worst amazon movie reviews

The 54 most hilariously bad Amazon movie reviews

For the past few years, Joe Grabinski has chronicled the most hilariously bad Amazon reviews of popular movies.

Grabinski's "Amazon Movie Reviews" Twitter account has more than 200,000 followers, and it is a pitch-perfect mixture of extremely misguided reviews and just plain wacky ones.

Grabinski gave us a list of his favorites. These are the best of the bad. The ones he chose range in tone from clueless to angry to some we truly hope were meant as a joke. A few things we noticed: Parents tend to blame movies for everything, and at least one person still really cares about VHS.

Get your popcorn ready.

Creed (2015)

Hunger Games (2012)

Sinister (2012)

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay — Part 1 (2014)

Deadpool (2016)

Jaws (1975)

Goodfellas (1990)

Star Wars: Episode VII — The Force Awakens (2015)

Space Jam (1996)

Interstellar (2014)

Drive (2011)

Zootopia (2016)

The Jungle Book (1967)

Jurassic World (2015)

Sausage Party (2016)

The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

The Shining (1980)

Minions (2015)

White House Down (2013)

Titanic (1997)

Saw IV (2007)

Big Hero 6 (2014)

The Force Awakens (2015)

Monsters, Inc. (2001)

Boyhood (2014)

Straight Outta Compton (2015)

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Die Hard (1988)

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

Pitch Perfect (2012)

A Bug's Life (1998)

Ghostbusters (1984)

12 Years a Slave (2013)

Edward Scissorhands (1990)

Frozen (2013)

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (2013)

Jurassic Park (1993)

Free Willy: Escape from Pirate's Cove (2010)

Star Wars (1977)

Click (2006)

Cars (2006)

Magic Mike (2012)

Independence Day (1996)

The Passion of the Christ (2004)

Grease (1978)

Happy Feet (2006)

Air Bud (1997)

Back to the Future Part II (1989)

Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol (2011)

The Sixth Sense (1999)

Jury Duty (1995)

March of the Penguins (2005)

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63 One-Star Movie Reviews On Amazon That Are Spectacularly Unnecessary

"Can't stand Hugh Grant, movie slow, but great for insomnia!!" –an Amazon customer about Notting Hill.

BuzzFeed Staff

1. The Silence of the Lambs .

Amy G has left an eponymous review that says, Misleading, not, single lamb

2. Fight Club .

Yoon left a review called Wrong movie that says, When I play the movie, it was different movie called Never been kissed, It has Fight Club on the cover, Once i fastforwad it plays Fight Club, I am very upset, did you copy Fight Club over Never been kissed

3. Get Out .

Amazon Customer left a review called Watched it 10 times that says, Horrible movie watched it like 10 timez

4. All About Eve .

Book lover left a review called Warning this movie is not about Eve from the Bible that says, My Bible group was upset, We thought this was about Eve from the Bible, Plus it was black and white But the DVD case is in color, False advertising all around

5. Dirty Dancing .

G Franklin left a review called Needs more fighting that says, I was hoping Swayze would fight more

6. Schindler's List .

David D. Bindner left a review called very minor collection not as advertised that says, This cd collection contains Less than 25 percent of andrew lloyd webers repretouir, I was dissappointed it was 100 minutes on 3 cds, it could have been on 1 cd

7. The Shape of Water .

Gwenevere has left a review called No thanks that says, Turns out fish love just isn’t my thing, But more power to them, also really boring movie

8. Roman Holiday .

Zachary Farmer left a review called One Star that says, I hate this version of the sound of music, No boobs at all

9. Parasite .

THE SHIZNIT left an eponymous review that says, first half good, second half bad

10. Home Alone.

JayBird left a review called Joe Pesci is the star that says, This movie doesnt hold up unless you need Pesci to reconnect you to the genre

11. Cinderella (1950).

Nyats left a review called Old that says, Was expecting modern graphics

12. The Big Short .

Thos Mann left a review called Not a good feeling that says, Left me feeling that I am gambling with my retirement savings, Not a good feeling

13. From Here to Eternity .

Suzanne Thomas left a review called One Star that says, I thought it would show more of Hawaii, Still, a classic.

14. Gravity .

Elizabeth left a review called Why does this DVD smell awful that says, Was this a used DVD that was just resealed, Why does it smell like an old woman, It smells so bad it's making my whole living room smell bad, I am very unhappy with this

15. The Wolf of Wall Street .

im rick james left a review called BEWARE NOT A NATURE DOCUMENTARY that says, I figured with the title it was a documentary about how urbanization is affecting wildlife, but no it's about some scumbag that does a bunch of drugs and has a boat

16. Mean Girls .

CL left an eponymous review that says, I dont care to write a reviev

17. The Bridge on the River Kwai .

Timothy J Fitzpatrick left a review called One Star that says, Powerful men discussing a bridge for three hours

18. Back to the Future .

JD left a review called What is the piont that says, Unrealistic why a kid hangs out with a doctor, So many other plot points, especially when they go back in time, Where does he get his money, why not tell his mom what is happening, would not recommend

19. Legally Blonde .

rwx left an essentially eponymous review that says, Clueless at Harvard, this is silly male bashing which I did not find humorous, Vicious feminist victimology

20. The Sound of Music .

Mallory left a review called One Star that says, Didn't know it was a musical

21. 12 Years a Slave .

joseph sexton left a review called One Star that says, Good movie if they would leave out the BLASPHEMING

22. Apollo 13 .

David had left a review called Really, are you kidding me that says, What a disappointment, three guys yelling at each other in a small space capsule, would have been better off watching Scooby doo and the space martian

23. The Wizard of Oz .

Linda Gibbs left a review called Didn't order that says, I love the movie but I did not order this

24. Cabaret .

Cheryl L Welch left a review called Cabaret that says, I went to a Community Center a few years ago and their rendition was great, This not so much

25. Black Panther .

Ale left a review called i buy it two months ago and i opened it that says, i buy it two months ago and i opened it until today and the movie wasnt there, its just an empty box

26. Fight Club again.

Heather left a review called Not that great that says, I didn't particularly like it, Fight Club wasn't my type of movie, I finally understand what people are talking about when they say the first rule of fight club is don't talk about fight club haha

27. Notting Hill .

William E McNicholas has left a review called but great for insomnia that says, Can't stand Hugh Grant, movie slow, but great for insomnia

28. Die Hard .

Mamadelsol left an essentially eponymous review that says, Not a Christmas movie

29. Citizen Kane .

John F Shettle Sr at symbol left a review called One Star that says, I threw it in the trash

30. The Truman Show .

Carol Weibley left a review called TERRIBLE MOVIE that says, If you go to Arizona State, you'll have to watch this for PUP200, I wouldn't recommend watching unless it's required

31. Fargo .

C Curtis left a review called One Star that says, If you find this film funny, then there is something wrong with you

32. Inception .

TapacUA left a review called too long and boring that says, Overprivileged Leonardo DeCrapio fights men caused global warming, why does he fly private jets in the movie, After 25 mins I fast forwarded, waste of time to watch dreams

33. Mary Poppins .

Connie L left a review called One Star that says, Not as good when you're an adult

34. Bridesmaids .

Katherin Clemmence left a review called More Hollywood garbage that says, Those who choose base subjects find refuge in them because of the feebleness of their talents

35. The Shining .

Jason left a review called One Star that says, Sucked balls

36. Ghostbusters .

Greg left a review called Not very good that says, The musical aspect got old, Great acting and not that great voice, Nothing too revealing as it seems to be the obvious points of Elton John's life anyone could read in the papers, Boring and too long

37. Titanic .

Mike left a review called Awful that says, Its just awful, my heart cannot go on

38. Singin' in the Rain .

dnparadice left a review called I hate it that says, Im glad for 2 things: I live in 2008 and they make movies with plots that are thicker than that, 2, I have now seen 1 musical so you cant say well you have never seen one when I say I hate musicals

39. Easy A .

Kimberleigh Turner left a review called One Star that says, Watched it before I took a test, DID NOT GET AN A SHOULD HAVE STUDIED

40. Thelma & Louise .

Rico Suave left a review called Women always steal plots that had men that says, This was a female version of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid but that was a classic, This was a joke, Get your own ideas ladies, stop trying to compete with men

41. Sleepless in Seattle .

Tori left a review called One Star that says, Blah, this movie sickened me

42. Rebel Without a Cause .

ty gilpin has left a review called One Star that says, I rooted for the parents, At least they got through the depression and WWII

43. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back .

Jorge left a review called Ordered by accident that says, My baby was playing with the firestick controller and somehow he ordered it, I did not watch it since I already had it on Blue Ray

44. The Sixth Sense .

Eric Majewski left a review called No sixth sense included that says, I have 6 senses, hearing, taste, sight, smell, and touch, If this movie is supposed to give you a sixth sense I got ripped off, Couldn't even find my sixth sense in the special features

45. Back to the Future again.

Amazon Customer left a review called SCREW THE SYSTEM that says, I LOVE THIS MOVIE BUT I'M ONLY GIVING IT 1 STAR TO PROVE A POINT

46. Casablanca .

Kayla left a review called One Star that says, booooring

47. Skyfall .

Corey has left a review called Turrible that says, This movie was no bueno, Charles Barkley advises against watching this movie, It was too long, The silver Aston Martin was cool though

48. Little Miss Sunshine .

Linda E left a review called Very old movie and not a good movie that says, I did not like this movie as this was the most disfunctional family I had ever seen, But my dog is named for this movie so I bought it to look at, Was a waste of my time

49. Cabaret again.

Samantha Flores left a review called Wish I could get my five dollars back that says, I hated this movie and I didn't even get to finish it and I hate it

50. The Martian .

Tom left a review called couldn't finish it that says, as soon as I realized it was a survival flick and would be a long boring movie, I was out, didn't feel like following this guy making video logs for four years

51. Nomadland .

Sherry Harvey's review is called Are you kidding and it says, I'll say nothing, just like this movie did

52. When Harry Met Sally...

Beth left a review called Deleted scene that says, The famous restaurant scene, you know the scene I mean, was deleted, I would not have rented had I known

53. Whiplash .

54. Lost in Translation .

frances dye left a review called One Star that says, I've watched this so many times and love the subtlety of the movie, One of my all time favorites

55. A Star Is Born (2018).

anonymous left a review called the worst that says, Please make it go away

56. 12 Angry Men .

jennifer gallo left a review called Do not buy which says, The movie didn’t come in a case which I expected for a new item, It just came in an envelope

57. Zero Dark Thirty .

Melanie Cooke left a review called I wasn't expecting a chick flick that says, A group of feisty gals were not the central force in finding Osama, made it unbelievable, of course many women were part of the team, but the movie exaggerates their role

58. The Truman Show again.

Kindle Customer left a review called One Star that says, Domb

59. The Matrix .

In 1999, Amazon Customer left a review called Save your money that says, This is bad, I don't mean bad in the sense of funky bad or some slang for good, A ridiculous plot, with some of the worst acting, dialogue that seems to be from bad Friends episodes

60. Fight Club again again.

Orngrim left a review called One Star that says, This was just a really weird movie

61. It Happened One Night .

CRYSTAL left a review called One Star that says, never saw it

62. Cast Away .

luke rowley left a review called One star that says, This movie has 1 star, Tom Hanks, A legend, He lost a bunch of weight for this like an unhealthy amount, He should get all the awards and if you don't like this movie you should feel bad about your life

63. And finally, Slumdog Millionaire .

meshal m y a m alali left a review called One Star that says, I don't like it

Bonus: this three-star review for The Princess Bride that I stumbled upon by mistake.

George Vick left a review called Three Stars that says, CARY ELWEES WITH A MUSTACHE,

Special shoutout to comedian Joe Lycett and the podcast How Did This Get Made? for definitely subliminally giving me this idea.

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This Twitter Account Is Collecting The Worst Amazon Movie Reviews Ever, And They're (Unintentionally) Hilarious

And the Oscar for Most Amusing Supply Of Terrible Film Reviews goes to... @AmznMovieRevws !

Yes, if you love movies and/or bad movie reviews, then this Twitter account - created by Iowan Joe Grabinski - is for you.

Because Amazon Movie Reviews brings you critiques of films that just don't do what they say on the tin:

The Wolf of Wall Street. pic.twitter.com/tpA5syzMVG — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) December 16, 2014

And films that are disappointing - technically or otherwise:

Casablanca. pic.twitter.com/rPrg1sK86J — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) December 20, 2014

Frozen. pic.twitter.com/AAlkg3r7m0 — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) December 8, 2014

Recent reviews of Oscar-nominated films include these gems:

Boyhood. #Oscars2015 pic.twitter.com/C3f0dfsDH4 — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 23, 2015

Boyhood. pic.twitter.com/ui3BKZ4qnl — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 18, 2015

Boyhood. pic.twitter.com/HOPZjwmf9L — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 27, 2015

Selma. pic.twitter.com/7bwKvR9zTp — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 13, 2015

The Grand Budapest Hotel. pic.twitter.com/U36PBqLm0Q — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 17, 2015

Ida. #Oscars2015 pic.twitter.com/ARHb3riFXi — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 23, 2015

And as the post-Oscar 'Birdman' backlash gets underway, some people might agree with these:

Birdman. pic.twitter.com/MiCGpO1DkE — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 11, 2015

Birdman. pic.twitter.com/qQwEixFDTH — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 16, 2015

Other reviewers just find it a little hard to distinguish fact from fiction:

The Shining. pic.twitter.com/txuTZfaK0l — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) December 12, 2014

Air Force One. pic.twitter.com/VxKQhFicUl — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 22, 2015

Jury Duty. pic.twitter.com/j3lz1jXqOT — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 7, 2015

Alien. pic.twitter.com/bzhqyjOxSg — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 17, 2015

While others have ideas for movies themselves:

The Sixth Sense. pic.twitter.com/4OMwPURzLS — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 21, 2015

'Guardians Of The Galaxy' was not a hit with these people:

Guardians of the Galaxy. pic.twitter.com/qY4APKh4nd — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 20, 2015

Guardians of the Galaxy. pic.twitter.com/9TBA7Y77Jl — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) December 19, 2014

While a viewing of 'Finding Nemo' led this viewer to post a call to arms for... dentists:

Finding Nemo. #tbt pic.twitter.com/Ly8PKakevj — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 19, 2015

They're not all bad reviews, however. Some Amazon users are so taken by certain movies that their families have made huge life decisions as a result:

Road House. pic.twitter.com/jW7vfiXbae — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 22, 2015

Days of Thunder. pic.twitter.com/eqa0m0FrTD — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 21, 2015

While others have simply met the men of their dreams:

American Sniper. pic.twitter.com/rvHft8vyZ5 — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 20, 2015

Dear John. pic.twitter.com/G3Pxp0rqQ8 — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 18, 2015

Still, with men like these in the world, who can blame them?

Twilight. pic.twitter.com/wXM575W4Me — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 17, 2015

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1. pic.twitter.com/ud2RWZAi7u — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 4, 2015

Spring Breakers. #tbt pic.twitter.com/jSFF6ezEhk — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 29, 2015

Of course, when it comes to disappointing viewing experiences, there's nothing worse than being unable to spot someone you know:

Goodfellas. #tbt pic.twitter.com/hU4WdeTf1T — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 12, 2015

Or finding out that it's a cartoon:

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. pic.twitter.com/Lchl80KODB — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 30, 2015

West Side Story. pic.twitter.com/qis4VyIVF3 — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 3, 2015

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. pic.twitter.com/JBNM2Y8CsH — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) December 27, 2014

Shakespearean:

Romeo + Juliet (1996). pic.twitter.com/AWnNQLZfVg — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) December 23, 2014

Or worse still:

The Thin Blue Line (1988). pic.twitter.com/2PTZfbcPie — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 10, 2015

Still, everyone's a critic, eh?

Up in the Air. pic.twitter.com/NAVmgoCO6T — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 8, 2015

The best Amazon Prime perk? The terrible, terrible movies, of course

Need a break from coronavirus news? Amazon boasts the best collection of cheesy B-movies that're so bad they're good -- here are our favorite hate-watches.

10 years product testing experience with the CNET Home team

I have a problem: I have a long-held and admittedly irrational affinity for terrible movies . And not just any terrible movies -- obscure B-movies by no-name directors with big ambitions, painfully small budgets and in-over-their-head actors who are just doing their best with what they're given. The gems among this craptacular crop of films all share the same tragicomic sincerity and lack of awareness, and they're typically torpedoed by horrible artistic choices, simple inexperience or a plain ol' lack of talent. Hey, no one said making movies was easy!

With the help of my trusty roommate Zach, I've been combing through secondhand video stores and thrift store bargain bins for years now in pursuit of the most fascinating film fails I can find. We're well stocked with VHS titles at this point -- so, last year, we turned to our motley mix of streaming services to see what the selection is like online.

Netflix ? So-so.

Hulu ? Nothing of note.

Amazon Prime Video? Pay dirt!

The folks at Amazon wouldn't comment on their content curation strategy when I asked about it, but for whatever reason, the Prime Video catalog includes an amazing selection of cheap, terrible cinema otherwise lost to the ages. They aren't well categorized, but with a little digging, it never takes long to find something head-scratching and hilarious.

To that end, here's a quick sampling of some of the worst and weirdest titles we've stumbled across on Amazon's streaming service, all of which are free for Prime subscribers to watch right now. Because let's face it: We could all use a break in the age of the coronavirus -- and a few more titles for our watchlists, too.

Here’s a little taste of my most recent find, a truly bizarre film about toxic zombies in Florida called Noxious. Our hero is a blue-haired beach bum detective who dresses like a punk teenager for no discernible reason. Cast includes a few too many B-list ex-wrestlers. pic.twitter.com/R9UlUOUwBk — Ry Crist (@rycrist) March 24, 2020

Noxious (2018): 2 hours, 12 minutes

What do you get when you mix a Gulf Coast oil spill, a dash of toxic waste, and a bunch of dead dudes? Apparently, you get one of the strangest and shoddiest movies I've ever forced myself to watch (and toxic zombies, obviously).

Why it's great

The script might be riddled with painful dialogue and bizarre, meandering plot turns, but that didn't stop its ensemble of misfits from coming together and giving it their best. With a shoestring budget and a cast that features several B-list ex-wrestlers, the acting is just as cringe-inducing as you'd expect. But perplexing performances from the leads -- including an aging, tater-tot-loving, blue-haired detective who dresses like a punk teenager from 1993 -- will keep you glued to the screen from start to finish. That's a good thing, because while the monster effects border on semi-competent there, ah, actually aren't that many zombies in this, um, 132-minute zombie movie.

Circus Island (2006): 1 hour, 44 minutes

Fun fact: Feel-good family flicks can be so bad they're good, too! Case in point, Circus Island, in which an out-of-work trapeze artist slash deadbeat dad falls in love with and marries his ex-wife's twin sister without realizing who she is before reconnecting with his estranged daughter while fixing up a run-down tropical island as a summer circus camp, wherein an angsty and vaguely homicidal mean girl threatens to ruin everything unless a ghostly circus legend can save the day from beyond the grave. No, it didn't make much sense when I typed that either (or when I watched it, for that matter).

I’m awfully partial to the buddy cop kung fu flick Hawkeye (our VHS copy lists the title as ‘Karate Cops’). The high-kicking hero is so delightfully wooden and obtuse, and his partner’s Eddie Murphy impersonation is surprisingly decent! You know it’s a gem in the first minute. pic.twitter.com/V8SsgyDh7q — Ry Crist (@rycrist) March 24, 2020

Hawkeye, aka Karate Cops (1988): 1 hour, 25 minutes

The '80s gave us a veritable bounty of bad kung fu movies, but few gave us better schlock than Leo Fong, a Chinese American martial artist, actor, filmmaker and Bruce Lee contemporary who, at 91 years old, is still kicking today. Many will point to his starring turn in the 1986 cult classic Low Blow as a tour de force head-scratcher of a performance, but his turn behind the camera directing the 1988 buddy cop flick Hawkeye (also known as Karate Cops, at least according to our VHS copy) is an absolute must-see, too.

Let's start with our titular hero, Alexander Hawkimoto, played by George Chung. He's a cocksure, karate-kicking cop personified by horrible one-liners, terrible judgment and flat-out wacky Texas cowboy machismo. His partner? A completely shameless (and at times, surprisingly convincing) ripoff of Eddie Murphy from Beverly Hills Cop. The production value? Flimsy at best. The plot? Too ridiculous to describe. The end result? Pure gold.

Powderburn (1995): 1 hour, 22 minutes

"It started out as a routine wife-spying job…" is how the description of Powderburn begins on Amazon. Unfortunately, words really can't do justice to this baffling masterwork of awful cinema. Suffice it to say there's really nothing routine about the script's confusingly bad attempt at neo-noir (think Chinatown, if they only filmed about 30 percent of what they needed and had to try and make it work in editing).

This film is an enigma of bad moviemaking, and filled to the brim with botched line deliveries, strange cuts and incomprehensible plot twists that'll have you saying "huh?" more times than you can count. It makes for one of the more demanding watches on this list (and at just 82 minutes, that's saying something), but stick it out, if only for the utterly bizarre sequence 58 minutes in where our naked hero gets into a gunfight in the desert with a trio of snakes. At least, I think that's what happens? With Powderburn, it's a little hard to be sure.

Is this the greatest terrible pun ever to open a movie? I believe that it might be. pic.twitter.com/OSz0DE8aje — Ry Crist (@rycrist) August 3, 2018

Deathstalker 2 (1987): 1 hour, 28 minutes

The rogueish, casually misogynistic swordsman Deathstalker (yep, that's really what he calls himself) becomes a reluctant hero when a princess on the run enlists his help in defeating Jarek, the evil ruler who replaced her with an evil twin.

The duo journeys to confront the villains, but not before a tribe of Amazonian huntresses captures them and forces Deathstalker into a fight to the death as punishment for his womanizing ways (relax, it's just a WWF-style wrestling match in the middle of the forest, complete with the ring, and that sound you hear is me slapping my forehead just thinking about it).

First off, a shoutout to the team at RedLetterMedia , who first turned me on to Deathstalker 2 when they featured it on their "Best of the Worst" YouTube series , which I highly recommend if these sorts of films suit your fancy. Still, Deathstalker 2 merits a full viewing of its own. From the brutally bad pun that opens the film to the final, climactic bout of unconvincing swordplay, everything about this movie is just the best kind of bananas. And don't worry if you missed the first Deathstalker -- it's available to stream on Amazon, too !

Another recent find: The truly awful and borderline unwatchable Love on a Leash, where a guy trapped in a dog’s body has to get a woman to fall in love with him? Truly one of the most painful watches I’ve ever sat through. Highly recommended. pic.twitter.com/iFOGFmurGH — Ry Crist (@rycrist) March 24, 2020

Love on a Leash (2011): 1 hour, 25 minutes

Need a romcom for your next stay-at-home date night? Consider Love on a Leash if you're feeling masochistic. It's the story of a down-on-her-luck lady who takes in a stray dog, only to learn that it's actually a man stuck inside of a dog's body. The two fall in love, and things go from really weird to really, really weird.

Oof. Or maybe w-oof, I guess. Either way, if you can make it through all 85 minutes of this one, then you're a true friend of bad cinema. Not only is the script a trainwreck of bad decisions and jokes that absolutely do not land, but the editing and sound design are notably nightmarish, too (my guess is that the filmmakers used a lot of music without owning the rights and then needed to strip it all out prior to distribution). One note: while the film isn't too risque, some of the jokes and scenes get a bit suggestive, so stick with Circus Island if you're looking for something you can groan at with young kids.

Our hero, the dog, is voiced by a store-brand Seth Rogen type, only to be portrayed by a completely different actor with an entirely different personality when we finally get to see him as a human. Our heroine, a green-obsessed wallflower who makes maddening life choices for the sake of The Plot, veers between overacting and underacting from scene to scene. Very little of this film makes sense. It's borderline unwatchable. I absolutely love it.

Skyscraper (1996): 1 hour, 35 minutes

2018 brought us Skyscraper , the latest in a long, storied history of Die Hard ripoffs -- but did you know it's actually the second Die Hard ripoff with that name? The first was a straight-to-video trainwreck from 1996, and you won't find Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson saving the day.

Instead, the John McClane role goes to, I kid you not, the late Anna Nicole Smith, who stars as an unassuming helicopter pilot who lands on an LA skyscraper during a routine charter flight, only to realize that the building has been taken over by violent terrorists who've taken hostages.

This one has it all. The acting is god-awful (I have a special soft spot for Deron McBee's especially campy turn as a terrorist -- you might know him as Motaro from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, or as Malibu, one of the original American Gladiators). The script is laughably hackneyed (at one point, Smith rappels down the side of the building and kicks through a window, ripping Die Hard off almost shot for shot). And while it doesn't quite qualify as softcore porn, you should still put the kids to bed before watching -- the film includes a handful of jarringly out-of-place sex scenes, including a flashback that literally starts in the middle of a gunfight.

For these reasons and so, so many more, Skyscraper belongs right at the top of your hall of shame. Sadly, the film isn't available on Amazon anymore -- but you can still stream it for free on Tubi.

Like I said, the Prime Video catalog is filled with flicks like these, and that means there's a lot more where these came from. I didn't even have room to mention campy classics like Death Spa and Chopping Mall!

I'm not planning on stopping my search anytime soon, so expect updates to this post if I find any new gems. In the meantime, feel free to share any recommendations for my watchlist in the comments section.

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The worst movies you can stream on Netflix and Amazon Prime

My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

Welcome to another crass collection of movies that you really shouldn't be watching this weekend.

We are now into our 10th edition of Not On My Watch, which means there's some 40 truly terrible movies you can now read about - just check out the gallery of the grotesque below to see what we've been wasting our lives viewing over the last few months.

Even though we have hit 40 films in our search for the worst film to stream of all time, the list of crap we could put in this feature is seemingly endless.

That's the thing about streaming services, while there's many a brilliant thing on show, dig deeper and it becomes a bit like the opening scene of Blue Velvet.

Below the white picket fence you'll find beetles scurrying, shoddy CGI and nymphoid barbarians in dinosaur hell...

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1. A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell

Steaming now on Amazon Video

The Premise: A nymphoid barbarian finds herself in dinosaur hell, thanks to a world-changing event involving some terrible stop-motion animation.

As titles go A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is up there. It definitely got a click from me. But, and I hope I don't come across as picky here, some things don't exactly add up.

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For a start, there's no such thing as a nymphoid. The filmmakers must have accidentally merged two words together; in this case we're guessing nymphomaniac and typhoid. Which instantly makes this movie sound less sexy.

And there's no dinosaurs in this movie. The awful stop-motion beings are weird mutant things - it's even mentioned in the breathy voiceover at the beginning: "They changed our pets and livestock into ghastly mutants". So don't go trying to tug on our Jurassic Park memories and mention dinosaurs in your title, it's just not on. It's almost as if they made the movie - shock, horror - then gave it a title.

Yes, this is a Troma production but even by their standards it's pretty terrible. Kudos, though, for breaking up a near silent movie with an almost complete rendition of Lewis Carroll's The Jabberwocky about 30 minutes into the film.

It almost made us think we were watching something arty for a second - if it wasn't sandwiched between a scene of some mutants scavenging on a beach and the titular barbarian catching some sun in a fur-lined bikini.

2. Future World: City Of Mass Destruction

Steaming now on Amazon Prime

The Premise: Warring factions try and take over a world that's already been beaten up by four atomic holocausts and two ice ages. Just give the world a break guys, geez, it's been through enough.

If this is the future of the world, then stop this ride I want to get off. Shot on a shoestring budget and put through a filter that makes it look like a Mad Max movie colored in by a five year old, Future World: City Of Mass Destruction is as incoherent as it is unwatchable, as annoying as it is garish.

It's not actually a feature-length film but three 30-minute mini stories stitched together, creating a Frankenstein's monster of a movie about a ravaged world that's survived four atomic holocausts and two ice ages - making Future World the cinematic equivalent of a cockroach.

3. Ghost Team One

Steaming now on Netflix

The Premise: Two fratboys really want to impress a girl who is obsessed by ghosts so they pretend their house is haunted and accidentally summon the ghost of an Asian sex worker.

I understand what the makers of Ghost Team One are trying to do here. Just as Scary Movie roundly mocked Scream, Ghost Team One has been made to take a couple of pot shots at Paranormal Activity. The funniest thing about this movie, however, is that Paramount actually gave it a small theatrical release.

Ghost Team One is a mixed bag of dick jokes, scatalogical humour and weird racial slurs - ending in a conclusion that sees a fully grown white man pretend to be possessed by a Japanese sex worker. Yes, it's as bad and as unfunny as it sounds.

If you actually get to this bit, you'll end up wishing that the found footage in this movie was lost forever.

4. Sinbad of the Seven Seas

The Premise: Sinbad, of seven seas fame, is out to save a princess who has been taken captive by the evil Jafar.

I should have seen this one coming, given the title has got the words 'sin' and 'bad' in it. Cannon movies has come up trumps again with this travesty of a film. The original Incredible Hulk, Louis Ferrigno - who had already been burned twice by the production company playing the muscle-bound Hercules in two awful movies about the Greek god - stars as Sinbad, a prince who must fight his way through a bevy of scenery chewers to save his princess.

Ferrigno does his best in a film that sees him for the most part struggle with rubber props - including snakes and swords - and at one point inexplicably fight himself, which must be a metaphor for something but my brain's too fried to figure it out right now. All while John Steiner as Jafar just shouts "a-ha" and dances around a bit.

There's also a scene where he's stuck in an electric cage, which might the funniest scene featuring a cage since Nicolas Cage and the bees in The Wicker Man remake.

More bad movies you shouldn't be watching

Not On My Watch: Chapter 1

Featuring such classics as:

Arctic Blast SnakeHead Swamp Magnetic Quest For The Egg Salad

Not On My Watch: Chapter 2

Nightscape: Dark Reign of Thanatos Die Hard Dracula Hot Bot He Who Dares: Downing Street Siege

Not On My Watch: Chapter 3

Adam and Eve Meet The Cannibals Zombies Have Fallen The Adventures of Food Boy The Late Bloomer

Not On My Watch: Chapter 4

Featuring such classics as:

Daemonium: Soldier of the Underworld Gor Filthy McNasty Starforce

Not On My Watch: Chapter 5

Featuring such classic as:

Shira The Vampire Samurai Crying Wolf Stan Helsing Pegasus Vs Chimera

Not On My Watch: Chapter 6

Ninja Vengeance Journey to the Center of the Earth Creature Lake Enemy Empire

Not On My Watch: Chapter 7

Troll 2 Robo-Dog Prophecy of Eve E-19 Virus

Not On My Watch: Episode 8

Carnage: Legend of Quiltface Moontrap Target Earth American Poltergeist Rumpelstiltskin

Not On My Watch: Episode 9

American Ninja 2 The Confrontation Ninja Squad Ninja Dragon Ninja Terminator

Marc Chacksfield is a former film journalist (and TechRadar's global managing editor) who is already regretting agreeing to watch terrible movies for the sake of his column Not On My Watch .

Marc Chacksfield is the Editor In Chief, Shortlist.com at DC Thomson. He started out life as a movie writer for numerous (now defunct) magazines and soon found himself online - editing a gaggle of gadget sites, including TechRadar, Digital Camera World and Tom's Guide UK. At Shortlist you'll find him mostly writing about movies and tech, so no change there then.

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