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Luckiest Girl Alive Author on Her Decision to Reveal Her Rape in Wrenching Essay

In a gut-wrenching essay published Tuesday in Lena Dunham's Lenny Letter, best-selling author Jessica Knoll revealed that she was a victim of gang rape as a teenager.

Like Knoll, the Luckiest Girl Alive protagonist grew up in the suburbs, attended a respected private high school, and became a successful editor at a women's magazine after college. They also share a devastating secret—one that Knoll is now making public.

"The first person to tell me I was gang-raped was a therapist, seven years after the fact. The second was my literary agent, five years later, only she wasn't talking about me. She was talking about Ani, the protagonist of my novel, Luckiest Girl Alive , which is a work of fiction," Knoll wrote. "What I've kept to myself, up until today, is that its inspiration is not."

In the New York Times best-seller, Ani is a highly successful writer for the fictional The Women's Magazine and planning a wedding of her dreams. Despite a facade of success, she remains haunted by the sexual assault she experienced as a teen. In describing the horrific act, Knoll penned a scene so harrowing and descriptive that many readers have asked her how she was able to capture such a devastating moment so accurately. In Knoll's Lenny essay, she discloses that she was able to do so by drawing from her own experience.

In the essay, Knoll relives her sexual assault—an incident that occurred when she was just 15-years-old. The author was raped by several male classmates at a party and for many years she was tortured by feelings of confusion, shame, and helplessness. She was derided as a "slut" by other students for the remainder of her time in high school. Even adults in her life denied her support after the incident, and, when visiting a clinic after the incident, Knoll described the exchange she had with the physician treating her, saying: "The doctor, a woman, listened to me describe the events of the evening...and I know that when I asked if what had happened to me was rape she told me she wasn't qualified to answer that question."

Even more heartbreaking, Knoll never spoke openly about what had happened because she feared how people in her hometown would respond.

"I submitted to my assigned narrative. What was the point in raising my voice when all it got me was my own lonely echo?" she wrote. "Like Ani, the only way I knew to survive was to laugh loudly at my rapists' jokes, speak softly to the mean girls, and focus on chiseling my tunnel out of there."

Now, 17 years after her assault, Knoll is opening up and sharing her story, publicly. Glamour spoke to the best-selling novelist about her decision to open up, how public discourse about sexual assault has changed in the years since her attack, and what she hopes other victims of sexual assault can learn from her essay.

Glamour: What has the response to your Lenny essay been like?

Jessica Knoll: It's been completely overwhelming. I anticipated a bit of a response, but I didn't think that I would be parked in front of my computer and my phone since 7 A.M. this morning and still unable to answer everyone who's reached out to me.

__Glamour: You mentioned in the essay a woman that you met at a book event in New Jersey whose emotional response to the rape scene in Luckiest Girl Alive allowed you to share, for the first, something similar to what happened to Ani happened to you. How did this interaction affect you and make you want to share your story with the world? __

JK: That happened either the day of or the day after I had pitched the essay idea to Lenny. They were very supportive and very happy to work with me on it. It just happened that I had this book event and it just happened that someone asked me about it there. I had a moment where I was just going to give my usual B.S. response and I was like, This is what I'm trying to avoid doing. Just say it. Be forthcoming about it for once . And that was the first time I really came clean about how I was able to write that scene so accurately.

Glamour: What was it about Lenny that made you want to share your story?

JK: Lenny Letter was a place where I could speak and say what I had to say. I was able to be open and honest. I felt really comfortable sharing it in that space. They're so supportive of women and women's voices, and I knew that I would be really supported there.

Glamour: Do think victims of sexual assault are becoming more vocal and more open to sharing their stories with the public?

JK: I definitely do. It's part of the reason why I felt [comfortable doing so]. A lot of people tell me, "you're so brave," "you're so courageous," and I'm so grateful for someone to tell me that. It's so amazing to be told that, but I have to give credit where credit is due. I'm able to tell this story because a lot of women before me over the last couple years have stood up and told their own stories. They were the ones who were brave, they were the ones who were courageous first. It was a chain effect for me—one woman sharing her story led to another woman sharing her story. Eventually you get to a place where you're like, if they're doing it, I can do it too. Cases like [the Bill Cosby accusers speaking out] laid the groundwork for me to be able to feel comfortable telling my story.

Glamour: Do you think there is more of an awareness and understanding of sexual assault today than there has been in the past?

JK: A thousand percent, yes. I think it's night and day between what it was 17 years ago and what it is today. We're still not where we need to be but it's been a vast, vast improvement. I can speak to it today—I have maybe gotten one or two negative responses and everything else has been wholeheartedly supportive and full of warmth and love and respect. It far outweighs the naysayers out there.

__Glamour: In your essay you wrote, "If I were the victim of the other horrific crime in my book, I would talk about it openly. I wouldn't pretend like it hadn't happened." Why do you think many victims of sexual assault, unlike other crimes, are so afraid to speak out? __

JK: For me, I tried. I woke up in the morning and was like, This is not OK. Something bad has happened . That was all I could metabolize at that age with my limited understanding of what consent was and what rape was. All I know is that I felt like something very, very wrong had happened to me. I felt very violated. I expressed this to the doctor, I expressed this to my friends, I expressed this to my rapist, and everybody shut me down everywhere I turned.The message I ended up internalizing was, Sorry you feel really shitty but nothing bad happens here [in this town]. You've just got to deal with it now . I was so young I couldn't process what had happened. I knew I felt horrible and I knew it felt wrong to me. I called it rape even but everyone around me said "No, no, you're wrong." I felt like, OK, I guess I'm wrong. Everyone's telling me I'm wrong, I guess I'm wrong .

It really wasn't until I got to college and sought therapy for it that all the pieces started coming together. In college they give seminars about what consent was and how if you're drunk you can't legally consent. We started talking about it more and my initial instincts were right. I was raped. At the time I was completely shut down at every turn and that's why I didn't speak up about it at the time or didn't speak up more than I initially tried to. Because I did try.

Glamour: Do you wish you had pressed charges against your attackers?

JK: That's a difficult thing to think about. It's a double-edged sword. Looking back at the way everyone handled it, I don't regret not pressing charges because I think I would've been completely slaughtered. I don't think even the police would've taken me seriously. If a female doctor at a clinic didn't even take me seriously or didn't take my claims seriously...we know how the police tend to handle most of these claims. I don't think I would have had much of a shot at [a case] coming to fruition. That being said, it does haunt me to think about, well, I'm pretty sure one of these guys is a really bad egg and went on to do this to more women. If it could have stopped him in any way then yes, I wish had done it. I just don't think I would have gotten anywhere with it at the time.

Glamour: After publishing your essay, has anyone from your past reached out in support?

JK: Well, today I've gotten a lot of messages. [ Laughs. ] I think everyone was really young and people didn't know how to react or to respond to this. Some people did acknowledge that something bad had happened, like the two guys I write about in the essay. And I remember on Monday morning coming in and a girl I wasn't even friends with getting up from her desk and hugging me and asking me if I was OK. I think I even laughed and said, "Of course, I'm fine. What would be wrong?" Meanwhile I was splintered up inside. But yes, today I'm getting really nice messages of support from people from my past.

Glamour: Is there any other message you want to send beyond what you wrote in your essay to young women who have experienced sexual assault?

JK: What I've come to understand and what I've learned in therapy is that not talking about it is what makes it shameful. It's what makes it hard to heal from. That's why I'm talking about it. I don't have anything to be ashamed of—I'm not the one who did something wrong. I hope that other women hear that message and that message resonates with them. They don't have anything to be ashamed of and they're not alone. When I was younger, I felt so very alone and it was the worst feeling in the world. If I had read an essay like this when I was 15 years old, I would have held onto it with all my might. It would have given me so much encouragement at a time when I really needed it.

• <i>Luckiest Girl Alive</i> Author Says She Was Gang Raped in Lenny Letter Essay

Luckiest Girl Alive Author Says She Was Gang Raped in Lenny Letter Essay

A nyone who’s read the New York Times bestselling book Luckiest Girl Alive will remember the haunting chapter that reveals Ani FaNelli, the protagonist of the novel, was gang raped as a teen. In this week’s Lenny Letter , author Jessica Knoll writes that, while the book is a work of fiction, this particular aspect of it was inspired by one of her own experiences in high school.

“I know that before I was old enough to drive, I liked A Boy,” she writes in the powerful essay. “I know that I went to a party at which the ratio of guys to girls was not in my favor, where I drank, flirted with A Boy, was dazzled by A Boy, drank some more, and slipped away from the waking world. I know I came to on the floor of a bedroom, A Different Boy’s head between my legs. I remember A Different Boy from a flare of coherence earlier, trying to help me walk when my anesthetized legs failed me.”

She details waking up multiple times, each time to find a different boy taking advantage of her. She also says she awoke to find herself bleeding and in pain—but that, for a long time, she hesitated to label her experience as “rape.”

“I called it rape, once,” Knoll writes. “In a drunken confrontation with A Boy. The next day, terrified the herd might come after me even hungrier (trash slut had appeared on the inside of my locker just days before), I called A Boy and apologized. I apologized to my rapist for calling him a rapist. What a thing to live with.”

Read her entire essay over at Lenny Letter.

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One Lucky Girl: The Terrifying Truth Behind the Movie

A very lucky girl  has just arrived on Netflix and with that, has been catching the public’s attention. This led the film to quickly top the service’s TOP 10 in Brazil. Full of twists, Mike Barker is responsible for directing the thriller.

the plot of  A very lucky girl  revolves around Ani Fanelli, a successful journalist in New York. Ani is focused on a magazine for women. But her life changes dramatically when she is accused of being involved in a school shooting by her former classmate Dear Barton.

The truth is, Ani, who was previously raped by Dean and two of his friends, is trying to find a way to deal with the accusation. In addition, she needs to try to remove the trauma associated with the horrific gang rape.

The accounts presented in the film are extremely realistic, demonstrating Ani’s struggles and resilience. With that, fans began to question whether some point of  A very lucky girl  is inspired by a true story. As well, if there is any connection with Mila Kunis in real life. Well, here’s what we know.

Table of Contents

the real story of  a very lucky girl

Yup. We can say that a real story determined a large part of  A very lucky girl . It turns out that director Mike Barker created the film from the novel of the same name by Jessica Knoll. The novel, like the film, follows Ani’s struggles with the traumatic gang rape and school shooting.

Although both the novel and the film have a fictional part, they also contain a real account. The specific plot surrounding Ani’s gang rape is based on Jessica Knoll’s own experience as a teenager. Shortly after the novel was published, Knoll shared her real-life experience with Lena Dunham’s Lenny Letter.

Knoll was raped by three boys, as the author reports. Although she did not reveal their names, this act happened when she was 15 years old and took place during a party. In  A very lucky girl  we see this happening with Ani.

However, Knoll was never able to reveal the event to the next. After all, according to the writer, no one would call it rape. The writer stated:

“Like Ani, the only way I knew how to survive was to laugh out loud at my rapists’ jokes, talk softly to the mean girls, and focus on carving my tunnel out of there.”

Like the character, Knoll also migrated to New York, with the “right wardrobe, glamor work and a ring on her finger before she turned 28.” Like the protagonist of “ A very lucky girl “, who works for The Women’s Bible, Knoll worked for Cosmopolitan. But, all these transformations were not able to erase from them the horrors of her experience:

“The first person to tell me I was gang-raped was a therapist, seven years after the fact.”

A very lucky girl  materialized the Knoll experience

The novel came at a time when Knoll wanted to lighten his real-life experience. To EW, the author stated:

“I’ve always felt this burning need to get this story off my chest somehow.”

Of course, Knoll doesn’t originate the entire story of the film. In fact, this is the reason why, Knoll says that it is not a “memoir”. After all, the story of the school shooting is fictional. But, Knoll made it clear that he described it realistically, after all, he remembered the various school shootings that took place across the country.

While he doesn’t limit the narrative to his real-life experience, Knoll manages to explore the challenges faced by teenage students. Therefore, the author was realistic due to the tragic occurrences of school shootings.

Changes from the book

Despite  a very lucky girl  being an adaptation, several changes to the script were made. Including, many of them, by the Knoll itself. The book ends with a confession, and the movie goes beyond that. In real life, after Knoll’s revelation, several people sought her out.

According to the author, similar cases were reported and this influenced the writer and Mila Kunis to write a new ending.

“At some point I remember saying that when I wrote my essay for Lenny Letter, I was inundated with messages from women sharing their stories. That unlocked something in us [Knoll e Kunis] where we were, maybe there’s a way to use that to shape our ending.”

Image: Disclosure/Netflix

not end of  A very lucky girl , the journeys of the character and the writer are similar. Especially, after the publication of his interview with Lenny Letter.

“It’s true that it’s a fictional story, a fictional character, but there are even more elements inspired by my real life. I like that we look back at the year that followed me writing the book and writing my essay and the reaction to it and going on a TV show to talk about it. I enjoyed incorporating that into the film because I think it makes for a more epic journey that Ani continues on.”

So you watched  a very lucky girl ?

I’m sure you’ll like it too:>Manifest: What did Cal see from the plane window?

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Why Luckiest Girl Alive Is Sparking New Discussions on Trauma

Author Jessica Knoll details the intensely personal journey of translating her best-selling novel for the screen.

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Jessica Knoll’s 2015 novel, Luckiest Girl Alive, grabbed readers’ attention with its sharp-tongued narrator, Ani FaNelli, a magazine editor and social climber determined to break free from her shadowy past. Fans included Reese Witherspoon, who snapped up the movie rights before it went on to become one of the best-selling fiction debuts of that year. Then in 2016, Knoll published a frank essay on Lenny Letter disclosing that some of the most harrowing events from her lead character’s traumatic backstory were drawn from her own experience as a teenager.

With this week’s release of Luckiest Girl Alive on Netflix, Knoll is reflecting on the novel’s winding journey to the screen. Determined to keep creative control of this incredibly personal story, Knoll managed to retain sole writing credit on the film adaptation and also served as an executive producer. But it was an uphill battle after the initial production deal fell apart. “There were many times over the last seven years where I was like, it had a good run. Something else I’ll write one day will get made, but it’s just not going to be this. It’s just too hard,” Knoll recalls thinking. The project came together again when Mila Kunis agreed to take on the lead role, a raw depiction of a guarded woman shaped by violence, ready to deceive in order to thrive, but yearning to show her authentic self.

Now 38 and living in L.A., Knoll speaks with BAZAAR.com about the many parts of her own life that found their way into Luckiest Girl Alive , and how her years as a magazine editor in New York City prepared her for Hollywood (“It just gave me the sharpest elbows”).

What finally fell into place to get this movie made after the initial deal fell through?

Netflix was the one that said, “We want you to go to Mila Kunis.” I remember our director, Mike [Barker] saying, in his British accent, “That feels dangerous and sexy.” I was a little like, “Yeah, this would be amazing, obviously, but she’s going to turn it down. … These huge actresses, for whatever reason, are not into this role. It’s too dangerous, too unlikable. You need someone who’s hungrier than a Mila Kunis.” Then she read the script and was like, “This is really cool and kind of weird, and I’m in.” And I was just on the ground! I couldn’t believe it.

The movie really dissects Ani FaNelli’s anxieties and coping mechanisms as she prepares for her dream wedding. Seeing it on the screen now, does anything about the character strike you in a new way?

Definitely the eating stuff is really a shift for me, perspective-wise, in terms of how I thought about that character. Also how much of my own issues around eating were embedded in that character. Around 2020, when we were editing the script with Mila as a creative producer, I was returning to my book a lot to pull out different passages. It was pretty amazing because I had, at that point, sought treatment for disordered eating, which I clearly was suffering from when I wrote the book.

When I would read Ani’s obsession with food and working out and being thin, I was just like, “I cannot believe that I used to be like that.” I’ve just moved into such a more peaceful place. So I think when I see that onscreen and see her worrying about how she looks and how much she eats and fitting into her wedding dress, the bingeing and trying to hide it from people—which is also something I used to do—I’m really struck by how much I was suffering. And I think when you are , you don’t realize it. You’re like, “No, it’s just my life. Everything’s fine.” And then, you get better and you look back, and you’re like, “Wow, I wasn’t doing too well back then.”

In the latter half of the movie, there’s a flashback where young Ani is on a field trip to New York City and encounters a stylish woman who “cut a path through New York City simply because she looked like she had more important places to be than anyone else.” Young Ani makes the goal to become like that woman. You spent years in New York as a magazine editor. What did you want to capture about that world?

For me personally growing up, I was obsessed with magazines. I had every magazine, I had Jane, I had Allure, I had Cosmo. I had all of them. I think I still have so many old copies at my parents’ house. As someone who was suffering and in a lot of pain in the place that she was in, magazines were escapism for me. I loved reading about these career women and their lives. There’s a meme that’s blowing up right now about how women’s magazines really convinced a lot of people that going “day to night” was going to be a big part of their lives. And I remember, yes, that’s what I felt when I would read them.

Like, “Oh, my God, these women have these crazy, cool lives. I want that. I want to be one of these women. I want to wear high heels. I want to work 10 hours a day, and then go out to dinner.”… And magazines allowed me to envision a life for myself where I was powerful and respected and smart. Those were not the things that I was when I was in high school reading them. When I got to New York, it was honestly everything I dreamed it would be when I was a little kid.

There’s a key relationship between Ani and her editor in chief, Lolo, played by Jennifer Beals. They work at the very Cosmo -like publication The Women’s Bible. What was your experience in a largely female work environment like that?

I don’t think it’s any great surprise to anyone to hear that working with a lot of women can be treacherous at certain points. But there’s something about that world that it just gave me the sharpest elbows. It truly did. I felt like it was boot camp for the world.

In writing this script—or any script that I’ve worked on—the notes documents are insane. They are coming from all the different producers. Then the studio people. Then if the actress is a producer, they have their own set of notes. And this is on every single draft you write, every single scene that you’ve already written 30 different times. … People would say to me, “As a writer, what we respect about you the most is that you’re really good about taking notes. You don’t complain, and you find the ones that you know are good, and you find ways to work with them while still remaining true to your voice.” I realized, it’s because of women’s magazines. It really prepared me well for this world. That’s what it takes to get a good piece of writing. You have to be able to take criticism.

Are there any moments from production with these cast members that have stayed with you?

We filmed partly in Toronto and partly in New York. Once we got to New York, I realized how special it was to have been in Toronto, because the paparazzi in New York around Mila was so intense that she couldn’t go anywhere, which I just didn’t expect. But in Toronto, we could all go out to dinners and get drinks and hang out like coworkers.

The thing that was the most fun was being on a set. It was like, these are your coworkers. You go to happy hour after and you’re having a dirty martini with Connie Britton and talking about the new moisturizers that you guys like, all of those things.

The next question contains a few spoilers. Near the end of the movie, there’s a scene where Ani’s on the subway, surrounded by people who have read an essay that she wrote. They’re feeling very seen by her frank account of rape and its aftermath. It’s not a scene from the book. It seems drawn more from the similar essay that you wrote for Lenny Letter. How did that scene develop?

It is definitely drawn from real life. We set the film in 2015, when the book came out, because it was important that it was pre-Me Too. Because it wasn’t yet commonplace for women to write these essays. We didn’t know yet if the world was ready to embrace them in kind. … Some of the things those women are saying [in the subway scene] are pulled from all the various messages that I got from women the day my essay came out.

One thing what we wanted to do in the movie was move past this idea that it was just about Ani and her experience and how it affected her. We wanted to show that this was more epic. That it was bigger than her, this story and what she had learned from it. That there were so many women out there who could connect with it. … While we were talking about how to accomplish that, I was in New York and I was in my hotel room, and there were only a couple of TV channels that worked. And First Wives Club was on. Love it, seen it a million times, obviously. In that movie, the women get to this point where they’re like, “Okay, we’ve gotten our revenge, but it still doesn’t feel good enough. It still doesn’t feel like we’re doing enough for our friend, Cynthia. How can we turn this into something more?” And from there, they opened the center in honor of their friend who died, and they’re helping other women. It was that moment where things suddenly clicked—I saw how this other movie did this similar thing, how powerful it was, and we figured it out from there.

For Ani, a lot of the novel is about the true shift in her perspective that happens after she discloses what happened to her. During the movie’s ending credits, viewers are directed to a website called wannatalkaboutit.com . How do you see the film as part of the conversation about the resources that rape and assault survivors could benefit from?

I think, clearly, we don’t do enough to support people in this country, although things have massively improved since I was a teenager. The biggest surprise for me when I wrote my essay was not just how many women I didn’t know who reached out to me, but how many women I did know who had a story. What I would hope to see is more moments like that, where the movie becomes a catalyst for someone turning to their partner of five, 10, 50 years and saying, “I have to get this off my chest finally,” because it’s a real unburdening when you can do that. And it’s a big step toward healing and growth.

Luckiest Girl Alive: A Novel

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Carl Kelsch is the managing editor of Harper's Bazaar and Oprah Daily. Apart from interviewing today's most inspiring content creators for Hearst, he is also a screenwriter and filmmaker.

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Jessica Knoll reveals gang rape in new essay

In Lenny Letter, Jessica Knoll writes that the events in her best-selling novel happened to her.

Author Jessica Knoll made a splash last May when she released Luckiest Girl Alive , a dark, twisted book about successful, 28-year-old TifAni Fanelli who has a secret boiling under the surface. Lionsgate bought the rights to the novel before it had even debuted and Reese Witherspoon is set to produce the film version. Now, in a new essay for Lena Dunham’s Lenny Letter, Knoll has come out to say that one of the harrowing events depicted in the book, a gang rape, actually happened to her.

“You probably didn’t realize you had acknowledged what happened to me when you acknowledged what happened to Ani, partially because I’ve never publicly discussed that flashpoint in my life and partially because Luckiest Girl Alive is not a memoir or even a roman à clef,” Knoll wrote.

The author says she chose to speak out about her experience now, as she’s about to embark on the paperback book tour to support the book. “I’ve come to a simple, powerful revelation: everyone is calling it rape now,” she wrote. There’s no reason to cover my head. There’s no reason I shouldn’t say what I know.”

Knoll goes on to describe the events that took place when she was 15, and the after-effects of one night at a party. “From then on, I submitted to my assigned narrative,” she wrote. “What was the point in raising my voice when all it got me was my own lonely echo? Like Ani, the only way I knew to survive was to laugh loudly at my rapists’ jokes, speak softly to the mean girls, and focus on chiseling my tunnel out of there.”

In the essay, Knoll reveals the first time she acknowledged that Ani’s story came from a deep place within was when a reader asked her if she had interviewed a rape victim. “‘Something similar to what happened to Ani happened to me,’ I responded for the first time ever, and she grabbed my wrist and held it tight, blinking tears, while I smiled brightly, insisting in a foreign falsetto, ‘I’m fine! It’s fine!'”

In introducing Knoll’s piece, Dunham wrote that her first reaction to reading the essay was “gratitude.”

“The experience of reading this piece was a bittersweet one for me. Bitter because of the pain of recognizing, in Jessica, a woman who has been forced for too long to bury the truth of her own experience, hiding it under a façade of apologies and feigned chill,” Dunham wrote. “But also sweet — powerfully, thrillingly sweet — in that she has expressed it now, with such generous and poetic honesty. In telling her own story, Jessica makes way for so many still untold. In turning her writerly gifts to this topic, she emancipates an army of experiences and gives survivors back their voices. I know, deep in my bones, that this piece has the power to change lives and I am honored that Lenny gets to share it.”

See the whole essay by subscribing to Lenny Letter .

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A blog by Parnassus Books

Luckiest girl alive author jessica knoll opens up and moves forward.

• by parnassusmusing
• Posted on April 13, 2016

Luckiest Girl Alive  came out a year ago, but it keeps coming up in conversation: among customers in our fiction section, among readers online, and in the news. If you haven’t read it yet, now’s the perfect time to grab a copy in paperback.

The captivating thriller about a woman coming to terms with a violent event from her past grabbed readers’ attention when it was released last year, becoming an instant bestseller and one of the summer’s biggest beach reads (and one of our staff picks ). It also caught the eye of Nashville’s own Reese Witherspoon, who optioned the book for film even before it hit bookstore shelves.

Then last month, author Jessica Knoll unveiled a personal truth she had been keeping hidden. The assault she described in the book didn’t just happen to her character, Ani FaNelli — something very much like it happened to Knoll herself in high school. Knoll published the essay “What I Know: Why I’m Coming Clean about the Real Rape Informing My Novel” in Lena Dunham’s Lenny Letter, and her revelation set off a new conversation among assault survivors, who thanked her for opening up about how traumas of the past affect the present. She wrote:

I know that I made the mistake of thinking that living well is the best revenge. That I figured out, eventually, that the appearance of living well is not the same thing as actually living well. And even if it were, revenge does not beget healing. Healing will come when I snuff out the shame, when I rip the shroud off the truth.

Knoll will be here with us in Nashville next Sunday, April 17, at 2 p.m. at the store, and we hope you’ll join us to discuss the book and celebrate its paperback release. Meanwhile, she answered a few questions for Musing .

How are plans coming along for the film adaptation of Luckiest Girl Alive ?

Knoll: The script is finished and approved by Lionsgate. My part is done, for now, so I’m just as curious to see what happens next as everybody else!

Will you write more fiction?

Knoll: I’m working on a second novel that is slated to come out in spring 2017 and I’m also writing another screenplay. I will be adapting Wendy Walker’s All Is Not Forgotten , which comes out this summer.

What went through your mind the morning Lenny Letter published your essay? 

Knoll: I was excited for the essay to come out because for the first time in my life, I felt strong and supported regarding this experience. It’s a complete departure from how I felt seventeen years ago, and it was very empowering.

I’m curious about how much you’ve seen of readers’ reaction to the essay. Do you typically avoid looking at comments online or do you engage with readers?

Knoll: It would be irresponsible of me to put this essay out there and not respond to those who took the time to tell me they supported me, or that they could relate to me because they had been through something similar. My goal is to respond to every single person who has reached out to me. It’s going to take some time, but it’s really important to me to make sure everyone feels heard, respected, and supported, because so many people have done that for me over the last few weeks.

You wrote at the end of your letter, “I’m not fine. It’s not fine. But it’s finally the truth, it’s what I know, and that’s a start.” I know book tour can be both invigorating and draining, in different ways. Does it help to be out talking to people on tour, or do you find that stressful?

Knoll: I’m a little bit on autopilot right now. I have to be to revisit this part of my life daily, and to get through this next month, and that’s okay. I took on the responsibility of reliving this by writing about it. I try and take some moments to sit and cry, to let myself feel it, and then I pick myself up and get back to business. This will all be waiting for me to work through when I get home in May.

Knoll: Growing up, I very much identified with The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I have never struggled with depression, but I could identify with Esther, who was suffering, and who felt very alone.

You’ve got a lot going on these days. What’s your best busy-person tip?

Knoll: I do my best to respond to an email as soon as I read it. If I know I can’t respond to it in the moment I don’t open it until I know I have the time to do so. If I read it and don’t respond to it, it occupies space in my brain and leaks my energy.

Greatest writing advice you’ve ever received from the editors and mentors you’ve worked with?

Knoll: The best writing advice I ever received was better done than perfect . Writers have a tendency to be too precious about their writing. This is something Tina Fey has said too—if you wait for it to be perfect, no one will ever read it.

And as always, we love to know: What are you reading?

Knoll: The Paying Guests by Sarah Waters!

Luckiest Girl Alive

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'This has been a whirlwind week': Novelist who revealed her life was inspiration for best-selling book about gang rape says she's been inundated with support

• Jessica Knoll published best-selling book Luckiest Girl Alive last May 
• It follows Ani who remains haunted after being gang-raped as a freshman
• Last week Knoll revealed the story was based on her own experience  
• Described going to a party and being abused by three boys before she was 'old enough to drive' in an emotional essay in Lena Dunham's newsletter
• The 32-year-old said her life has been a 'whirlwind' since speaking out
• Until now she'd been 'running, ducking and dodging, because I'm scared'    
• Since then she's been inundated with support from fans on social media as well as Girls actress Dunham

By Hannah Parry For Dailymail.com

Published: 05:33 BST, 7 April 2016 | Updated: 16:31 BST, 7 April 2016

View comments

Best-selling author Jessica Knoll says her life has been a 'whirlwind' since she revealed she was gang-raped by three boys when she was a teenager.

Her book Luckiest Girl Alive, published last May, follows the story of Ani, a 28-year-old magazine writer who remains haunted after being gang-raped while a freshman in high school.

On March 29, Knoll, now 32, revealed in an emotional essay in Lena Dunham's newsletter, that her protagonist's fate was not 'inspiration' but had in fact derived from her own past.

Since her brave decision to talk about her own harrowing experience, the writer says she has been inundated with support. 'This has been, to put it mildly, a whirlwind week,' she told a gathering of fans at a Barnes & Noble bookshop.

Best-selling author Jessica Knoll says her life has been a 'whirlwind' since she revealed she was gang-raped by three boys when she was a teenager 

She told the crowd that the experience had brought to mind a quote by W.H. Auden, 'Art is born of humiliation.'

'This book was born of my humiliation,' she added. 'This book is my pain, and this book is my power, after years of powerlessness.'

Luckiest Girl Alive caught the attention not just of the general public but of Reese Witherspoon, who is producing a planned film adaptation, with Knoll writing the screenplay.

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Parallels between Knoll's life and the heroine of her novel, Ani were clear from the start.

Both grew up in the suburbs, attended private school in Philadelphia and worked in magazines. Knoll, a former editor at Cosmopolitan who was also 28 when she wrote the book, even hinted at her past in the book's dedication.

It reads: 'To all the TifAni FaNellis of the world, I know.'

But the author said she was not ready to fully admit what happened to her as the inspiration for her book until recently. 

In her essay, Knoll said she and Ani, the protagonist of her novel Luckiest Girl Alive (pictured) shared a similar past. Ani is a 28-year-old magazine writer who remains haunted after being raped as a freshman in high school

'I've been running and I've been ducking and I've been dodging because I'm scared,' Knoll wrote on Lena Dunham's website LennyLetter.com  on March 29.

In her essay, titled Why I'm Telling The Truth About My Rape, Knoll recalled being raped by three boys at a party, before she was 'old enough to drive'.

She said she liked one of them, whom she called A Boy in the essay.

'I know that I went to a party at which the ratio of guys to girls was not in my favor, where I drank, flirted with A Boy, was dazzled by A Boy, drank some more, and slipped away from the waking world,' Knoll wrote.

'I know I came to on the floor of a bedroom, A Different Boy's head between my legs. I remember A Different Boy from a flare of coherence earlier, trying to help me walk when my anesthetized legs failed me.'

She then described waking up in pain later on and seeing A Boy's shoulders 'rising and falling' above her in an 'excruciating rhythm'.

Knoll said she woke up the next morning and saw a bare back, which belonged to a third boy, whom she didn't like.

Knoll (pictured with her husband), who is now in her thirties and has been married for three years, said she once wanted to reinvent herself. But now, she believes the way to heal is to tell the truth about what happened

'He laughed about how hungover he was, how crazy the party had been, how the reason I couldn't find my underwear was because it was downstairs,' she wrote.

She described going to get the morning-after pill and being called 'a slut' by classmates.

Knoll confronted A Boy about her rape once but later apologized to him out of fear the boys would go after her again.

'I apologized to my rapist for calling him a rapist. What a thing to live with,' she wrote.

She said she went into survivor mode and waited until the end of high school to reinvent herself.

But Knoll, who has been married for three years, now believes the way to heal is to tell the truth about what happened to her.

She had previously disclosed the truth to only one reader, the day she pitched her Lenny Letter essay.

A woman approached Knoll at a book signing in New Jersey, asking if Knoll had interviewed a rape victim as her account of the even felt so real.

Knoll told her something similar to Ani's experience had happened to her.

After keeping her rape a secret for years, Knoll said on Twitter she was proud of having broken her silence and never thought she would feel this way

Dunham, who has written about being raped as a college student in her 2014 memoir Not That Kinda Girl, said in Tuesday's newsletter: 'I take tremendous comfort in imagining an alternate universe in which 20-year-old me reads this essay, is able to identify herself as a victim of sexual assault, and saves herself years of self-laceration.'

Dozens of readers praised her essay on Twitter on Tuesday morning, calling it brave, important and breathtaking.

Knoll told one of them: 'I feel proud to talk about this which I never thought I would say.' 

At the gathering at Barnes & Noble on Wednesday, part of her book tour, she read a brief passage from the novel about Ani's determination to leave high school behind.

To the author's relief, she received few questions about her essay from the crowd.

'I do want to talk about the essay, but I don't want it to drown out the book,' she said after the reading. 'I think it was a good balance tonight.'

One attendee, Elizabeth Blanchard, said that she had bought 'Luckiest Girl Alive' when it first came out and that Knoll's essay intensified her feelings about it.

'It makes it more personal,' the 24-year-old Blanchard said. 'To learn about what she went through takes the book to a different level.'

Share or comment on this article: Jessica Knoll's life a 'whirlwind' since essay about gang rape

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Bob's Ray of Sunshine

Spreading positivity one blog post at a time., lenny letter: a new layer of the feminism movement and more.

Today, I want to focus this blog on the vast positive nature provided to the internet masses by the nearly year-old Lenny Letter.

The Lenny Letter logo.

(Photo courtesy of Lennyletter.com).

Launched in September of last year, Lenny Letter was the brainchild of “Girls” creator Lena Dunham along with her writing partner Jenni Konner.  The letter is designed to be sent daily as an email newsletter to subscribers in an effort to bring back the what was once thought to be archaic and aforementioned format of experimental email letters.

This is a great idea because it is similar to reading a magazine and, therefore, gives each reader their own individual experience.

Since its launch, Lenny Letter has proven to be a powerhouse of a newsletter, with its inaugural edition featuring a lengthy Dunham-helmed interview with former First Lady-turned-Former Secretary of State-turned 2016 Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

In the wake of that, Lenny Letter has dedicated itself to providing a plto a wide array of voices and, subsequently, been at the forefront of pertinent issues such as the feminism movement, political commentary, gender inequality, gender stereotypes, remaining true to yourself, empowerment, and given an outlet to author Jessica Knoll by allowing her the freedom to reveal that she had been gang-raped as a teen in a poignant Lenny Letter essay.

(Photo courtesy of time.com).

A remarkable positive about Lenny Letter is jack of all trades actress and director Gillan Jacobs’ Lenny Letter reflecting on her upbringing as an only child going through life learning how to “become” herself.  Here is a two-paragraph excerpt:

“Growing up, I was always more comfortable with adults than kids my own age. I was an only child, my single mother worked long hours, and I spent a lot of time hanging out with much older people. My best friends were my babysitter Mrs. Stobie and my neighbor Mr. McShane, both of whom were in their 60s. We played Rack-O (great game, by the way) and listened to NPR. They encouraged my love of Shakespeare and George Bernard Shaw; my interest in the past was cute and precocious to them but bizarre to my peers. Two girls dropped me as their best friend in elementary school because I was dead weight — you’d never become popular with me hanging around. But what my classmates thought of me was less important. Pleasing adults made me feel safe and secure; my parents divorced when I was two, and I sometimes felt more like a mediator than their child. When it was calm with them, it was calm for me. “

“This translated beautifully into my passion for theater. Directors and stage managers loved my desire to be obedient and cooperative. Showing up on time, learning your lines, being quiet backstage, and remembering basic stage blocking get you a lot of praise. I developed close mentor relationships with acting teachers and directors, and the theater was my safe zone. People were nice to me there, and acting came naturally.”

This is relatable for me, in particular, because I have always gotten along with adults and am naturally cooperative as a result of growing up around my mother, step-father, and a close-knit neighborhood with a few select, close friends to boot.  I am sure this is relatable for others as well.

(Photo courtesy of zap2it.com).

Academy-Award winning actress Jennifer Lawrence wrote a pertinent essay for Lenny Letter on gender inequality regarding the pay grade.  Below is her piece.

“It’s hard for me to speak about my experience as a working woman because I can safely say my problems aren’t exactly relatable. When the Sony hack happened and I found out how much less I was being paid than the lucky people with dicks, I didn’t get mad at Sony. I got mad at myself. I failed as a negotiator because I gave up early. I didn’t want to keep fighting over millions of dollars that, frankly, due to two franchises, I don’t need. (I told you it wasn’t relatable, don’t hate me).”

“But if I’m honest with myself, I would be lying if I didn’t say there was an element of wanting to be liked that influenced my decision to close the deal without a real fight. I didn’t want to seem “difficult” or “spoiled.” At the time, that seemed like a fine idea, until I saw the payroll on the Internet and realized every man I was working with definitely didn’t worry about being “difficult” or “spoiled.” This could be a young-person thing. It could be a personality thing. I’m sure it’s both. But this is an element of my personality that I’ve been working against for years, and based on the statistics, I don’t think I’m the only woman with this issue. Are we socially conditioned to behave this way? We’ve only been able to vote for what, 90 years? I’m seriously asking — my phone is on the counter and I’m on the couch, so a calculator is obviously out of the question. Could there still be a lingering habit of trying to express our opinions in a certain way that doesn’t “offend” or “scare” men?”

“A few weeks ago at work, I spoke my mind and gave my opinion in a clear and no-bullshit way; no aggression, just blunt. The man I was working with (actually, he was working for me) said, “Whoa! We’re all on the same team here!” As if I was yelling at him. I was so shocked because nothing that I said was personal, offensive, or, to be honest, wrong. All I hear and see all day are men speaking their opinions, and I give mine in the same exact manner, and you would have thought I had said something offensive.”

“I’m over trying to find the “adorable” way to state my opinion and still be likable! Fuck that. I don’t think I’ve ever worked for a man in charge who spent time contemplating what angle he should use to have his voice heard. It’s just heard. Jeremy Renner, Christian Bale, and Bradley Cooper all fought and succeeded in negotiating powerful deals for themselves. If anything, I’m sure they were commended for being fierce and tactical, while I was busy worrying about coming across as a brat and not getting my fair share. Again, this might have NOTHING to do with my vagina, but I wasn’t completely wrong when another leaked Sony email revealed a producer referring to a fellow lead actress in a negotiation as a “spoiled brat.” For some reason, I just can’t picture someone saying that about a man.”

I love the no-holds-barred way that Lawrence projects on screen and I’m glad that she is the same way off-screen.  She is so honest in her essay in a way that is uncanny and, honestly, refreshing to hear.  There definitely is an unnecessary double standard when men and women speak their minds.  It is shameful.  No woman is being offensive when she gives a strong opinion.

Don’t worry, people.  There is always open-minded people out there who will hear your voice and pay attention.  The wage gap between men and women is despicable. I have always thought that men and women are equally qualified in the work force and they should be recognized as all the more equal when they receive a paycheck for the same work.  The gap will decrease over time.  Jennifer Lawrence is right.  With talk comes change and she is incredible.  Lawrence is doing her part to help enact that change.

I’ll let you check out Jessica Knoll’s Lenny Letter essay, “On Not Being a Victim”, for yourself.  It is too long to post here and it is an essay that I would not be doing justice by simply posting a brief excerpt without the necessity of the reader experiencing the essay in full.

It is definitely worthy of checking out.

My Ray of Sunshine for today is…

Lena Dunham and Jenni Konner have created a tremendously positive and wonderful space that allows for open dialogue in a friendly environment comprised of open-minded readers who welcome discourse and frank discussions that give readers the ability to identify themselves with Lenny Letter authors and, let alone, the subjects at hand of essays that need to be at the forefront of our world.

 Essays that delve into the soul of a being help open the floodgates to discussion and, thereby, prevent the self-laceration of readers who identify with what they read.

Lenny Letter provides a voice to the voiceless, in a sense, amongst a community filled with compassionate and open hearts.

Lenny Letter allows change to occur when pertinent issues such as the wage gap and sexual assault are the focus of content.

Lenny Letter is current and revolutionary in a nostalgic way via the medium that it uses to reach readers.

With every “letter” that is opened in your inbox, we should all have endless gratitude for its existence.

Lena and Jenni, you guys are remarkable for all you do with television as well as writing.

I am absolutely delighted that Lenny Letter is getting the respect and recognition that it deserves from men and so many other people in the public.  It will have a profound impact and influence.  It already is.  Mad love.

Subscribe to Lenny Letter by going to LennyLetter.com and watch your email for the newsletter twice a week!

Spread the love always, people.

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Lena Dunham and Jenni Konner Say Goodbye to Lenny

Dearest Lennys,

When we began plotting Lenny almost four years ago, we were casually referring to this venture as our cool older sister — someone who’s been there, done that, someone who’s learned from her successes and her failures. But this newsletter has grown way beyond that dream. It was our dearest hope that we could create a space where new voices were safe to speak, and speak loudly. But we didn’t create that.

What you have created — a fiercely passionate community of dedicated readers, writers, and artists — is more than we ever could have asked for. Because, of course, Lenny IS you: (8), (2), (3), (4), (5) who shared her words here.

Excuse the nostalgia — we’re looking back today because this is Lenny’s final chapter.

In the three years since we began, the Internet has opened up for underrepresented writers in ways we wouldn’t have predicted or believed from our 2015 bunker. It was an honor to be part of that brigade, and we can’t wait to see how those who forged that path keep holding space after Lenny is gone.

While there’s no one reason for our closure, this change allows for growth and a shift in perspectives — ours and yours. But can we ask one favor? Please, continue to push forward the voices that need a platform, the untold stories that deserve to be heard, the diversity that the publishing industry claims to value but has never mastered.

And know (and we know you do!) that, as powerful as storytelling is, it’s only half the work. What comes after is equally important. Real change-making takes work, and part of that work will come this November. There is nothing more critical to counteracting the daily devastation of the current regime than the midterm elections. Knock on strangers’ doors, drive people (9), host a postcard-writing party (6), canvas at Taylor Swift concerts. Do whatever it takes.

From endings there inevitably come new beginnings, so in today’s issue, we’re focusing on rebirth. Our own Lenny editors bring you three tales of communities that are refusing to self-destruct and building up instead, from racism, oppression, and climate change, to turn challenges into opportunities:

—Kaitlyn Greenidge (7) who are fighting against the maternal health crisis for black women.

—Tahirah Hairston (10) to learn how marine biologists are using in-vitro fertilization to save our coral reefs.

—And Kristine Mar (1) that prison-re-entry programs like Atlanta’s Freedom Overground provide for formerly incarcerated LGBTQ people.

We want to thank the three remarkable women above, and everyone who has brought Lenny to life, including the core queens (and one king) Jessica Grose, Ben Cooley, Laia Garcia, Doreen St. Félix, Dianca London Potts, Mikki Halpin, Liz Watson …

And mostly, truly, our readers — thank you for letting us hitch our apple wagon to your star. We trust that Lenny’s mission to amplify unheard voices and the complexities of the female experience will roar even louder inside (and outside) each of you. We’ll be keeping our ears to the shell for the sound of your plans in action.

Love always,

Lena Dunham, co-founder Jenni Konner, co-founder Molly Elizalde, editorial and creative director

1) (https://lennyletter.com/story/stacey-abrams-bright-future-of-american-politics) 2) (https://swingleft.org/) 3) (https://lennyletter.com/story/saving-coral-reefs) 4) (https://lennyletter.com/story/birthing-justice) 5) (https://lennyletter.com/story/building-a-lifeline) 6) (https://lennyletter.com/story/play-like-a-girl) 7) (https://lennyletter.com/story/jane-fonda-my-convoluted-journey-to-feminism) 8) (https://lennyletter.com/story/old-flame) 9) (https://lennyletter.com/story/ibtihaj-muhammad) 10) (https://votefwd.org/)

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Lenny letter jessica knoll, what i know lenny lenny letter.

Web December 8 2017 0 52312 The first person to tell me I was gang raped was a therapist seven years after the fact The second was my literary agent five years later only she wasn t talking about me She was talking about Ani the protagonist of my novel 1 which is a work of fiction

Jessica Knoll On The True Story That Inspired Luckiest Girl Alive , Web Oct 7 2022 nbsp 0183 32 At first Knoll attested the bestselling debut was fiction but then wrote an essay for Lenny Letter in 2016 explaining the biographical resonances I always feel a little undeserving of

Luckiest Girl Alive Author Jessica Knoll Says She Was Raped Time

Web Mar 29 2016 nbsp 0183 32 In this week s Lenny Letter author Jessica Knoll writes that while the book is a work of fiction this particular aspect of it was inspired by one of her own experiences in high school

The True Story Behind Luckiest Girl Alive According To Author , Web Oct 10 2022 nbsp 0183 32 Then in 2016 Knoll published a frank essay on Lenny Letter disclosing that some of the most harrowing events from her lead character s traumatic backstory were drawn from her own experience

Jessica Knoll Wrote Her Own Trauma Into Vanity Fair

Jessica Knoll Wrote Her Own Trauma Into Vanity Fair, Web Oct 6 2022 nbsp 0183 32 The book captivated audiences when it first debuted but Knoll revealed her personal connection to the material in 2016 when she wrote an essay for Lena Dunham s now defunct publication Lenny

Luckiest Girl Alive Author On Her Decision To Reveal Her Rape In

Luckiest Girl Alive Author On Her Decision To Reveal Her Rape In Web Mar 29 2016 nbsp 0183 32 In a gut wrenching essay published Tuesday in Lena Dunham s Lenny Letter best selling author Jessica Knoll revealed that she was a victim of gang rape as a teenager Like Knoll the

Jessica Knoll Auteur Van De Internationale Bestseller Het Gelukkigste

Jessica Grose Lenny Letter Jessica Alicia Keys Lettering Discuss

Web Oct 8 2022 nbsp 0183 32 In March 2016 Knoll wrote an essay for the online feminist newsletter Lenny Letter titled What I Know about the fact that Ani s gang rape was based on her own traumatic experience at age The Novel And Story Behind Luckiest Girl Alive Time. Web Mar 29 2016 nbsp 0183 32 In an essay published in Lena Dunham s Lenny Letter Knoll opens up for the first time about the devastating experience that continues to haunt her explaining why she kept it hidden for so many Web Mar 29 2016 nbsp 0183 32 In today s Lenny Letter Knoll explains that she was gang raped as a teenager just like her book s main character TifAni FaNelli Her essay touches on the bullying she experienced after the fact

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