keeping his head down and flying under the radar sounds like a perfectly workable option for his tenure in Mr. Jones’ classroom.

If this continues to bother you, however, or if Mr. Jones asks again for your son to increase his participation, I think you certainly could reach out and explain that your son has had a hard time adjusting to Mr. Jones’ style of classroom management and that you’re eager to encourage him to volunteer more, but that you’d like to discuss how to make him feel more comfortable and confident in doing so. I also think you could let it go without guilt. From what you’ve said, it sounds like this isn’t a great fit, but that there’s nothing really wrong , and your son has found a strategy that works. Good luck!

What is your opinion of an arts education? My son has attended a private school for the past year that we selected for its small class size. He generally seems to like the school.

The school advertises itself as focusing on “traditional education.” What I’ve come to realize is that they mean an education in the arts. All students do music and a foreign language—serious instrument instruction starts around the third grade. My son comes home with a lot of drawings and first-grade attempts at creative writing. The school puts on two large-scale performances per year, one of which has several public performances.

However, they seem to be slightly light on the sciences. His classroom has two computers, and I don’t get the impression they’re used very often. The math education seems fine, though, and follows a well-known homeschool curriculum.

At a time when it seems like a lot of the country is focusing on STEM, should I be concerned that my son is attending what seems to be an arts academy? We do regular science projects at home, so maybe it will even out, but I’d appreciate an outside opinion.

Arts Education?

Dear Arts Education,

As a teacher who has built a stage in his classroom—complete with lights, curtains, and a sound system—and teaches Shakespeare to his fifth-graders all year long, I might be a little biased when it comes to assessing arts education.

What I can say is this: A strong background in arts education will produce students who are outstanding readers, writers, and thinkers. The arts promote empathy, cooperation, and understanding, and the skills he learns in the arts are transferrable across all subjects. There are enormous benefits to an education steeped in the arts.

That said, math is also critical to a student’s success and should be a priority in every classroom, but it sounds as if there is good curriculum in place for your son to learn. It doesn’t sound like a concern.

When it comes to science and technology, yes, your child’s schoolday may be lacking these components to a certain degree, but your child is in first grade. It’s early. It’s more important for your child to become interested and enthusiastic about science and technology than it is for him to learn about these subjects with any specificity. Ideally some science is taking place in the classroom, but if it’s playing second fiddle to the arts, that’s fine right now. The greatest challenge that a teacher faces is the crunch of time. Every year new material is added to the curriculum, and rarely is anything taken away.

When I was a child, for example, personal computers did not exist, internet safety and evaluating the reliability of sources wasn’t something that needed to be constantly addressed. There were 40 fewer years to study in history class. About 25 fewer countries.

As a result, teachers prioritize, and if your child’s school prioritizes the arts over science, I think it’s fine. By the time your son is in middle school, he’ll be receiving science instruction every day. So continue the projects at home. Take him to museums. Fill your home with nonfiction. Foster a love of science.

The actual learning can come later.

When Your Homeschooler Refuses to Do Any Work: Exactly What To Do!

Do you have a homeschooler who refuses to do their work?

Are your school days laced with frustration, pleading, anger, and tantrums – from both parent and child?

Is your kid slipping further and further beneath their potential because of their stubbornness?

Are you at your wit’s end?

Let me tell you, you are not alone!

I have had my own struggles with my 3 girls, and I have received emails from some pretty broken, frustrated homeschool moms too.

I have written a couple of posts on how to motivate a homeschooler and whether bribing is every appropriate in homeschooling ….but I don’t think I’ve ever addressed the issue of what to do with a supremely stubborn child.

The homeschooler who won’t do school work no matter what “reward” is waiting for them.

If you are in a daily battle of the wills with your homeschooler, you are in the right place.

Get some coffee, and I’m going to show you how you can and will regain control of your homeschool and raise a child who loves learning!

How to Deal With A Homeschool Kid Who Refuses To Do Any Work

Is your homeschooler refusing to do school work? Are you in a battle of the wills every day and thinking about quitting? You CAN stop fighting and still win the battle! Click to explore the reasons your homeschooler won't do work and exactly what to do to change your child's attitude.

1. Really Stop and Think. Dig Deep.

I don’t believe there is a “ one size fits all ” reason for why a kid continually and stubbornly refuses their homeschool work.

For that reason, you really need to sit down and think about what is truly causing the friction you are experiencing every day.

If you identify and correct these issues, it could make a world of difference in your homeschool!

To get your mind rolling, think through each of the below points and see if they apply to your homeschooler:

– Are you an angry homeschool mom?

No judgment over here. I have been there!

How would you feel if a teacher in a classroom treated your child the way that you do?

If you felt a pang of conviction there, please read my post on How to Stop Being an Angry Homeschool Mom .

It gives practical tips that I have learned over the year to stop being impatient and angry with the 3 kids I love the most in the world.

– Is the curriculum you’re using appropriate?

I am not one to say that you should run out and buy new curriculum every time your kid gets grumpy about school. But if your child is continually fighting you day after day, it may be worth it to try a different curriculum.

I had one kid that went from slugging through math every day with a sour face to exclaiming, “Thank you, mommy! Thank you, mommy, for being this curriculum! I’m good at math!”

All I did was switch out the curriculum and it made a shocking change in my child and our homeschool.

If you think this is the boat you’re in, read When to Switch Up the Curriculum .

– Is your child frustrated with new material?

Many kids fly through the early years of school and everything just clicks for them. People always remark about how smart they are.

Your kid may come to feel that they are just naturally gifted with all things school.

Inevitably though, these kids will hit material that is a challenge for them – it doesn’t come easily.

This may anger, frustrate, and scare your child. Instead of facing the challenge head-on, your homeschooler refuses to do it at all, so they won’t be seen as a failure.

“Everyone says I’m smart. I don’t get this stuff though! Am I not smart anymore??”

I have had more than one kid like this.

Here is how I handle it:

Pull the kid up into your lap, look them in the eye, and say with soft eyes, “We have a long stretch of years ahead of us where I will be teaching you. There will be lots of new material like this. You don’t know everything. If you did, you would be living in your own house, with your own job, and your own money. Did you know that school was hard for me too? I had to work really hard to learn {fill in the blank}. It was tough for me! I know this material is a challenge for you and you don’t like that, but let me tell you the truth about really smart people – they work hard . Smart people dig in and keep going even when it’s tough. Smart people don’t quit. You are a hard worker too, so I know you can do this if you set your mind to it.”

From this point on, praise your child for how hard they work, not for how smart they are.

– Is your child under social stress? Dealing with depression?

Some homeschoolers may be refusing their schoolwork because they are rejecting the concept of homeschooling.

They feel isolated. Yes, socialization does matter !

Is your kid able to get out and see their friends on a regular basis? Does your child have solid friends?

What can you do to meet those very real needs?

Check out my post – The Secret Strategy for Helping your Homeschooler Make Friends – to help your kid out.

More and more kids are also dealing with depression for many different reasons that have nothing to do with school.

If you think this could be an issue, there would be no harm in a doctor’s visit or seeing a counselor to help your child address the issue.

– Are you pushing too hard?

This was 100% me in my first year of homeschooling. My type-A personality wanted my homeschool to be a huge success, so I pushed that onto my little 1st grader.

I would tell her that she didn’t really need those manipulatives to do her math problem – couldn’t she just remember the answer?

The truth was, I was asking her to do things that were beyond her grade and development level – no wonder she wasn’t loving school!

I had to check myself, do some research, and make sure that my expectations matched what was appropriate for her.

Are your expectations too high?

Are your school days way too long?

Do you push your kid because you want to validate yourself and your decision to homeschool?

– Are you having fun?

School, especially homeschool, should be fun. If you’re not having fun, why is that?

What can you change about your homeschool to make it more engaging and interesting for your kid?

Sometimes it is as simple as changing what you write on – check out that homeschool hack here .

Maybe you need a new read-aloud book.

Make more time for art projects, science experiments, music, and P.E.

Find exciting Youtube videos that match up with your lesson.

Be flexible, and incorporate the things your child is interested in into your lessons.

I once threw out a month of science lessons so we could dive into a study of Megalodon, which was something my kid was obsessed with at the time.

She was so excited for school to start every morning!

Take some time and go through these questions and really take an inventory of what is going on in your homeschool. If you still think your kid is just plain stubborn, then read on.

2. Lift Your Kid’s Eyes to the Future

Homeschool kid thinking about his future and why he should stop refusing to do schoolwork

Sometimes kids need a little extra motivation than your typical sticker chart rewards system. Sit down with them and talk about their future (not in a scary way, but in an excited, adventure sort of way).

What do they want to be? What are they passionate about? What do they want to do with their lives? Where do they want to go to college?

My oldest daughter (7 or 8 years old at the time) flat out refused to do math at one point. I took the time to gently show her that just about any job (and many basic life skills) requires an understanding of math. This is true of all core curriculum too!

We went online and looked up some good colleges that had programs she was interested in. We watched videos for prospective students and even looked at some of the college housing pages.

It all looked really cool and my daughter was very interested!

I told her that there is an end goal to school. There is a reason for what we do day in and day out – and that is to open every possible door for her. I want her to have her pick of colleges when the time comes. I want her to be prepared and to excel .

I want her to soar when she leaves my house and be anything she wants to be.

But for that to happen, she has to apply herself in school. Kids that don’t do well in school, don’t have as many options and opportunities as kids who did apply themselves.

No matter the age your kid is, it doesn’t hurt to lovingly lift their child’s eyes to look at the long-term goal.

Make sure they know that all your efforts come from a desire to see them succeed in life!

3. Introduce a Bookend Reward System

Bookends to motivate a homeschooler who won't do schoolwork

After discussing the future and the importance of school with your resistant homeschooler, introduce a Bookend Reward System.

That means that when they finish school in a reasonable amount of time, with a good attitude – there will be a reward.

Now this reward must be something that you don’t mind giving out and they really want . It could be increased screentime, a sticker chart that helps them earn something bigger, a later bedtime, special treat, etc.

If your child fails to meet that standard (due to a bad attitude, not because they were actually struggling with the material) there will be a consequence.

The consequence should be something they really don’t want and you don’t mind doing. It could be a loss of screen time, taking away a favorite toy, putting their tablet in timeout for 24 hours, etc.

If you’re not sure what your consequence should be, think about the thing your kid would always rather do than schoolwork. Then take that thing away as the consequence.

It’s important to communicate this “bookend” system with great love and concern . You are not angry – you love your homeschooler and you want to help motivate them to reach their true potential.

Every day they have a chance to either earn something positive…or experience an immediate negative consequence.

You are no longer in a daily power struggle over schoolwork.

They pick every day what they want to experience.

They are in the driver’s seat.

4. Consistency is the Name of the Game

Homeschool parent must be consistent with kid who refuses schoolwork

It is one thing to introduce the Bookend Reward system to your homeschooler who resues to do their work…and it is any entirely different thing to actually follow through with it.

This system will absolutely fail if you do not convince your child that you are serious.

You must always follow through with what you said you would do.

Whenever you have to administer consequences, be firm, but kind .

Tell them you are so sorry they made this choice and you were really hoping they would choose differently.

Do not give second chances . That sounds harsh, but they need to learn what the standard is – and that is school completed on time with a good attitude.

There is no room for tantrums, ugly words, or refusing to be work. You will no longer beg them to do their work.

When they choose the positive path – go nuts! Celebrate them to the point that they roll their eyes and say you’re embarrassing them!

Delight in the reward they receive and make a big deal about it at the dinner table.

*****If you think your kid really struggles with connecting their actions to how the day plays out, I highly recommend getting the book “ What Should Danny Do? ” and “ What Should Darla Do? ”

These are fantastic “choose your own adventure” books that allow your kid to actually choose what decisions Danny and Darla make throughout the day. They get to see how the day changes based on the decisions they make!

My own kids have benefited so much from these books and now respect their own “Power to Choose.”

But What if This Doesn’t Work and My Homeschool Still Won’t Do Their Work?

If you find that your kid still doesn’t care about the reward you’re offering and the consequence for not meeting the standard…I would tell you revisit the questions in the first point of this post and rethink what the reward and consequence are.

Whatever you have picked is not getting the job done.

Do not be afraid to sit down and ask your child what would motivate them. You might be surprised what they will tell you their consequence should be!

Find the right pressure points and stay consistent with a loving and firm hand.

How to Prevent Raising a Homeschooler Who Won’t Do Schoolwork

Did you read this article out of fear, not because you are actually experiencing a homeschool kid who refuses schoolwork?

Do you want to be prepared for what the future might hold?

If this is you, then I want to give you some points to avoid getting in the situations this article talks about.

Your homeschooler may love school right now. They may relish every read-aloud book, worksheet, and project…but that attitude will likely not last.

Mountains and valleys are extremely normal in education.

You just need to be ready.

I would strongly recommend following these steps to prevent raising a homeschooler who won’t do school work:

1. Make “fun” a central value of your homeschool. Don’t skip the cool things because you think you don’t have time. Your kids should be excited to find out what they’ll be learning tomorrow!

2. use a reward system for schoolwork even if you don’t “need” one right now. it will help on days that your kid is a little sluggish – don’t we all have those days, 3. when and if your kid gives you an inappropriate attitude about school work, nip it in the bud quickly. make it clear that such behavior will not be tolerated. do not yell or get angry, just state that your job is to teach – not to beg them to do school. i have even sent my kids to their rooms and told them they have lost the privilege of doing school – which also means they lost their reward for the day., recap when your homeschooler refuses to do homeschool work.

You can absolutely change the path your homeschool is on – I have no doubt.

Remember to address those initial questions about your homeschool with brutal honesty, talk to your kid about what their future holds, introduce the Bookend Rewards System , and follow through with it!

You can do this!

And your children will be so blessed by your efforts, Homeschool Mama.

Hi There, Homeschool Mama!

Join thousands of homeschool parents who get weekly encouragement, support, laughs, and tips straight to their inbox from The Simple Homeschooler!

Loading…

You Did It!

You have successfully joined our subscriber list ( unsubscribe at any time ) and your free printable is on the way to your inbox! If you don’t see it soon, be sure to check your SPAM and other folders.

Welcome to The Simple Homeschooler Community!

Want to tuck this post away for later?

Be sure to pin it to your favorite Pinterest board and share with your homeschooling friends and followers!

Looking for tips to be more consistent with your homeschooling? You are in the right place! I am excited to share with you all my best tips for staying motivated, energized, and consistent with homeschooling my own 3 kids.

Celebrating 25 Years

Join ADDitude
|

What Is ADHD?
The ADHD Brain
ADHD Symptoms
ADHD in Children
ADHD in Adults
ADHD in Women
Find ADHD Specialists
New! Symptom Checker
ADHD Symptom Tests
All Symptom Tests
More in Mental Health
Medication Reviews
ADHD Medications
Natural Remedies
ADHD Therapies
Managing Treatment
Treating Your Child
Behavior & Discipline
School & Learning
Teens with ADHD
Positive Parenting
Schedules & Routines
Organizing Your Child
Health & Nutrition
More on ADHD Parenting
Do I Have ADD?
Getting Things Done
Relationships
Time & Productivity
Organization
Health & Nutrition
More for ADHD Adults
Free Webinars
Free Downloads
ADHD Videos
ADHD Directory
eBooks + More
Women’s Health Month
Newsletters
Guest Blogs
News & Research
For Clinicians
For Educators
Manage My Subscription
Get Back Issues
Digital Magazine
Gift Subscription
Renew My Subscription

Dear ADDitude: My Teen Won’t Do His Homework!

“My 13-year-old rushes through his homework and often forgets to hand it in. He also has ODD, so he is so stubborn and doesn’t want to study or accept help. He is smart, but his attitude and lack of motivation are holding him back. What can I do?”

Defiant Over Homework: Reader Question

Defiant over homework: additude answers.

ADHD, ODD, and puberty are a tough combination. Work on one challenge at a time. First, handle the missing assignments. Set up a meeting with your son’s teachers to find out which assignments are missing, and come up with a schedule for getting him caught up. Choose to work on a few assignments per night until he is caught up. I would suggest not allowing any screen time until that day’s assignments are complete. Follow up with his teachers to make sure they received the completed assignments. If it is possible to e-mail assignments, once they are completed, that would be ideal.

Now you can focus on the quality of the work and his motivation to do it. Many 13-year-old boys are not motivated to do schoolwork. This may be a sign of his age, his ADHD , his ODD, or a combination. If you find less screen time helps, keep this policy up until schoolwork is completed for the evening. Although teens with ODD often resent and argue with rules, you should keep certain rules in place. Clearly explain to your son the consequences and rewards. Be consistent with your approach, and focus on what he is doing right, rather than what he is doing wrong.

Posted by Eileen Bailey Freelance writer, author specializing in ADHD, anxiety, and autism

My son is 13, in 7th grade, and also rushes through all work and homework. He has a gifted IQ but currently has two low D’s in two classes.

The reason my son does so poorly in school is mostly due to his executive functioning deficits and the fact that teachers won’t provide the support he needs in that area.

[ Take This Test If You Think Your Child Has Oppositional Defiant Disorder ]

Ask for a parent-teacher meeting to address missing assignments, and ask the teacher to accommodate your son by reminding him to turn things in. Read this: ADHD in Middle School Survival Guide .

As for rushing through, I don’t know what to do. Individuals with ADHD are only motivated when something is of interest — it’s the way their brains work. I keep reminding myself that grades aren’t everything, but it does hurt his self-esteem.

Posted by Penny ADDitude community moderator, author on ADHD parenting, mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

Rushing through homework is so common and kids with ADHD. One thing that I really love for these students is called “designated homework time.” It’s basically based on the premise that kids should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. So a third grader should have about 30 minutes of homework, a 6th grader about 60 minutes of homework, and so on.

[ Smart Homework Strategies for Teachers & Parents: A Free Handout ]

If your child is miraculously doing homework for, say, a third grader in three minutes, even though you know they have a lot more, you can set the time expectation and say, “All right, Jimmy, you’re going to have 30 minutes to do your homework each day even if you say you have none at all.” Then, set the timer and make sure that Jimmy has this designated homework time. Even if he says he’s done, he still has to read for pleasure, or practice his math facts. That set period of time really reduces rushing because kids know that they’re not going to get up and be able to play XBox after three minutes.

Also keep in mind that sometimes when kids rush, they have a hard time paying attention to detail. It’s not just that they want to make us upset or that they ignore when you say, “Go back and check your work.” Instead what you want to say is, “As you’re doing your homework and you come to one that’s hard for you, circle that one so then you can go back at the end and work through that with a little bit more time.”

I also encourage younger kids to make a game out of it and I’ll say, “Okay, let’s say that you’re going to review five questions that were hard for you. Put a little box on the upper right hand corner of your worksheet and every time you go back and you check one of those hard questions, give yourself a tally mark.” For every set number of tally marks, kids can earn a reward.

Posted by Ann Dolin, M.Ed. Founder of Educational Connections, and author of Homework Made Simple

Defiant Over Homework: A Reader Answers

My daughter is 15 years old, and has struggled with homework all through school. Each night, my wife or I checked all homework and made her fix errors or rewrite things that were rushed or poorly done.

She eventually figured out we were not going to let her get away with a rush job. There were no video games, TV shows, or other activities until we said the evening’s assignments were complete. Our kids loved to read so we even took away books.

Eventually, we got an IEP. For one accommodation, the teacher checked and initialed her assignment book at the end of the day and asked if everything was turned in at the same time. The school had a computerized system so we could track missing work.

Part of the problem is her backpack and binders looked like an explosion went off. Our new system seems to be working. Straight A’s this last report card.

Take it one step at a time and teach the behavior you want your son to follow. Give yourself kudos for caring so much.

Posted by Augie

My daughter rushes through homework, too! I’ve been diligently checking it and making her correct where needed. But she recently had her first big “project” that I knew was going to drive me crazy, requiring hours of research and typing.

I made a couple of attempts to start her working on it. She hurried through, doing sloppy work, continually asking, “Can I stop now?” Then, I hit upon a solution that worked for us. I told her she had to work for 30 minutes before a break, and even if she “finished,” she’d have to read in a text book.

This eliminated her desire to hurry-up-and-finish because there was nothing to look forward to. She kept a close eye on the count-down timer, but actually slowed down with her work. It took quite a few 30 minute sessions, with nice-sized breaks in-between, but she got it done, and nicely, too. And as an added bonus, there was a lot less whining.

She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to make the 30-minute rule apply to daily homework, too!

Posted by Fair Hope

We found that using an “ADHD watch,” which vibrates every 5 minutes has helped our son refocus when doing homework (and at school) while on the computer. Since he doesn’t seem to be able to judge the passing of time, this lets him know it has been 5 minutes and he needs to refocus. He could easily “go down a rabbit hole” for hours following links without realizing it.

We also instituted a reward system where I pay him if he completes an assignment correctly within “x” amount of time and he pays me if he doesn’t. Homework got done very quickly after the first time he paid me!

Posted by kfwellman

My son gets a half hour of “down time” after school and before starting homework, but , he doesn’t get to start video games until after the work is done. If he gets into that game mindset, he won’t want to stop and then it becomes a battle to get him off it. So, he can play, watch a little TV, or whatever for a half hour, and then it’s homework time. When the homework is done, he is rewarded with a half hour of video game time.

I’ve also read many times that, in addition to making them feel successful, the video games make them feel like this is the ONE area of their lives over which they have some control, which actually helps his behavior and defiance. I mean, think about it: They struggle all day and have difficulties with peers, teachers and their own feeling of self-worth, but, when it comes to video games, they are the ones in control for a change. It also has to do with the instant gratification they get from the games. That’s why they are so addictive. So, the games do a number of things for them.

I don’t like taking the games away as punishment because I know that the games do all these things for my son, but I try to make it clear where the games fall on the hierarchy of priorities, and sometimes I do have to use them to get my son to do what he needs to do.

Posted by JAMurphy

My son is 15 and I don’t believe he’s too motivated either. Fortunately, the grades have been okay, but he hates to do homework and he did not study for his final exams. It seems that school just taxes him and when he gets home, the thought of having to concentrate just does him in behaviorally.

I try not to overreact to all of this (It’s hard sometimes!), and I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that he probably never will like school. It’s just not an ADHD-friendly place, unfortunately. Each semester, I meet with teachers to explain his challenges. Organization is a huge one for my son. I tell them that these are brain issues, not attitude issues. I don’t want to baby my son, but it is hard to find the balance between helping and being over-involved. I tell him he needs to fulfill his responsibilities and that I am always available to help him if needed.

I try to remind my son that his schoolwork is for himself , not me or his father. I told him that when he doesn’t do well or chooses not to do something, he’s not letting me down. Then I ask him who he’s letting down and he always knows the answer. “Me,” he says. I try to tell him that making the effort is like giving himself a gift. Sometimes he buys this, sometimes not.

So my mindset these days is to try and get through with the least abount of damage possible. At the same time, I try to find and use my son’s gifts and talents outside of school so he has things to feel good about. I don’t take away sports as a consequence because he needs it, for example.

Also, if you haven’t read Chris Dendy’s book on teenagers and ADHD, it is an absolute must-read. It helped me a lot. One of her best pieces of advice was, “Give yourself permission to be more involved with your child that you normally would.” These kids need someone who loves them no matter what.

Posted by momto3kids

[ Free Resource: Proven Homework Help for Kids with ADHD ]

Dear ADDitude: Read These Next

How to Discipline a Child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Exhausted young Caucasian parents sot on sofa at home annoyed by ill-behaved small kids play have fun. Unhappy upset mom and dad distressed tired by naughty active children. Upbringing concept. fizkes/Getty Images

When “No!” Is Your Child’s First Impulse: ODD Parenting Advice

Preteen boy is smirking and holds a skateboard against his shoulders. His frustrated mother stands before him.

The Parents’ Guide to Dismantling Oppositional, Defiant Behavior

conceptual image of How to Control Anger and ADHD Emotional Reactivity. Image of a head with erupting volcano

The Top ADDitude Articles of 2023

Adhd newsletter, the adhd parenting guide, behavior & discipline, positive parenting, organization, happiness & more..

It appears JavaScript is disabled in your browser. Please enable JavaScript and refresh the page in order to complete this form.

What Will Happen If You Don’t Do Your Homework?

This can be very frustrating and, sometimes, the only way to motivate a student to continue working on their assignments is to promise them that they will do better. This seems to be a viable solution, at least in the short term, because many teachers want to see progress from their students. After all, students get better at work when they are encouraged to do more. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. If you’re finding that your child is giving up on homework, there may be a better approach.

Most people do not realize that what will happen if you don’t do your homework could have far more serious consequences than just having to do it the next day. For example, your grades might suffer or your classwork might not be as valuable as it could be. You could even find yourself with a failing grade or with the wrong grade. This could be especially true if you are teaching special education or English, which requires a great deal more work than most other subjects.

If you know that you are going to face what will happen if you don’t do your homework, try to relax. Take some deep breaths, maybe take a few moments to gather your thoughts. You don’t want to start to panic or get worked up over the fact that you cannot do your work. Instead, concentrate on what you can do to make the situation as easy as possible for you and your student. This will go a long way towards relieving any stress you may be feeling.

What will happen if you don’t do your homework? Your first move should always be to discuss the problem with your student’s teacher. This will go a long way towards getting things back on track. If you do not discuss the matter, then you are likely to face major problems with your student’s results. Of course, if there are extenuating circumstances, such as a parent requiring better grades in a subject or if your child is suffering from a disability, you have to take that into consideration as well. Work with your instructor to come up with a solution that will help everyone.

What will happen if you don’t do your homework? You can still try to do it on your own. Just be sure that you are using a reliable study guide or notebook with detailed instructions. This will make it easier for you to keep track of what you are doing. You also want to make sure that you are taking frequent individualized notes so that you can review what you have learned.

One of the main reasons that people are not doing their homework is that they don’t want to do it. They feel like it is taking too much time and they just don’t want to do it. It is definitely true that some people would rather be doing other things than studying what will happen if you don’t do your homework. However, this isn’t really what you should be focusing on. Instead, you should be trying to find ways to motivate yourself to do it. You can also find ways to avoid putting off your work.

Your last answer to the question “what will happen if you don’t do your homework?” is simple and direct. You will fail. Don’t be discouraged by this fact and keep working on your education. Once you do, you will see just how far you can go.

We Are Here To Assist You

Here are a few letters your customers love. s a l e. do you know how we know because the days when retailers offer their biggest discounts..

On The Site

What to do when a client fails to do assigned homework.

May 10, 2016 | SupaduDev | Quick Tips For Therapists

By Patrick M. Duffy, PsyD

Most therapists are familiar with the disorientation that arises when their agenda is rendered moot by a client’s failure to complete homework. The resulting session may be a meandering, redundant discussion about the importance of the intervention—and a repeated homework assignment.

When homework is reassigned, the logical question is, “Will they do it?” If nothing changes, why would they? This is crucial and why incomplete homework, met with the right strategy, can be an important clinical opportunity. Simply noting “noncompliance with treatment” in their record is a big assumption and misses the window.

To capitalize on the incomplete assignment, you must assess why it wasn’t completed. “When we last met, we agreed it would be helpful to ____. Can you help me understand what got in the way?” There are a range of possibilities. Are you asking them to do something they don’t want to do? Did they understand the task and have the necessary skills? Did they grasp the rationale and think it would work? If other people are involved, was there disagreement or conflict? Were they deterred by a barrier that could have been predicted and planned for? Is there another presenting problem—unknown to you—inhibiting progress? If barriers exist, we must be aware of and address them—or treatment may stall.

A female client of mine had agreed to implement a strategy with her daughter. By the next session, she had not, so our discussion shifted to why. Initially, she said she was depressed and just couldn’t do it. Seeking specifics, we discussed the sequence and at what point she stopped. That analysis revealed that her daughter’s reaction made her fearful due to past aggression. She also said her husband was uninvolved and minimized the aggression. Had we simply reassigned the homework, the likely similar results may have left her feeling defeated. Instead, we engaged the father, explaining that his wife was afraid and his daughter’s behavior deteriorating. We then developed strategies for them to effectively co-parent, which also improved their relationship, which had been another contributor to her sadness.

Incomplete homework requires a shift, but conceptualizing it as evidence of a barrier provides a strategy and an opportunity. With this client, it provided a turning point.

Search Our Blog

New Harbinger is committed to protecting your privacy . It's easy to unsubscribe at any time.

Dad asks for help with daughter's homework - and even math graduates are baffled

A dad has been left utterly baffled by a children's math homework question so perplexing that even those with math degrees are finding it tough to crack. In a bid for clarity, the desperate dad turned to the internet for help, confessing that the conundrum was driving him to the brink of insanity.

He posted: "So yeah. My daughter said she needed help with her homework and this mystery number **** is about to make me lose it." The befuddled parent shared the brain-teasing worksheet on Reddit , where it quickly racked up over 250 upvotes and nearly 200 comments from equally puzzled users attempting to unravel the numerical riddle.

The puzzling prompt states: "Mr. Ruis gives his class clues about a 6-digit mystery number. The 3 is in a place that is 10 times greater than the place of the 0. The 1 is in a place that is 10 times less than the place of the 0. The 4 is in a place that is 10 times more than the place of the 3. The 9 is in a place that is 100 times less than the 1. The 2 is in a place that is 10 times more than the 9. What is Mr. Ruis' 6-digit mystery number? ".

' Husband replied to an advert for a one-night stand — I gave birth 38 days ago'
Only those with high IQ can spot lost bucket hat in festival scene in 2 minutes

In an attempt to solve the question, one user speculated: "Oh I thought it was 921034. But now I realize that bigger numbers are on the left, lol.", reports the Mirror . To which another replied: "I have a math degree and did the same thing." Another chimed in saying: "I'm a CS major, apparently my brain is little-endian and so is yours."

One user chimed in on the daunting homework assignment, saying: "They gave her a zebra puzzle for math homework? That's messed up. This is just the math version of Einstein's riddle." Another dove into solving it, saying: "I know there is a 3 and a 0 and that the 3 must be directly to the left of the 0 since its place is 10x greater than that of the 0 (30)."

Read more: Sign up to Mirror US's SMS updates for the latest straight from the newsroom

For all the latest on news, politics, sports, and showbiz from the USA, go to The Mirror US .

Then they continued, offering this solution "Now I need to add a 1 and since its place is 10x less than that of the 0 it must go directly to the right of the 0. (301). Now I need to add the 4 directly to the left of the 3 since its place is 10x greater than that of the 3. (4301)."

"Now I need to add the 9 which is "tricky" since its place is 100x less than that of the 1 so it needs to be 2 spots to the right of the 1. (4301_9). Now to fill in the blank with the 2, which fits in with the clue that the place of the 2 is 10x greater than that of the 9, or in other terms 1 spot directly to the left of the 9 (430129)."

In response to their detailed breakdown, one fellow user gratefully responded: "My kids are in preschool. I'm 44 years old so the way I learned math is different. I'm saving this post to help me out with his homework years from now." Another seemed convinced by this logic, declaring: "This sounds pretty logical."

Got a story to share? Reach out to us at [email protected].

Do you return your shopping cart? A psychologist’s answer on TikTok enraged thousands

Show more sharing options
Copy Link URL Copied!

Of all the decisions faced during a trip to the grocery store — paper, plastic or reusable bags? self-checkout or human interaction? — one has emerged as the most contentious.

Where do you leave your cart at the end of the shopping trip? It’s become a cart conundrum of sorts.

Leslie Dobson, a Los Angeles-based clinical and forensic psychologist, shared her answer in a video posted on TikTok and Instagram last week that’s generated more than 11 million views as of Monday and a whole litany of backlash.

“I’m not returning my shopping cart and you can judge me all you want. I’m not getting my groceries into the car, getting my children into the car and then leaving them in the car to go return the cart. So if you’re going to give me a dirty look, f— off,” Dobson said using an expletive.

The internet went off.

People accused her of being an “entitled mom” and called her “lazy.” Others called her a “Karen” and some questioned why she doesn’t take her kids with her to return the cart or lock the car with them inside while she puts the cart away.

“Oof this is embarrassing for you,” a mother of two wrote on Instagram. “It’s said that returning the cart is a litmus test of sorts, and girlie, you failed...”

Column: What would banning TikTok accomplish? Answer: Virtually nothing

A Congress that can’t decide whether tunafish or chicken salad is a better sandwich is trying to ban TikTok. That’s a sign of its inability to do anything substantive.

March 14, 2024

But Dobson said the video didn’t tell the whole story. She explained in an interview with The Times that she doesn’t believe women should be shamed into returning their shopping carts if they don’t feel the parking lot is safe for them or their children.

Dobson, who has children ages 3 and 7, said she knew the video would be provocative, but she didn’t expect the wave of anger and judgment from people online. She’s even received death threats, she said.

She hoped the initial post — and a follow-up video the next day — would get people talking about women prioritizing their own safety. She said her goal was to impart that women should not feel forced into an unsafe situation for themselves or their children to return a shopping cart.

“If you feel unsafe, the important thing is to trust your intuition and protect yourself and your loved ones versus a societal norm or a judgment that may come your way,” she told The Times.

But people were downright apoplectic about the idea of Dobson leaving her cart unrestrained.

Several commenters on her video made reference to the “shopping cart theory,” which proposes that a person’s moral character and ability to self-govern can be determined by whether they return their shopping cart to its designated area or abandon it somewhere else in the parking lot.

Some online jumped to her defense, saying that by returning the buggies or leaving them in a designated corral they’re taking jobs away from those tasked with bringing the carts back into the store.

The public response to the first video was so intense that Dobson followed up with another post on Friday to give some additional context about why she made the video.

“I want to give you some statistics,” she said in the video. “Last year, 265 children were abducted in parking lots in America. Half of those were sexually assaulted. As a single mom returning your shopping cart you are prime for a predator to watch and grab you.”

The nonprofit Kids and Car Safety reported that in the United States in 2022 at least 265 children were abducted during car thefts — the highest number in the 10 years of data collection provided on its website. In such circumstances, the person often doesn’t realize a child is inside the vehicle when they drive off, according to the nonprofit.

Amber alert activated by the California Highway Patrol on behalf of the Long Beach Police Dept. for 4-yr. old Justin Chan, who was abducted from Long Beach, California, on Feb. 13, 2024. The suspect as driving a 2021 gray Honda Accord with California licence plate number 8XPG349.

Man arrested in theft of car with 4-year-old boy inside in Long Beach, triggering Amber Alert

The toddler, Justin Chan, was in the back seat of his parents’ idling car when someone stole it and sped away, according to the Long Beach Police Department.

Feb. 14, 2024

The statistics provided by the nonprofit don’t specify whether any children were sexually assaulted in such situations. The nonprofit Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network reported that in 2016, Child Protective Services agencies found evidence that more than 57,000 children were victims of sexual abuse. But the majority of sexual abuse reported to law enforcement was committed by an acquaintance of the child or a family member, according to the nonprofit.

“It may not be hundreds of thousands of trafficked women or stolen cars, but I don’t care,” Dobson told The Times. “For me, if it’s even one that we could have prevented why not? Over a shopping cart?”

Shopping cart shaming has been an online pastime for years.

The Instagram account “Cart Narcs” devotes itself to confronting people on video in parking lots across the country to call them out for failing to return their carts. Those who decline to trek their carts back to the corral run the risk of having a Cart Narc leave a magnet on their vehicle that reads “I don’t return my shopping cart like a jerk.”

Aside from times when she feels unsafe, does Dobson return her shopping cart?

“Always,” she said with a laugh. “And I help others return their carts.”

‘The bane of retail.’ To prevent theft, many big chains now lock up all kinds of merchandise

April 25, 2024

The author's uncle at work at 7-Eleven in Taichung, Taiwan

Why are Taiwan’s 7-Elevens so much better than ours?

March 20, 2024

An Amazon Prime delivery person struggles with packages while making a stop at a high-rise apartment building on Tuesday, Nov. 28, 2023, in Denver. (AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

Amazon claims its packages are recyclable. Much of the plastic ends up in landfills

March 19, 2024

Climate & Environment

A beauty store employee tried to stop shoplifters. Now, she’s fighting for her life

March 13, 2024

California Gov. Gavin Newsom speaks at a news conference in Sacramento on Feb. 27.

Gov. Gavin Newsom goes viral over a shoplifting at Target

Feb. 3, 2024

On the afternoon of January 17, Roseville Police Officers responded to a retail store on the 6000 block of Stanford Ranch Road for a theft that just occurred. Staff saw a woman take a shopping cart full of Stanley water bottles without paying for them. The suspect refused to stop for staff and stuffed her car with the stolen merchandise. An officer spotted the suspect vehicle as it entered Highway 65 from Galleria Blvd and initiated a traffic stop.

In a Stanley cup daze? Woman wheels $2,500 in cups out of store without paying, police say

Jan. 21, 2024

Ontario, CA - October 19: Shoppers Ashley Sanchez, center, of Fontana, poses for her friend Joscelin Flores, not pictured, who was taking photos with their bags of merchandise after being among the first group of shoppers taking the opportunity to shop on the opening day of fast fashion e-commerce giant Shein, which is hosting a brick-and-mortar pop up inside Forever 21 at the Ontario Mills Mall in Ontario Thursday, Oct. 19, 2023. (Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times)

Malls have rebounded thanks to an unlikely source: Gen Z

Jan. 19, 2024

File - Packages are stacked on the doorstep of a home on Oct. 27, 2021, in Upper Darby, Pa. Retailers and delivery companies have been trying to combat the theft of delivered packages in a variety of ways. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum, File)

Were your holiday deliveries stolen? What you can do about porch piracy

Dec. 21, 2023

Woodland Hills, CA-OCTOBER 19, 2022: Razor blades are locked up behind a glass showcase at a CVS store in Woodland Hills. Retail chains are adding more security measures to combat retail theft. (Mel Melcon / Los Angeles Times)

Editorial: California’s retail theft hearings scapegoat Proposition 47

Start your day right

Sign up for Essential California for news, features and recommendations from the L.A. Times and beyond in your inbox six days a week.

You may occasionally receive promotional content from the Los Angeles Times.

Hannah Fry covers breaking news for the Los Angeles Times. She most recently covered Orange County for The Times and has written extensively about criminal trials, housing, politics and government. In 2020, Fry was part of the team that was a Pulitzer finalist for its coverage of a boat fire that killed 34 people off the coast of Santa Barbara. Fry came to The Times from the Daily Pilot, where she covered coastal cities, education and crime. An Orange County native, Fry started her career as an intern at the Orange County Register.

More From the Los Angeles Times

Los Angeles, CA - October 16: South side of MacArthur Park is closed to public for an extensive clean-up and major renovation. Clean-up crew busy in collecting trash and sanitizing the MacArthur Park on Saturday, Oct. 16, 2021 in Los Angeles, CA. (Irfan Khan / Los Angeles Times)

Police seek suspects who pushed homeless man into MacArthur Park Lake, killing him

Kevin Costner waves in white suit and sunglasses on Cannes red carpet

Kevin Costner reveals his promise to Whitney Houston — and his refusal to trim her eulogy

Fifth quake to hit SoCal in 5 days: Small temblor strikes Newport Beach

June 5, 2024

A Porsche driver in Northern California was cited for driving 133 miles per hour over the Memorial Day weekend on the northbound 101 Freeway at Lytton Springs near the Sonoma Wine Country town of Healdsburg. An officer pulled over the unidentified driver and cited the individual for speeding on Sunday morning.

Swift justice: Porsche driver is ticketed for 133 mph on the 101 Freeway

Entertainment
Celebrities
Ticket Sales

trending now

Baggage handler issues warning to passengers who tie ribbons to...

Woman claims to be 8-year-old Pa. girl who vanished from bus stop...

Soda company recalls multiple drinks sold in restaurants across...

Kanye West's 300-acre ranch in Calabasas is seen in complete ruins

New sexually transmitted fungal infection detected in NYC — the...

Kate Middleton 'may never come back' to her previous royal role...

NFL QB staying tight-lipped about his stunning offseason weight...

Spirit Airlines flyer tracks down her stolen luggage to airport...

Miley cyrus doesn’t know if she wants children: ‘my fans are my kids’.

View Author Archive
Get author RSS feed

Thanks for contacting us. We've received your submission.

Mother Miley.

Miley Cyrus revealed that she hasn’t decided if she wants to be a mom in an interview with W magazine published Monday.

“I’m 31 now, and I still don’t know if I want kids or not,” she said. “I feel like my fans kind of are my kids in some way.”

Miley Cyrus for W Magazine, The Pop Issue

“I’ve heard Dolly say that too, because she didn’t have kids,” Cyrus added about her godmother, Dolly Parton, 78.

The “Wrecking Ball” singer, who has been famous since she was a kid , explained why she’s happy at her current stage in life.

Miley Cyrus with her fans in NYC in December 2018

“I love being an adult. I have a rule that I don’t look up or don’t look down at anyone,” she said. “I just look, which allows me the clarity to see the world for what it really is and people for who they really are.”

“I look at myself almost every day in the mirror and I say, ‘I am a woman.’ “

Cyrus isn’t a mom, but she has been a wife once before.

She was married to actor Liam Hemsworth from December 2018 to August 2019. They finalized their divorce in January 2020.

Cyrus has been dating musician Maxx Morando , 25, since 2021.

In her chat with W, Cyrus reflected on finally getting her due at the Grammy Awards this year , where she took home the trophies for Record of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance for “Flowers” — her very first trophies from the Recording Academy.

“No shade, but I’ve been doing this for 20 years, and this is my first time actually being taken seriously at the Grammys?” said Cyrus.

“I’ve had a hard time figuring out what the measurement is there, because if we want to talk stats and numbers, then where the f–k was I? And if you want to talk, like, impact on culture, then where the f–k was I?”

She added: “This is not about arrogance. I am proud of myself.”

The former “Hannah Montana” star said that she made “Flowers” — last year’s most-bought single worldwide — “to be a celebration of bravery, because I perform out of fear.”

Miley Cyrus performs at the 2024 Grammy Awards

“I didn’t always have the fear of performing that I have now,” she explained. “But going from spending two years alone and seeing no more than one person a day during lockdown to knowing that millions of people watch the Grammys is a big shock to the nervous system. Anyone who’s ever put themselves in a position to be observed or judged is brave. It doesn’t matter if it’s eight or 8 million people — that fear is there.”

“Before I went onstage, right as that curtain was about to lift, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, ‘I am free!’ ” Cyrus continued. “When I was 20 or 21, it might have sounded more like, ‘I don’t give a f–k what people think. I’m just being me.’ “

The superstar singer also enjoyed recent success collaborating with Beyoncé on the song “II Most Wanted” on Bey’s album “Cowboy Carter.”

“I wrote that song, like, two and a half years ago,” she told W. “My mom would always go, ‘I love that song so much.’ “

“So when Beyoncé reached out to me about music, I thought of it right away because it really encompasses our relationship. I told her, ‘We don’t have to get country; we are country. We’ve been country.’ I said, ‘You know, between you being from Texas and me being from Tennessee, so much of us is going to be in this song.’ “

“Getting to write a song, not just sing, for Beyoncé was a dream come true,” Cyrus added.

Share this article:

Subscriptions

By clicking Sign In, you agree to our Terms and Conditions and that you have read our Privacy Policy .

We won't post to any of your accounts

Your password must include:

Min 8 characters
Min 1 lowercase character
Min 1 uppercase character
Min 1 number

Danielle Olivera Doesn’t Hate Carl After Lindsay Split: I Saw ‘Both Sides’ at ‘Summer House’ Reunion (Exclusive)

Danielle Olivera is still team Lindsay Hubbard after her split from Carl Radke — but she understands more of Carl’s reasoning after the Summer House season 8 reunion.

“It was nice to hear his side,” Danielle, 35, exclusively told Us Weekly on Tuesday, June 4, while promoting her recent AirSculpt journey . “I think after all of that went down, I truly wanted to talk to him about it.”

Danielle confessed, “I wanted to yell at him about it really in real time. But now a lot of time has passed, and [at] the reunion, I was OK.”

She explained that once Carl, 39, explained during the reunion why he called off his engagement to Lindsay, 37, just months before their wedding, “I could see both sides.”

Danielle Olivera Doesnt Hate Carl After Lindsay Split

When season 8 of Summer House started filming in June 2023, Carl and Lindsay were set to marry that November. Viewers soon learned that the couple had a lot of issues to work out , including not seeing eye to eye on Carl’s career and Lindsay wanting to stay home with their future kids.

After months of fighting, Carl called off the engagement in August 2023, just three days after the season had wrapped. The cameras picked back up and showed the breakup during the season 8 finale , which aired last month.

When news broke of the split, Danielle — who previously slammed Lindsay and Carl for moving too fast — was by Lindsay’s side for support. She later called herself the Charlotte to Lindsay’s Carrie Bradshaw, referring to the Sex and the City characters . (In the 2008 Sex and the City movie, Carrie gets left at the altar by Mr. Big, and Charlotte yells at him, saying, “I curse the day you were born.”)

Breaking Down 'Summer House' Costars Lindsay Hubbard and Danielle Olivera's Feud- A Timeline - 061

Related: Where Do Summer House’s Lindsay Hubbard and Danielle Olivera Stand?

Now, however, Danielle revealed that she and Carl have turned a corner after not speaking for months . “He lives in Brooklyn. I run into him out here. I live in Brooklyn as well, and I don’t feel like Charlotte as much,” Danielle teased. “I don’t curse the day he was born as much.”

She told Us that being able to coexist with Carl after he hurt her longtime friend is something that “happens with time, and that happens with seeing both sides.” Danielle admitted, “I wish I could say I hated him. I don’t.”

When it comes to whether she thinks Lindsay will ever “get to that point” with her ex-fiancé, Danielle is unsure.

Summer House Season 8 Signs That Carl Radke and Lindsay Hubbard Were Headed for a Split

Related: ‘Summer House’ Season 8 Signs That Carl and Lindsay Were Headed for Split

“In this world where we are meant to film together or whatever, but this one is a bigger animal,” Danielle explained. “They were engaged and now they’re not. So maybe even more time is needed in order for that to happen.”

While the cast plans to start filming season 9 in July, Danielle doesn’t know what the Hamptons house will look like if the exes both come back.

“This is the biggest one that’s happened, but I thought I would never be able to share a house with Ciara [Miller] again after two seasons passed ,” she said of her past show feuds. “I didn’t know that I could share a house again with Lindsay after what happened [ between us in season 7 ]. It’s crazy how time really heals it.”

Danielle acknowledged that Lindsay and Carl’s fallout is “obviously [a] bigger animal, and we’ve never dealt with something like this before,” but she thinks they could live together for the show.

“I think that both of them have a vested interest in filming,” she added. “I think that they could figure it out. I would like to think so, but they have to do what’s best for them.”

Danielle, for her part, is ready for summer thanks to her recent Arm AirSculpt procedure . The app creator recalled feeling like she had “softball arms” after years of playing the sport, but as a 35-year-old woman, she wanted a change.

Summer House Cast s Dating History Inside Lindsay Hubbard Kyle Cooke Paige DeSorbo and More Stars Love Lives 723

Related: ‘Summer House’ Cast’s Dating History

“It’s one of those things I’ve always been self-conscious about entering Summer House on TV. Maybe other people don’t notice it, but I did,” Danielle told Us of her arms. “And there’s a psychology behind it if I notice it, it’s just, like, a day-ruiner sometimes, or the confidence where I would wear something. I’m just like, ‘I just really wish I had a coverup on right now.’”

Once she committed to AirSculpt, Danielle saw results quickly. “I had a compression garment on it first, [and] every time I would change it, I would check myself out and I was like, ‘Wow, these are skinnier arms. This is working. This is awesome,’” she recalled of the treatment. “And then as I was healing, it was getting better and better and there was no sag, no extra skin anywhere.”

You have successfully subscribed.

Subscribe to newsletters

By signing up, I agree to the Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive emails from Us Weekly

Score This Deal on Dyson! 26% Off The Cordless Vacuum

Deal of the Day

Check our latest news in Google News

Check our latest news in Apple News

Danielle gushed over her results, telling Us , “There’s just the mental capacity that it has freed [in me]. I could worry about literally anything else. It won’t be on my mind as much, so it’s great.”

Part 1 of the Summer House season 8 reunion airs on Bravo Thursday, June 6, at 9 p.m. ET. The second part premieres Thursday, June 13, at 9 p.m. ET.

With reporting by Christina Garibaldi

Lindsay Hubbard

Summer House

Weekend Edition Sunday

Latest Show

Sunday Puzzle

Corrections

Listen to the lead story from this episode.

Politics chat: How voters are responding to Trump's felony conviction

by Ayesha Rascoe , Mara Liasson

The Americas

Mexico votes for a new president after a campaigning season plagued by violence.

by Eyder Peralta , Ayesha Rascoe

Middle East

Aid workers in gaza say nowhere is safe after israeli attacks on 'humanitarian zones'.

by Hadeel Al-Shalchi

Girls in the U.S. are getting their period earlier. Here's what parents should know

by Ayesha Rascoe , Maria Godoy

Bookstores have come under attack in Ukraine. But interest in reading is only growing

by Joanna Kakissis

25 years ago, Napster changed how we listen to music forever

by Ayesha Rascoe

What locals think of the proposal to build U.S.'s tallest building in Oklahoma City

by Graycen Wheeler

Sunday Puzzle NPR hide caption

Sunday Puzzle: Second in Line

by Will Shortz

Movie Interviews

A new animated film follows a lonely dog and his robot friend in new york city.

by Ayesha Rascoe , Matthew Schuerman , Andrew Craig

Conservative media sows doubt about the verdict in Trump's felony convictions

by Ayesha Rascoe , David Folkenflik

Supreme Court judge accused of bias towards Trump declines to recuse himself from case

by Ayesha Rascoe , Matthew Schuerman , Hiba Ahmad

Some states are adopting a new form of reading instruction to combat falling scores

by Juma Sei

A new movie tells the story of Kemba Smith Pradia, race and incarceration

Strange news, meet abby lampe, two-time champion of the cheese-wheel-chasing race, meet abby lampe, two-time champion of the chees-wheel-chasing race, 100 years ago, indigenous people were granted u.s. citizenship by law.

by Sandhya Dirks

The first professional women's hockey league in the U.S. has a winner

Music interviews, jon lampley, a veteran of stephen colbert's talk show, releases his debut album.

by D. Parvaz , Ayesha Rascoe , Ryan Benk

Searching for a song you heard between stories? We've retired music buttons on these pages. Learn more here.

Supported by

What to Know About Claudia Sheinbaum, Mexico’s Newly Elected President

Here are five key insights into Mexico’s new president as people wonder whether she will diverge from Andrés Manuel López Obrador’s policies or focus on cementing his legacy.

Share full article

A smiling woman is greeting several of her supporters.

By Natalie Kitroeff

Reporting from Mexico City

Claudia Sheinbaum’s list of accolades is long: She has a Ph.D in energy engineering, participated in a United Nations panel of climate scientists awarded a Nobel Peace Prize and governed the capital, one of the largest cities in the hemisphere.

On Sunday, she added another achievement to her résumé: becoming the first woman elected president of Mexico.

Ms. Sheinbaum, 61, captured at least 58 percent of the vote in a landmark election on Sunday that featured two women competing for the nation’s highest office — a groundbreaking contest in a country long known for a culture of machismo and rampant violence against women.

Mexico Election Results: Sheinbaum Wins

See results and maps for Mexico’s 2024 presidential election.

“For the first time in 200 years of the republic, I will become the first female president of Mexico,” she said. “And as I have said on other occasions, I do not arrive alone. We all arrived, with our heroines who gave us our homeland, with our ancestors, our mothers, our daughters and our granddaughters.”

Now that she has clinched the presidency, Ms. Sheinbaum’s next hurdle will be stepping out of the shadow of her predecessor and longtime mentor, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, the outgoing president.

She and Mr. López Obrador are “different people,” she said in an interview. He’s an oilman who invested in environmentally questionable projects; she’s a climate scientist. Yet Ms. Sheinbaum has appealed to voters mainly by promising to cement his legacy, backing moves like his big bet on the national oil company and proposed constitutional changes that critics call antidemocratic.

Their alliance has also left many Mexicans asking: Can Ms. Sheinbaum be her own leader? Or will she just be his pawn?

“There’s this idea, because a lot of columnists say it, that I don’t have a personality,” Ms. Sheinbaum complained to reporters earlier this year. “That President Andrés Manuel López Obrador tells me what to do.”

She insists she will govern independently from Mr. López Obrador and has some different priorities. But veering too far from his agenda could be very risky.

Here are five things to know about the newly elected president of Mexico that help inform whether she will stray from Mr. López Obrador’s policies or dedicate herself to cementing his legacy.

1. Sheinbaum will inherit a host of challenges.

A former ballet dancer, Ms. Sheinbaum calls herself “obsessive” and “disciplined.” But discipline may not be enough, analysts say.

As president, she already stands to inherit a long list of troubles. The state-owned oil company is buckling under debt, migration through the country has reached historical highs and cartel violence continues to torment the country.

She has said she would continue Mr. López Obrador’s policy of addressing the drivers of violence instead of waging war on the criminal groups, but will also work to lower rates of impunity and build up the national guard.

With a U.S. presidential election just months away, she told The New York Times that she was prepared to work with whichever candidate wins. Publicly, she has echoed Mr. López Obrador’s emphasis on tackling migration by addressing its root causes.

In a hint of potential change, she said in a recent debate that she would seek to reform the c ountry’s migration authority , an agency often accused of corruption.

2. She’s seen as reserved, even aloof.

The Times spoke with two dozen people who have worked with or know Ms. Sheinbaum and also visited campaign events, reviewed her writings and her media appearances and interviewed her, once in 2020 and again this year.

What became clear is that Ms. Sheinbaum, (pronounced SHANE-balm), has long seemed more comfortable quietly getting things done than selling herself or her achievements.

The granddaughter of Jewish immigrants who fled Europe, she rarely discusses being Jewish or almost anything about her personal life, colleagues say. When interviewers ask her about the Nobel Prize she shared with a panel of climate researchers, she notes how many others were involved in the work.

She is known as a tough boss with a quick temper who can inspire in her staff fear and adoration at the same time. Publicly, though, her affect is so controlled it verges on aloof.

Some say her professorial demeanor could pose a challenge in a political landscape defined by Mr. López Obrador, who built his party into a juggernaut by relying on the force of his personality.

“She needs him,” said Carlos Heredia, a Mexican political analyst. “She doesn’t have the charisma, she doesn’t have the popularity, she doesn’t have the political stamina of her own, so she needs to borrow that from López Obrador.”

For some Mexicans, however, a thrills-free woman may be an ideal antidote to an entertaining man who plunged the country into partisan turmoil.

3. She’s long sought to keep Mr. López Obrador happy.

The candidate’s political career began when Mr. López Obrador was elected mayor of Mexico City in 2000 and invited her to a meeting at a diner. “What I want is to reduce pollution,” she recalled Mr. López Obrador telling her. “Do you know how to do that?”

Ms. Sheinbaum, who by then had written more than a dozen reports on energy use and carbon emissions, said yes. She became his environment minister. In meetings, she seemed willing to do almost anything to make her boss happy, according to several people who worked with her.

“The phrase she used over and over again was ‘The mayor said to,’” said Mr. Heredia, who worked with her in city government under Mr. López Obrador. What that meant, according to Mr. Heredia: “We are not a cabinet for giving ideas,” he said. “We are a group of people here to execute what he decides.”

In the years that followed, Ms. Sheinbaum straddled academia and politics, but she always stayed close to Mr. López Obrador. When he founded his Morena party in 2014, he asked her to run on the party’s ticket to become mayor of Tlalpan, a borough of Mexico City. With his backing, she won.

4. She is known for being a demanding boss.

In 2018, Mr. López Obrador was swept into the presidency in a landslide and Ms. Sheinbaum became Mexico City’s mayor. She quickly gained a reputation as an exacting boss.

“One doesn’t go to her meetings to tell her, ‘I’m working on it,’” said Soledad Aragón, a former member of Ms. Sheinbaum’s cabinet. When she walked into a room, Ms. Aragón said, everyone sat up straight.

As mayor, she could remember specific numbers mentioned in a meeting weeks after it occurred, Ms. Aragón said, calling her “brilliant” and “demanding,” especially of herself, adding: “It has gotten results.”

Five officials who have worked with Ms. Sheinbaum, who were not authorized to speak publicly, said that she was quick to anger at times and would yell at her subordinates in front of large groups. Through a spokesman, Ms. Sheinbaum declined to comment on the accusation.

Her defenders say some people merely reacted badly to a woman in charge.

“I know that in her government, sometimes people got offended or felt bad because she yelled at them,” said Marta Lamas, a longtime feminist activist who has been close to Ms. Sheinbaum and her team. “But if a man yells, it wouldn’t be an issue because culturally, it’s different.”

“People say it in a critical way: ‘She’s tough,’” Ms. Aragón said. “What do you want, someone soft in charge of the city?”

5. She is a true believer in Mr. López Obrador’s vision.

For years, Ms. Sheinbaum has tried to explain how she can be so in step with Mr. López Obrador while also being herself. The answer, she says, is simple: She genuinely believes in him.

In 2022, a radio host asked her a pointed question from a female listener: “Why don’t you choose to be a woman who governs with her own ideas? Why don’t you get out of AMLO’s circus?” she asked, using Mr. López Obrador’s nickname. “Why have the same rhetoric with the same words?”

Ms. Sheinbaum didn’t hesitate.

“If you think the same as another person, it’s not that you’re copying them; you just agree with the ideas,” she said. “You can’t deny what you believe.”

Emiliano Rodríguez Mega contributed reporting.

Natalie Kitroeff is the Mexico City bureau chief for The Times, leading coverage of Mexico, Central America and the Caribbean. More about Natalie Kitroeff

IMAGES

Dear Mother Wit: "My Daughter Won't Do Her Homework On Time. I'm Losing
Презентация по английскому языку "The Present Perfect Tense" (5 класс)
The Little Girl Doesnt Want To Do Her Homework The Girl Sits At The
Girl Who Doesnt Do Homework Stock Photo 1923239510
YARN
Girl Doesn't Do Her Homework And Is Late For School. Her Father Is

VIDEO

Chloe Didn't Do Her Homework!
when I don't have homework
Chloe Didn't Do Her Homework
She Didn't Do Her Homework

COMMENTS

My Child Refuses To Do Homework
Don't get sucked into arguments with your child about homework. Make it very clear that if they don't do their homework, then the next part of their night does not begin. Keep discussions simple. Say to your child: "Right now is homework time. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.".
Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents
Communicate regularly with your youngster's educators so that you can deal with any behavior patterns before they become a major problem. 5. Consider adding in break times (e.g., your child might work on her math homework for 15 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break). 6.
What to Do When Teens Refuse to Do Homework or Fail a Class
The first step is to ask your teen what is going on. Notice the word ask. That means you don't start the conversation with accusations, yelling, blame, or threats. Instead, enter into the conversation with a sense of curiosity to see if you can help uncover the possible reasons why he or she isn't getting their homework done or passing the ...
How to Motivate the Unmotivated Child
Say the following: "I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.". "I want you to do your homework now.". Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn't do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability. If your child says, "I don't care about the consequences," ignore her.
How to Get Children to Do Homework
My daughter Nina just turned 8 (Feb 11). She does not like to do homework one bit. Her teacher gives her homework every day except Friday. She loves Fridays because she doesn't like homework. She always hides her homework under her bed, refuses to do her homework, and in the More morning she tells her teacher "I lost it last night and can't ...
Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else
Thank you for this article. Wow, I relate so much to this article. I struggle with my 11 yr old to do homework. She's exactly like Lily, a soon as she starts doing homework she calls for my help that she doesn't understand. She's very bright and learns right away, but I do see she's stressing.
How to Get Your Teen to Do Their Damn Homework
By the time your child reaches their teenage years, they're getting to a point when it's time for them to be assuming responsibility for getting their work done. As Taylor-Klaus often advises ...
Homework Struggles May Not Be a Behavior Problem
Chelsea was in 10th grade the first time I told her directly to stop doing her homework and get some sleep. I had been working with her since she was in middle school, treating her anxiety disorder.
'There's only so far I can take them'
The kids do the homework, and they're supposed to check it and figure out if they need extra help. The kids who do that, there is an amazing correlation between that and positive grades. The ...
Homework anxiety: Why it happens and how to help
Use a calm voice. When kids feel anxious about homework, they might get angry, yell, or cry. Avoid matching their tone of voice. Take a deep breath and keep your voice steady and calm. Let them know you're there for them. Sometimes kids just don't want to do homework. They complain, procrastinate, or rush through the work so they can do ...
My Teen Won't Do Homework. How Can I Fix This?
Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don't lecture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can create more dependency. 3. Empower your teenager. Chores are a great way to empower teens. Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability.
My bright teen is skipping homework and failing classes, and I don't
January 13, 2021 at 9:00 a.m. EST. (The Washington Post/Prisma filter/iStock) Q: My 15-year-old son, a high school sophomore, has stopped doing his homework when he doesn't like the subject or the ...
Strategies to Help Slow-Working Students
Now that she is in 8th grader I'm beginning to worry because she spends hours doing her homework. She claims she likes to take her time and do her work right, but I'm worried that she she's up late working on homework that shouldn't take her that long. She also takes long showers and moves at a slow pace in most of what she does.
The child refuses to do homework and to study: motivation tips for
Many parents strive to oversaturate the schedule of their child. As a result, the psyche turns on defense mechanisms, protecting their brain from the excessive effort. The child begins to be lazy and to postpone their homework until late at night. 8. Physiological reasons.
How To Handle A Student Who Doesn't Do Homework?
7. Talk to the student after class or during lunch. If you feel as if it is appropriate, you can talk to the student outside of the classroom setting, during lunch, or after school. This is an approach you can take when dealing with students who continuously do not complete their homework.
Is homework really necessary?
Mention that her teachers may say, "She's smart, but she doesn't work that hard." If she doesn't like the sound of that, she should ask herself what she wants them to say about her, and ...
When Your Homeschooler Refuses to Do Any Work: Exactly What To Do!
1. Make "fun" a central value of your homeschool. Don't skip the cool things because you think you don't have time. Your kids should be excited to find out what they'll be learning tomorrow! 2. Use a reward system for schoolwork even if you don't "need" one right now.
My Teenager Won't Do Homework and Gets Angry Over Grades
She kept a close eye on the count-down timer, but actually slowed down with her work. It took quite a few 30 minute sessions, with nice-sized breaks in-between, but she got it done, and nicely, too. And as an added bonus, there was a lot less whining. She doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to make the 30-minute rule apply to daily homework ...
Any tips to get my daughter to do her homework without a fight?
If she's not entering it, that's a problem, as the teacher should tell everyone to get out thwir diary and enter the homework. Help her with the homework more maybe. At that age, you need to be part of her team, as a motovator and private tutor. Otherwise she may flunk school. 1.
What Will Happen If You Don't Do Your Homework?
Your last answer to the question "what will happen if you don't do your homework?" is simple and direct. You will fail. Don't be discouraged by this fact and keep working on your education. Once you do, you will see just how far you can go. This can be very frustrating and, sometimes, the only way to motivate a student to continue ...
What to do when a client fails to do assigned homework
Seeking specifics, we discussed the sequence and at what point she stopped. That analysis revealed that her daughter's reaction made her fearful due to past aggression. She also said her husband was uninvolved and minimized the aggression. Had we simply reassigned the homework, the likely similar results may have left her feeling defeated.
She does homework every day vs She does her homework every day vs She
She does her homework every day. This means she does the homework that has been assigned to her, as opposed to doing other people's homework or helping others with their homework. It also strongly implies that she completes her assignments, and doesn't just work on them for a bit.
Homework doesn't align with our family values. Here's how I explain
Homework simply doesn't make the cut. My daughter is supposed to do about 40 minutes of homework each night. It's important to acknowledge that my district doesn't give much homework in elementary ...
Dad asks for help with daughter's homework
He posted: "So yeah. My daughter said she needed help with her homework and this mystery number **** is about to make me lose it." The befuddled parent shared the brain-teasing worksheet on Reddit ...
Do you return your shopping cart? A psychologist's answer on TikTok
An L.A.-based psychologist said she doesn't return her shopping cart in a video that's generated more than 11 million views as of Monday and a litany of backlash.
Miley Cyrus says she doesn't know if she wants kids
Miley Cyrus, 31, revealed that she hasn't decided if she wants to be a mom in an interview with W Magazine published Monday. "I'm 31 now, and I still don't know if I want kids or not ...
Summer House's Danielle Doesn't Hate Carl After Lindsay Split, Reunion
Danielle, for her part, is ready for summer thanks to her recent Arm AirSculpt procedure. The app creator recalled feeling like she had "softball arms" after years of playing the sport, but as ...
Emerging Portrait of Judge in Trump Documents Case: Prepared, Prickly
Even though she has been on the bench for only four years and has limited experience handling criminal cases, it is often clear that Judge Cannon has done her homework. In mid-March, for instance ...
Weekend Edition Sunday for June, 2 2024 : NPR
Hear the Weekend Edition Sunday program for Jun 02, 2024
What to Know About Claudia Sheinbaum, Mexico's Newly Elected President
"One doesn't go to her meetings to tell her, 'I'm working on it,'" said Soledad Aragón, a former member of Ms. Sheinbaum's cabinet. When she walked into a room, Ms. Aragón said ...