i am satisfied with myself essay

What is Self-Esteem? A Psychologist Explains

What is the Meaning of Self-Esteem in Psychology? Definition, examples, research, books, tips, facts, tests, TED-talks and more...

“Believe in yourself.”

That is the message that we encounter constantly, in books, television shows, superhero comics, and common myths and legends.

We are told that we can accomplish anything if we believe in ourselves.

Of course, we know that to be untrue; we cannot accomplish anything in the world simply through belief—if that were true, a lot more children would be soaring in the skies above their garage roof instead of lugging around a cast for a few weeks!

However, we know that believing in yourself and accepting yourself for who you are is an important factor in success, relationships, and happiness and that self-esteem plays an important role in living a flourishing life . It provides us with belief in our abilities and the motivation to carry them out, ultimately reaching fulfillment as we navigate life with a positive outlook.

Various studies have confirmed that self-esteem has a direct relationship with our overall wellbeing, and we would do well to keep this fact in mind—both for ourselves and for those around us, particularly the developing children we interact with.

Before you read on, we thought you might like to download our three Self-Compassion Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will not only help you show more compassion to yourself but will also give you the tools to enhance the self-compassion of your clients, students or employees and lead them to a healthy sense of self-esteem.

This Article Contains:

What is the Meaning of Self-esteem? A Definition

Self-Esteem and Psychology

Incorporating self-esteem in positive psychology, 22 examples of high self-esteem, 18 surprising statistics and facts about self-esteem, relevant research, can we help boost self-esteem issues with therapy and counseling, the benefits of developing self-esteem with meditation, can you test self-esteem, and what are the problems with assessment, 17 factors that influence self-esteem, the effects of social media, 30 tips & affirmations for enhancing self-esteem, popular books on self-esteem (pdf), ted talks and videos on self-esteem, 15 quotes on self-esteem, a take-home message, what is the meaning of self-esteem.

You probably already have a good idea, but let’s start from the beginning anyway: what is self-esteem?

Self-esteem refers to a person’s overall sense of his or her value or worth. It can be considered a sort of measure of how much a person “values, approves of, appreciates, prizes, or likes him or herself” (Adler & Stewart, 2004).

According to self-esteem expert Morris Rosenberg, self-esteem is quite simply one’s attitude toward oneself (1965). He described it as a “favourable or unfavourable attitude toward the self”.

Various factors believed to influence our self-esteem include:

Personality
Life experiences
Social circumstances
The reactions of others
Comparing the self to others

An important note is that self-esteem is not fixed. It is malleable and measurable, meaning we can test for and improve upon it.

Self-esteem and self-acceptance are often confused or even considered identical by most people. Let’s address this misconception by considering some fundamental differences in the nature and consequences of self-esteem and unconditional self-acceptance.

Self-esteem is based on evaluating the self, and rating one’s behaviors and qualities as positive or negative, which results in defining the self as worthy or non-worthy (Ellis, 1994).
Self-acceptance, however, is how the individual relates to the self in a way that allows the self to be as it is. Acceptance is neither positive nor negative; it embraces all aspects and experiences of the self (Ellis, 1976).
Self-esteem relies on comparisons to evaluate the self and ‘decide’ its worth.
Self-acceptance, stems from the realization that there is no objective basis for determining the value of a human being. So with self-acceptance, the individual affirms who they are without any need for comparisons.
Self-esteem is contingent on external factors, such as performance, appearance, or social approval, that form the basis on which the self is evaluated.
With self-acceptance, a person feels satisfied with themselves despite external factors, as this sense of worthiness is not derived from meeting specific standards.
Self-esteem is fragile (Kernis & Lakey, 2010).
Self-acceptance provides a secure and enduring positive relationship with the self (Kernis & Lakey, 2010).
When it comes to the consequences on wellbeing, while self-esteem appears to be associated with some markers of wellbeing, such as high life satisfaction (Myers & Diener, 1995) and less anxiety (Brockner, 1984), there is also a “dark side” of self-esteem, characterized by egotism and narcissism (Crocker & Park, 2003).
Self-acceptance is strongly associated with numerous positive markers of general psychological wellbeing (MacInnes, 2006).

Self-esteem has been a hot topic in psychology for decades, going about as far back as psychology itself. Even Freud , who many consider the founding father of psychology (although he’s a bit of an estranged father at this point), had theories about self-esteem at the heart of his work.

What self-esteem is, how it develops (or fails to develop) and what influences it has kept psychologists busy for a long time, and there’s no sign that we’ll have it all figured out anytime soon!

While there is much we still have to learn about self-esteem, we have at least been able to narrow down what self-esteem is and how it differs from other, similar constructs. Read on to learn what sets self-esteem apart from other self-directed traits and states.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Concept

Self-esteem is not self-concept, although self-esteem may be a part of self-concept. Self-concept is the perception that we have of ourselves, our answer when we ask ourselves the question “Who am I?” It is knowing about one’s own tendencies, thoughts, preferences and habits, hobbies, skills, and areas of weakness.

Put simply, the awareness of who we are is our concept of our self .

Purkey (1988) describes self-concept as:

“the totality of a complex, organized, and dynamic system of learned beliefs, attitudes and opinions that each person holds to be true about his or her personal existence”.

According to Carl Rogers, founder of client-centered therapy , self-concept is an overarching construct that self-esteem is one of the components of it (McLeod, 2008).

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Image

Another similar term with a different meaning is self-image; self-image is similar to self-concept in that it is all about how you see yourself (McLeod, 2008). Instead of being based on reality, however, it can be based on false and inaccurate thoughts about ourselves. Our self-image may be close to reality or far from it, but it is generally not completely in line with objective reality or with the way others perceive us.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth

Self-esteem is a similar concept to self-worth but with a small (although important) difference: self-esteem is what we think, feel, and believe about ourselves, while self-worth is the more global recognition that we are valuable human beings worthy of love (Hibbert, 2013).

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Confidence

Self-esteem is not self-confidence ; self-confidence is about your trust in yourself and your ability to deal with challenges, solve problems, and engage successfully with the world (Burton, 2015). As you probably noted from this description, self-confidence is based more on external measures of success and value than the internal measures that contribute to self-esteem.

One can have high self-confidence, particularly in a certain area or field, but still lack a healthy sense of overall value or self-esteem.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Efficacy

Similar to self-confidence, self-efficacy is also related to self-esteem but not a proxy for it. Self-efficacy refers to the belief in one’s ability to succeed at certain tasks (Neil, 2005). You could have high self-efficacy when it comes to playing basketball, but low self-efficacy when it comes to succeeding in math class.

Unlike self-esteem, self-efficacy is more specific rather than global, and it is based on external success rather than internal worth.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Compassion

Finally, self-esteem is also not self-compassion. Self-compassion centers on how we relate to ourselves rather than how we judge or perceive ourselves (Neff, n.d.). Being self-compassionate means we are kind and forgiving to ourselves, and that we avoid being harsh or overly critical of ourselves. Self-compassion can lead us to a healthy sense of self-esteem, but it is not in and of itself self-esteem.

We explore this further in The Science of Self-Acceptance Masterclass© .

Esteem in Maslow’s Theory – The Hierarchy of Needs

The mention of esteem may bring to mind the fourth level of Maslow’s pyramid : esteem needs.

While these needs and the concept of self-esteem are certainly related, Maslow’s esteem needs are more focused on external measures of esteem, such as respect, status, recognition, accomplishment, and prestige (McLeod, 2017).

There is a component of self-esteem within this level of the hierarchy, but Maslow felt that the esteem of others was more important for development and need fulfillment than self-esteem.

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Dr. Martin Seligman has some concerns about openly accepting self-esteem as part of positive psychology . He worries that people live in the world where self-esteem is injected into a person’s identity, not caring in how it is done, as long as the image of “confidence” is obtained. He expressed the following in 2006:

I am not against self-esteem, but I believe that self-esteem is just a meter that reads out the state of the system. It is not an end in itself. When you are doing well in school or work, when you are doing well with the people you love, when you are doing well in play, the meter will register high. When you are doing badly, it will register low. (p. v)

Seligman makes a great point, as it is important to take his words into consideration when looking at self-esteem. Self-esteem and positive psychology may not marry quite yet, so it is important to look at what research tells us about self-esteem before we construct a rationale for it as positive psychology researcher, coach, or practitioner.

Examples of these characteristics are being open to criticism, acknowledging mistakes, being comfortable with giving and receiving compliments, and displaying a harmony between what one says, does, looks, sounds, and moves.

People with high self-esteem are unafraid to show their curiosity, discuss their experiences, ideas, and opportunities. They can also enjoy the humorous aspects of their lives and are comfortable with social or personal assertiveness (Branden, 1992).

Although low self-esteem has received more attention than high self-esteem, the positive psychology movement has brought high self-esteem into the spotlight. We now know more about what high self-esteem looks like and how it can be cultivated.

We know that people with high self-esteem:

Appreciate themselves and other people.
Enjoy growing as a person and finding fulfillment and meaning in their lives.
Are able to dig deep within themselves and be creative.
Make their own decisions and conform to what others tell them to be and do only when they agree.
See the word in realistic terms, accepting other people the way they are while pushing them toward greater confidence and a more positive direction.
Can easily concentrate on solving problems in their lives.
Have loving and respectful relationships.
Know what their values are and live their lives accordingly.
Speak up and tell others their opinions, calmly and kindly, and share their wants and needs with others.
Endeavor to make a constructive difference in other people’s lives (Smith & Harte, n.d.).

We also know that there are some simple ways to tell if you have high self-esteem. For example, you likely have high self-esteem if you:

Act assertively without experiencing any guilt, and feel at ease communicating with others.
Avoid dwelling on the past and focus on the present moment.
Believe you are equal to everyone else, no better and no worse.
Reject the attempts of others to manipulate you.
Recognize and accept a wide range of feelings, both positive and negative, and share them within your healthy relationships.
Enjoy a healthy balance of work, play, and relaxation .
Accept challenges and take risks in order to grow, and learn from your mistakes when you fail.
Handle criticism without taking it personally, with the knowledge that you are learning and growing and that your worth is not dependent on the opinions of others.
Value yourself and communicate well with others, without fear of expressing your likes, dislikes, and feelings.
Value others and accept them as they are without trying to change them (Self Esteem Awareness, n.d.).

Based on these characteristics, we can come up with some good examples of what high self-esteem looks like.

Imagine a high-achieving student who takes a difficult exam and earns a failing grade. If she has high self-esteem, she will likely chalk up her failure to factors like not studying hard enough, a particularly difficult set of questions, or simply having an “off” day. What she doesn’t do is conclude that she must be stupid and that she will probably fail all future tests too.

Having a healthy sense of self-esteem guides her toward accepting reality, thinking critically about why she failed, and problem-solving instead of wallowing in self-pity or giving up.

For a second example, think about a young man out on a first date. He really likes the young woman he is going out with, so he is eager to make a good impression and connect with her. Over the course of their discussion on the date, he learns that she is motivated and driven by completely different values and has very different taste in almost everything.

Instead of going along with her expressed opinions on things, he offers up his own views and isn’t afraid to disagree with her. His high self-esteem makes him stay true to his values and allows him to easily communicate with others, even when they don’t agree. To him, it is more important to behave authentically than to focus on getting his date to like him.

23 Examples of Self-Esteem Issues

Here are 23 examples of issues that can manifest from low self-esteem:

You people please
You’re easily angered or irritated
You feel your opinion isn’t important
You hate you
What you do is never good enough
You’re highly sensitive to others opinions
The world doesn’t feel safe
You doubt every decision
You regularly experience the emotions of sadness and worthlessness
You find it hard keeping relationships
You avoid taking risks or trying new things
You engage in addictive avoidance behaviors
You struggle with confidence
You find it difficult creating boundaries
You give more attention to your weaknesses
You are often unsure of who you are
You feel negative experiences are all consuming
You struggle to say no
You find it difficult asking for your needs to be met
You hold a pessimistic or negative outlook on life
You doubt your abilities or chances of success
You frequently experience negative emotions, such as fear, anxiety or depression
You compare yourself with others and often you come in second best

It can be hard to really wrap your mind around self-esteem and why it is so important. To help you out, we’ve gathered a list of some of the most significant and relevant findings about self-esteem and low self-esteem in particular.

Although some of these facts may make sense to you, you will likely find that at least one or two surprise you—specifically those pertaining to the depth and breadth of low self-esteem in people (and particularly young people and girls).

Adolescent boys with high self-esteem are almost two and a half times more likely to initiate sex than boys with low self-esteem, while girls with high self-esteem are three times more likely to delay sex than girls with low self-esteem (Spencer, Zimet, Aalsma, & Orr, 2002).
Low self-esteem is linked to violence, school dropout rates, teenage pregnancy, suicide, and low academic achievement (Misetich & Delis-Abrams, 2003).
About 44% of girls and 15% of boys in high school are attempting to lose weight (Council on Alcoholism and Drug Abuse, n.d.).
Seven in 10 girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up in some way (Dove Self-Esteem Fund, 2008).
A girl’s self-esteem is more strongly related to how she views her own body shape and body weight than how much she actually weighs (Dove Self-Esteem Fund, 2008).
Nearly all women (90%) want to change at least one aspect of their physical appearance (Confidence Coalition, n.d.).
The vast majority (81%) of 10-year old girls are afraid of being fat (Confidence Coalition, n.d.).
About one in four college-age women have an eating disorder (Confidence Coalition, n.d.).
Only 2% of women think they are beautiful (Confidence Coalition, n.d.).
Absent fathers, poverty, and a low-quality home environment have a negative impact on self-esteem (Orth, 2018).

These facts on low self-esteem are alarming and disheartening, but thankfully they don’t represent the whole story. The whole story shows that there are many people with a healthy sense of self-esteem, and they enjoy some great benefits and advantages. For instance, people with healthy self-esteem:

Are less critical of themselves and others.
Are better able to handle stress and avoid the unhealthy side effects of stress.
Are less likely to develop an eating disorder.
Are less likely to feel worthless, guilty, and ashamed .
Are more likely to be assertive about expressing and getting what they want.
Are able to build strong, honest relationships and are more likely to leave unhealthy ones.
Are more confident in their ability to make good decisions.
Are more resilient and able to bounce back when faced with disappointment, failure, and obstacles (Allegiance Health, 2015).

Given the facts on the sad state of self-esteem in society and the positive outcomes associated with high self-esteem, it seems clear that looking into how self-esteem can be built is a worthwhile endeavor.

Luckily, there are many researchers who have tackled this topic. Numerous studies have shown us that it is possible to build self-esteem, especially in children and young people.

How? There are many ways!

Recent research found a correlation between self-esteem and optimism with university students from Brazil (Bastianello, Pacico & Hutz & 2014). One of the most interesting results came from a cross-cultural research on life satisfaction and self-esteem, which was conducted in 31 countries.

They found differences in self-esteem between collective and individualistic cultures with self-esteem being lower in collectivist cultures. Expressing personal emotions, attitudes, and cognitive thoughts are highly associated with self-esteem, collectivist cultures seem to have a drop in self-esteem because of a lack of those characteristics (Diener & Diener 1995).

China, a collectivist culture, found that self-esteem was a significant predictor of life satisfaction (Chen, Cheung, Bond & Leung, 2006). They found that similar to other collectivist cultures, self-esteem also had an effect on resilience with teenagers. Teenagers with low self-esteem had a higher sense of hopelessness and had low resilience (Karatas, 2011).

In more individualistic cultures, teenagers who were taught to depend on their beliefs, behaviors, and felt open to expressing their opinion had more resilience and higher self-esteem (Dumont & Provost, 1999).

School-based programs that pair students with mentors and focus on relationships, building, self-esteem enhancements, goal setting , and academic assistance have been proven to enhance students’ self-esteem, improve relationships with others, reduce depression and bullying behaviors (King, Vidourek, Davis, & McClellan, 2009).

Similarly, elementary school programs that focus on improving self-esteem through short, classroom-based sessions also have a positive impact on students’ self-esteem, as well as reducing problem behaviors and strengthening connections between peers (Park & Park, 2014).

However, the potential to boost your self-esteem and reap the benefits is not limited to students! Adults can get in on this endeavour as well, although the onus will be on them to make the changes necessary.

Self-esteem researcher and expert Dr. John M. Grohol outlined six practical tips on how to increase your sense of self-esteem, which include:

6 Practical Tips on How to Increase Self-Esteem

1. take a self-esteem inventory to give yourself a baseline..

It can be as simple as writing down 10 of your strengths and 10 of your weaknesses. This will help you to begin developing an honest and realistic conception of yourself.

2. Set realistic expectations.

It’s important to set small, reachable goals that are within your power. For example, setting an extremely high expectation or an expectation that someone else will change their behavior is virtually guaranteed to make you feel like a failure, through no fault of your own.

3. Stop being a perfectionist.

Acknowledge both your accomplishments and mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and trying to be will only lead to disappointment. Acknowledging your accomplishments and recognizing your mistakes is the way to keep a positive outlook while learning and growing from your mistakes.

4. Explore yourself.

The importance of knowing yourself and being at peace with who you are cannot be overstated. This can take some trial and error, and you will constantly learn new things about yourself, but it is a journey that should be undertaken with purpose and zeal.

5. Be willing to adjust your self-image.

We all change as we age and grow, and we must keep up with our ever-changing selves if we want to set and achieve meaningful goals.

6. Stop comparing yourself to others.

Comparing ourselves to others is a trap that is extremely easy to fall into, especially today with social media and the ability to project a polished, perfected appearance. The only person you should compare yourself to is you (Grohol, 2011).

The Positivity Blog also offers some helpful tips on enhancing your self-esteem, including:

Say “stop” to your inner critic.
Use healthier motivation habits.
Take a 2-minute self-appreciation break.
Write down 3 things in the evening that you can appreciate about yourself.
Do the right thing.
Replace the perfectionism.
Handle mistakes and failures in a more positive way.
Be kinder towards other people .
Try something new.
Stop falling into the comparison trap.
Spend more time with supportive people (and less time with destructive people).
Remember the “whys” of high self-esteem (Edberg, 2017).

Another list of specific, practical things you can do to develop and maintain a good sense of self-esteem comes from the Entrepreneur website:

Use distancing pronouns. When you are experiencing stress or negative self-talk, try putting it in more distant terms (e.g., instead of saying “I am feeling ashamed,” try saying “Courtney is feeling ashamed.”). This can help you to see the situation as a challenge rather than a threat.
Remind yourself of your achievements. The best way to overcome imposter syndrome—the belief that, despite all of your accomplishments, you are a failure and a fraud—is to list all of your personal successes. You might be able to explain a couple of them away as a chance, but they can’t all be due to luck!
Move more! This can be as simple as a short walk or as intense as a several-mile run, as quick as striking a “power pose” or as long as a two-hour yoga session; it doesn’t matter exactly what you do, just that you get more in touch with your body and improve both your health and your confidence.
Use the “five-second” rule. No, not the one about food that is dropped on the ground! This five-second rule is about following up good thoughts and inspiring ideas with action. Do something to make that great idea happen within five seconds.
Practice visualizing your success. Close your eyes and take a few minutes to imagine the scenario in which you have reached your goals, using all five senses and paying attention to the details.
Be prepared—for whatever situation you are about to encounter. If you are going into a job interview, make sure you have practiced, know about the company, and have some good questions ready to ask. If you are going on a date, take some time to boost your confidence, dress well, and have a plan A and a plan B (and maybe even a plan C!) to make sure it goes well.
Limit your usage of social media. Spend less time looking at a screen and more time experiencing the world around you.
Meditate. Establish a regular meditation practice to inspect your thoughts, observe them, and separate yourself from them. Cultivating a sense of inner peace will go a long way towards developing healthy self-esteem.
Keep your goals a secret. You don’t need to keep all of your hopes and dreams to yourself, but make sure you save some of your goal striving and success for just you—it can make you more likely to meet them and also more satisfied when you do.
Practice affirmations (like the ones listed later in this piece). Make time to regularly say positive things about yourself and situations in which you often feel uncertain.
Build your confidence through failure. Use failure as an opportunity to learn and grow, and seek out failure by trying new things and taking calculated risks (Laurinavicius, 2017).

Now that we have a good idea of how to improve self-esteem , there is an important caveat to the topic: many of the characteristics and factors that we believe result from self-esteem may also influence one’s sense of self-esteem, and vice versa.

For example, although we recommend improving self-esteem to positively impact grades or work performance, success in these areas is at least somewhat dependent on self-esteem as well.

Similarly, those who have a healthy level of self-esteem are more likely to have positive relationships, but those with positive relationships are also more likely to have healthy self-esteem, likely because the relationship works in both directions.

While there is nothing wrong with boosting your self-esteem, keep in mind that in some cases you may be putting the cart before the horse, and commit to developing yourself in several areas rather than just working on enhancing your self-esteem.

Can We Help Boost Self-Esteem Issues with Therapy and Counseling?

Based on research like that described above, we have learned that there are many ways therapy and counseling can help clients to improve their self-esteem.

If done correctly, therapy can be an excellent method of enhancing self-esteem, especially if it’s low to begin with.

Here are some of the ways therapy and counseling can a client’s boost self-esteem:

When a client shares their inner thoughts and feelings with the therapist, and the therapist responds with acceptance and compassion rather than judgment or correction, this can build the foundations of healthy self-esteem for the client.
This continued acceptance and unconditional positive regard encourage the client to re-think some of their assumptions, and come to the conclusion that “Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me after all!”
The therapist can explain that self-esteem is a belief rather than a fact and that beliefs are based on our experiences; this can help the client understand that he could be exactly the same person as he is right now and have high self-esteem instead of low, if he had different experiences that cultivated a sense of high self-esteem instead of low self-esteem.
The therapist can offer the client new experiences upon which to base this new belief about herself, experiences in which the client is “basically acceptable” instead of “basically wrong.” The therapist’s acceptance of the client can act as a model for the client of how she can accept herself.
Most importantly, the therapist can accept the client for who he is and affirm his thoughts and feelings as acceptable rather than criticizing him for them. The therapist does not need to approve of each and every action taken by the client, but showing acceptance and approval of who he is at the deepest level will have an extremely positive impact on his own belief in his worth and value as a person (Gilbertson, 2016).

Following these guidelines will encourage your client to develop a better sense of self-love , self-worth, self-acceptance , and self-esteem, as well as discouraging “needless shame” and learning how to separate herself from her behavior (Gilbertson, 2016).

One of these methods is meditation—yes, you can add yet another benefit of meditation to the list! However, not only can we develop self-esteem through meditation , we also gain some other important benefits.

When we meditate, we cultivate our ability to let go and to keep our thoughts and feelings in perspective. We learn to simply observe instead of actively participate in every little experience that pops into our head. In other words, we are “loosening the grip we have on our sense of self” (Puddicombe, 2015).

While this may sound counterintuitive to developing and maintaining a positive sense of self, it is actually a great way to approach it. Through meditation, we gain the ability to become aware of our inner experiences without over-identifying with them, letting our thoughts pass by without judgment or a strong emotional response.

As meditation expert Andy Puddicombe notes, low self-esteem can be understood as the result of over-identification with the self. When we get overly wrapped up in our sense of self, whether that occurs with a focus on the positive (I’m the BEST) or the negative (I’m the WORST), we place too much importance on it. We may even get obsessive about the self, going over every little word, thought, or feeling that enters our mind.

A regular meditation practice can boost your self-esteem by helping you to let go of your preoccupation with your self, freeing you from being controlled by the thoughts and feelings your self-experiences.

When you have the ability to step back and observe a disturbing or self-deprecating thought, it suddenly doesn’t have as much power over you as it used to; this deidentification with the negative thoughts you have about yourself results in less negative talk over time and freedom from your overly critical inner voice (Puddicombe, 2015).

Self-esteem is the topic of many a psychological scale and assessment, and many of them are valid, reliable, and very popular among researchers; however, these assessments are not perfect. There are a few problems and considerations you should take into account if you want to measure self-esteem, including:

Lack of consensus on the definition (Demo, 1985).
Overall gender differences in self-esteem (Bingham, 1983).
Too many instruments for assessing self-esteem, and low correlations between them (Demo, 1985).
The unexplained variance between self-reports and inferred measures such as ratings by others (Demo, 1985).

Although these issues are certainly not unique to the measurement of self-esteem, one should approach the assessment of self-esteem with multiple measurement methods in hand, with the appropriate level of caution, or both.

Still, even though there are various issues with the measurement of self-esteem, avoiding the measurement is not an option! If you are looking to measure self-esteem and worried about finding a validated scale, look no further than one of the foundations of self-esteem research: Rosenberg’s scale.

Measuring Self-Esteem with the Rosenberg Scale

The most common scale of self-esteem is Rosenberg’s Self-Esteem Scale (also called the RSE and sometimes the SES). This scale was developed by Rosenberg and presented in his 1965 book Society and the Adolescent Self-Image.

It contains 10 items rated on a scale from 1 (strongly agree) to 4 (strongly disagree). Some of the items are reverse-scored, and the total score can be calculated by summing up the total points for an overall measure of self-esteem (although it can also be scored in a different, more complex manner—see page 61 of this PDF for instructions).

The 10 items are:

1. On the whole, I am satisfied with myself. 2. At times I think I am no good at all. 3. I feel that I have a number of good qualities. 4. I am able to do things as well as most other people. 5. I feel I do not have much to be proud of. 6. I certainly feel useless at times. 7. I feel that I’m a person of worth. 8. I wish I could have more respect for myself. 9. All in all, I am inclined to think that I am a failure. 10. I take a positive attitude toward myself.

As you likely figured out already, items 2, 5, 6, 8, and 9 are reverse-scored, while the other items are scored normally. This creates a single score of between 10 and 40 points, with lower scores indicating higher self-esteem. Put another way, higher scores indicate a strong sense of low self-esteem.

The scale is considered highly consistent and reliable, and scores correlate highly with other measures of self-esteem and negatively with measures of depression and anxiety. It has been used by thousands of researchers throughout the years and is still in use today, making it one of the most-cited scales ever developed.

The Coopersmith Self-Esteem Inventory (1967/1981)

The second most commonly used reliable and valid measure for self-esteem is The Coopersmith Self-Esteem Inventory. Within this test, 50 items are included to measure the test-takes attitudes towards themselves, by responding to statements with the selection of “like me” or “not like me” (Robinson, Shaver & Wrightsman, 2010).

Initially created to test the self-esteem of children, it was later altered by Ryden (1978) and now two separate versions exist; one for children and one for adults.

Find out more about taking this test here .

It might be quicker to list what factors don’t influence self-esteem than to identify which factors do influence it! As you might expect, self-esteem is a complex construct and there are many factors that contribute to it, whether positively or negatively.

For a quick sample of some of the many factors that are known to influence self-esteem, check out this list:

Commitment to the worker, spouse, and parental role are positively linked to self-esteem (Reitzes & Mutran, 1994).
Worker identity meaning is positively related to self-esteem (Reitzes & Mutran, 2006).
Being married and older is linked to lower self-esteem (Reitzes & Mutran, 2006).
Higher education and higher income are related to higher self-esteem (Reitzes & Mutran, 2006).
Low socioeconomic status and low self-esteem are related (von Soest, Wagner, Hansen, & Gerstorf, 2018).
Living alone (without a significant other) is linked to low self-esteem (van Soest et al., 2018).
Unemployment and disability contribute to lower self-esteem (van Soest et al., 2018).
A more mature personality and emotional stability are linked to higher self-esteem (van Soest et al., 2018).
Social norms (the importance of friends’ and family members’ opinions) about one’s body and exercise habits are negatively linked to self-esteem, while exercise self-efficacy and self-fulfillment are positively linked to self-esteem (Chang & Suttikun, 2017).

If you’re thinking that an important technological factor is missing, go on to the next section and see if you’re right!

Although you may have found some of the findings on self-esteem covered earlier surprising, you will most likely expect this one: studies suggest that social media usage negatively impacts self-esteem (Friedlander, 2016).

This effect is easy to understand. Humans are social creatures and need interaction with others to stay healthy and happy; however, we also use those around us as comparisons to measure and track our own progress in work, relationships, and life in general. Social media makes these comparisons easier than ever, but they give this tendency to compare a dark twist.

What we see on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter is not representative of real life. It is often carefully curated and painstakingly presented to give the best possible impression.

We rarely see the sadness, the failure, and the disappointment that accompanies everyday human life; instead, we see a perfect picture, a timeline full of only good news, and short blurbs about achievements, accomplishments, and happiness .

Although this social comparison with unattainable standards is clearly a bad habit to get into, social media is not necessarily a death knell for your self-esteem. Moderate social media usage complemented by frequent self-reminders that we are often only seeing the very best in others can allow us to use social media posts as inspiration and motivation rather than unhealthy comparison.

You don’t need to give up social media for good in order to maintain a healthy sense of self-esteem—just use it mindfully and keep it in the right perspective!

By viewing self-esteem as a muscle to grow we establish a world of new opportunities. No longer do we have to view ourselves in the same light.

Use these 10 tips to strengthen the attitudes towards yourself:

1. Spend time with people who lift you up 2. Giveback by helping others 3. Celebrate your achievements, no matter the size 4. Do what makes you happy 5. Change what you can – and let go of what you can’t 6. Let go of perfectionism ideals 7. Speak to yourself like a friend 8. Get involved in extra-curricula’s 9. Own your uniqueness 10. Create a positive self-dialogue.

Influential American author, Jack Canfield explains “Daily affirmations are to the mind what exercise is to the body.” (watch this YouTube clip).

Affirmations are a great way to boost your self-esteem and, in turn, your overall wellbeing. There are tons of examples of affirmations you can use for this purpose, including these 17 from Develop Good Habits :

Mistakes are a stepping stone to success. They are the path I must tread to achieve my dreams.
I will continue to learn and grow.
Mistakes are just an apprenticeship to achievement.
I deserve to be happy and successful.
I deserve a good life. I deny any need for suffering and misery.
I am competent, smart, and able.
I am growing and changing for the better.
I love the person I am becoming.
I believe in my skills and abilities.
I have great ideas. I make useful contributions.
I acknowledge my own self-worth; my self-confidence is rising.
I am worthy of all the good things that happen in my life.
I am confident with my life plan and the way things are going.
I deserve the love I am given.
I let go of the negative feelings about myself and accept all that is good.
I will stand by my decisions. They are sound and reasoned.
I have, or can quickly get, all the knowledge I need to succeed.

If none of these leap out and inspire you, you can always create your own! Just keep in mind these three simple rules for creating effective affirmations:

The affirmations should be in the present tense. They must affirm your value and worth right here, right now (e.g., not “I will do better tomorrow” but “I am doing great today.”).
The affirmations should be positively worded. They should not deny or reject anything (i.e., “I am not a loser.”), but make a firm statement (e.g., “I am a worthy person.”).
The affirmations should make you feel good and put you in a positive light. They should not be empty words and they should be relevant to your life (e.g., “I am a world-class skier” is relevant if you ski, but is not a good affirmation if you don’t ski.).

Use these three rules to put together some positive, uplifting, and encouraging affirmations that you can repeat as often as needed—but aim for at least once a day.

There are many, many books available on self-esteem: what it is, what influences it, how it can be developed, and how it can be encouraged in others (particularly children). Here is just a sample of some of the most popular and well-received books on self-esteem :

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, PhD ( Amazon )
The Self-Esteem Guided Journal by Matthew McKay & C. Sutker ( Amazon )
Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David D. Burns, MD ( Amazon )
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field by Nathanial Branden (if you’re not a big reader, check out the animated book review video below) ( Amazon )
The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi, PhD ( Amazon )
The Self-Esteem Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Build Confidence and Achieve Your Goals by Lisa M. Schab, LCSW ( Amazon )
Believing in Myself by E Larsen & C Hegarty. ( Amazon )
Being Me: A Kid’s Guide to Boosting Confidence and Self-Esteem by Wendy L. Moss, PhD ( Amazon )
Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel ( Amazon )

Plus, here’s a bonus—a free PDF version of Nathaniel Branden’s The Psychology of Self-Esteem: A Revolutionary Approach to Self-Understanding That Launched a New Era in Modern Psychology .

If reading is not a preferred method of learning more, fear not! There are some great YouTube videos and TED Talks on self-esteem. A few of the most popular and most impactful are included here.

Why Thinking You’re Ugly is Bad for You by Meaghan Ramsey

This TED talk is all about the importance of self-esteem and the impact of negative self-esteem, especially on young people and girls. Ramsey notes that low self-esteem impacts physical as well as mental health, the work we do, and our overall finances as we chase the perfect body, the perfect face, or the perfect hair. She ends by outlining the six areas addressed by effective self-esteem programs:

The influence of family, friends, and relationships
The media and celebrity culture
How to handle teasing and bullying
The way we compete and compare ourselves with others
The way we talk about appearance
The foundations of respecting and caring for yourself

Meet Yourself: A User’s Guide to Building Self-Esteem by Niko Everett

Another great TEDx Talk comes from the founder of the Girls for Change organization, Niko Everett. In this talk, she goes over the power of self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and self-love. She highlights the importance of the thoughts we have about ourselves and the impact they have on our self-esteem and shares some techniques to help both children and adults enhance their self-esteem.

Self-Esteem – Understanding & Fixing Low Self-Esteem by Actualized.org

This video from Leo Gura at Actualized.org defines self-esteem, describes the elements of self-esteem, and the factors that influence self-esteem. He shares why self-esteem is important and how it can be developed and enhanced.

How to Build Self Esteem – The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden Animated Book Review by FightMediocrity

This quick, 6-minute video on self-esteem outlines what author Nathaniel Branden sees as the “Six Pillars” of self-esteem:

The practice of living consciously Be aware of your daily activities and relationship with others, insecure reflections, and also personal priorities.
The practice of self-acceptance This includes becoming aware and accepting the best and the worst parts of you and also the disowned parts of ourselves.
The practice of self-responsibility This implies realizing that you are responsible for your choices and actions.
The practice of self-assertiveness Act through your real convictions and feelings as much as possible.
The practice of living purposefully Achieve personal goals that energize your existence.
The practice of personal integrity Don’t compensate your ideals, beliefs, and behaviors for a result that leads to incongruence. When your behaviors are congruent with your ideals, integrity will appear.

The speaker provides a definition and example of each of the six pillars and finishes the video by emphasizing the first two words of each pillar: “The Practice.” These words highlight that the effort applied to building self-esteem is, in fact, the most important factor in developing self-esteem.

Sometimes all you need to get to work on bettering yourself is an inspirational quote. The value of quotes is subjective, so these may not all resonate with you, but hopefully, you will find that at least one or two lights that spark within you!

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Sharon Salzberg

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”

Michel de Montaigne

“The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone.”

“Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends.”

“As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are—what others say is irrelevant.”

“I don’t want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did.”

Henry James

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

Louise L. Hay

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”

Marianne Williamson

“I don’t entirely approve of some of the things I have done, or am, or have been. But I’m me. God knows, I’m me.”

“To me, self-esteem is not self-love. It is self-acknowledgement, as in recognizing and accepting who you are.”

Amity Gaige

“Self-esteem is as important to our well-being as legs are to a table. It is essential for physical and mental health and for happiness.”

Louise Hart

“Self-esteem is made up primarily of two things: feeling lovable and feeling capable. Lovable means I feel people want to be with me. They invite me to parties; they affirm I have the qualities necessary to be included. Feeling capable is knowing that I can produce a result. It’s knowing I can handle anything that life hands me.”

Jack Canfield

“You can’t let someone else lower your self-esteem, because that’s what it is—self-esteem. You need to first love yourself before you have anybody else love you.”

Winnie Harlow

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

“Our self-respect tracks our choices. Every time we act in harmony with our authentic self and our heart, we earn our respect. It is that simple. Every choice matters.” Dan Coppersmith

17 Exercises To Foster Self-Acceptance and Compassion

Help your clients develop a kinder, more accepting relationship with themselves using these 17 Self-Compassion Exercises [PDF] that promote self-care and self-compassion.

Created by Experts. 100% Science-based.

We hope you enjoyed this opportunity to learn about self-esteem! If you take only one important lesson away from this piece, make sure it’s this one: you absolutely can build your own self-esteem, and you can have a big impact on the self-esteem of those you love.

Self-esteem is not a panacea—it will not fix all of your problems or help you sail smoothly through a life free of struggle and suffering—but it will help you find the courage to try new things, build the resilience to bounce back from failure, and make you more susceptible to success.

It is something we have to continually work towards, but it’s absolutely achievable.

Stay committed.

Keep aware of your internal thoughts and external surroundings. Keep focused on your personal goals and all that is possible when self-doubt isn’t holding you back.

What are your thoughts on self-esteem in psychology? Should we be encouraging it more? Less? Is there an “ideal amount” of self-esteem? We’d love to hear from you! Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

You can read more about self-esteem worksheets and exercises for adults and teens here .

Thanks for reading!

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Self Compassion Exercises for free .

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Interesting, and clear and quite precise in this definitions…..definitions are the most important.

Extremely good article addressing the prevalence of low self-esteem in Western society and how to overcome it. But did it consider the possibility self-esteem could ever be too high? I am still influenced by my old-school upbringing, where being labeled as “conceited” was a a thing. I was told that’s only an attempt to compensate for low self esteem, along with “egomania” and other disorders, but perhaps related to the driven personalities that have influenced much of history.

Excellent, Elaborative, Enduring and Eloquent ESSAY 🙂 Loved this article, very clear, very informative, very useful and practically implementable if determined to improve the quality of one’s life. THANK YOU is a small word for the author of this article.

thak you for this good article

Very helpful. Thank you very much

Thanks for sharing it. I’m happy after reading it , please keep continue to enlighten people

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School Education /

Essay on Myself: 100 Words, 250 Words and 300 Words

Updated on
Mar 12, 2024

We are all different from each other and it is important to self-analyze and know about yourself. Only you can know everything about yourself. But, when it comes to describing yourself in front of others many students fail to do so. This happens due to the confusion generated by a student’s mind regarding what things to include in their description. This confusion never arises when someone is told to give any opinion about others. This blog will help students and children resolve the confusion and it also includes an essay on myself.

While writing an “essay on myself” you should have a unique style so that the reader would engage in your essay. It’s important to induce the urge to know about you in the reader then only you can perform well in your class. I would suggest you include your qualities, strengths, achievements, interests, and passion in your essay. Continue Reading for Essays on myself for children and students!

Quick Read: Essay on Child Labour

Table of Contents

1 Long and Short Essay on Myself for Students
2 Tips to Write Essay on Myself
3 100 Words Essay on Myself
4 250 Words Essay on Myself
5 10 Lines on Myself Essay for Children
6 300 Words Essay on Myself

Quick Read: Trees are Our Best Friend Essay

Long and Short Essay on Myself for Students

Mentioned below are essays on myself with variable word limits. You can choose the essay that you want to present in your class. These essays are drafted in simple language so that school students can easily understand. In addition, the main point to remember while writing an essay on myself is to be honest. Your honesty will help you connect with the reader.

Tell me about yourself is also one of the most important questions asked in the interview process. Therefore, this blog is very helpful for people who want to learn about how to write an essay on myself.

Tips to Write Essay on Myself

Given below are some tips to write an essay on myself:

Prepare a basic outline of what to include in the essay about yourself.
Stick to the structure to maintain fluency.
Be honest to build a connection with the reader.
Use simple language.
Try to include a crisp and clear conclusion.

100 Words Essay on Myself

I am a dedicated person with an urge to learn and grow. My name is Rakul, and I feel life is a journey that leads to self-discovery. I belong to a middle-class family, my father is a handloom businessman, and my mother is a primary school teacher .

I have learned punctuality and discipline are the two wheels that drive our life on a positive path. My mother is my role model. I am passionate about reading novels. When I was younger, my grandmother used to narrate stories about her life in the past and that has built my interest towards reading stories and novels related to history.

Overall I am an optimistic person who looks forward to life as a subject that teaches us values and ways to live for the upliftment of society.

250 Words Essay on Myself

My name is Ayushi Singh but my mother calls me “Ayu”. I turned 12 years old this August and I study in class 7th. I have an elder sister named Aishwarya. She is like a second mother to me. I have a group of friends at school and out of them Manvi is my best friend. She visits my house at weekends and we play outdoor games together. I believe in her and I can share anything with her.

Science and technology fascinate me so I took part in an interschool science competition in which my team of 4 girls worked on a 3-D model of the earth representing past, present, and future. It took us a week to finish off the project and we presented the model at Ghaziabad school. We were competing against 30 teams and we won the competition.

I was confident and determined about the fact that we could win because my passion helped me give my 100% input in the task. Though I have skills in certain subjects I don’t have to excel in everything, I struggle to perform well in mathematics . And to enhance my problem-solving skills I used to study maths 2 hours a day.

I wanted to become a scientist, and being punctual and attentive are my characteristics as I never arrive late for school. Generally, I do my work on my own so that I inculcate the value of being an independent person. I always help other people when they are in difficult situations.

Also Read: Essay on the Importance of the Internet

10 Lines on Myself Essay for Children

Here are 10 lines on myself essay for children. Feel free to add them to similar essay topics.

My name is Ananya Rathor and I am 10 years old.
I like painting and playing with my dog, Todo.
Reading animal books is one of my favourite activities.
I love drawing and colouring to express my imagination.
I always find joy in spending time outdoors, feeling the breeze on my face.
I love dancing to Indian classical music.
I’m always ready for an adventure, whether it’s trying a new hobby or discovering interesting facts.
Animals are my friends, and I enjoy spending time with pets or observing nature’s creatures.
I am a very kind person and I respect everyone.
All of my school teachers love me.

300 Words Essay on Myself

My name is Rakul. I believe that every individual has unique characteristics which distinguish them from others. To be unique you must have an extraordinary spark or skill. I live with my family and my family members taught me to live together, adjust, help others, and be humble. Apart from this, I am an energetic person who loves to play badminton.

I have recently joined Kathak classes because I have an inclination towards dance and music, especially folk dance and classical music. I believe that owing to the diversity of our country India, it offers us a lot of opportunities to learn and gain expertise in various sectors.

My great-grandfather was a classical singer and he also used to play several musical instruments. His achievements and stories have inspired me to learn more about Indian culture and make him proud.

I am a punctual and studious person because I believe that education is the key to success. Academic excellence could make our careers shine bright. Recently I secured second position in my class and my teachers and family members were so proud of my achievement.

I can manage my time because my mother taught me that time waits for no one. It is important to make correct use of time to succeed in life. If we value time, then only time will value us. My ambition in life is to become a successful gynaecologist and serve for human society.

Hence, these are the qualities that describe me the best. Though no one can present themselves in a few words still I tried to give a brief about myself through this essay. In my opinion, life is meant to be lived with utmost happiness and an aim to serve humanity. Thus, keep this in mind, I will always try to help others and be the best version of myself.

Kajal Thareja

Hi, I am Kajal, a pharmacy graduate, currently pursuing management and is an experienced content writer. I have 2-years of writing experience in Ed-tech (digital marketing) company. I am passionate towards writing blogs and am on the path of discovering true potential professionally in the field of content marketing. I am engaged in writing creative content for students which is simple yet creative and engaging and leaves an impact on the reader's mind.

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How To Be At Peace With Yourself

Post author: Kyle Greenfield
Post published: September 29, 2023
Post category: Increase Happiness
Post comments: 3 Comments

Become peace, until peace becomes your only reality. Kyle Greenfield, TheJoyWithin.org

No matter where you are in life or how spiritual you are, finding a sense of inner peace is a constant yearning you may face. Learning to become at peace with yourself is one of the most basic human desires, and is often a skill that requires a lot of practice.

In this post and podcast, we’ll outline a simple framework you can use to feel more at peace with yourself every day, regardless of whether you’re reliving past regrets, stress about a current situation, or worried about the future.

The Key To Finding Peace Within Yourself

How to make the most of this post:.

First: Listen to the podcast below.

Then: Click here to get started with The Joy Within –> where you’ll find simple strategies you can use to quiet the mind, stay centered, and cultivate that deeper feeling of inner peace.

Podcast – How To Become More At Peace With Yourself

The meaning of being at peace with myself, finding inner calm by focusing on the breath, accept the present moment, release the past guilt and future worries, practice loving kindness for yourself and others, develop a habit of appreciation.

Hello and welcome back to The Joy Within’s podcast. Today I want to talk about what it takes to feel more at peace with yourself. This has been on my mind a lot recently, as I’ve been working with a client who -a number of years ago, took some actions that she now regrets, and rightly or wrongly, she blames herself for creating drama and tension in many of her close relationships. And these past regrets are carrying forward and creating most of the negativity – the depression, the anxiety, the loneliness – that she feels today.

She is unable to feel at peace with herself, and because of that, just keeps beating herself up. Over, and over again.

Now, I think this kind of inner conflict happens to a lot of us. There are a lot of reasons why our minds convince us that we can’t be at peace. Sometimes it’s external stressors that seem to be crowding in on us, sometimes it’s a sign of uncertainty or indecision, and sometimes it’s because – like this client – we feel trapped, focusing on something in the past, something we see as fixed, permanent, that we just can’t get past.

Fundamentally, I don’t think it really matters what the trigger – the reason we might point to – is. If we could step back from ourselves. If we could zoom out and look back down, I think we would find that this lack peace always comes down to the same root cause.

We have to learn how to become peace, until peace becomes our only reality.

The reason we think we cannot feel at peace, is simply because we have not sufficiently trained ourselves to focus on peace. I know on the surface this sounds like a Catch-22: The solution to feeling at peace is to feel at peace. Great. That’s not very helpful.

But, there’s actually a really clear mental framework I like to use to help enter into that state. First, we have to know what peace really feels like, and by that I mean true, inner peace. Not a peace that is an absence of negative circumstance. not a peace that is just “Oh, I took a few days off and went to the beach.” I’m talking about the real feeling that is always within you, emanating from you, just waiting for you to turn and start focusing on it.

Because that peace is indefatigable. There will always be circumstances – always a reason pressing in on you, or a past regret waiting to crop up – that will appear to strip your peace from you. But it can only do that if you think peace is circumstantial. If you know , with clarity, that you already have a sense of peace within you, then you can overcome whatever negativity is present in any circumstance you might face.

That’s Step 1. The knowingness. The foundation. Even if you don’t feel like you can tap into that sensation all the time. Even if you just glimpsed it once on a retreat 10 years ago. If you know that it is there, you have the ability to come back to it.

The 2nd part of the framework I use is to accept that I am not always going to feel peaceful. Again, I know that sounds a bit counterintuitive — how does knowing you’re not always going to be peaceful help you to feel at peace? — and the reason is because it resets your expectation. It makes the game winnable. I like to think in terms of popping in and out of different states of being, or, you might say, a game of choosing where I’m going to place my strongest point of focus.

I find that this is a really lighthearted way to fool myself into a feeling of acceptance of my own faults and missteps. Because it is only ever our own limiting beliefs, our self-criticisms, that drag us out of our natural, inner peace.

That client I mentioned isn’t struggling to feel at peace because of what happened in the past. She’s struggling because she keeps bringing that past forward into the present. She keeps repeating the story that she should have done something else, or should be thinking something else now. It doesn’t matter whether it was 10 years ago or this morning, reliving those thoughts prevents her from connecting to her natural, inner joy, now.

Not feeling peaceful is a symptom of not being present in this moment. It’s like a warning light flashing, telling you that a past regret or future worry has invaded your mind. You have “popped out of” the peace of the moment.

Sometimes for a second. Sometimes it spirals on for hours (or days or years). But if – instead of beating ourselves up for not feeling peaceful, we could simply step back and say “oh, you know what, I started thinking some very not-peaceful thoughts there” we’d be better able to let those thoughts go, and to come back to our natural peace.

Feeling at peace with yourself isn’t something that you accomplish once and rest into forever. Peace is a choice we must make in each and every moment. Become peace until peace becomes your only reality. That means you choose peace, now, in this moment. And then you choose it again, now, in that moment.

There are many, many strategies that can help you to do that – and giving you that toolkit, the practical, real-world techniques that work whenever, wherever you need them – is a core part of what we teach here at The Joy Within.

But fundamentally, it’s that shift in focus that matters. The decision to come back to your peace over and over and over again. Because you already are peaceful. You already can rest at peace. You just have to get that annoying little voice in your head to quiet down, so you can rest into that natural peace more easily.

That’s the game. So when you’re ready to start making that choice for peace more easily, more consistently, we’re here to help. Just head over to TheJoyWithin.org to get started. Because you shouldn’t have to struggle with not feeling at peace. We all deserve to feel calm, confident, and happy, no matter what is going on in front of us, or what we think we’ve done in the past. It’s only our constant reliving of it, our constant belief that we can’t be at peace, that keeps us from it. And if you’re feeling trapped in that, you have to break the cycle. You have to shift your focus. You have to win this fight against yourself. Because peace is effortless, and it is available to every single one of us, as deeply, and as often as we choose.

Before you can learn to practice peace, you must first understand what it means to be at peace with yourself.

Many people think that peace means they must shy away from the challenges of the world, have a deep spiritual practice, or spend hours in meditation. While you may find it is easier to be at peace when you simplify your life , doing so is not necessary to attain peace.

Being at peace with yourself simply means that you have an ability to focus on your natural energy of joy. This joy rests within each and every one of us at all times, and is always available to you, should you choose to focus on it.

When you can learn to feel this intuitive source of stillness, you will also feel an overwhelming sense of peace, happiness, and love, which cannot be overcome by the circumstances around you.

Knowing how to rest more consistently in this state of unconditional love is the essence of being truly at peace with oneself.

While this may sound like a lofty ideal, it is actually a realistic aim for most people, as long as you follow a few core ideas and techniques.

Techniques and Exercises for Being at Peace With Yourself

The first technique for increasing your sense of peace is to learn to draw your attention to your breath. You can do this through meditation, but you can also find immense benefit from noticing your breath as you move throughout your normal life.

Just by taking the time consistently throughout the day to pay attention to your breath, you will begin to tap into your natural joy, and will begin to feel calmer and more peaceful, every day.

The key to applying this exercise is simple: take the time to observe your breath every single day, many times throughout the day. I like to stop every 20-30 minutes to take a few seconds simply to breathe and to notice my environment. If you adopt this single practice, more than any other technique I’ve experience, you’ll quickly become more spiritual , and will be able to develop a near constant state of calm that remains with you as you move throughout each day.

The process is simple.

The first step is to take a few large breaths, inhaling and exhaling loudly to release any excess energy with a loud sigh. If you are in a public space (and cannot breathe loudly) you can modify this step to have a few cycles of “hushed sighs,” in which you forcefully exhale your air silently, releasing any unnecessary tension.

The next step is simply to observe the breath. As you breathe in and out for the next few cycles of air, notice how the air moves through your body. Notice any sensations that come to you, whether they are physical points of contact with your breath, or energetic ideas of peace, stillness, or calm.

You can remain with your breath for as long as you’d like. I recommend at least 3-5 cycles of breath, which for most people is about 30-60 seconds. This simple pause, repeated consistently, encourages you to become more mindful and to appreciate more of the joy that is already present in your life.

The last step for this exercise is to commit to making it a habit. Integrating this exercise into your daily routine is the core step that will cause you to feel more peaceful, on command.

Another great practice of learning how to be at peace is to accept the present moment for what it is.

Often, we create unnecessary struggle because we believe that wherever we are is not already perfect in its own way. We focus on doing more, having more, and being more so fully that we imply to ourselves that we are not yet good enough.

Learning to accept the balance between wanting to grow and expand as an individual (in whatever form that takes for you) and accepting the journey right where you are will dramatically increase your sense of ease, peace, and fulfillment as you progress through life.

Read more about how to be present and live in the now.

Hand in hand with accepting the present moment is our ability to release the concerns of the past and future. More often than not, we spend so much time preoccupied with what has already happened, or with what might happen, that we fail to notice the inherent beauty, joy, and perfection that surrounds us.

When we insist on holding onto negative emotions from the past – no matter how “justified” you think they may seem – we stop ourselves from feeling our inner joy. The same is true when we extrapolate into the future.

Learn how to let go , stay centered in the present moment, and you will feel more peaceful immediately.

Along with accpeting the present moment is the idea that you must also accept yourself. You will never be at peace so long as you continuously judge yourself for your mistakes, and other people for theirs. Instead, strive to learn how to practice loving kindness and compassion in all of your thoughts and actions.

When you can recognize that we are all human, and that we all experience the same fundamental struggles, which we express in different forms, you take a major step forward in becoming more compassionate, kind, and loving towards yourself and the world around you.

Lastly, remember that peace is a choice that comes through your own decisions about where to focus. When you focus on the good that is already before you, you grant yourself the ability to feel positive emotions, including peace, joy, fulfillment, and love.

Take the time to develop a habit of appreciation by focusing on the good that is around you in every moment. Whether that means appreciating a flower, a bird, a piece of music, or a compliment from your spouse or co-worker, appreciation can be found anywhere…as long as you train yourself to find it.

Continue Reading: Learn How To Do a Rampage of Appreciation

Kyle Greenfield

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This post has 3 comments.

Thanks for the article! Gratitude is my favourite practice. It’s so easy to get caught up in everyone else’s negativity and gratitude is the perfect antidote.

What a great article! Thank you so much!

I have tried many of these techniques and I can’t be at peace, having faced prejudice and discrimination since arriving in North America 33 years ago. I have worked hard all of my teen-and-beyond life and because of perpetual prejudice (mostly at professional and government level), I have been cheated out of many career opportunities. Because of all those set backs, my family is now suffering financially. We’re not technically poor but are scraping the bottom of the middle-class. Had my name been John Stevenson or some other Anglican form, I would’ve become an executive of some organization. How do you suggest I make peace with myslef? Thanks.

Essays About Myself: Top 5 Essay Examples Plus Prompts

We are all unique individuals, each with traits, skills, and qualities we should be proud of. Here are examples and prompts on essays about myself .

It is good to reflect on ourselves from time to time. When applying for university or a new job, you may be asked to write about yourself to give the institution a better picture of yourself. Self-understanding and reflection are essential if you want to make a compelling argument for yourself.

Reflect on your life: look back on the people you’ve met, the places you’ve been, and the experiences you’ve had, and think about how they have shaped you into the person you have become today. Think of the bigger picture and be sure to consider who you are based on what others think and say about you, not just who you think you are.

If you are tasked with the prompt, “essays about myself,” keep reading to see some essay examples.

1. It’s My Life by Ann Smith

2. how i see myself by leticia woods, 3. the truth about myself by madeline dyer, 4. what we see in others is a reflection of ourselves by sandra brossman, 5. a letter to myself by gladys mclaughlin, 1. introducing yourself, 2. describing your strengths and weaknesses, 3. what sets you apart from others, 4. your beliefs and values, 5. an experience that has defined you as a person, 6. what family means to you, 7. your favorite pasttime.

“Sure, I’ve had bad experiences in my life too, but this is exactly what made me the way I am now: grateful, full of love, with a desire to study well because it will help me become a successful person in future and have a high quality of life. I believe that it is manifesting day by day and I feel even more responsibility for what I do and where I go. With all I already have, I know that I’m on the right path and I will do my best to inspire others to live the way they feel like living as well.”

In her essay, Smith describes her interests, habits, and qualities. She writes that she is sociable, enthusiastic about studying, and friendly. She also touches on others’ opinions of her- that she is funny. One of Smith’s hobbies is photography, which allowed her to meet her best friend. She aims to study hard so she can be successful on whatever path she may follow, and inspire others to live their best life.

“It is this drive that will carry me through my degree program and allow me to absorb the education that I receive and develop solid practical applications from this knowledge. I feel that I will eventually become highly successful in my chosen field because my past has clearly shown my commitment to excellence in every endeavor that I have chosen. Because I remain incredibly focused and committed for future success, I know that my future will be as rewarding as my past.”

Woods discusses how her identity helps her achieve her career goals. First, her commitment to her education is a great asset. Second, prior education and her service in the US Air Force allowed her to learn much about life, the world, and herself, and she was able to learn about different cultures. She believes that experience, devotion, and knowledge will allow her to achieve her dreams.

“I’m getting better as I recover from the brain inflammation which caused my OCD, but I want to have a day like that. A day where I can relax and enjoy life fully again. A day where I haven’t a care in the world. And for that, I need to be kind to myself. I need to relax and remove any pressure I place on myself.”

Dyer reflects on an important part of herself- her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Brain inflammation has made her a perfectionist, and she cannot relax. She is constantly compelled by an inner voice to do things she “should” be doing. She wants to be happy, and will try to shut off this voice by practicing self-affirmation. You might also be interested in these essays about discovering yourself .

“Believe it or not, forgiving YOURSELF is the most effective way to disengage from negative interactions with people. We can only love and accept others to the degree that we love and accept ourselves. When you make it a habit to learn from your relationships, eventually you will discover that you can observe negative traits within others without judgment and without getting hooked into someone else’s drama.”

In her essay, Brossman writes how we see what we desire for ourselves in others. Our relationships help us understand ourselves better; we see people’s bad qualities and criticize them, professing that we will not be like them. On the other hand, we see qualities we like and try to imitate them. To become a better version of yourself, you should learn from your relationships and emulate desirable qualities.

“I never tell anyone that I am tired of work or study. Success will come to those who get up and go far. This is my life motto which always reminds me of how vital it is to be hard-working and resilient towards failures. I learn that no matter what others say (even mother and father) if their

thoughts contradict my goals, I don’t have to listen to them. Nobody will live your life, and nobody should tell you who you are and what you are.”

Mclaughlin writes a letter to her future self, explaining what she envisions for herself in the coming years. She writes about who she is now and describes her vision for how much better she will be in the future. She believes that she will have great encounters that will teach her about life, a loving, kind family, and an independent spirit that will triumph over all her struggles

Writing Prompts For Essays About Myself

Essays About Myself: Introducing yourself

Write a basic description of yourself; describe where you live, your school or job, and your family and friends. You should also give readers a glimpse of your personality- are you outgoing, shy, or sporty? If you want to write more, you can also briefly explain your hobbies, interests, and skills.

Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses. Reflect on what you are good at and what you can improve on and select 1-2 from each to write about. Discuss what you can do to work on your weaknesses and improve yourself.

An essential part of yourself is your uniqueness; for a strong essay about “myself,” think about beliefs, qualities, or values that set you apart from others. Write about one or more, but be sure to explain your choices clearly. You can write about what separates you in the context of your family, friend group, culture, or even society as a whole.

Your beliefs and values are at the core of your being, as they guide the decisions you make every day. Discuss some of your basic beliefs and values and explain why they are important to you. For a stronger essay, be sure to explain how you use these in day-to-day life; give concrete examples of situations in which these beliefs and values are used.

We are all shaped by our past experiences. Reflect on an experience, whether that be an achievement, setback, or just a fun memory, and explain its significance to you. Retell the story in detail and describe how it has impacted you and helped make you the person you are today.

Essays About Myself: What family means to you?

More often than not, family plays a big role in forming us. To give readers a better idea of your identity, describe your idea of family. Discuss its significance, impact, and role in your life. You may also choose to write about how your family has helped shape you into who you are. This should be based on personal experience; refrain from using external sources to inspire you.

Our likes and dislikes are an important part of who we are as well; in your essay, discuss a hobby of yours, preferably one you have been interested in for a long period of time, and explain why you enjoy it so much. You should also write about how it has helped you become yourself and made you a better person.

Grammarly is one of our top grammar checkers. Find out why in this Grammarly review . If you’re stuck picking your next essay topic, check out our round-up of essay topics about education .

Martin is an avid writer specializing in editing and proofreading. He also enjoys literary analysis and writing about food and travel.

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How To Be More Satisfied With Your Life – 5 Steps Proven By Research

I’ve posted a lot about the research around how to be happier . But being satisfied with your life is something a little different.

Daniel Kahneman, Nobel Prize winner and author of Thinking, Fast and Slow , gave a TED talk where he explained the two pretty well:

Happiness is being happy in your life . We experience it immediately and in the moment.

Life satisfaction is being happy about your life . It is the happiness that exists when we talk about the past and the big picture.

There’s plenty of information about the former — but what about the latter?

What can we do to not just be happy in the moment, but to feel satisfied with our lives?

Here’s are five things research says can make a difference for you:

Having a lot of close friends boosts life satisfaction by nearly 20%.

Via 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life :

Having more close friendships was associated with a 19 percent greater life satisfaction and a 23 percent greater sense of optimism. – Richburg 1998

In fact, having a better social life can be worth as much as an additional $131,232 a year in terms of life satisfaction .

Like your neighbors? That’s a double digit boost in life satisfaction too.

Positive feelings about neighbors have been found to be associated with a 16 percent greater life satisfaction and a 25 percent lower likelihood of experiencing feelings of loneliness. – Prezza et al. 2001

Why does religion — any religion — make people so much happier?

It’s the friends that a religious community provides. A group of ten supportive friends seems to be the magic number.

Via The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More :

After examining studies of more than three thousand adults, Chaeyoon Lin and Robert Putnam found that what religion you practice or however close you feel to God makes no difference in your overall life satisfaction. What matters is the number of friends you have in your religious community. Ten is the magic number; if you have that many, you’ll be happier. Religious people, in other words, are happier because they feel connected to a community of like-minded people.

But it’s not all about what you get from friends; giving is extraordinarily powerful too.

Are you mentoring a young person? It’s 4 times more predictive of happiness than your health or how much money you make.

Age, income, and health are four times less likely to predict whether a person is happy than is whether the person feels he or she is having a positive effect on a younger person. – Azarow 2003

(More on how to make and keep friends here .)

Have A Life Story

Research shows that meaning in life comes from the stories we tell ourselves about our lives .

Ever tried writing that story down? People who do are more than 10% happier with their lives.

People who wrote about the history of their lives were 11 percent more likely to feel happy with their lives and 17 percent more likely to feel optimistic about the future. – Yamada 2000

Knowing your family tree gets you a bump in satisfaction as well.

People who were interested in their family and ethnic histories were 6 percent more likely to feel satisfied with their lives. – Mowrer and McCarver 2002

Children who know the stories of those who came before them have higher self-esteem and a sense of control over their lives.

Marshall and Robyn asked those questions of four dozen families in the summer of 2001, and also taped several of their dinner table conversations. They then compared the children’s results to a battery of psychological tests and reached some overwhelming conclusions. The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem, and the more successfully they believed their families functioned.

(More on how to shape the story of your own life here .)

People with goals are nearly 20% more satisfied with their lives.

People who could identify a goal they were pursuing were 19 percent more likely to feel satisfied with their lives and 26 percent more likely to feel positive about themselves. – Krueger 1998

Those who are passionate about something score higher across the board on positive psychological indicators.

Via Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined :

Elderly individuals who were harmoniously passionate scored higher on various indicators of psychological adjustment, such as life satisfaction, meaning in life, and vitality, while they reported lower levels of negative indicators of psychological adjustment such as anxiety and depression.

Goals doesn’t mean you need to win an Oscar or make a million dollars.

A consistent amount of minor success produces much more satisfaction than occasionally bagging an elephant.

Via The 100 Simple Secrets of Successful People :

Life satisfaction is 22 percent more likely for those with a steady stream of minor accomplishments than those who express interest only in major accomplishments. – Orlick 1998

Not seeing the success you’d like? Don’t give up. Having grit was associated with more life satisfaction.

The capacity to continue trying despite repeated setbacks was associated with a more optimistic outlook on life in 31 percent of people studied, and with greater life satisfaction in 42 percent of them. – Meulemann 2001

(More about setting goals the right way here .)

Money Isn’t The Answer

The more materialistic people are, the less satisfied they are with their lives.

Among participants in one study, those whose values were the most materialistic rated their lives as the least satisfying. – Ryan and Dziurawiec 2001

Spending more money on gifts made holidays less enjoyable.

Among parents studied, greater expenditures for family gifts actually reduced satisfaction with family holidays by 2 percent. – Kasser and Sheldon 2002

Having meaning in your life increases life satisfaction twice as much as wealth.

Those with a modest income who felt there was meaning in their lives were twice as likely to experience life satisfaction as were those who were wealthier but who felt that their lives lacked a sense of meaning. – Debats 1999

(More on the things proven to increase happiness here .)

Keep Growing

No, I don’t mean eat more cookies.

Have you seen changes in what you believe over the past few months? That’s a good thing.

People over forty who could identify at least one change in their viewpoints or behavior in recent months were 8 percent more likely to feel hopeful about the future and 5 percent more likely to say they were generally in a good mood. – Grossbaum and Bates 2002

Older people who continue to read and learn are much more satisfied with their lives.

People over the age of fifty who said they continued to learn about topics that interested them were 18 percent more likely to feel satisfied with their lives and 43 percent more likely to feel vital. – Helterbran 1999

Keeping an open mind pays huge dividends as the years go by.

Via 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families :

Studies focusing on the ability of people to maintain happiness as they age reveal that an openness to change in both family life and work life is associated with a 23 percent greater likelihood of maintaining high levels of life satisfaction. – Crosnoe and Elder 2002

But don’t change everything — maintaining strong core values is important.

A willingness to compromise on trivial matters was associated with 62 percent more positive social relations, but a willingness to compromise on matters of values and personal vision was associated with 34 percent less life satisfaction. – Bargdill 1998

(More on how to make sure you never stop growing and learning here .)

Keep in mind the 5 ways to increase life satisfaction:

I really think that fifth one is key. If you can’t learn, you can’t improve.

As the Stoic philosopher Seneca once said:

As long as you live, keep learning how to live.

Join 45K+ readers. Get a free weekly update via email here .

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This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree .

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Your chance of acceptance, your chancing factors, extracurriculars, how do i write a good essay about myself.

I'm struggling with writing my college essay. How can I write a compelling and genuine essay about myself without it sounding boring or braggy? Any tips would really help!

First, I understand that writing a personal essay can be challenging, but with a little guidance and practice, you can create a compelling piece. Here are some steps to help you write a strong essay:

1. Choose a unique angle: Instead of providing a broad overview of your life, focus on a specific experience, interest, or aspect of your personality that has shaped who you are. This will make your essay more focused and memorable.

2. Show, don't tell: Instead of simply stating your qualities, provide concrete examples of how you've demonstrated those characteristics. Use vivid details, anecdotes, and sensory language to bring your story to life.

3. Be authentic: Be genuine in your writing and don't try to present yourself as someone you're not. Admissions officers want to get to know the real you, so let your personality shine through.

4. Reflect on your experiences: Point out the lessons you've learned and how those experiences have influenced your growth and decision-making. This will show maturity and self-awareness, which are traits that colleges value.

5. Avoid clichés: Steer clear of overused phrases, ideas, or experiences. Make sure your essay stands out by giving it a fresh and original perspective.

6. Edit and revise: Once you have a draft of your essay, review it for clarity, grammar, punctuation, and flow. Make sure that each paragraph supports the central theme of your essay and that your writing is concise and engaging.

7. Get feedback: Share your essay with teachers, family members, or friends to gain different perspectives. Incorporate their feedback to help refine your essay and ensure it's an accurate representation of yourself.

For example, if you have a passion for community service, you might write about a specific volunteer experience that had a significant impact on you. Talk about the challenges you faced, the people you helped, and the lessons you learned. Make sure to incorporate personal stories and reflections to give your essay depth and substance.

Remember, a good college essay showcases your personality, values, and growth. By following these steps, you can create a compelling and genuine essay that will leave a lasting impression on admissions officers. Good luck!

About CollegeVine’s Expert FAQ

CollegeVine’s Q&A seeks to offer informed perspectives on commonly asked admissions questions. Every answer is refined and validated by our team of admissions experts to ensure it resonates with trusted knowledge in the field.

What are your chances of acceptance?

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Your chancing factors

Extracurriculars.

15 Tips for Writing a College Essay About Yourself

What’s covered:.

What is the Purpose of the College Essay?
How to Stand Out Without Showing Off
15 Tips for Writing an Essay About Yourself
Where to Get Free Feedback on Your Essay

Most students who apply to top-tier colleges have exceptional grades, standardized test scores, and extracurricular activities. How do admissions officers decide which applicants to choose among all these stellar students? One way is on the strength of their college essay .

This personal statement, along with other qualitative factors like teacher recommendations, helps the admissions committee see who you really are—the person behind the transcript. So, it’s obviously important to write a great one.

What Is the Purpose of the College Essay?

Your college essay helps you stand out in a pool of qualified candidates. If effective, it will also show the admissions committee more of your personality and allow them to get a sense of how you’ll fit in with and contribute to the student body and institution. Additionally, it will show the school that you can express yourself persuasively and clearly in writing, which is an important part of most careers, no matter where you end up.

Typically, students must submit a personal statement (usually the Common App essay ) along with school-specific supplements. Some students are surprised to learn that essays typically count for around 25% of your entire application at the top 250 schools. That’s an enormous chunk, especially considering that, unlike your transcript and extracurriculars, it isn’t an assessment of your entire high school career.

The purpose of the college essay is to paint a complete picture of yourself, showing admissions committees the person behind the grades and test scores. A strong college essay shows your unique experiences, personality, perspective, interests, and values—ultimately, what makes you unique. After all, people attend college, not their grades or test scores. The college essay also provides students with a considerable amount of agency in their application, empowering them to share their own stories.

How to Stand Out Without Showing Off

It’s important to strike a balance between exploring your achievements and demonstrating humility. Your aim should be to focus on the meaning behind the experience and how it changed your outlook, not the accomplishment itself.

Confidence without cockiness is the key here. Don’t simply catalog your achievements, there are other areas on your application to share them. Rather, mention your achievements when they’re critical to the story you’re telling. It’s helpful to think of achievements as compliments, not highlights, of your college essay.

Take this essay excerpt , for example:

My parents’ separation allowed me the space to explore my own strengths and interests as each of them became individually busier. As early as middle school, I was riding the light rail train by myself, reading maps to get myself home, and applying to special academic programs without urging from my parents. Even as I took more initiatives on my own, my parents both continued to see me as somewhat immature. All of that changed three years ago, when I applied and was accepted to the SNYI-L summer exchange program in Morocco. I would be studying Arabic and learning my way around the city of Marrakesh. Although I think my parents were a little surprised when I told them my news, the addition of a fully-funded scholarship convinced them to let me go.

Instead of saying “ I received this scholarship and participated in this prestigious program, ” the author tells a story, demonstrating their growth and initiative through specific actions (riding the train alone, applying academic programs on her own, etc.)—effectively showing rather than telling.

15 Tips for Writing an Essay About Yourself

1. start early .

Leave yourself plenty of time to write your college essay—it’s stressful enough to compose a compelling essay without putting yourself under a deadline. Starting early on your essay also leaves you time to edit and refine your work, have others read your work (for example, your parents or a teacher), and carefully proofread.

2. Choose a topic that’s meaningful to you

The foundation of a great essay is selecting a topic that has real meaning for you. If you’re passionate about the subject, the reader will feel it. Alternatively, choosing a topic you think the admissions committee is looking for, but isn’t all that important to you, won’t make for a compelling essay; it will be obvious that you’re not very invested in it.

3. Show your personality

One of the main points of your college essay is to convey your personality. Admissions officers will see your transcript and read about the awards you’ve won, but the essay will help them get to know you as a person. Make sure your personality is evident in each part—if you are a jokester, incorporate some humor. Your friends should be able to pick your essay from an anonymous pile, read it, and recognize it as yours. In that same vein, someone who doesn’t know you at all should feel like they understand your personality after reading your essay.

4. Write in your own voice

In order to bring authenticity to your essay, you’ll need to write in your own voice. Don’t be overly formal (but don’t be too casual, either). Remember: you want the reader to get to know the real you, not a version of you that comes across as overly stiff or stilted. You should feel free to use contractions, incorporate dialogue, and employ vocabulary that comes naturally to you.

5. Use specific examples

Real, concrete stories and examples will help your essay come to life. They’ll add color to your narrative and make it more compelling for the reader. The goal, after all, is to engage your audience—the admissions committee.

For example, instead of stating that you care about animals, you should tell us a story about how you took care of an injured stray cat.

Consider this side-by-side comparison:

Example 1: I care deeply about animals and even once rescued a stray cat. The cat had an injured leg, and I helped nurse it back to health.

Example 2: I lost many nights of sleep trying to nurse the stray cat back to health. Its leg infection was extremely painful, and it meowed in distress up until the wee hours of the morning. I didn’t mind it though; what mattered was that the cat regained its strength. So, I stayed awake to administer its medicine and soothe it with loving ear rubs.

The second example helps us visualize this situation and is more illustrative of the writer’s personality. Because she stayed awake to care for the cat, we can infer that she is a compassionate person who cares about animals. We don’t get the same depth with the first example.

6. Don’t be afraid to show off…

You should always put your best foot forward—the whole point of your essay is to market yourself to colleges. This isn’t the time to be shy about your accomplishments, skills, or qualities.

7. …While also maintaining humility

But don’t brag. Demonstrate humility when discussing your achievements. In the example above, for instance, the author discusses her accomplishments while noting that her parents thought of her as immature. This is a great way to show humility while still highlighting that she was able to prove her parents wrong.

8. Be vulnerable

Vulnerability goes hand in hand with humility and authenticity. Don’t shy away from exploring how your experience affected you and the feelings you experienced. This, too, will help your story come to life.

Here’s an excerpt from a Common App essay that demonstrates vulnerability and allows us to connect with the writer:

“You ruined my life!” After months of quiet anger, my brother finally confronted me. To my shame, I had been appallingly ignorant of his pain.

Despite being twins, Max and I are profoundly different. Having intellectual interests from a young age that, well, interested very few of my peers, I often felt out of step in comparison with my highly-social brother. Everything appeared to come effortlessly for Max and, while we share an extremely tight bond, his frequent time away with friends left me feeling more and more alone as we grew older.

In this essay, the writer isn’t afraid to share his insecurities and feelings with us. He states that he had been “ appallingly ignorant ” of his brother’s pain, that he “ often felt out of step ” compared to his brother, and that he had felt “ more and more alone ” over time. These are all emotions that you may not necessarily share with someone you just met, but it’s exactly this vulnerability that makes the essay more raw and relatable.

9. Don’t lie or hyperbolize

This essay is about the authentic you. Lying or hyperbolizing to make yourself sound better will not only make your essay—and entire application—less genuine, but it will also weaken it. More than likely, it will be obvious that you’re exaggerating. Plus, if colleges later find out that you haven’t been truthful in any part of your application, it’s grounds for revoking your acceptance or even expulsion if you’ve already matriculated.

10. Avoid cliches

How the COVID-19 pandemic changed your life. A sports victory as a metaphor for your journey. How a pet death altered your entire outlook. Admissions officers have seen more essays on these topics than they can possibly count. Unless you have a truly unique angle, then it’s in your best interest to avoid them. Learn which topics are cliche and how to fix them .

11. Proofread

This is a critical step. Even a small error can break your essay, however amazing it is otherwise. Make sure you read it over carefully, and get another set of eyes (or two or three other sets of eyes), just in case.

12. Abstain from using AI

There are a handful of good reasons to avoid using artificial intelligence (AI) to write your college essay. Most importantly, it’s dishonest and likely to be not very good; AI-generated essays are generally formulaic, generic, and boring—everything you’re trying to avoid being. The purpose of the college essay is to share what makes you unique and highlight your personal experiences and perspectives, something that AI can’t capture.

13. Use parents as advisors, not editors

The voice of an adult is different from that of a high schooler and admissions committees are experts at spotting the writing of parents. Parents can play a valuable role in creating your college essay—advising, proofreading, and providing encouragement during those stressful moments. However, they should not write or edit your college essay with their words.

14. Have a hook

Admissions committees have a lot of essays to read and getting their attention is essential for standing out among a crowded field of applicants. A great hook captures your reader’s imagination and encourages them to keep reading your essay. Start strong, first impressions are everything!

15. Give them something to remember

The ending of your college essay is just as important as the beginning. Give your reader something to remember by composing an engaging and punchy paragraph or line—called a kicker in journalism—that ties everything you’ve written above together.

Where to Get Free Feedback on Your College Essay

Before you send off your application, make sure you get feedback from a trusted source on your essay. CollegeVine’s free peer essay review will give you the support you need to ensure you’ve effectively presented your personality and accomplishments. Our expert essay review pairs you with an advisor to help you refine your writing, submit your best work, and boost your chances of getting into your dream school. Find the right advisor for you and get started on honing a winning essay.

4.2 The Feeling Self: Self-Esteem

Learning objectives.

Define self-esteem, and explain how it is measured by social psychologists.
Provide examples of ways that people attempt to increase and maintain their self-esteem.
Outline the benefits of having high self-esteem.
Define self-monitoring and self-presentation, and explain how we may use the social situation to increase our status and self-esteem.
Review the limits of self-esteem, with a focus on the negative aspects of narcissism.

Although the self is partly determined by our thoughts about ourselves, we are also the product of our emotions. I am certain that Matt Harding dances, at least in part, because he likes dancing and because dancing makes him feel good. In fact, we all want to feel positively about ourselves, and we work hard to be able to do so.

Self-Esteem Is Our Positive or Negative Attitude Toward Ourselves

Self-esteem refers to the positive (high self-esteem) or negative (low self-esteem) feelings that we have about ourselves . We experience the positive feelings of high self-esteem when we believe that we are good and worthy and that others view us positively. We experience the negative feelings of low self-esteem when we believe that we are inadequate and less worthy than others.

Our self-esteem is determined by many factors, including how well we view our own performance, our own appearance, and how satisfied we are with our relationships with other people (Tafarodi & Swann, 1995). Self-esteem is in part a trait that is stable over time, such that some people have relatively high self-esteem and others have lower self-esteem. But our self-esteem is also a state that varies day to day and even hour to hour. When we have succeeded at an important task, when we have done something that we think is useful or important, or when we feel that we are accepted and valued by others, our self-concept will contain many positive thoughts and we will therefore have high self-esteem. When we have failed, done something harmful, or feel that we have been ignored or criticized, the negative aspects of the self-concept are more accessible and we experience low self-esteem.

Self-esteem can be measured using both explicit and implicit measures, and both approaches find that people tend to view themselves positively. One common self-report measure of self-esteem is the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale. Higher numbers on the scale indicate higher self-esteem, and the average score for college students who complete the scale is about 3 on a 1 to 4 scale, demonstrating that by and large, people have high self-esteem.

The Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale

Please rate yourself on the following items by writing a number in the blank before each statement, where you

1 = Strongly Disagree 2 = Disagree 3 = Agree 4 = Strongly Agree

_____I feel that I’m a person of worth, at least on any equal base with others.
_____I feel that I have a number of good qualities.
_____All in all, I am inclined to think that I am a failure (R).
_____I am able to do things as well as other people.
_____I feel I do not have much to be proud of. (R)
_____I take a positive attitude towards myself.
_____On the whole, I am satisfied with myself.
_____I wish I could have more respect for myself. (R)
_____I certainly feel useless at times. (R)
_____At times I think I am no good at all. (R)

Note. (R) denotes an item that should be reverse scored. Subtract your response on these items from 5 before calculating the total. Data are from Rosenberg (1965).

One problem with measures such as the Rosenberg scale is that they can be influenced by the desire to portray the self positively. The observed scores on the Rosenberg scale are likely inflated because people naturally try to make themselves look as if they have very high self-esteem—maybe they fib a bit to make themselves look better than they really are to the experimenters and perhaps also to make themselves feel better.

More indirect measures of self-esteem have been created—measures that may provide a more accurate picture of the self-concept because they are less influenced by the desire to make a positive impression. Anthony Greenwald and Shelly Farnham (2000) used the Implicit Association Test to study the self-concept indirectly. Participants worked at a computer and were presented with a series of words, each of which they were to categorize in one of two ways. One categorization decision involved whether the words were related to the self (e.g., me, myself, mine ) or to another person ( other, them, their ). A second categorization decision involved determining whether words were pleasant ( joy, smile, pleasant ) or unpleasant ( pain, death, tragedy ).

On some trials, the self words were paired with the pleasant items, and the other words with the unpleasant items. On other trials, the self words were paired with the unpleasant items, and the other words with the pleasant items. Greenwald and Farnham found that on average, participants were significantly faster at categorizing positive words that were presented with self words than they were at categorizing negative words that were presented with self words, suggesting, again, that people did have positive self-esteem. Furthermore, there were also meaningful differences among people in the speed of responding, suggesting that the measure captured individual variation in self-esteem.

Brett Pelham and his colleagues (Jones, Pelham, Mirenberg, & Hetts, 2002; Koole & Pelham, 2003; Pelham, Carvallo, & Jones, 2005) have taken still another approach to assessing self-esteem indirectly, by measuring a concept that they call implicit egoism . In their research, they have found that people prefer things that are associated with their own names to things that are not associated with their own names. More specifically, people prefer their own initials to the initials of other people, and prefer other people who share their initials to those who don’t. And Brendl, Chattopadhyay, Pelham, and Carvallo (2005) found similar results for brand names, such that people are more likely to choose a brand when the brand name starts with letters from their names than when the brand name does not. Thus these indirect measures also came to the same conclusion that the direct measures do—most people have positive self-esteem in the sense that they regard themselves, and things associated with themselves, positively.

Collage: A woman talking on a phone, a man walking his dog, a man tightning his tie, a woman looking at the camera through a mirror

People value themselves and the things they own.

Fred Seibert – 321 – CC BY-NC-ND 2.0; FaceMePLS – Walking the dog – CC BY 2.0; Flazingo Photos – Individual in a Suit – CC BY-SA 2.0; Sascha Knauf – Look – CC BY-NC 2.0.

Maintaining and Enhancing Self-Esteem

Because it is so important to have self-esteem, we naturally try to get and maintain it. One way is to be successful at what we do. When we get a good grade on a test, perform well in a sports match, or get a date with someone that we really like, our self-esteem naturally rises. One reason that most people have positive self-esteem is because we are generally successful at creating positive lives. When we fail in one domain, we tend to move on until we find something that we are good at. Most of us realize that we cannot hang out with the most attractive person on campus, and so we generally don’t set ourselves up for failure by trying to. We don’t always expect to get the best grade on every test or to be the best player on the team. Therefore, we are not surprised or that hurt when those things don’t happen. In short, we feel good about ourselves because we do a pretty good job at creating decent lives.

Research Focus

Processing Information to Enhance the Self

Although we are all quite good at creating positive self-esteem by doing positive things, it turns out that we do not stop there. The desire to see ourselves positively is strong enough that it leads us to seek out, process, and remember information in a way that allows us to see ourselves even more positively.

Sanitioso, Kunda, and Fong (1990) had students from Princeton University read about a study that they were told had been conducted by psychologists at Stanford University (the study was actually fictitious). The students were randomly assigned to two groups, such that one group read that the results of the research had showed that extroverts did better than introverts in academic or professional settings after graduating from college, while the other group read that introverts did better than extroverts on the same dimensions. The students then wrote explanations for why this might be true.

The experimenter then thanked the participants and led them to another room, where a second study was to be conducted (you will have guessed already that although the participants did not think so, the two experiments were really part of the same experiment). In the “second” experiment, participants were given a questionnaire that supposedly was investigating what different personality dimensions meant to people in terms of their own experience and behavior. The students were asked to list behaviors that they had performed in the past that related to the dimension of “shy” versus “outgoing”—a dimension that is very close in meaning to the introversion-extroversion dimension that they had read about in the first experiment.

The following figure shows the number of students in each condition who listed an extroverted behavior first, and the number who listed an introverted behavior first. You can see that the first memory listed by participants in both conditions tended to reflect the dimension that they had read was related to success according to the research presented in the first experiment. In fact, 62% of the students who had just learned that extroversion was related to success listed a memory about an extroverted behavior first, whereas only 38% of the students who had just learned that introversion was related to success listed an extroverted behavior first.

Figure 4.4 Enhancing the Self

Sanitioso, Kunda, and Fong (1990) found that students who had learned that extroverts did better than introverts after graduating from college tended to list extroverted memories about themselves, whereas those who learned that introverts did better than extroverts tended to list introverted memories.

It appears that the participants drew from their memories those instances of their own behavior that reflected the trait that had the most positive implications for their self-esteem—either introversion or extroversion, depending on experimental condition. The desire for positive self-esteem made events that were consistent with a positive self-perception more accessible, and thus they were listed first on the questionnaire.

Other research has confirmed this general principle—people attempt to create positive self-esteem whenever possible, even it if may involve distorting reality. We take credit for our successes, and we blame our failures on others. We remember our positive experiences, and we tend to forget the negative ones. We judge our likelihood of success and happiness as greater than our likelihood of failure and unhappiness. We think that our sense of humor and our honesty are above average, and that we are better drivers and less prejudiced than others. We also distort (in a positive way, of course) our memories of our grades, our performances on exams, and our romantic experiences. And we believe that we can control the events that we will experience to a greater extent than we really can (Crocker & Park, 2004).

We Use Self-Presentation to Increase Our Status and Self-Esteem

Although self-esteem comes in part from our personal accomplishments, it is also influenced by the social situation. Positive self-esteem occurs not only when we do well in our own eyes but also when we feel that we are positively perceived by the other people we care about. Think about Dancing Matt as an example—he may love to dance for himself, but he also seems to enjoy sharing his dancing with others. Perhaps Matt feels good about himself in part because he knows that other people like to watch him. Social status refers to the extent to which we are viewed positively and are esteemed by others .

Collage: A legless beggar on the street, and a man standing next to a limo

We express our social status to others in a variety of ways.

Adam Howarth – Legless Beggar – CC BY-NC-ND 2.0; Aquistbe – Zack Big Limo – CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Because it is so important to be seen as competent and productive members of society, people naturally attempt to present themselves as positively as they can to others. We attempt to convince others that we are good and worthy people by appearing attractive, strong, intelligent, and likable and by saying positive things to others (Jones & Pittman, 1982; Leary, 1995; Schlenker, 2003). The tendency to present a positive self-image to others, with the goal of increasing our social status , is known as self-presentation , and it is a basic and natural part of everyday life. Again, the dynamic interplay between the person and the situation is apparent—our individual self-esteem is influenced in large part by how we think others perceive us.

One way to self-present is to display our positive physical characteristics. The reason that so many of us spend money on teeth whiteners, hair dye, face-lifts, and fashion accessories of every sort is in part the result of the desire to self-present—we want to look good to others so that they will like us. We can also earn status by collecting expensive possessions such as fancy cars and big houses and by trying to associate with high-status others. And we may also gain status by attempting to dominate or intimidate others in social interaction. People who talk more and louder and those who initiate more social interactions are afforded higher status. A businessman who greets others with a strong handshake and a smile and people who speak out strongly for their opinions in group discussions may be attempting to do so as well. In some cases, people may even resort to aggressive behavior, such as bullying, in attempts to improve their status (Baumeister, Smart, & Boden, 1996).

You might not be surprised to hear that men and women use different approaches to self-presentation. Men are more likely to present themselves in an assertive way, by speaking and interrupting others, by visually focusing on the other person when they are speaking, and by leaning their bodies into the conversation. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to be modest—they tend to create status by laughing and smiling, and by reacting more positively to the statements of others (Dovidio, Brown, Heltman, Ellyson, & Keation, 1988).

These gender differences are probably in large part socially determined as a result of the different reinforcements that men and women receive for using self-presentational strategies. Speaking out and acting assertively is more effective for men than it is for women because our stereotypes about the appropriate behavior for women do not include assertive behavior. Women who act assertively may be seen negatively because they violate our expectations about appropriate behavior. In fact, because self-presenting in an assertive way is not as effective for women, it can be difficult for women to gain power in organizations (Carli, 2001). But the observed gender differences in self-presentation are also due in part to the presence of testosterone, which is higher in men. Both women and men with more testosterone are more assertive (Baker, Pearcey, & Dabbs, 2002; Dabbs, Hargrove, & Heusel, 1996).

Different self-presentation strategies may be used to create different emotions in other people, and the use of these strategies may be evolutionarily selected because they are successful (Kessler & Cohrs, 2008). Edward Jones and Thane Pittman (1982) described five self-presentation strategies, each of which is expected to create a resulting emotion in the other person.

The goal of ingratiation is to create liking by using flattery or charm.
The goal of intimidation is to create fear by showing that you can be aggressive.
The goal of exemplification is to create guilt by showing that you are a better person than the other.
The goal of supplication is to create pity by indicating to others that you are helpless and needy.
The goal of self-promotion is to create respect by persuading others that you are competent.

Collage: a man in SWAT gear, a woman pointing a finger, a tiger roaring, a wolf growling

Attempts to impress and intimidate others to gain status are not unique to humans.

Jason Hargrove – Intimidation – CC BY 2.0; Luke Addison – Angry Mandy! – CC BY-SA 2.0; Tambako The Jaguar – Angry tigress – CC BY-NC-ND 2.0; Tambako The Jaguar – Angry wolf – CC BY-NC 2.0.

No matter who is using it, self-presentation can easily be overdone, and when it is, it backfires. People who overuse the ingratiation technique and who are seen as obviously and strategically trying to impress or get others to like them are not liked. Nor are people who exemplify or self-promote by boasting or bragging, particularly if that boasting does not appear to reflect their true characteristics (Wosinska, Dabul, Whetstone-Dion, & Cialdini, 1996). And using intimidation is also likely to backfire—acting more modestly may often be more effective. Again, the point is clear—we may want to self-promote with the goal of getting others to like us, but we must also be careful to take into consideration the point of view of the other person as well.

We use self-presentation to try to convince others that we are good and worthy people. When we are successful in our self-presentation and other people view us positively, we have high social status . When we perceive that we have high social status, we experience positive self-esteem .

In summary, although the variables of self-esteem, social status, and self-presentation are separate concepts with different meanings, they all are related, as you can see in Figure 4.5 . We feel good about ourselves (we have high self-esteem ) when we have high social status . And we can gain status by convincing other people that we are good people ( self-presentation ). Because these concepts are important parts of everyday life, we will return to them frequently throughout this book.

Self-Monitoring and Self-Presentation

Although the desire to present the self favorably is a natural part of everyday life, both person and situation factors influence the extent to which we do it. For one, we are more likely to self-present in some situations than in others. When we are applying for a job or meeting with others whom we need to impress, we naturally become more attuned to the social aspects of the self, and our self-presentation increases.

And there are also individual differences. Some people are naturally better at self-presentation—they enjoy doing it and are good at it—whereas others find self-presentation less desirable or more difficult. An important individual-difference variable known as self-monitoring has been shown, in hundreds of studies, to have a major impact on self-presentation. Self-monitoring refers to the tendency to be both motivated and capable of regulating our behavior to meet the demands of social situations (Gangestad & Snyder, 2000). High self-monitors are particularly good at reading the emotions of others and therefore are better at fitting into social situations—they agree with statements such as “In different situations and with different people, I often act like very different persons” and “I guess I put on a show to impress or entertain people.” Low self-monitors, on the other hand, generally act on their own attitudes, even when the social situation suggests that they should behave otherwise. Low self-monitors are more likely to agree with statements such as “At parties and social gatherings, I do not attempt to do or say things that others will like” and “I can only argue for ideas that I already believe.” In short, high self-monitors try to get other people to like them by behaving in ways that the others find desirable (they are good self-presenters), whereas low self-monitors do not.

In one experiment that showed the importance of self-monitoring, Cheng and Chartrand (2003) had college students interact individually with another student (actually an experimental confederate) whom they thought they would be working with on an upcoming task. While they were interacting, the confederate subtly touched her own face several times, and the researchers recorded the extent to which the student participant mimicked the confederate by also touching his or her own face.

The situational variable was the status of the confederate. Before the meeting began, and according to random assignment to conditions, the students were told either that they would be the leader and that the other person would be the worker on the upcoming task, or vice versa. The person variable was self-monitoring, and each participant was classified as either high or low on self-monitoring on the basis of his or her responses to the self-monitoring scale.

High self-monitors imitated more when the person they were interacting with was of higher (versus lower) status. Low self-monitors were not sensitive to the status of the other. Data are from Cheng and Chartrand (2003).

As you can see in Figure 4.6 , Cheng and Chartrand found an interaction effect: The students who had been classified as high self-monitors were more likely to mimic the behavior of the confederate when she was described as being the leader than when she was described as being the worker, indicating that they were “tuned in” to the social situation and modified their behavior to appear more positively. Although the low self-monitors did mimic the other person, they did not mimic her more when the other was high, versus low, status. This finding is quite consistent with the idea that the high self-monitors were particularly aware of the other person’s status and attempted to self-present more positively to the high-status leader. The low self-monitors, on the other hand—because they feel less need to impress overall—did not pay much attention to the other person’s status.

Narcissism and the Limits of Self-Enhancement

Our discussion to this point suggests that people will generally try to view themselves in the most positive possible light and to present themselves to others as favorably as they can. We emphasize our positive characteristics, and we may even in some cases distort information—all to help us maintain positive self-esteem.

There is a negative aspect to having too much self-esteem, however, at least when the esteem is unrealistic and undeserved. Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by overly high self-esteem, self-admiration, and self-centeredness . Narcissists agree with statements such as the following:

“I know that I am good because everybody keeps telling me so.”
“I can usually talk my way out of anything.”
“I like to be the center of attention.”
“I have a natural talent for influencing people.”

People do not normally like narcissists because they are unrealistic and think only of themselves. Narcissists make bad romantic partners—they behave selfishly and are always ready to look for someone else who they think will be a better mate, and they are likely to be unfaithful (Campbell & Foster, 2002; Campbell, Rudich, & Sedikides, 2002). Narcissists may also be obnoxious, continually interrupting and bullying others, and they may respond very negatively to criticism. Although they make positive first impressions, people eventually see narcissists less positively than narcissists see themselves, in part because they are perceived as arrogant. Perhaps surprisingly, narcissists seem to understand these things about themselves, although they engage in the behaviors anyway (Carlson, Vazire, & Oltmanns, 2011).

Social Psychology in the Public Interest

Does High Self-Esteem Cause Happiness or Other Positive Outcomes?

Teachers, parents, school counselors, and people in general frequently assume that high self-esteem causes many positive outcomes for people who have it and therefore that we should try to increase it in ourselves and others. Perhaps you agree with the idea that if you could increase your self-esteem, you would feel better about yourself and therefore be able to study harder, get better grades, or attract a more desirable mate. If you do believe that, you would not be alone. In 1986, the state of California funded a task force under the premise that raising self-esteem would help solve many of the state’s problems, including crime, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, school underachievement, and pollution.

Roy Baumeister and his colleagues (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger, & Vohs, 2003) recently conducted an extensive review of the research literature to determine whether having high self-esteem was as helpful as many people seem to think it is. They began by assessing which variables were correlated with high self-esteem and then considered the extent to which high self-esteem caused these outcomes.

Baumeister and his colleagues found that high self-esteem does correlate with many positive outcomes. People with high self-esteem get better grades, are less depressed, feel less stress, and may even live longer than those who view themselves more negatively. The researchers also found that high self-esteem was correlated with greater initiative and activity, such that high self-esteem people just did more things. People with high self-esteem are more likely to be bullies, but they are also more likely to defend victims against bullies, compared with people with low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem are more likely to initiate interactions and relationships. They are more likely to speak up in groups and to experiment with alcohol, drugs, and sex. High self-esteem people also work harder in response to initial failure and are more willing to switch to a new line of endeavor if the present one seems unpromising. Thus having high self-esteem seems to be a valuable resource—people with high self-esteem are happier, more active, and in many ways better able to deal with their environment.

On the other hand, Baumeister and his colleagues also found that people with high self-esteem may sometimes delude themselves. High self-esteem people believe that they are more likable and attractive, have better relationships, and make better impressions on others than people with low self-esteem. But objective measures show that these beliefs are often distortions rather than facts. Furthermore, people with overly high self-esteem, particularly when it is accompanied by narcissism, defensiveness, conceit, and the unwillingness to critically assess one’s potential negative qualities, have been found to engage in a variety of negative behaviors (Baumeister, Smart, & Boden, 1996).

Todd Heatherton and Kathleen Vohs (2000) found that when people with extremely high self-esteem were forced to fail on a difficult task in front of a partner, they responded by acting more unfriendly, rudely, and arrogantly than did students with lower self-esteem. And research has found that children who inflate their social self-worth—those who think that they are more popular than they really are and who thus have unrealistically high self-esteem—are also more aggressive than the children who do not show such narcissistic tendencies (Sandstrom & Herlan, 2007; Thomaes, Bushman, Stegge, & Olthof, 2008). If you are thinking like a social psychologist, these findings may not surprise you—narcissists are all about self-concern, with little concern for others, and we have seen many times that other-concern is a necessity for satisfactory social relations.

Despite the many positive variables that relate to high self-esteem, when Baumeister and his colleagues looked at the causal role of self-esteem is they found little evidence that high self-esteem caused these positive outcomes. For instance, although high self-esteem is correlated with academic achievement, it is more the result than the cause of this achievement. Programs designed to boost the self-esteem of pupils have not been shown to improve academic performance, and laboratory studies have generally failed to find that manipulations of self-esteem cause better task performance.

In the end then, Baumeister and his colleagues concluded that programs designed to boost self-esteem should be used only in a limited way and should not be the only approach taken. Raising self-esteem will not make young people do better in school, obey the law, stay out of trouble, get along better with other people, or respect the rights of others. And these programs may even backfire, if the increased self-esteem creates narcissism or conceit. Baumeister and his colleagues suggested that attempts to boost self-esteem should only be carried out as a reward for good behavior and worthy achievements, and not simply to try to make children feel better about themselves.

Although we naturally desire to have social status and high self-esteem, we cannot always promote ourselves without any regard to the accuracy of our self-characterizations. If we consistently distort our capabilities, and particularly if we do this over a long period of time, we will just end up fooling ourselves and perhaps engaging in behaviors that are not actually beneficial to us. One of my colleagues has a son in high school who loves to think that he is an incredible golfer who could compete on the professional golf tour with the best golfers in the world. The problem, however, is that he’s actually only a pretty average golfer. His parents are worried about him because although they realize that his high self-esteem might propel him to work harder at this sport, and although he certainly enjoys thinking positively about himself, he may also be setting himself up for long-term failure. How long can he continue to consider himself in this overly positive way before the reality comes crashing down on him that perhaps he really is not cut out for a life on the professional golf circuit and that he should consider doing something else? The hope is that it will not be too late to take up a more reasonable career when he does.

When we promote ourselves too much, although we may feel good about it in the short term, in the longer term the outcomes for the self may not be that positive. The goal of creating and maintaining positive self-esteem (an affective goal) must be tempered by the cognitive goal of having an accurate self-view (Kirkpatrick & Ellis, 2001; Swann, Chang-Schneider, & Angulo, 2007). Although we may prefer to hold highly favorable views of ourselves, more accurate views would almost certainly be more useful because accurate information is likely to lead to better decision making. Indeed, research suggests that people do not only self-enhance; they also desire to be known for who they believe they are, even if what they are is not all good. When people enter into relationships with others who verify their self-views, for example, they feel more intimate with the other person and more are satisfied with the interaction than they do with partners who are always positive toward them (Swann, De La Ronde, & Hixon, 1994; Swann & Pelham, 2002). The desire for self-verifying feedback is so powerful that people who have negative self-esteem may in some cases work to verify those negative views by avoiding positive feedback in favor of negative, but self-verifying, feedback (Swann, Rentfrow, & Guinn, 2002).

In some cases, the cognitive goal of obtaining an accurate picture of ourselves and our social world and the affective goal of gaining positive self-esteem work hand in hand. Getting the best grade in the class on an important exam produces accurate knowledge about our skills in the domain as well as giving us some positive self-esteem. In other cases, the two goals are incompatible. Doing more poorly on an exam than we had hoped produces conflicting, contradictory outcomes. The poor score provides accurate information about the self—namely, that we have not mastered the subject—but at the same time makes us feel bad. It is in these cases that we must learn to reconcile our self-concept with our self-esteem. We must be able to accept our negative aspects and to work to overcome them. The ability to balance the cognitive and the affective features of the self helps us create efficient and effective behavior.

Jennifer Crocker and Lora Park (2004) have noted still another cost of our attempts to inflate our self-esteem: We may spend so much time trying to enhance our self-esteem in the eyes of others—by focusing on the clothes we are wearing, impressing others, and so forth—that we have little time left to really improve ourselves in more meaningful ways. And in some extreme cases, people experience such strong needs to improve their self-esteem and social status that they act in assertive or dominant ways in order to gain it. As in many other domains, then, having positive self-esteem is a good thing, but we must be careful to temper it with a healthy realism and a concern for others.

Key Takeaways

Self-esteem refers to the positive (high self-esteem) or negative (low self-esteem) feelings that we have about ourselves.
Self-esteem is determined both by our own achievements and accomplishments and by how we think others are judging us.
Self-esteem can be measured using both direct and indirect measures, and both approaches find that people tend to view themselves positively.
Because it is so important to have self-esteem, we may seek out, process, and remember information in a way that allows us to see ourselves even more positively.
The tendency to present a positive self-image to others, with the goal of increasing our social status, is known as self-presentation, and it is a basic and natural part of everyday life. Different self-presentation strategies may be used to create different emotions in other people.
The individual-difference variable of self-monitoring relates to the ability and desire to self-present.
High self-esteem is correlated with, but does not cause, a variety of positive outcomes.
Although high self-esteem does correlate with many positive outcomes in life, overly high self-esteem creates narcissism, which can lead to unfriendly, rude, and ultimately dysfunctional behaviors.

Exercises and Critical Thinking

In what ways do you attempt to boost your own self-esteem?
Describe some people you know who use some of the self-presentation strategies that were listed in this section. Do they seem to be effective or not?
Consider your own level of self-monitoring. Are you a high or a low self-monitor, and what makes you think so?
Do you know people who have appropriately high self-esteem? What about people who are narcissists? How do these individual differences influence their social behavior in positive and negative ways?

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Principles of Social Psychology Copyright © 2015 by University of Minnesota is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License , except where otherwise noted.

How to practice self-compassion and build a stable sense of confidence, according to experts

Being kinder to yourself pushes you to make positive changes

preview for 5 Unhelpful Habits to Replace

Feeling really, truly good about yourself may seem like a straightforward goal, but it's actually the result of developing both self-compassion and confidence.

Building the latter usually means improving your self-esteem—an internal judgment of your self-worth or 'an evaluation of worthiness,' says Kristin Neff, PhD, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

Perhaps the most talked-about method for pumping yourself up is to tip the needle in the direction you want, telling yourself to work harder, get stronger, and develop grit. But now, psych experts are poking holes in that theory, noting that while elevating your self-esteem can certainly be a pathway to more confidence, it has its pitfalls.

Self-esteem is tied to external validation, like compliments at work or likes on an IG post, so it’s fragile, says Christopher Germer, PhD, a lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. When things don’t go right, comparison, feelings of isolation, and criticism creep in.

Say you’re falling behind on your marathon-training plan and angry with yourself about it. You might think, I’ll try harder because I feel inadequate. In the short term, that may work. But in the long run? Nope. When you get down on yourself, you wind up doubting yourself, which makes it harder to take risks, learn, and grow. You become afraid of failure, and you’re more likely to give up than to try again.

An alternate way to a more assertive you: self-compassion, which involves showing yourself kindness when you’re struggling, failing, or noticing something you don’t love about yourself. Self-compassion isn’t about measuring up to expectations; it’s a way of relating to yourself as a human. By caring and expressing concern for yourself during hard times, you’re able to persevere and create changes.

.css-1cugboc{margin:0rem;font-size:2.125rem;line-height:1.2;font-family:Domaine,Domaine-roboto,Domaine-local,Georgia,Times,Serif;color:#f7623b;font-weight:bold;}.css-1cugboc em,.css-1cugboc i{font-style:italic;font-family:inherit;}.css-1cugboc b,.css-1cugboc strong{font-family:inherit;font-weight:bold;} 'We tend to think of self-compassion as passive, even unproductive, but that could not be further from the truth'

Well, yeah, feels kind of obvious, right? Let’s go back to the training scenario to paint the picture a little more clearly: With self-compassion, you’ll think, I’m going to try because I care about myself and I don’t want to suffer . That kind of motivation 'leads to more self-confidence,' Neff says. When you can sit with your pain and think through what you might need to achieve your goal—like waking up earlier for runs or scheduling them on your phone calendar—instead of spiralling over all the ways you’re failing, you’ll overcome challenges, building confidence and belief in yourself as you go. It’s a subtle change in reaction, but it makes a huge difference. 'Self-compassion gives you a stable source of self-competence, as opposed to a "sugar high,"' Neff says.

We tend to think of self-compassion as passive, even unproductive ('If I’m easy on myself, I’ll become complacent'). But that could not be further from the truth. There are two sides to self-compassion, Neff says. The tender side embodies the idea that although you are innately flawed, you are still worthy. And the fierce side says if you truly care about yourself, you accept yourself but don’t accept all of your behaviours, especially harmful ones. 'Part of caring for yourself means taking active steps to change,' says Neff. That’s where the power of self-compassion comes in.

But none of this is easy. We tend to be waaay nicer to others than we are to ourselves—and we’re quick to judge our shortcomings and failures. The good news is this is a trainable skill. 'It’s a muscle you can build,' says Neff.

What is self-compassion?

'Self-compassion is to accept yourself and give [yourself] the same grace and understanding you would give others,' says Reena B. Patel, BCBA, a board-certified behavioural analyst and positive psychologist. This can be especially hard since we often set high goals, standards, and ideals for ourselves, but self-compassion is accepting the current situation and not beating yourself up when things go awry, she adds.

In other words, self-compassion is gently accepting when you make a mistake and giving yourself room to fail, says Diana Gasperoni, LCSW-R, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of New York-based BeWELL Psychotherapy. 'Self-compassion will allow us to pick ourselves up and try again,' she explains. 'It allows us to grow and flourish.'

Self-compassion exercises to try

These six methods create a deeper understanding of self-compassion and will help you feel your best today and for years to come. Motivation, a better mood, and, yep, alllll the feel-good feelings, right this way…

1. Ask yourself: What do I need?

This is the question that guides the whole self-compassion cultivation agenda, says Germer. Say you missed a deadline and are being hard on yourself about it. Instead of spiralling into negative self-talk, figure out what you need—a few more hours of childcare, writing daily to-do lists—to problem-solve. This inquiry (part of the fierce side of self-compassion) provides resources and tools for change, eventually generating self-confidence as you’re able to learn and grow.

2. Put a hand on your heart.

Touching your heart or your cheek 'is probably the most widely used, simple, and physiologically transformative experience toward self-compassion,' says Germer. (You’re likely already doing it—when you receive bad news, you may instinctively put your hand on your heart!) This self-touch lowers cortisol levels, according to research published in Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology . Also, when you rub your chest, specifically, you may activate your vagus nerve, the main nerve of your parasympathetic (or 'rest and digest') system, Germer says.

3. Figure out when you just don’t have it in you.

Pinpoint times when you lack self-compassion, says Pooja Lakshmin, MD, author of Real Self-Care . Do you get in your head when you see an email from a certain coworker, or does negative self-talk bubble up every time you and your partner fight? Homing in on self-kindness in these moments can push you toward the type of change you’re looking for.

4. Reflect on how you speak to yourself.

Is the voice in your head positive or negative? 'Talking to ourselves in a positive way, especially when facing difficulties, is a great place to start with practicing self-compassion because you’re literally giving yourself grace and understanding when working through and accepting difficult situations,' says Patel.

When you make a mistake, shift your perspective, and reflect on what you can learn. 'It’s all about how you emotionally respond to yourself and how those responses affect your overall well-being and outlook on life.'

5. Acknowledge the small wins.

Set achievable goals and acknowledge the small wins, says Gasperoni. This can be as simple as setting a bedtime and sticking to it, or reading 10 pages of a book a day, she explains. Big changes often start with small steps, and this is also true for how we embody self-compassion and perceive and talk to ourselves, adds Patel.

6. Practice gratitude—for yourself.

If you’re disappointed in yourself, it can be hard to let go and move on. But instead of spiralling with negative self-talk, let yourself forgive and move on, says Patel. 'Be kind to yourself and practice self-love and gratitude ,' she explains. 'Expressing gratitude to yourself is being aware of the things that are affecting you and responding with appreciation.'

How to practice positive self-talk

The way you talk to yourself can fuel compassion, but acing positive self-talk is not simply telling yourself, 'Everything’s great!' Here's how to change your tune:

Notice the negativity

An easy way to cultivate a little TLC toward yourself is to practice a meditation tailored by Neff for this purpose: Focus on the mistakes or flaws that have been bothering you lately, then find where the emotions about them tend to end up in your body, like a tightness in your jaw or tension in your shoulders. Allow those feelings to sit in your body instead of resisting or rejecting them. This lets you get in touch with the suffering caused by your criticisms or the belief that you have to be perfect.

Make a wish

Germer favors the use of wishes over positive self-statements (like 'I’m getting stronger!'). Wishes, such as 'May I accept every part of me,' are like 'surrounding yourself with sacred company rather than the nasty chatter in our own minds,' he says. Plus, they encourage growth.

Replace the word should

Ever find yourself 'shoulding' all over yourself? ( Ugh, I should have done this earlier. ) It’s a common form of self-criticism, one that’s not exactly self-compassionate, says Dr. Lakshmin. Try subbing for your shoulds anything that fosters curiosity ( Could I have chosen to do X instead? Or: I wonder what held me back most this week? ). Curiosity is kinder and more productive than shoulding, she says.

How practicing self-esteem can boost your confidence

'Loving yourself is the first step in boosting your confidence,' says Patel. 'If you don't love yourself, feelings of insecurity and inadequacy will creep up and your self-confidence will lower,' she explains.

Additionally, practicing self-esteem can build up your sense of self-worth, says Gasperoni. Acknowledge your strengths, take pride in your accomplishments, and give yourself room to fail, she explains. 'Self-esteem is the cornerstone of confidence.'

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How to Be Happy Being Yourself

Last Updated: February 26, 2024 Fact Checked

This article was co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA . Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University. There are 17 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 822,753 times.

Loving Who You Are

Step 1 Identify what makes you unique and wonderful.

Find at least 10 things you like about yourself. Think about your talents, accomplishments, or characteristics.
Appreciate what makes you unique. Perhaps you speak four languages, can walk on your hands, or can instantly make new friends. Not everyone can do that, but you can!
Redirect negative thoughts into positive ones. For example, instead of thinking “I’m not pretty enough,” say “I look great today!”

Step 2 Practice gratitude in your daily life.

Keep a gratitude journal and write everything that you’re thankful for. You might include your family, friends, home, hobbies, opportunities, or health. Add 1 thing to this journal every day. If you’re feeling upset or down, try reading through the journal to cheer you up.
Always say thank you, whether you're thanking your local barista for an amazing cup of coffee or your father for always being there for you.

Be just plain silly. Tell a corny joke, make a bad pun, or just dance around like a fool. Why not?
Laugh at your mistakes. This can defuse the situation and help you realize that things aren’t so bad.
Watch a comedy or a comedian. This will make you laugh and can cheer you up.
Be around people who love to laugh. Laughter is contagious!

Make a list of things you want to work on. Make manageable goals to improve. If you hate that you’re always forgetting things, try getting a planner or download a calendar app. Set alarms for when you need to do something.
Learn to live with some of your flaws. Perhaps you won’t ever get over your clumsiness, but that’s okay! Try to laugh when you stumble or brush it off as though it doesn’t matter.
Forgive yourself. Let's face it: we've all done something we're less than proud of. Whatever you did, you should recognize that it was wrong and understand why you did it, but after that, it's time to let it go.

wikiHow Quiz: What Kind of Reality Check Do I Need?

Pick a sea creature:, creating a healthy body image.

Step 1 Identify what you love about your body.

You may not love everything about your face, but you should be able to pick 1 or 2 things, like your eyes or your lips, that stand out. When you look at yourself, remind yourself how great this part of you looks.
Remind yourself what your body is capable of. Try to love your body for its ability to sing, dance, imagine, or jump.

Mindful exercises, like yoga or tai chi, can give you a sense of calm and help you meditate about your body.
Team sports, like soccer or softball, are tons of fun. They add an important social element to your exercise that can help you feel more fulfilled.

Foods high in fiber and omega 3-fatty acids can improve your mood and help you feel happier. These include foods like whole wheat bread, brown rice, fish, green vegetables, and walnuts. [10] X Research source
Cook your own food from scratch instead of buying premade foods. Cooking can help you make healthier decisions, and you'll get more satisfaction from your meal.
It's okay to indulge in the occasional burger or ice cream, but having too many processed or fatty foods will make you feel tired or sluggish.

Step 4 Create a wardrobe that makes you look and feel good.

Choose clothing that is comfortable for your body. Don’t try to wear clothing that is too big or too small.
Have a few key items that you adore. Having a favorite pair of jeans, a beautiful knitted sweater, or a trendy scarf can really help you feel good about how you look.
Jewelry, belts, scarves, and shoes can really pull an outfit together. If you’re missing that extra touch, try adding an accessory to it.

Fostering a Joyful Lifestyle

If you’re struggling at work, reframe how you approach your job. Personalize your workspace with pictures or plants. Avoid taking on extra projects if you’re overworked.
Take the time to get to know and appreciate the people you work with. You may feel like you have nothing in common, but if you make the extra effort to be friendly, it will make you much more eager to wake up to go to work.
Appreciate what your job can do for you. On hard days, remember that your job allows you to put food on the table.

Step 2 Pursue hobbies and activities that interest you.

Develop your artistic side. Try your hand at writing a poem, a song, or painting. You don't have to be great at it, but you can have fun in the process.
Learn a new language . This will make you feel more cultured and it can help you find a great job.
Join a team sport. Not only will you get a great workout, but you can make amazing friends .
Take an evening class. Learn something that you’re interested in, such as coding, woodworking, or ancient mythology.

Step 3 Set a routine that works for you.

Don't rush around in the morning. Give yourself enough time to eat a healthy breakfast and drive to work to arrive a few minutes early. Set your clothes out the night before or pack all of your lunches at the beginning of the week.
Even if your day is super-packed, make some time for yourself. Read a book during your lunch break, watch your favorite show before you go to bed, or wake up early enough to meditate .
Get plenty of rest. Go to bed and wake up at around the same time every day so your body develops a routine. This can help you feel more rested in the morning.

Explore your surroundings and natural environments. Take a hike, go rafting, or try rock climbing.
Take a weekend trip, perhaps to a nearby city, mountain, or beach. Set aside 1 week a year for a much bigger trip to see your family or to visit a somewhere new, like New York City or the Grand Canyon.
Attend concerts , museum openings, or new movies in your area. This can help develop your mind and expose you to new experiences in your own town.

Step 5 Create a clean and comfortable living space.

Clean up any clutter . Put away things where they belong, and avoid adding too much furniture to an area. Keeping an open, light room can go a long way in creating a happy space.
Filling your home with photos of your loved ones, souvenirs from your favorite vacations, or paintings of your favorite spots can help remind you of what makes you happy.
Boost your mood at home by painting your walls light or bright colors, like soft blue, lavender, or yellow.

Step 6 Make changes if you’re not happy with your routine or lifestyle.

If you hate your job so much that it is causing stress or anxiety, it may be time to find a new job.
Maybe you loved training for marathons for the past decade, but suddenly you dread all of your training runs. Spice things up by finding a new way to work out or spend your time.
If you feel stuck, bored, or isolated in your town, consider moving or take a vacation to somewhere new.

Establishing a Strong Social Network

Step 1 Find supportive, positive friends.

Treasure old friendships. Maintain these relationships with frequent visits, emails, phone calls, or skype sessions.
If you've met someone who you really click with, don't be afraid to ask them on a coffee date to see if you can get to know each other better.
Dump your toxic friends . If you have a friend who makes you feel terrible about yourself or is so negative that they manage to ruin your mood every time you hang out, it may be time to let them go.

If you have a good relationship with your parents, take time to talk to them often, and tell them you love them. Don’t forget to thank them!
Treat your siblings well. Even if you sometimes you feel like you and your sibling live on different planets, you still share a common bond of knowing what it's like to grow up in the same place with the same parents.
Even if you don’t have a strong relationship with your biological family, you can appreciate those who are like family in your life. Consider who you might consider to be your family, and let them know how you feel.

Introduce yourself to your neighbors. Your neighbors will not only make you feel involved in where you live, but they could end up being your best friends.
Attend town hall meetings, book clubs on your streets, concerts by local musicians, volunteer park clean-up days, or any other events that make you feel involved in local culture or politics.
Volunteering can give you a deep sense of fulfillment and help you meet others in your community. Look for organizations and causes you believe in. You might raise money for the homeless or build houses for low-income families. [21] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source

Step 4 Foster healthy romantic relationships.

If you have a great significant other, communicate openly with each other on a daily basis. Make sure that both partners are fulfilled and satisfied with the relationship.
If you're single and dating lots of people, have fun with it. Going on date after date may get frustrating, but if you stay positive, you're more likely to find the right person.
If you're single and not looking, that's okay too! If you're not at a point in your life where you want to date anyone, be happy with who you are and the decisions you're making.

If someone has really hurt you, try looking at it from their perspective. Your friend may have hurt you with the best intentions, or might not have been thinking clearly.
Learn to accept an apology. If your friend, mother, or significant other is truly sincere and sorry about something, learn to accept an apology. Try to move on as best you can.
If you hurt the other person, say you're sorry too.

Expert Q&A

Do something that you love at least once a day, whether it be listening to a song that you love, or dancing in your underwear in your bedroom. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0
Try helping others . There is nothing like helping someone else to help improve your self-confidence and to make you realize how lucky you are. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 1
Don't compare yourself to other people . This will only make you frustrated . Instead of focusing on what others have, focus on what makes you who you are. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0

Tips from our Readers

When you forgive someone, you release yourself from the pain the person has caused you. Choosing to not forgive somebody just keeps the pain inside you, with little effect on the person who did you harm. Forgiveness is healing.
Every time you say or think something bad about yourself, respond to yourself with one positive thing. Counteracting negative self-talk with positivity can help you retrain your brain to be more positive in general.
It's okay to feel like you're different from other people. There are many rocks in the world, but not many of those rocks are diamonds. If you are different than others, you're the diamond in a sea of rocks.

If you've tried everything and you still feel deeply unhappy with who you are, you may be suffering from depression and should seek professional help. Thanks Helpful 11 Not Helpful 6

↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/about-self-esteem/#.WuiCA5ch2Uk
↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier
↑ https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/feel-better-and-happy/
↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/ways-to-accept-yourself
↑ https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/bewell_tenstepsbodyimage.pdf
↑ https://this.deakin.edu.au/lifestyle/how-to-eat-your-way-to-happiness
↑ https://www.nytimes.com/guides/smarterliving/how-to-find-a-hobby
↑ https://www.northshore.org/healthy-you/how-to-start-a-new-routine-and-stick-to-it/
↑ https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/well/health/try-something-new
↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/manage-social-support
↑ https://www.bmj.com/content/337/bmj.a2781
↑ https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/
↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/healthy-living/volunteering-and-its-surprising-benefits.htm
↑ https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-relationships.aspx
↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/forgive_andfeel_happier

About This Article

To be happy being yourself, focus on the parts of yourself that you like, whether they have to do with your appearance or who you are as a person. Also, remember that everybody has flaws, and try to accept the things you can't change about yourself. Once you accept yourself for who you are, you can focus your attention on having fun, laughing, and building relationships. By spending time doing things you enjoy, you'll have an easier time loving yourself! To learn how to develop a healthy body image, scroll down! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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The Incredible Power of Contentment

“If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.” – Cicero

By Leo Babauta

While many readers have noted my efforts and articles on self-improvement, what I haven’t stressed as much is the beauty of becoming content with what you have and who you already are.

I’m definitely a goal-oriented person — I always have my eye on a goal, whether that’s writing a book, running a marathon, improving my blog, waking early, losing weight, or one of a dozen other goals I’ve had (and usually achieved) in the last couple of years. And once I’ve achieved a goal, I begin looking for another: now that I finished my second marathon, I’m already looking for a third.

So isn’t that a contradiction? Doesn’t that seem to indicate that I’m not content with my life? Not at all. I’m extremely content with my life, with what I have, and with who I am. I have accepted that I am the type of person who will always be striving for a goal, the type of person who enjoys a challenge, and who enjoys the journey. It’s not the goal that matters to me — it’s the journey to get there that is so fun. And I’m content with being that type of person.

So contentment isn’t a matter with being content with your situation in life and never trying to improve it. It’s a matter of being content with what you have — but realizing that as humans, we will always try to improve, no matter how happy we are. If we don’t, we have given up on life.

Today I’d like to discuss contentment, and the amazing things it can do in all aspects of our lives. And then we’ll look at a few tips for getting to contentment.

“Happiness is self-contentedness.” – Aristotle

My Life I’m going to use my life as an example here, only because I’m more intimately familiar with it than any other life. Looking back, I wasn’t always content. There have been times in my life when I wasn’t happy, when things seemed dismal, when I wish I had more. I wasn’t content with the way things were, and now I know that my outlook on life was a major contributor to my unhappiness.

We choose whether we are happy or unhappy . Read that sentence again if it’s not already something you consciously practice in your daily life. If you’re unhappy with your life right now, I will venture to guess that it’s because you’ve chosen to be unhappy. That sounds harsh, but in my experience it’s completely true. Edit based on reader comments : I cannot speak to whether this concept of happiness applies to everyone — especially clinically depressed or those with similar disorders, people who are starving or homeless, people who have undergone massive tragedies or abuse, or others in such circumstances. However, for most readers, I believe the principles will apply.

You might say, “But my life is crap! Of course I’m going to be unhappy!” And I hear you: I’ve had those times when my job wasn’t going well, when my relationships weren’t going well, when my finances were very bad, when I was overweight, when my life was a mess.

But listen to this: I’ve had those conditions at several points in my life. And sometimes, I was unhappy in those kinds of conditions. And others, I was happy and content. So I’ve come to the conclusion — and it’s proven true time and again — that it’s not the conditions that make me unhappy, but my choice of thoughts, of attitude, of behavior.

What behaviors and thoughts and attitudes were different between my times of unhappiness and happiness? When I was unhappy, I focused on all the bad things in my life. Not only that, but I continually thought about how bad they were, and would complain, and would ask, “Why me?” I would let myself sink into inaction and eventually depression. I would be grumpy and cause those around me to be unhappy. That, in turn, only made the situation worse. It certainly didn’t help my job.

Let’s look at the times of happiness, in contrast: I focused instead on the good things in my life. Because while I had problems at my job and with my relationships and with my finances and health and all that … there were still good things. At least I had a job! At least I had someone who loved me! At least I wasn’t sick! At least I wasn’t bankrupt and homeless! I counted, instead, my blessings. I do this when things aren’t looking so good, and it turns me around.

I had a wife and beautiful children. I had the power to change my job. To simplify my life. To get out of debt. I had my health, even if I was overweight. I lived on a beautiful island with gorgeous beaches and wildlife and greenery. I had family around me who loved me. I had the power of my words, and my books that I loved reading. I had life!

And this outlook on life helped me to be happier. It improved my relationship, because I tried to appreciate my wife. It improved everything around me, in short — and we’ll take a closer look at those things next.

I was happy, despite my conditions, because I chose to be happy. I found contentment in what I already had, instead of wishing I had something else, instead of being discontented with what I had. Contentment not only made me happy, but it transformed my life in many ways. Here’s how.

Happiness This is perhaps the most obvious area affected on this list, because many people see “contentedness” and “happiness” as one and the same. In many ways, they are, but it’s really a matter of focus. When you’re happy, it’s really a state of being, influenced by a number of factors, including contentedness.

Contentedness, on the other hand, is a matter of being satisfied with what you have. It focuses on what you have and don’t have instead of just being a state of being. It influences happiness. However, you can choose to be content, just as you can choose to be happy, and if you choose to be content, you will be happy.

There are many ways to become happy — you can become happy by doing certain things (running, getting into Flow, sex), you can become happy because you are loved or in love, you can become happy because you just won a competition or a million dollars. Being content is just one way to be happy, but it’s a great way.

Simplicity Simplicity, of course, means many things to many people, but for me contentedness is at the core of simplicity. It’s about being content with less, with a simpler life, rather than always wanting more, always acquiring more, and never being content.

Simplicity means examining why you want more, and solving that issue at its root. At the root of wanting more is not being content with what you have. Once you’ve learned to be content, you don’t need more. You can stop acquiring, and start enjoying.

Now, I won’t claim to never want stuff. I wanted a Macbook Air and I got it. It’s helping me to write this post and this book right now. (However, in my defense, I waited more than a month before buying it to make sure I needed it.) But while I am not immune to wants, I have learned to catch myself now and then, and to examine why I want something. And then I try to tell myself that I already have everything I could possibly want and need. And that contentedness leads to simplicity.

Finances Really this is the same as simplicity, but I wanted to show it from a financial angle. The reason we get into financial trouble, oftentimes, is that we buy more than we can afford. And the root of that buying is buying things we want instead of only things we need, and the root of that is not being content with what we already have.

Finding contentment with the stuff you have and with a simpler life can lead to buying less, to buying things we need instead of want, and to only spending what we can afford. I know this first-hand, as uncontrolled spending led to debt for me, and contentedness led to me getting out of debt.

Relationships Many times it seems that we’re never satisfied with our significant others. They don’t behave how we want them to. That’s often at the root of relationship problems, as many-headed as those problems may seem.

Instead, learn to be content with the person you love, just as they are. This isn’t always easy, as we are usually trained (by our well-intentioned but never-satisfied parents, and others around us) to do just the opposite — to try to change people. However, you will only find trouble if you try to change your significant other. You might get them to change their behavior (but most often not), but they will be unhappy, and in turn the relationship will suffer.

I will admit to having a problem with this at times, but when this happens, I try to remind myself to love my partner as she is, for who she is. She is a beautiful person, just as she is now, and there is absolutely no need to change her. This has always led to a better relationship for me.

Kids As mentioned above, parents are often not satisfied with their children. They need to be cleaner, better behaved, better in school, more organized and studious, more courteous and kind and compassionate, better groomed and better at sports. Well, that leads to the relationship problems mentioned above, later in the kids’ lives, as they have learned to never be satisfied with others and to try to change them.

It also leads to inferiority complexes in our children, in unhappiness, and in bad relationships with them. Instead, we should learn to love our children unconditionally, to accept them for the people they are, and to let them know this through not only our words but our actions.

Accept children for who they are, and they will be happier, and so will you.

Jobs Should we be content with our jobs? Well, I won’t say that you should stick with a dead-end job and a boss that treats you like dirt. If you’re unhappy with your job, change it. That’s been my approach and it’s worked for me.

However, I have learned that being a content person in other areas of my life, and being content with my life in general, has generally helped me at any job. Discontented people tend to be complainers, or grumpy, or negative. That leads to problems at the job. People who are content tend not to complain and tend to have a more positive attitude, and in my experience that almost always leads to more opportunities, both within the job (promotions, new projects, etc.) and outside the job (job offers, networking, etc.).

Social change I’ve heard some writers say that people like me, who preach happiness and contentedness and a positive outlook on life, are teaching people to accept social injustice and not strive for change. I disagree completely, and as someone who would like a freer society than the one in which we currently live, I have given this much thought.

My favorite social disrupter, Gandhi, had two seemingly contradictory quotes on the subject of contentedness. The first: “ Man’s happiness really lies in contentment. ” And the second: “ Healthy discontent is the prelude to progress. ”

This might seem confusing until you look at how Gandhi brought about change. He was discontent with the system of oppression in his country, so he sought to change it. However, he was content as a person, with who he was and what he had in his personal life. This inner content allowed him to have the inner power to face (and eventually beat) the very powerful authorities in his country at the time. He could face them because nothing they could do to him could take away his happiness. They could take away all his possessions, throw him in prison, take away even food, and he was content.

He taught his fellow countrymen the same lesson, to make the best of what they had in India (making their own simple clothing, making their own food) instead of wanting the commercial goods from foreign countries. Being content with such simplicity would give them the independence from foreign commercial powers, and eventually (as they are part of the same organism) foreign political powers.

So social change can still happen if you are content with yourself, with your life, but not content with the system of oppression around you. This system, in my opinion, is responsible for holding us down, for the deaths of millions of people in Third World countries … but it isn’t until we learn to be content with what we have, and free ourselves of our dependence on commercial goods, that we will be able to change the system for good.

Getting to Contentment So if contentedness is so great, how do you get there? That’s not always easy, but here are some things that have worked for me:

Count your blessings . I mentioned this above, and in a previous post, but for me it’s the best way to get to contentment. When you find yourself unhappy with something, or with what you don’t have, take a moment to count all the good things in your life. And I would bet there are many. It puts the focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t.
Stop, and remind yourself . When you find yourself unhappy with someone, or trying to change them, stop yourself. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you should try to be happy with that person for who he/she is. Take a moment to think about the good things about that person, the reasons you love that person. Then accept their faults as part of their entire package.
Stop, and consider why you want something . When you feel the urge to buy something, think about whether it’s a need or a want. If it’s a want, take a pause. It’s good to wait 30 days — keep a 30-day list … when you want something, put it on the list with the date, and if you still want it in 30 days, you can buy it). Consider why you want something. Are you not content with what you already have? Why not?
Take time to appreciate your life ! I like to reflect on my life, and all the good things in it, on a regular basis. I do this when I run, or when I watch the sunset or sunrise, or when I’m out in nature. Another great method is a morning gratitude session — think of all the things and people you’re thankful for, and thank them silently.
Show people you appreciate them . It’s good to appreciate people, but it’s even better to show them. Give them a hug, smile, spend time with them, thank them out loud, thank them publicly.
Breathe, and smile . Once again, advice from one of my favorite monks, but it works in this context. Sometimes when we take the time to breathe, and smile, it can change our outlook on life.
Learn to enjoy the simple things . Instead of wanting to buy expensive things, and spend money on doing things like eating out or entertainment, learn to enjoy stuff that’s free. Conversations and walks with other people. Spending time outdoors. Watching a DVD or playing board games. Going to the beach. Playing sports. Running. These things don’t cost much, and they are awesome.

“God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Posted: 04.02.2008

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Achieved a Lot but Feel Like It’s Never Enough?

Here's how to claim your unconditional worthiness..

Posted January 24, 2022 | Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

The most important relationship is the one you with yourself.
No matter how much situational success you achieve, it will feel insufficient if your self-worth is not intact.
Life feels better when you strengthen your unconditional worthiness.

Are you a someone who, despite all you've achieved, still doesn't feel quite "good enough?"

Before you can enjoy your life, you must believe you are worthy of it. Worthy of care; worthy of influence; worthy of rest; worthy of wealth; worthy of peace; worthy of connection; worthy of pleasure; worthy of fun.

If this is the year you're ready to claim your deepest, steadiest power, let's talk about your unconditional worthiness.

This term—unconditional worthiness—has become so popularized it’s easy to forget what it means. It means that the Self determines her worth regardless of the condition .

Let me explain to you how we can lose our sense of unconditional worthiness by using the metaphor of water and a cup.

Let’s imagine the water is worthiness and the cup is the container that allows you to hold this sense of worthiness. When you cannot hold your worth, you’ll naturally look to external sources to “fill you up.” So long as other people are signaling to you how great you are, right you are, smart you are, kind you are, impressive you are, interesting you are, you’ll temporarily feel the relief from their stream of water.

But there are two problems. First, if your cup is broken, you’ll always be dependent on other people to fix your condition for you. When other people control your worth, this is invariably an unsafe, triggering way to live.

But there’s a second more insidious problem common with high-performing leaders. When a person cannot hold their sense of worthiness, they—at their unconscious core—already know this.

Remember: Your brain is brilliant, and the overwhelming majority of its spectacular work is done outside of your conscious awareness. This is protective because the awareness that “I am only conditionally worthy” can be so painful, so frightening your brain often tucks it away into its unconscious recesses.

This awareness then lies dormant until you get triggered by whatever triggers you, and—at that moment—you clearly feel the painful surge of this lack of worth.

You've been there. We all have.

Because worthiness is fundamental to human wellbeing, your brain constantly calculates how to get water in your cup. If your brain senses you have a cracked cup, it rightly convinces you to keep hustling for that water.

But here’s the painful loop where so many get stuck that I want to help you break: I work with so many leaders who have received tremendous amounts of “water”—things like success, praise, popularity, financial gain, promotions, accolades, and yet they still feel bad. They feel like they haven't done enough, achieved enough, produced enough. In other words, they feel unworthy.

Ready for another paradox?

It’s the constant abundance that leaves them feeling so lacking.

The constant abundance of what they've achieved supplies them with the water they need while simultaneously reminding them of how little they can hold on their own. In other words, if other people are pouring tons of water into my cup, at a certain point, it’s going to occur to me that something is inherently wrong with my cup. How can it be that everyone keeps giving me so much, and yet it’s never enough? What's wrong with me?

And so, the very thing I need to fill my cup also becomes the very evidence of how broken I am.

Do you see what a painful cycle this is?

When you are ready to set yourself free, here’s what you do: You hold your worth regardless of the condition.

You say, “I hold my water.” And in doing so, you realize that the second you say, “I’d be ok if…

my team cooperates."
the deal goes through."
my kids behave."
my spouse acts right."
my parents agree with me."
they leave me alone."
they do it my way."

You realize you are creating the conditionality blocking you from your worthiness.

It’s you who let go of your power by choosing to create conditions in which you decided you only get to be worthy when other people act in accordance with the very conditions you created!

It's self-inflicted.

Our children provide magnificent insights into our adult behavior. For example, the other day, my four-year-old told my six-year-old not to play with her and immediately became unhinged because her brother wouldn't play with her!

Is the trap you feel suffocated by a trap you set for yourself? Was it you who decided:

If they think my idea is the best, I’ll be ok.

If you pay attention to me, I'll be ok.
If she chooses me, I’ll be ok.
If he likes me, I’ll be ok.
If I don’t make a mistake, I’ll be ok.
If no one's angry at me, I'll be ok?

I have fantastic news.

Because you’re the creator of this painful “if” condition, you also have the power to create your “no matter what” condition.

This is the condition where you decide: I am worthy no matter what.

If they don't like my ideas, I'm still creating, no matter what.
If they ignore me, I'm still showing up no matter what.
If they disagree with me, I'm still participating no matter what.
If they don't listen to me, I'm still speaking honestly, no matter what.
If they don't choose me, I'm still choosing myself no matter what.

And here, when you finally let go of all these self-imposed conditions, you can access the part of you that was there all along: your unconditional worthiness and stunning personal power.

Julia DiGangi, Ph.D. , is a neuropsychologist who teaches individuals and organizations about the connection between their brains and their behavior.

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Hegel’s Lectures on the Philosophy of Religion includes the following: “Love is a distinguishing of the two, who nevertheless are absolutely not distinguished for each other. The consciousness or feeling of the identity of the two - to be outside of myself and in the other ?Ethis is love. I have my self-consciousness not in myself but in the other. I am satisfied and have peace with myself only in this other ?Eand I AM only because I have peace with myself; if I did not have it then I would be a contradiction that falls to pieces. This other, because it likewise exists outside itself, has its self-consciousness only in me; and both the other and I are only this consciousness of being-outside-ourselves and if our identity; we are only this intuition, feeling, and knowledge of our unity. This is love, and without knowing that love is both a distinguishing and the sublation of this distinction, one speaks emptily of it.”

Among the many fascinating things here is the implication that love is the prerequisite for a unified identity. Hegel says that to be a unified self, one must be at peace; but this peace comes only through the “distinguishing and sublation of distinction” that is love for another person; MY peace, my unity as a being, depends on love, the other’s love for me and my love for another. This is suggestive, though Hegel doesn’t exactly explain WHY this peace comes only “in the other.” Perhaps it has something to do with his insight that part of my identity is my difference from the other; to say I am Peter is, at least, to say I am not Paul or George. This means that my identity and unified self-conception includes a moment of difference. But how that this difference not turn into endless “deference”? Through mutual (almost perichoretic) love.

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Home — Application Essay — Business School — A Time I Felt Proud of Myself

A Time I Felt Proud of Myself

University: American University

About this sample

Words: 1243 |

Published: Dec 27, 2022

Words: 1243 | Pages: 3 | 7 min read

In this essay, I will delve into a time when I felt proud of myself and my own achievements. This personal narrative will explore the circumstances, emotions, and significance of that particular experience, shedding light on the valuable lessons it has imparted.

Say no to plagiarism.

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'Why Violent Video Games Shouldn't Be Banned'?

The third golden rule in communication is to write to express, and not to impress. What does it truly take to help define a person? Honestly, I could have mentioned some of my greatest experiences or assets which may turn out to be the world’s best myself essay pdf paper or which may increase my impression on whoever is reading this, but at this point, I want to be true to myself and take it in my heart.

Growing up, I always felt lucky in every aspect of my life. You name it, family, friends, education, height, well except my weight, but overall, the quality of life I was living. I was used to the color-shaded lens of life I was wearing, the ever-happy music playlist I was listening to, and the silent shy girl façade I was imposing to myself. I was average. I was the type of student who never fails not to recite in class unless needed to, the type of student who diligently complies with all school works and requirements, and lastly, the type of student who simply wants to be the better version of herself every day. I simply thought that I was set for life during those times – that being average was okay. I guess many people feel that way too, to be able to have the passion to want more for herself or to be more of herself, but chose not to.

The first rejection I ever faced in my life was in the 8th grade. I applied for a position in a club; one of my closest friends acquired the position, and I did not. Back then, I got used to the fact that I only watched my friends and acquaintances evolving into successful versions of themselves while in the sidelines. Was I proud of myself during that time? No, I wasn’t very proud of myself. I felt not enough because of that experience. At first, I was in denial of my skills and capabilities – of my value as a student. I started to pose a question unto myself, “Am I not worth it?” “Was my answer not that good?” As time passed by, I eventually learned how to embrace rejection. The only thing that kept my self-esteem sailing was to think that maybe I’m just not the person suited for the position – that there’s someone more passionate and determined more than me.

To keep myself sailing, I had to dig up my motivation, explore my strengths, and unravel what I was capable of achieving. I wanted to prove myself to my self that I was more than what my name spoke of me. I started to pick up the pace in this unspoken competition between myself. I decided to invest 100 percent of myself towards my education. As hard as it can get, I swallowed all my insecurities for a better Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Whenever I had to present a report or perform in front of the class, I always tell myself, “Nandito na ako sa harap. Wala namang mawawala sa akin. Bakit hindi ko pa ito sulitin?” During these moments, I had the chance to speak up and to stand up for myself. Slowly, without realizing, the self-esteem and confidence I once almost lost were already in my heart. Now, was I proud of myself at that time? The answer was yes; I was contented.

I found confidence in the platform. I found confidence through the people sitting idly in front of me, the people who were listening to me, and the people who were watching my back. Without a doubt, I still get nervous whenever I speak in front of people. I mean, who doesn’t, right? However, that platform became my comfort place because I only wanted to be acknowledged and heard. During 10th grade, I considered myself very fortunate. This was the year where I truly experienced what life was all about – or maybe just about a part of it. All the gloomy drops of rain which was drowning me turned out not to be about drowning, but filling myself to the brim. Like they say, “You have to be broken to feel complete.” This was the year where I had a goal, and that’s to be one of Top 10 of our class. My urge to be something more amplified because I had the means to make it happen if only I try. I pushed myself to the cliff of my limits even if that meant that I had to attend school without sleep or breakfast. “Kung gusto mo, kakayanin mo. Titiisin mo,” that line continuously never failed me up to this very moment. I was not born either intelligent or good in Mathematics, but I was born to live. I may be born without connections, but I was born to be a bridge to people. Sometimes, I secretly think that the two of the key ingredients in an umami life are hard work and perseverance. Simply put, going on stage to receive an award and be acknowledged by my family at the end of every quarter was both rewarding and desolate.

There are times when I want to ask adults this question, “What do people live for?” When I held the certificate in my hand, it made me realize that this certificate was incomparable to all the efforts, experiences, and the exhaustion I gave, went through and had to overcome just to have a thin paper. What was I living for? Was it for people to ask me what the answer to question number three is? Was it for people to rely and depend on me? Was it only because I was closing the gap between my friends’ successful versions? If there’s something I want to tell the 16-year-old Iya who’s probably tiring herself out right now, maybe in a parallel universe, I want to tell her that you live for yourself. You live to take care of yourself and to make your life meaningful.

Let me ask this question to myself again, “Am I proud of myself this time?” Yes, I am proud of the person I am right now. Most of all, I am proud of all the experiences and the hoops I went through just to be at this point in life. Tracing all the steps way back, to be the best version of yourself is to keep moving. Before, rejection may be a phase that I wasn’t ready to face at all, but now I believe it was a phase that jump-started the engine in my life. Instead of crumbling down, it made me move forward, leftward, rightward, backward, or to simply move! It doesn’t matter which direction you’re moving in, as long as you have a destination to go to. Getting lost is part of the process in life, but there will always be a GPS or people to guide you on the way. Rejection for me may not be a good experience, but it’s one for the books as it helped me to define myself and especially, find the value in me. Defining who I truly am and finding the essence in me made me realize my purpose and appreciation of my own identity.

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To end up i am proud of myself because essay, I am proud to be rejected. I am prepared to face what life has in store for me, and ultimately, I am more than ready to embrace my individuality.

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I Always Knew I Was Different. Still, I Was Shocked To Hear My Doctor Say These 4 Words To Me.

Guest Writer

The author is pictured in elementary school, around the time he was singled out by a teacher for his tics.

One particularly stressful day a few years ago, while driving to an important work event, I was seized with a severe bout of tics. This was not unusual for me. I’d been ticcing nearly all my life, and stress always exacerbated my tics.

On this day, my snorts and jerks were so out of control that I rear-ended a car. That’s when I finally visited a neurologist. I needed to know, literally, what made me tic. What he told me — “You have Tourette syndrome” — came as a shock.

It was also a relief. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had the characteristic vocal and motor tics associated with the condition. Secreting them away in my mental lockbox, burying them well out of sight of others, was how I dealt with them. A diagnosis brought clarity, and it meant that I could deal with my tics in a healthier way — or so I thought.

I grew up in a small western New York town in the 1980s, those heady days of ozone-depleting hair spray, goofy mullets and syrupy synth pop. In my rural community, very few people knew what Tourette was. I certainly didn’t.

When I was a teenager, a television program, possibly “60 Minutes,” aired an episode on the subject that I watched with my mom. It featured a young man who shouted obscenities in some large American city. By that time I’d been ticcing for years — in fact, I’d already been hiding my tics for years. But I didn’t recognize myself in this program, because never, not once, did I swear or shout in public.

When I was in elementary school, a teacher once stopped class to tell me to quit making noises and “doing that thing you’re doing with your head.” She actually demonstrated “that thing” in front of my classmates because I was apparently annoying her and disrupting her lesson. Every head turned my way, and I put mine down, humiliated. I could not tell her that I couldn’t help myself.

The author reads stories to kids at a bookstore in 2016.

In birding, there’s something called a “spark bird” — the bird that, when you first see it in the wild, truly gets you hooked on birding. But this was my spark moment , when I realized my tics were not “normal” and that I needed to hide them if I wanted to be normal.

If my mom made any connection between that kid we saw on TV and me, she didn’t mention it, and my parents didn’t take me to a neurologist to have me checked out. Because of that TV program, I assumed, wrongly, that having Tourette meant shouting obscenities in public. I learned that this version of Tourette is called coprolalia and, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention , it “only affects about 1 in 10 people with Tourette.” It is not as common as popular media likes to portray it.

For me, ticcing has always meant a near-constant urge to do things with my body. “Urge” may not be the right word for these head jerks, blinks, snorts, grunts, throat clearings, tongue clicks, etc., but it’s the best I’ve got. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, my body seems to have a will of its own. In any given hour, I probably tic at least 100 times. During periods of great stress, like when I rear-ended that car, my tics are like a parasitic fungus that assumes total control over my body.

Nobody wants to twitch or make weird noises in public — to be the person people crane their necks to see. What’s wrong with this guy? you imagine them thinking. After getting called out by my teacher, I only wanted to blend in — to become invisible — because when you’re in elementary school, you don’t want to be seen as a freak. You want to be like everyone else.

I couldn’t stop ticcing, but I discovered that I could make it less obvious. To shield myself from shame and embarrassment, I developed an arsenal of tic-hiding strategies. Instead of jerking my head, I would put my hand underneath the table and waggle my fingers or ball my fists repeatedly. Instead of snorting or chuffing — obvious and strange sounds — I’d click my tongue softly, like an irregular metronome.

These tricks satisfied my near-constant urge to tic and kept me mostly hidden from view. I wasn’t bullied or teased in school, as kids and adults with tics often are, but I probably would have been if I hadn’t learned how to control my tics.

I’ve been using these tricks ever since.

When I’m out in public today, I’m keenly aware of my internal pressure to tic, but I’ve become adept at suppressing it, bottling it up and capping it tight. At home, where I’m free to be myself, it’s a very different story. My tics come and go.

Six months ago, I began squirting air from my mouth the way someone might blow hair off their face; a few weeks later, I started hocking as though to spit a loogie. Like uninvited guests overstaying their welcome, both tics remain with me as I write these words. Sometimes a particular tic will go away only to return a year later, like an exasperating big brother who’d gone off to college and come home with a sly grin and a shaggy beard.

The author gives a talk at a college on the importance of persistence in 2018.

There is no cure for Tourette — all you can do is try to manage your tics. There are treatments available, ranging from antihypertensives like guanfacine and clonidine to alternative options like the antipsychotic drugs risperidone and Abilify. But I’d honestly rather have tics than the potential side effects these drugs can cause.

When I was first diagnosed, I tried guanfacine and I’d wake up in the middle of the night so parched that it was like I’d swallowed sand; my sleeplessness felt more like a punishment, especially since the drug didn’t even control my tics, so I quit taking the pill. Since then, I’ve chosen no other treatments, though I recently learned of a promising option I will try called “comprehensive behavioral intervention for tics,” or CBIT. This doesn’t involve any drugs. Instead, it trains you to change your behaviors and tic less.

Researchers estimate that between 350,000 and 450,000 Americans have Tourette syndrome, while roughly 1 million have other persistent tic disorders. There’s said to be insufficient evidence to determine the number of adults with Tourette because many people simply outgrow their tics by late adolescence. According to the Tourette Association of America , the condition “occurs in 1 in 160 (0.6%) school-aged children, although it is estimated that 50% are going undiagnosed ” (italics mine).

A 2022 survey by the group suggested that 1 in 10 children with a tic disorder “attempted suicide at least once during the past 12 months.” That’s a scary number, and it speaks to how difficult it is for many people with tics to feel comfortable in their own bodies. I’m glad that kids (and their parents) who are diagnosed with Tourette today now have resources available to them — including a supportive community — to feel less stigmatized or ostracized by this awkward thing in their lives.

I did not outgrow my tics. Because it’s hard to admit publicly something I’ve always internalized and associated with shame, few people know this part of me. Even if you’re not bullied or harassed, hurt and humiliation run deep; they form scars that are easily scraped off.

How many other adults fly under the radar, as I do? Who, like me, never outgrew their tics but developed strategies for concealing them? Who didn’t benefit from services that the Tourette Association of America offers, or the wealth of research being done today? Who struggled to form truly lasting friendships for fear of being exposed as someone with tics?

Apart from the nuisance of having tics, I live what society would likely deem a “good” and “regular” life. I have a wife, a child, a great job, a house, and a creative life as a writer and translator. I have Tourette, but Tourette doesn’t have me — though my wife would certainly disagree with this. When we got together 25 years ago, I suppressed my tics in front of her, but you can’t hide something like this from someone you live with. I no longer try. Even on those nights when my ticcing body keeps her up, she’s supportive.

Since I’ve spent a lifetime hiding my tics, I’ve become successful at blending in, even when I’m meeting people for work or on stage in front of an audience, giving a reading or interviewing authors. But I’ve also experienced moments of deep loneliness. Retreating into yourself is a good way to not be publicly embarrassed, but you pay a price. Eventually, you end up feeling like a ghost in your own life — known to no one but yourself and a few carefully curated individuals whom you trust. I don’t make friends easily.

Later this year, I will publish my debut novel, “The Book of Losman,” after translating more than a dozen novels from Danish and writing countless unsold manuscripts over the past 30 years. It’s about a literary translator, like me, with Tourette, but that’s where the similarities end. It’s a speculative fiction about a man named Losman who lives in Copenhagen, Denmark, and gets involved in an experimental drug study to relive childhood memories in the hope of finding a cure for his Tourette. Why not? The beauty of fiction is that you can imagine anything you want, provided the world you create is believable.

In real life, I can’t go back in time to reassure the little kid who got called out in elementary school, but I’m old enough to understand something he couldn’t: “Normal” is a highly subjective word, one laced with many assumptions. At nearly 50 years old, my tics (and the need to control them) are ingrained in the very fabric of my being. Even after publishing this essay, I will continue to hide my tics in public. Why? The stigma is a great burden.

The line between dignity and humiliation is, in the end, a thin one — at least for me. I truly admire those in the younger generation, who can go on TikTok or YouTube and put themselves out there for the world to see. That’s not for me. But by sharing my story here, what I can do is help normalize Tourette and other tic disorders. People like me, we’re all around you. All that we ask for is what every human being deserves: to live a judgment-free life.

K.E. Semmel is a writer and translator of more than a dozen novels from Danish and Norwegian. His fiction and nonfiction have appeared in Ontario Review , Literary Hub , The Writer’s Chronicle , The Southern Review , The Washington Post and els ewhere. “ Th e World and Varvara” by Simon Fruelund is his most recent translation. His debut novel, “ The Book of Losman ,” will be published in October 2024 (Santa Fe Writers Project). Find him online at KESemmel.com and on his Twitter/X page, @KESemmel .

Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch at [email protected].

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From our partner, more in huffpost personal.

This Little Girl's Essay On 'My Favourite Person' Is A Powerful Reminder Of Self-Love

W hile it has become common to see adults go through periods of low confidence, instances of kids suffering from a lack of confidence or low self-esteem also seem to be on the rise. While such cases are enough to make parents concerned, a little kid’s enthusiastic essay on her favourite person is just the perfect thing to go through. A woman recently shared her daughter’s essay on “My Favourite Person” which shows the little girl celebrating no one but herself.

The user on X began by mentioning that she hoped to read about herself in her daughter’s essay but was satisfied after she picked something better. “The prompt was to write about your favourite person. And my daughter picked herself. (I was secretly hoping she would pick me and was prepared to be jealous of anyone else she picked but this is better than I imagined),” she wrote.

Further, she shared a picture of her daughter’s essay, which was a page filled with self-appreciation and quite a lot of confidence. “I like myself because I was a very good anchor in sports day. I like myself because I am independent. I like to shout a lot. I like to draw. I am very very impatient. I cannot wait in the bus. I want to reach school in a second,” a part of the essay read.

The personal touch of “ooh and aaah” from the little kid’s expression as she finds the history of dinosaurs just makes the essay more interesting.

Take a look:

Social media users also left no stone unturned to praise the girl and her confidence level. A user wrote, “To quote her, it is most interesting. What a confident child!”, while another commented, “I like to shout a lot … I am very impatient”!! Me too.”

“I LOVE her!!! This is so aliiiiiiiiiveeeeeee and heartful,” a comment read. Another one mentioned, “I ooh and aah at dinosaurs history is the best way to describe the excitement one gets from learning new things. So Precious.”

A user also shared her own views and penned, “Love this!! Please preserve this and frame it, and give it to her on her 18th birthday or something 🙂 I hate to think of all of us women who started out as confident little girls with healthy self-esteems – until society stamps that out and replaces it with imposter syndrome.”

So far, the post has gained over 80,000 views and more than 2,000 likes.

The essay by the little girl has won the internet's heart. (Photo Credits: Instagram)

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