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The Stress of Social Comparison and How to Limit Comparing Yourself to Others

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Oscar Wong / Getty Images

We Start Comparing Ourselves to Each Other From a Young Age

There are two types of social comparison, your self-esteem level influences how well you deal with social comparison, comparisons create so much stress, social media plays a major role in social comparison, is comparing yourself to other people always a bad thing not always., how to free yourself from social comparison.

Comparing ourselves to each other is a natural human behavior that has evolved to help us live together as a cohesive group, to help us learn from one another, and to keep us from falling too far behind our potential.

It also helps us to define ourselves, to gauge how we’re doing in various areas of life based on what appears to be possible, and can even seem to help us feel better about ourselves in many cases. It can also be stressful, however, and it can make us more competitive than we need to be.

Social comparison is a common human dynamic that first rears its head when children are very small. Think of the toddlers who get upset or throw a tantrum whenever they see another kid with a new toy that they don't have.

Social comparison gains momentum in elementary school when kids follow fads. To be considered "cool" you have to be watching the latest tv show or wearing the best clothes.

Then, in high school, the world of brand names, popular music, cliques, and FOMO is when social comparison really takes hold, and it never quite goes away as people focus on getting into the best colleges, landing the best jobs, marrying someone their friends might envy, and building a picture-perfect life with them.

Adults face many of the same social comparison pressures as teens to one degree or another: comparing looks, social status, material items, and even relationships.

Researchers have identified two types of social comparison :

• Upward social comparison: Here we look at people we feel are better off than we are in an attempt to become inspired and more hopeful. For instance, you might feel inspired by your boss. Maybe they've really excelled in their career and you admire their leadership style and their accomplishments. You compare yourself to try and make changes so that you can get on their level one day. You might even be envious or jealous of their success.
• Downward social comparison: Here we look at people who we feel are worse off than we are, in an effort to feel better about ourselves and our situation. This sounds pretty mean, but everyone has done it at some point or another. Let's say you're tight on money for the weekend and you're upset that won't be able to go see a live band with your friends. Then, if you happen to see someone who is homeless, you might begin to feel slightly better about your own financial situation because it allows you to put your life in a new perspective.

Some of the factors that affect whether social comparisons are helpful or harmful are our self-esteem , the stressors we already have in our lives, and whether we’re making upward or downward social comparisons.

People who have higher self-esteem and fewer stressors in their lives tend to fare better with social comparisons. They also might be less inclined to compare themselves to other people altogether.

Those with lower self-esteem, or who experience greater threats or stress in their lives, tend to use downward comparisons more often. This can lift their mood, but not as much as it does in those who are already doing better in these areas.

Upward social comparisons—comparing ourselves to those who are better off as a way to get inspired can make us feel just that—inspired. People embarking on a particular career path might follow their favorite journalists on Instagram to stay motivated to achieve their own goals.

People with lower self-esteem or who have recently experienced a career setback can feel worse when they make upward social comparisons, experiencing both a drop in mood and often an increase in stress.

Social comparison comes in many forms. Basically, whenever people gather, we have a tendency to compare ourselves and usually form some sort of hierarchy, formal or unspoken. Clubs have officers who are elected and awards that are given to those who excel, and most people are aware of the more influential members.

Moms’ groups compare their babies’ milestones and their relationships both in an effort to be sure their kids are progressing and to measure their own success as moms. From the high achievers to those looking for friends and fun, we tend to compare.

Both Social Comparison Types Can Lead to Stress

These comparisons can stress us, however, as we may find ourselves lacking when we make upward social comparisons. We may come off as conceited or competitive when we make downward social comparisons, which can create stress in our relationships.

Many people find that social media exacerbates social comparison in all the worst ways, making many of us feel worse about ourselves.

Social media takes social comparison to a whole new level. We see who is doing what we’re not, and we may become stressed wondering if we’re doing enough, earning enough, and enjoying life enough. We compare our regular lives with other people’s curated best memories.

We don't know whether they’re just posting their highlights and the best photos out of dozens, or if they’re really sharing casual and spontaneous events as they happen.

Either way, many people find that social media exacerbates social comparison in all the worst ways, making many of us feel worse about ourselves and lowering our self-esteem.

While these feelings can sometimes be automatic, we don’t need to let our instincts toward social comparison be an important part of who we are. We can minimize these tendencies and counteract them with a little effort so we feel less stressed by them. The first step, however, is being aware of social comparison in ourselves and in others.

While a little surprising, there can be a positive aspect to competitiveness and social comparison.

For instance, when our friends are doing well, they inspire us to be our best as well, which is the upside of upward social comparison. (This is particularly true if they share the secrets of their success).

We often do better if we’re striving to keep up with a role model or successful friend, and we can make ourselves better by supporting others.

And when we compare ourselves to others who have it worse than us, we tend to appreciate what we have and show more gratitude and empathy. We often do better if we’re striving to keep up with a role model or successful friend, and we can make ourselves better by supporting others.

Avoiding Embarrassment or Failure Can Motivate People

Even the desire to avoid the embarrassment of failure can be a good motivator. The main difference between friendly competition and the competition of “frenemies” is the supportiveness factor. Frenemies seem to delight in one-upmanship and the failure of others. True friends, on the other hand, motivate you to succeed, delight in your successes, and help keep you going in tough times.

If you find yourself in the trap of social comparison, feeling somewhat hooked on feelings of superiority from downward social comparison, or beating yourself up when you make upward social comparisons, it's important to get out of this mental trap.

Here are some simple ways you can train your brain to care less about what others are doing or thinking.

Find Role Models

If you’re working to keep up with role models, you can gain the benefits of their success (personal motivation, seeing what works for them, etc.) without adding the element of competitiveness to your own relationships. So, it might be better to follow an influencer or celebrity rather than look to your closest friend as a role model as that could inadvertently put a strain on your relationship.

Create a Support Circle

To help avoid harmful comparisons, try building a circle of supportive people and focus on them. This can be a group of friends who share a common goal. You can start an exercise group or another group built around a goal that’s either formal or informal.

If you're into creative writing or film, you can find a group of people who are also interested in the creative arts and get together from time to time and critique each other's work.

Find an Accountability Partner

You can also find an accountability partner to keep each other motivated. Rather than a group, you and your accountability partner can check in with each other on your goals, celebrate together, and help motivate one another to stick with the plan.

This is particularly helpful because it provides both of you with individualized moral support, a bit of added responsibility to stick with the plan (or you’ll be letting your partner and yourself down), and it makes celebrating small victories a little more fun.

Count Your Blessings

When you find yourself making comparisons, try to “even the score” in your head. If you’re feeling envious of someone else’s victory, remind yourself of your own triumphs and strengths. If you’re feeling judgmental, remind yourself of the strengths of the other person and the special things they bring to the table.

Keep a Gratitude Journal

It also helps to maintain an ongoing gratitude journal so you stay in the frame of mind of counting your blessings rather than what you lack. This also helps you to stay focused on your own life and not the lives of others.

Cultivate Altruism

There are many benefits of altruism , so cultivating it as a habitual thought pattern can be even better for you than for those who benefit from your kindness. See what small things you can do for your friends and strangers. Practice loving-kindness meditation . Be your best self and you won’t feel as prone to compare.

Wang JL, Wang HZ, Gaskin J, Hawk S. The Mediating Roles of Upward Social Comparison and Self-esteem and the Moderating Role of Social Comparison Orientation in the Association between Social Networking Site Usage and Subjective Well-Being .  Front Psychol . 2017;8:771. Published 2017 May 11. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00771

Aspinwall LG, Taylor SE. Effects of social comparison direction, threat, and self-esteem on affect, self-evaluation, and expected success .  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 1993;64( 5):708–722.

Taylor-Jackson J, Moustafa AA. The relationships between social media use and factors relating to depression .  The Nature of Depression . 2021;171-182. doi:10.1016/B978-0-12-817676-4.00010-9

Chen P, Garcia SM. Yin and Yang Theory of Competition: Social Comparison and Evaluation Apprehension Reciprocally Drive Competitive Motivation .

Collins RL. For better or worse: The impact of upward social comparison on self-evaluations . Psychological Bulletin . 1996;119(1): 51–69.

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

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Real. intelligent. talk, why you compare yourself to other people (and how to stop).

Posted Under: Articles

A few weeks ago, Jennie and I were sitting at brunch with a group of friends. (Yes, I go to brunch sometimes. I’m not gonna apologize for it; brunch is delightful.) About halfway through our meal, someone brought up the topic of self-comparison.

All of us at the table agreed that we’ve been guilty of this particular behavior, and wondered why — despite our ages and accomplishments — we continued comparing ourselves to other people, even though we knew it was a pointless and often destructive tendency.

That’s when John, who had been quiet throughout this conversation, chimed in.

“Actually, I feel like I compare myself to other people relatively rarely,” he said, with a satisfied smile.

We all looked around at each other, then back at him.

“You mean…compared to other people?” someone else asked.

John stared at us for a moment, then broke into a laugh.

In that moment, we knew that this was one of those secrets we all shared, a habit we just can’t seem to beat, even when it seems like we’ve beat it.

We All Compare Ourselves to Other People

We do this even when the comparisons aren’t meaningful. Even when they make us unhappy. Even when they don’t actually make us better, smarter, or more productive human beings.

And we seem to be doing it more and more — as if this plague of constant self-comparison really only became a phenomenon in the last five years. Which, in a big way, it has, but we’ll get to that in just a minute.

So why do we compare ourselves to other people?

Is there any benefit to seeing how we stack up against others?

And if there isn’t, how can we stop ?

Look at Me (Looking at You) (Looking at Me)

We’re designed to understand ourselves. This capacity for self-reflection is one of the defining characteristics of our species. It’s what makes us look up at the stars and ponder our purpose, keeps us from behaving like freshmen on spring break at the office Christmas party, and pushes us to cooperate and compete with the other highly evolved apes we interact with every day.

In other words, we have a fundamental need to evaluate ourselves, and the only way to do that is in reference to something else .

And since we live in a world populated by other life forms that look and behave a lot like us, that something else becomes someone else — other people.

Which is why you’ll compare yourself to a model on the cover of Vogue or the ripped guy in your bootcamp class, rather than your internal standard of beauty or a textbook on human physiology.

When nonsocial concepts aren’t available or compelling enough for comparison — and, spoiler alert, they’re usually not — we’ll start to see how we stack up against other people.

This peculiar drive was first explored seriously by a social psychologist named Leon Festinger in 1954.

Festinger basically said that people evaluate their opinions and abilities by comparing themselves to other people for two reasons:

First, to reduce uncertainty in the areas in which they’re comparing themselves.

And second, to learn how to define themselves.

He called this concept social comparison theory , and it’s one of the biggest contributions to the field of social psychology.

What Festinger really nailed was that human beings can’t actually define themselves intrinsically or independently. They can only define themselves in relation to someone else. When it comes to the big questions of Identity and Self and Who the Hell Am I? , we need to look at other people.

But he actually went a bit further than that, and that’s where things really get interesting.

For one thing, Festinger pointed out that the tendency to compare ourselves to another person decreases as the difference between our opinion or ability and the other person’s increases .

In other words, the more similar we are to another person in some way we think is important, the more we tend to compare ourselves to that person.

That means we’re more likely to compare ourselves to a colleague at our level than we are to the CEO, just like we’re more likely to compare ourselves to a runner in our weekly running group than we are to Usain Bolt. The difference between you and Usain Bolt is astronomical, but the difference between you and another amateur runner is probably quite small — which makes them a more attainable, and therefore compelling, comparison.

Festinger also pointed out that when we stop comparing ourselves to other people, we often experience hostility and derogation toward those people — as long as continuing to compare ourselves to them brings unpleasant consequences.

In other words, if we stop comparing ourselves to that super fit runner in our running group because it’s making us feel bad, then we’ll tend to deal with those feelings by mentally tearing them down. If we can’t deal with the negative feelings of the comparison, then we’ll swap them for more “helpful” ones — anger, hostility, or a tendency to simply write the other person off.

(If you’ve ever felt a twinge of envy about someone close to you, and then found yourself subtly turning against them in your mind, then this process will sound familiar. It’s a strange script that all of us have running in the background to keep us feeling secure in our positions and self-concepts. Oh, humans.)

Finally — and this is probably the most important thing for us — Festinger pointed out that the more important we think some particular group of people is, the more pressure we’ll feel to conform to that group in our abilities and opinions.

In other words, we’ll feel more pressure to kick ass in our SoulCycle class than we will to perform like a random group of cyclists on the street. The difference is that we think our SoulCycle class is a more important comparison group, whereas the ability of some random cyclists on the street probably matters very little.

(Which, if you think about it, helps explain why we pay so much for those SoulCycle classes. We pay because we think the group is important, but we also think the group is important because we pay — and because everyone else is paying, too. Crazy hall of mirrors, right?)

Now, all of this might sound pretty obvious. We know we have a need to compare ourselves. We know we tend to compare ourselves to people who are similar to us. We know that we compare our abilities and our opinions to groups we deem important. And we know that that comparison often dredges up some unpleasant feelings.

So what? Isn’t that just the way we’re designed? And don’t we need to compare ourselves to other people in order to know how we’re doing? Otherwise, why would we become better ? Is comparing ourselves to other people really so bad?

Great questions.

To answer them, we need to understand why we’re comparing ourselves in the first place.

Self-evaluation vs. Self-enhancement

For years, I listened obsessively to as many podcasts as I could fit into my day. I’d take walks to Terry Gross, make lunch to an up-and-coming amateur interviewer, and fall asleep to Larry King. In a given week, I’d listen to dozens and dozens of podcasts all across the spectrum, from poor to amazing, niche to mainstream.

All the while, I’d be taking mental notes, picking up tricks and tips, trying to see where I fit in the podcast hierarchy, figuring out how I stacked up against my idols and my peers. I did all this in the name of research, as a way of gathering new skills and measuring my progress along the way.

Sometimes listening to these shows would leave me swollen with excitement and pride. Hah! I’m totally better than these guys! I can do this! I’m putting out a kick-ass show!

Other times, listening to them would leave me confused and dejected. Man, I’ve got a lot to learn. I’ll never be as good as these guys. What do they know that I don’t?

It took me years to realize that by comparing myself to other people, I was actually doing two things: trying to figure out how good I actually was, and trying to make myself feel better.

Recognizing the difference between these two motivations for comparison is the key to separating out healthy comparison from unhealthy comparison.

Let’s return to the example of the colleague at work.

Say you compare yourself to Andrea in marketing — she’s the same age, has the same position, and has a similar talent and ability. Out of all the people in the department, Andrea’s the most compelling to compare yourself to, because her skill level is comparable and attainable, and because she’s part of a group (your company) whose opinion matters to you.

So when you’re sitting in a meeting with Andrea, you’ll probably find yourself wondering how you stack up. Do I present as well as she does? Do people care what I say as much as they care about what she says? Are my Excel models as solid? Do people find me as trustworthy and insightful? These questions arise automatically and often unconsciously — as if just by being near Andrea, you can’t help but wonder how you compare.

Behind these questions, though, you’ll notice a few different motivations.

One motivation is to understand the objective quality of your work .

When you compare your presentations to Andrea’s, you’re trying to understand whether your presentations are as interesting, and how they could improve. When you study the way the rest of the team responds to her recommendations, you’re trying to gauge whether your colleagues feel similarly about you, and how you might become more authoritative, convincing, or influential.

In that scenario, Andrea becomes a sort of benchmark — a source of feedback you can use to become better . She’s a model for the level of ability you’re striving toward. She’s a way for you to assess yourself against a relevant source of comparison. That’s not only normal, but essential.

A very different motivation behind the comparison to Andrea is to see yourself more favorably .

From this perspective, when you compare yourself to Andrea, you’re looking to her to help build up your sense of self. When you compare your presentations, you’re looking to feel better about your own persona and style. When you study the way your colleagues respond, you’re looking to confirm that you’re the more talented and respected colleague, that people take you as seriously, that you have more authority or influence or charisma in the office.

In other words, you’re not studying Andrea to improve your self-evaluation. You’re studying her to boost your self-esteem . And that is the kind of comparison that gets us into trouble.

As it happens, this kind of comparison often gives us a very distorted view of ourselves. In fact, research has shown that we tend to prioritize feedback that makes us look good and desirable, and ignore feedback that makes us look weak, undesirable or generally “less than.” So even if we “succeed” in making ourselves feel “better,” our brains are often playing a clever trick with the data we’re using to arrive at that conclusion.

As long as self-enhancement is your goal, then comparing yourself to other people will always make you miserable.

Either your comparison will artificially boost your ego, temporarily making you feel superior to the people you’re comparing yourself to, or your comparison will unearth the vulnerabilities you might not want to face, leaving you exposed to familiar feelings of anger, envy, and shame.

Which brings us back to our original question: Is it really so bad to compare ourselves to other people?

The answer is: it depends.

If we’re comparing ourselves for self- assessment , then wondering how we stack up is natural, healthy, and often very helpful. I’d even argue that it’s necessary.

But if we’re comparing ourselves for self- enhancement , then this process can quickly become obsessive, toxic, and often very confusing.

The problem is that when we compare ourselves, we’re often doing both simultaneously, without even realizing it.

And oftentimes, we think we’re trying to assess ourselves when we’re actually trying to enhance ourselves — which is how we can justify this destructive habit under the guise of “doing our research,” just as I used to do when I listened to all those podcasts.

That’s a trap some of the highest performers in the world can fall into. And it’s one of the biggest paradoxes of self-improvement.

We need to study other people in order to measure our progress. But by measuring our progress, we often end up inflating ourselves, tearing ourselves down, or toggling between one or the other — often at the expense of the people we’re comparing ourselves to.

And those people, in turn, are almost certainly doing the exact same thing with us. And because no one talks about it, we don’t realize that we’re all comparing ourselves to one another in a bizarre, unstable, often toxic hall of mirrors. No wonder all this comparison makes us miserable!

But there’s another reason that comparing ourselves to other people makes us so unhappy. And it has to do with the ideas we already have about ourselves.

Just Tell Me I Am (What I Already Know I Am)

When we compare ourselves to other people, we tend to think of it like fishing: We cast our nets around the people we choose to compare ourselves to, check out the catch of observations that comes back, and then use those observations to form an opinion about ourselves (whether we’re as good, as smart, as talented, as good-looking, and so on).

In reality, the process is much more complicated.

Because when we compare ourselves to other people, we almost always have some preexisting idea about how we stack up. Remember, we’ve been engaging in social comparison since the time we were kids. That means we’ve had years (decades!) to form all kinds of opinions about ourselves — about everything from our professional talents to our social skills, our athletic abilities to our moral standings.

Those opinions are what make up our self-concept and self-esteem. They’re like the scaffolding of our selves, the pylons propping up our identities. Psychologists call these core beliefs self-views , and we carry them around with us wherever we go.

Our self-views are insanely important. They help us make sense of the world around us, and allow us to navigate that world in a way that is safe, coherent, and stable.

For example, if you have a self-view that says I am a capable professional , then that belief is likely to help you to walk into your office with confidence, handle a difficult meeting, and take on a tough new project.

Alternatively, if you have a self-view that says I don’t know enough to be in my position , then that belief will probably make the office a stressful place, encourage you to take a backseat in meetings, and shrink away from more responsibilities.

But here’s what’s interesting: no matter what self-view you happen to hold, that opinion is allowing you to make sense of your world.

With one belief, your world is a positive, promising, growth-oriented place. With the other, it’s a self-conscious, taxing, demanding one.

Either way, the views you hold about yourself will keep that world consistent. And to your mind, it doesn’t matter if those views are totally accurate . It only matters that they work . And they “work” by propping up that self-concept and keeping your world stable and consistent.

So it’s no surprise that these self-views are very precious to us. We need them. And because we need them, our minds become very anxious when those beliefs get threatened. We need to constantly keep feeding them, reinforcing them, building them up.

Because who would we be if we didn’t think these thoughts about ourselves?

What would the world be like without them?

It’s like driving across a rickety bridge every day, knowing that the bridge is in a state of disrepair. The thought of tearing it down and building a new one might be the smartest thing to do, but hey, it’s getting me across, and it’s been getting me across for years, so, you know, maybe let’s just leave the bridge alone. I like this bridge. I know this bridge. Don’t mess with my bridge, man.

So we end up protecting these views about ourselves very carefully. To do that, we seek out feedback that confirms that the office is friendly and exciting or stressful and hostile, depending on which self-view we happen to hold.

Which means that when we compare ourselves to other people, we’re often comparing ourselves with a certain opinion already in mind.

We’re not acting like a blank slate, waiting for comparison feedback to tell us who we are. We already know who we are — or, rather, think we know who we are — and then compare ourselves to others in a way that helps confirm that preexisting belief.

That allows us to maintain the ideas we have about ourselves, so we don’t rock the mental boat too much. It also helps make us stable and predictable to one another, so that when we come across a new person — or interact with an old one — we can predict how they’ll behave and decide how to behave toward them in return. William Swann developed this theory, called self-verification , which was another major contribution to social psychology.

So What Does This All Mean for Us?

Well, two things. Plus some really great news if comparing yourself is making you unhappy.

First, when we compare ourselves to other people, we’re not really comparing ourselves to other people.

What we’re actually doing is comparing our ideas about ourselves to other people — then using our observations about those people to validate those preexisting ideas.

If you think about it that way, you’ve never really compared yourself to another person in your entire life. You’ve only compared your idea about yourself to another person.

What’s more, the last few years have added a whole new level of abstraction to this process in the form of social media.

Now, when we compare ourselves to other people, we’re actually just comparing ourselves to versions of other people — the versions they choose to put out into the world. We’re comparing our blooper reel to someone else’s highlight reel, and judging ourselves against that prettified proxy. This isn’t news, but it’s worth remembering. People’s digital selves are not their real selves, no matter how much time they spend on Instagram or use the word “authentic” or hashtag their photos #nofilter!

That’s why comparing yourself to other people these days feels so much worse than it used to.

Not only are you comparing your idea about yourself to another person, you’re comparing your idea about yourself to someone else’s idea about themself!

And since that person is also comparing their idea about themself to you (and your idea about yourself, and hundreds of other people and their ideas), a huge chunk of life is really just ideas comparing themselves to other ideas.

Which is actually pretty hilarious, once you see it for what it is.

Second, when we compare ourselves to other people, we’re usually just confirming the ideas we already have about ourselves.

In other words, we compare ourselves to other people to verify the self-concepts we already hold, not to develop new or accurate ones.

We look at Bridgette in SoulCycle and think, Yep, I knew it, she’s way more fit than me, I’ll never be in that kind of shape . Or we look at Trevor in marketing and think, Wow, his skills are paying off. If he can get ahead, I can too, I just have to keep putting in the time .

Since the human mind seeks stability and coherence above all else, we’re almost always using those observations to confirm that we’re “right” about the people we think we are. Because if we were truly honest about the comparison data we received, we’d have to rewrite all of our mental models about ourselves and the world.

A person convinced that she’s the greatest employee on earth would have to adjust to the idea that she still has a lot to learn, do, and prove. A person convinced that he’ll never find a partner would have to adjust to the idea that he’s worthwhile, in control, and responsible for his relationships.

For most of us, rewriting those fundamental self-concepts would be terrifying. So we just go on verifying the ones we already have, and we don’t even realize it.

Which is also kind of funny, if you think about it. We spend all this time obsessing about how we stack up against other people, but in many cases, we’ve already made up our minds!

So if comparing yourself to other people is making you miserable, then ask yourself what your motivation for comparing yourself really is.

Is it to assess your abilities and opinions?

Is it to enhance your sense of self about those abilities and opinions?

Or is it to verify the beliefs you already hold about those abilities and opinions?

Many of us will be surprised by the motivations lurking beneath the self-comparison we’re engaged in on a daily basis.

What seems like self-assessment can subtly turn into self-enhancement when we realize we don’t quite stack up the way we’d like.

What seems like self-enhancement can turn out to be self-verification when we realize that we’re seeking out comparisons that reflect the people we believe we are.

And what seems like self-verification can suddenly become true self-assessment when we realize that we’ve only been trying to protect ourselves.

But no matter what your motivation really is, at the end of the day, the buck ultimately stops with you. And that is great news.

Because if self-comparison is making you miserable, then it’s only because of the reasons you’re doing it in the first place, and the ideas you choose to form as a result — both of which are, over time, totally within your control!

Still, we’ll never stop comparing ourselves. Not really. This instinct to self-evaluate, to look to other people for information about ourselves, is deeply wired into our species.

But you can notice the tendency to self-compare, and just by noticing it, refrain from doing it when it’s not truly productive.

And you can investigate your motives for self-comparison, and make sure that you’re comparing yourself for reasons that are productive and healthy, rather than egoistic and toxic.

And, with enough self-awareness, patience, and kindness, you can eventually learn to use that comparison not to unfairly tear yourself down or artificially build yourself up, but to find out — and I mean really find out, for real — if the ideas you hold about yourself are actually accurate.

Starting with the one idea that brought you to this article in the first place.

I need to compare myself to other people in order to be happy.

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Social Comparison: Benefits And Risks Of Comparing Yourself To Others

Comparing yourself to another person—also known as “social comparison”—can potentially impact you in ways you might not expect. On the one hand, comparing yourself to others in a healthy, positive way can potentially benefit your self-esteem or inspire you toward healthy self-improvement. Conversely, social comparison that takes on a more negative form can lower self-esteem and even increase your risk of depression. Understanding how social comparison works and how the disadvantages appear can help you look out for this tendency in yourself and manage it accordingly if it does occur.

Why do we compare ourselves to others?

Many are familiar with the conventional wisdom concerning social comparison: that comparison is the thief of joy, as Theodore Roosevelt put it. It turns out that research supports this claim as well. Studies have long suggested that social comparison has the potential to significantly lower self-esteem and reduce overall well-being. Why, then, do many of us seem to seek out opportunities to compare ourselves to others?

Since the mid-20th century, researchers have proposed theories to try and explain social comparison's psychological and sociological mechanisms. One of the first theories to gain mainstream consideration, social comparison theory, was proposed by Leon Festinger in 1954. Festinger, an American psychologist, hypothesized that everyone has an inherent drive to gain “accurate self-evaluations” by comparing themselves to others.

Later, other researchers expanded social comparison theory to explore its relationship to cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance theory states that people have a fundamental drive to maintain consistency among their cognitive systems. In the case of social comparisons, a self-evaluation that does not align with a person's sense of self represents a significant inconsistency, resulting in dissonance. When this cognitive dissonance occurs, individuals may be motivated to make changes that aim to align their sense of self with the results of their social comparisons.

The two directions of social comparison

The release of Festinger's social comparison theory spurred new research into social comparison over the next several decades. Much of this research was concerned with the direction of social comparison, a concept that Festinger describes only briefly. Studies eventually split social comparison into two directions: upward and downward.

Upward social comparison

Upward social comparison refers to how individuals evaluate themselves against those they perceive as superior in a particular area. Upward comparisons closely align with Festinger's theory of human drive for accurate self-evaluation as described in his original social comparison theory. In the early days of social comparison research, upward comparisons were thought to usually result in negative self-evaluations and lowered self-esteem.

However, more recent research indicates that the relationship between upward comparisons and self-evaluations is more complicated. In some cases, upward comparisons can increase self-esteem and may even serve an important motivational function. However, research also confirms the original hypothesis that upward comparisons can lead to lower self-appraisal and feelings of cognitive dissonance in some cases.

Downward social comparison

Downward social comparison refers to the processes by which individuals evaluate themselves against those they perceive to be inferior in a particular area. If one compares themselves to another and finds themselves to be superior, they may feel a distinct sense of superiority, which can increase self-esteem and bolster self-worth. Because of this, early social comparison research considered downward social comparisons to be protective , as they were thought to occur primarily when a person was in psychological distress.

However, as with upward comparisons, later research revealed more nuance and complexity than was initially understood. In many circumstances, downward comparisons work as described: Individuals who feel threatened in a particular dimension may use downward comparison to make themselves feel better about their evaluation in that dimension. In other cases, however, downward comparison can worsen psychological distress by reminding the individual that things could get worse, or by making them feel guilty for judging themselves as superior over another person.

Social comparisons, similarity, and self-esteem

Based on the research described above, it’s clear that social comparison can have both advantages and disadvantages. If that’s the case, what factors determine whether a social comparison will be advantageous? Over the last several decades, researchers have offered some insight into this question. Two discoveries have been of particular importance: the idea that both similarity and self-esteem seem to influence how a social comparison impacts a person's self-evaluation.

The role of similarity

Festinger's original social comparison theory proposed that individuals were more likely to compare themselves to others that they felt similar to in the domain being compared. While research has generally supported that conclusion, more recent studies have drawn other conclusions that paint a more complete picture of how this seems to work.

In the 1990s, researchers investigated the role of social comparison theory among those undergoing treatment for breast cancer . The research team expected that, in accordance with social comparison theory, the patients would prefer to compare themselves with other cancer patients in worse condition than themselves, a downward comparison which—in theory—would bolster their own well-being.

The results of the study contradicted the researcher's expectations. They indicated that upward comparisons—or comparisons to other patients with less severe forms of the illness—produced more psychological benefit than downward comparisons. In fact, downward comparisons— comparisons to other patients with more severe health concerns—were less desired by the individuals and more likely to produce psychological distress.

In the above study as well as in later studies, it was discovered that upward comparisons were more likely to produce a positive effect when people compared themselves to individuals with whom they considered themselves very similar. The cancer patients preferred to see themselves as similar to those who were healthier and viewed themselves as dissimilar to those experiencing more significant health concerns.

The role of self-esteem

As mentioned above, one of the most significant disadvantages of social comparisons is their ability to lower self-esteem. Early research into social comparisons initially considered upward comparisons as those which reduce self-worth and downward comparisons as those which increase it. However, contemporary research suggests that the level of self-esteem a person has before making a social comparison can affect the comparison's impact.

High self-esteem may serve a protective function that allows individuals to make social comparisons that promote growth and self-improvement. It may also make it more likely that individuals will consider themselves to be similar to those they’re comparing themselves to when making upward comparisons, and dissimilar when making downward comparisons.

Managing the disadvantages of social comparison

Based on contemporary research, one of the best ways to avoid the disadvantages of social comparison is to maintain high self-esteem . Of course, the most straightforward way to prevent the negative impacts of social comparison is to avoid comparisons altogether, but that’s often not possible. Researchers believe that social comparisons are often automatic and likely serve a valuable purpose in some cases. So while consciously minimizing the number of social comparisons a person makes is likely a good step toward reducing their impact, improving self-esteem is more likely to be helpful when it comes to our largely unconscious, automatic comparisons.

Here are a few tips for increasing your self-esteem :

• Speak positively about yourself. Negative self-talk, or frequently diminishing your own accomplishments and putting yourself down, seems to significantly lower self-esteem. Instead, you might try to recognize and articulate your own positive traits and speak to yourself with kindness and compassion, as you would a close friend.
• Start a positivity journal. When you receive compliments or accomplish something you’re proud of, you might consider writing this down in a dedicated journal. Then, whenever you’re feeling down about yourself, you can look back at these reasons to adopt a kinder, more positive view of who you are and what you’ve achieved.
• Adopt a growth mindset. A growth mindset accepts the reality of failure and sees it as necessary for success. Viewing your failures as an inevitable part of growth may help mitigate the harmful effects of social comparisons. For example, it may help you adopt the view that while you might not yet be at the level you want to be, you’re well on your way to reaching your goal.
• Be thoughtful about social media use. As usage of social media has increased, so have examinations of its effects on self-esteem. For example, one paper on the topic from 2020 reports that these platforms encourage unhelpful social comparison , since users tend to present idealistic versions of themselves there. So as you might imagine, comparing your real self and life to a version of someone else’s that’s been distorted and isn’t actually real can be detrimental. Limiting social media use and thinking critically about what you see there may help.

How therapy may help

Another method you might try for increasing self-esteem is attending therapy. With a modality like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in particular, a counselor can help you learn to recognize distorted and untrue thoughts about yourself and learn to replace them with more realistic, compassionate, and positive ones. If you’re experiencing symptoms of anxiety, depression, or another mental health condition as a result of harmful social comparison, they can help you address these as well.

If attending in-person sessions with a therapist is inconvenient or uncomfortable for you, you might consider online therapy instead. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of home. Research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as traditional in-person therapy in many cases, so you can generally feel comfortable with whichever platform works best for you.

What are the disadvantages of comparing yourself to others?

People have historically compared themselves to others, but in today’s world of social media curation, it is easier to do than ever before. Some comparisons can be used for positive things like motivation, but in general we should stop comparing our own lives to the lives of others. Comparisons don’t often offer a true picture, and can lead to low self-esteem and a skewed perspective of your own life. 

Why shouldn’t you compare yourself with others?

There are negative effects linked to comparing yourself with other people, including decreased self-esteem and psychological distress.  

What are 4 reasons why we should not be comparing ourselves to others?

Comparing yourself to others can be harmful, as it can:

• Create negative thoughts
• Cause feelings of guilt
• Lower self esteem
• Lead to feelings of cognitive dissonance

Why is it bad to compare yourself to others on social media?

Social media platforms allow others to carefully present their lives in a way that looks far more interesting, beautiful, or exciting than it really is. If many of our social connections are through social media, it can make us feel bad and lead to feelings of jealousy, anxiety, or depression. And it isn’t even a comparison to reality. Social media influencers (and even most non-influencers) will promote themselves on platforms in a way that makes it seem like they have more money to spend, loads of free time, and unlimited social activities. It’s not the truth. Comparing your own life to the glamorized life of others doesn’t give you a true or fair picture. 

Why should you not compare your struggles to others?

During times of stress or struggle, comparing yourself to others may lead to a focus on the negative aspects of your own situation in a way that’s unhealthy. 

Why should you not compare yourself to other students?

Everyone is different, with different behaviors, thoughts, talents, and motivations. In some cases, healthy competition with friends can motivate and help a person to achieve more than they typically would. 

As with most behaviors, there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way it can be done. If comparing yourself to other students makes you feel bad, creates feelings of jealousy, or causes low evaluation of your own skills, it may be something you want to address and change. 

Is comparing your life to others bad?

Not always. If done in a healthy way, by a person with robust self-worth, it can help them to focus on their goals and offer positive role models for them to emulate. In cases where a person has low self-esteem and the comparisons are continual, this behavior may lead to lower self-esteem due to a skewed perspective of reality. 

Why should you not compare yourself to others at work?

As in any other setting, comparison to your peers in a workplace setting can be positive or negative, depending on certain factors. With appropriate perspective, it can be fine. For example, if you are comparing yourself to someone that has a reasonably similar background, education, and ability like a coworker, it makes sense. If you are an executive assistant comparing yourself to the CEO and lamenting your achievements, then it doesn’t serve a real purpose and can cause negative thoughts and feelings. 

Is it bad to compare people to others?

It depends. If a person is aware of the behavior and is doing it in a way that is positive (for example: “my husband is such a hard worker and is the best person I know, I’m glad I’m with him and not *other person*”) it can be harmless. If a person is continually comparing their friends against each other, or their spouse or partner with other people, it can cause resentments and other negative feelings. 

• Celebrating Counselors During National Counseling Awareness Month Medically reviewed by Elizabeth Erban , LMFT, IMH-E
• How Different Languages Address And Embrace Talking About Mental Health Medically reviewed by Melissa Guarnaccia , LCSW
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Essay on Comparing Yourself To Others

Students are often asked to write an essay on Comparing Yourself To Others in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on Comparing Yourself To Others

Understanding comparisons.

Comparing yourself to others is a common habit. This means looking at other people and thinking they are better or worse than you in some way. This can be about looks, skills, success, or anything else. It’s a natural thing to do, but it can also cause problems.

The Negative Side of Comparisons

Comparing yourself to others can make you feel bad. If you think someone else is better, you might feel sad, angry, or jealous. You might also feel pressure to be like them, which can be stressful and tiring.

The Positive Side of Comparisons

On the other hand, comparing can also be good. It can inspire you to work harder and improve yourself. Seeing someone else’s success can motivate you to reach your own goals. But remember, it’s important to focus on your own journey.

In conclusion, comparing yourself to others has both good and bad sides. It’s important to remember that everyone is different and has their own strengths. Instead of comparing, focus on being the best you can be.

250 Words Essay on Comparing Yourself To Others

Understanding comparison, the negative side.

Often, comparing ourselves to others can make us feel bad. For example, if we see someone who is better at sports than us, we might feel like we’re not good enough. This can make us feel sad, upset, or even angry. It can also make us lose our self-confidence, which is very important for doing well in life.

The Positive Side

On the other hand, comparing ourselves to others can sometimes be good. It can motivate us to work harder and improve ourselves. For example, if we see someone who gets better grades than us, we might want to study more to get better grades too.

Being Fair to Yourself

It’s important to remember that everyone is different. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. So, it’s not fair to compare ourselves to others all the time. Instead of comparing, we should focus on being the best we can be. This means working hard, learning from our mistakes, and always trying to improve.

In conclusion, comparing ourselves to others can have both good and bad effects. It’s okay to compare sometimes, but we shouldn’t let it make us feel bad about ourselves. Instead, we should use it as motivation to become better. The most important thing is to be happy with who we are and to always try our best.

500 Words Essay on Comparing Yourself To Others

The act of comparing.

Comparing yourself to others is a common thing that most people do. It’s like looking at two apples and trying to see which one looks better. You might look at your friend who is good at sports and wish you could play as well as them. Or you might see someone on TV with lots of money and wish you had the same. This is what comparison is all about.

Why We Compare

Another reason is that it can motivate us to do better. If you see your friend getting good grades, you might want to study harder to get the same grades. This is a positive side of comparison.

The Downside of Comparison

While comparison can sometimes be good, it can often make us feel bad. If you are always comparing yourself to others, you might start to feel that you are not good enough. This can make you feel sad and can lower your confidence. It’s like always trying to climb a mountain that keeps getting higher.

How to Stop Comparing

Stopping comparison is not easy, but it can be done. One way is to focus on your own growth. Instead of looking at how others are doing, look at how you are doing. Are you better today than you were yesterday? That’s what really matters.

Another way is to celebrate your own strengths. You might not be good at sports, but maybe you are good at art or music. Everyone is good at something, and it’s important to recognize and celebrate these things.

If you’re looking for more, here are essays on other interesting topics:

Apart from these, you can look at all the essays by clicking here .

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Nothing compares - stop the habit of comparison

29 March 2019

We all know that one person – someone who excels in all aspects that you begin to compare yourself to, and as much as you try to keep up, you just cannot. Olivia shares 4 ways in which you can learn to embrace who you are and stop the habit of comparing yourself to others.

Comparing ourselves to others is something we all suffer from and it’s unfair on yourself to do so. Instead, you should look at your own strengths and see that as an individual you have so much to offer the world and be happy about. It’s important that we learn how to see our own value and individuality. Here’s four steps that can help you on the journey to stop comparing yourself to others:

1. Be mindful of how social media exaggerates perfection

Social media platforms constantly bombard us with people’s best moments. This can easily cause self-doubt, frustration and feelings of inadequacy. You need to keep in mind that people only share the highlights of their life and that it’s human nature to compare our worst moments with someone else’s best. It’s always good to remind yourself that people don’t normally share their worst moments in the same way and that the individuals you ‘look up to’ probably feel the same way when they scroll through their timelines.

2. Be thankful

Don’t concentrate on your weaknesses. Appreciate yourself and focus on your strengths! Celebrate the things you’re good at, what you’ve achieved, your incredible friends and family etc. Be thankful for all things big and small. You are unique and no one can do exactly what you do! Remember it’s also very likely that someone out there is comparing themselves to your life.

3. Turn comparison into inspiration

We tend to only hone in on other people’s success as a final product. We do not often consider the work they put in behind the scenes. For example, if you find yourself comparing your essay mark to someone else’s, think about if they spent longer preparing and working on it than you did. Don’t let other people’s achievements get you down; let it open the doors to motivation and endless possibilities. Let it inspire you into working harder and being a better version of yourself!

4. Learn to accept yourself

If you constantly compare yourself to others and want what others have, you will only ever be unhappy. Try to accept and realise that what you have is enough - you’re great at university, part of an incredible community and have friends and family that support you through all endeavours. You are more than you know – you are enough. We all just need to take a step back from time to time to accept ourselves and gain contentment.

Olivia Rose, BA History

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The art of comparing yourself to others

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Let’s face it, we all do it.

We get 86% on an exam and feel fantastic, until Smart Sally comes along and flaunts her 90%. We put our blood, sweat, and tears into succeeding at work, until we hear Charming Chad receive the praise instead.

We’re familiar with that sinking feeling in our chests when somebody ‘does better’ or ‘receives more’ compared to us. It’s an unpleasant sensation, often a mixture of envy, disappointment, and a chip at our self-esteem. We scream into the void, “It’s not fair!”

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Wow, that really frames comparison in a bad light.

Now I have some bad news,  and  some good news.

The bad news is  comparing ourselves to others is pretty inevitable —we’re apparently wired, as humans, to do this. The good news is we can navigate this inevitability in a way that’s helpful , not harmful. Here’s what to remember...

There are ‘insecurity hot spots’ you can control

I don’t know about you, but Instagram is a prime place for making me feel inadequate in comparison to others.

On the one hand, I want to keep up to date with my friends’ lives. On the other hand, I see IG stories of Genius Gerald winning case competitions and Travel-bug Tracy sipping on coconuts in Hawaii, and I wonder why I’m sitting in front of a blank essay.

Then again, nobody is forcing you to keep refreshing your feed.

This is an example of an ‘insecurity hot spot’ we can control. Try going on a social media detox !

When you put down your phone, you can focus more on being present  and spending time with family and friends who lift you up. You’ll also free up countless hours to work on (and be proud of) yourself!

Remember, places like Instagram aren’t accurate representations of real life. After all...

What you see is just the surface

Everybody is an iceberg (to some extent). We often pick and choose the best parts of ourselves to display (the tip), while the real us can only be discovered by going beneath the surface (the rest of the iceberg).

Remember that what you see is often not an accurate depiction of reality. For example, if you failed an exam, you’re probably much less likely to announce it to the world than if you received a huge scholarship.

Smart Sally scored 4% higher than you? You see her satisfied smile, but you don’t see the tens of hours she spent redoing textbook questions. Cheesy Cherry and her boyfriend PDA Paul are #couplegoals? You see their hand-holding, but you don’t see the argument they had last night.

Don’t compare your reality with other people’s surface displays.

Now, instead of being icebergs, let's become lawns of grass.

The grass seems greener on the other side

It’s so easy to notice what we lack , but what about what we have ?

Maybe your neighbour’s lawn (or Braggy Bob’s accomplishments) seem super impressive. But you should be proud of your own lawn too! In fact, while you’re busy being jealous of Perfect Priscilla’s impeccable pedicure, Perfect Priscilla is wondering how she can be as caring and lovable as you.

So instead of wanting to climb over the fence to get on par with other people’s perfection , water your own grass . Everybody is unique, and nobody (and I mean nobody) is actually perfect.

You are your own version of perfect, so grow it, and own it.

Now, let’s turn this comparison game into something positive .

Comparisons show what makes you shine

It’s inevitable to compare ourselves to others. In that case, let’s make the best of it! When in the comparison game, reframe it—so that instead of fixating on your flaws, focus on your strengths and opportunities.

Use comparison to draw attention to your strengths. Don’t be cocky about it, but do acknowledge the areas where you’re successful. Be grateful for the position that you’re in, and focus on what makes you unique!

For example, maybe you’re not great at math in comparison to your classmates (#relatable). But when it comes to creativity, your classmates might get stuck while you’re a total rockstar idea generator. Don’t forget how awesome you are.

Comparison can become inspiration

Gaps are not failures. Gaps are opportunities to become better. For me, the people around me are a prime source of motivation.

For example, maybe Techy Tony scored a job at Google. Now you’re thinking, “Darn, I wish that was me.” Well, it could be you.

Instead of being jealous, take this chance to congratulate Tony, and perhaps ask him for a coffee chat to learn about how he did it.

Be humble. Be curious. Be a lifelong learner.

Soon, people will be asking you on coffee chats to learn how you made it.

Remember: you’re irreplaceable!

You’re super unique. Seriously.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how you compare to Techy Tony, Perfect Priscilla, Smart Sally, Braggy Bob, or Travel-bug Tracy. You are your own person, so don’t ever let comparisons erase your confidence in how great you are. You have the power to reframe the comparison game with gratitude and motivation instead!

So just be you, because nothing can compare to that.

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When comparing yourself to others turns self-destructive.

• You never know what their life is about, what they’re dealing with and and the hidden battles they face
• When people compare and then feel depressed and demoralized, it’s often stemming from a belief that you’re not good enough
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Part of the Series “Braving Up To Build Your Best Life" 

Comparing ourselves to others online can be destructive

I know a lot about comparing ourselves to others and what that does to us – both the positive and the negative effects -- because I’ve engaged in comparison more times than I can count.  In my therapy training, I learned to expand my awareness of my thoughts and feelings, and through that process, I saw much more clearly when and how comparison has enlivened me, and also where it’s made me feel awful - jealous, resentful, and “less than.”

Now, working with professional women to build happier, more rewarding lives and careers, I’m seeing even more clearly how the act of comparing ourselves to others can be motivating, and when it can backfire and become damaging and destructive.

As I’ve talked more about this, some people have said, “No, Kathy, you’re wrong. Comparison is always very helpful.” Sometimes it is. Yet there are many people around us (you know who they are) who obsessively engage in comparison, and it makes them sad, sick and disengaged from life and work.

Here’s a look at my personal take on How To Stop Obsessively Comparing Yourself To Others   And Coming Up Short (and why you need to):

The most important thing to understand is that there is a huge difference in energy and outcome between seeing other people’s success and using that vision to inspire you, versus beating yourself up mercilessly because you’re not where they are. If comparison makes you feel worthless and demoralized, unable to get what you want and “deserve,” and you resent others for what they have, it’s time to stop comparing or shift your approach to it.

But there are positive effects of comparison. It can generate:

• A feeling and belief that something greater and more rewarding is possible for you because you see it in someone else
• A clearer pathway to success because you have a role model who is ten steps ahead of you doing what you long to and giving you a blueprint for getting there
• More positive growth in you because witnessing someone else’s expansion reminds you that you have what it takes too to achieve that same outcome or accomplishment, or something greater

Where comparison to others goes wrong, however, is in these ways:

Obsessive comparing – when you just can’t stop

I personally know and have worked with many people who are addicted to comparison and to feeling like a loser or a victim.  They literally spend hours of their time each week on Facebook, LinkedIn, or other social media platforms looking at what other people have created and achieved, and they feel sick and depressed afterwards.

This type of comparison leads people to invest in negative, destructive beliefs such as:

• I don’t have good friends to experience amazing times with (like these other people)
• I’m not rich, beautiful, talented, educated, thin (you name it) enough to be lovable
• My children aren’t as successful and accomplished as they should be and as so many others are
• My or my kids’ disabilities or challenges are shameful
• I’m not as loved as so many others out there are
• I don’t have vacations or life experiences that are exciting
• My life and career are a huge disappointment and embarrassment
• I haven't achieved anything worthwhile
• I’m totally alone

It’s critical to remember (but so many people forget) that social media platforms like Facebook - which can be very helpful and enjoyable in many ways - encourage us to put out into the world only the most sanitized, flattering and praise-worthy version of our lives, not the real, raw experiences we’re having.

Just ask yourself this: How many selfies have you taken (of yourself alone or with others) that actually never end up being shared? Hundreds, even thousands, I’d guess, because you censor and judge them so harshly that most never see the light of day. Only the most beautiful and flattering make it.

This realization is vitally important because it’s a damaging mistake to compare the raw reality of your own life with the highly fictionalized, sanitized and “touched-up” version of another’s. You never know what their life is about, what they’re dealing with and and the hidden battles they face , and you never will know.

Always falling short and findings yourself unworthy or “less than”

When people compare and then feel depressed and demoralized, it’s often stemming from a belief that you’re not good enough , and you’re always on the hunt for validation of that belief.

- Society trains us to compare ourselves using outer, socially-constructed measures of “success” and worthiness including: beauty, age, weight, money, social status, marital status, etc. Understand that there’s extreme pressure on us to achieve those measures, but in reality, they’re culturally-derived ideas that won’t necessarily bring you personal joy and fulfillment , given your unique values and wants. (Take a look at this powerful, eye-opening TED talk from Ashton Applewhite on Ageism.)

- If you feel continually as if you’re “less than,” ask yourself “How old is this feeling?” I’m guessing that for most, the feeling of “not good enough” began in early childhood, reinforced by authority figures who somehow conveyed that what you did and who you were was not worthy of their unconditional love and positive regard.

- Thousands up thousands of people in this world have been raised by narcissists and exposure to narcissism can bring about extremely damaging effects . It’s projected that at least 10% of the U.S. population has borderline personality disorder and/or narcissistic personality disorder, and from my research and study, the number who are affected by people with these disorders is vast. Those who experienced emotionally-manipulative parents often grow up never feeling good enough, and this feeling of lack of worthiness bleeds into all aspects of their lives, including their careers, businesses, families and relationships.

- If you are chronically unhappy with your life, comparing yourself to others isn’t going to help you. You need another approach that will inspire and motivate you to brave up and make the changes you need to be happier.

How can you stop the negative comparing and expand your self-love and self-acceptance?

Gain awareness of your thoughts

Begin to gain awareness of each harsh, judgmental thought you have of yourself in comparison to others. Start to see more clearly when and how you judge yourself and how hard you are on yourself.  Every time you recognize a self-hating thought, say to yourself “There goes one of these judging thoughts.” Then release it.

Change your self-hating narrative

Once you’ve done that for a week, you’ll begin to see how tough you are on yourself, and it’s time to actively shift your negative thoughts. You need deep commitment and unflagging perseverance, but you can change your thoughts. When you find yourself comparing harshly, stop in your tracks and dig deeper. Try to understand what you feel you are missing, and why. Look at the story you’re telling yourself, and rewrite that story.

If you need help with this, start by saying this mantra every day:

“I am on the right track and on my own, unique path to building a life and career I love and am proud of. I am NOT behind. I’m exactly where I need to be, learning and growing all the time.”

Remember, you’re unique, powerful, capable and fully worthy of charting your own empowered and joyful course. But first you have to stop the self-recrimination, and start learning the lessons your life is trying to teach you.

For more from Kathy Caprino, visit her career and personal growth programs , and her 16-week course The Amazing Career Project .

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Journaling Through Emotions: Comparing Yourself to Others 4

We all do it. Compare ourselves with other, that is. It’s human nature. Children learn by mimicking others—a skill based on the ability to compare oneself with another. When I was a little girl, I mimicked the older girls’ ways of talking and walking, of wearing their hair, and their likes and dislikes. When I mimicked correctly, I fit in socially. When I failed to be like the others, I didn’t fit in. Comparison is a social skill. Plus, it’s just part of how we learn to perceive the world around us: this box is smaller than that box; that animal more dangerous than this one; this car faster than the other.

We gauge where we fit into the larger world by comparing ourselves with others. Studies* show that when we think we’re doing better than others, we tend to feel happier; when we think we’re doing worse than others, we tend to feel depressed. So judging ourselves negatively in comparison to others can affect us in negative ways. For example, young girls learn to hate their own bodies because they can’t hope to live up to what they see idealized in the media. Young boys compare themselves negatively to superheroes. They both end up feeling bad about themselves, insecure about their appearance and/or abilities. The only way they can make themselves feel better is to compare themselves with someone worse or to put others down in some way. In this case negative comparison leads to insecurity, which can then lead to meanness and even bullying.

That’s the negative side of comparing ourselves to others. However, it can also have positive effects. Comparing ourselves to people who are doing better can open up possibilities and/or motivate us to achieve more than we might otherwise achieve.

When I was in my twenties, I played flute in bands, and I spent many hours listening to the world’s best flutists. Comparing myself to those flutists had a two-edged effect: On one hand, I knew what was possible and became inspired to reach higher; conversely, if I judged myself too harshly, I would feel dejected and as though I should give up. I found balance by comparing my present to my past performance. When I perceived growth in my own skills, that growth gave me hope that someday I might achieve a level of excellence. The hope then spurred me to practice more, which led to more growth, and a positive cycle of learning.

How do you deal with your natural propensity to compare yourself to others?

To explore this topic in your journal, consider the following prompts:

• Do you consider comparing yourself with others as a mostly negative or positive trait? Whatever you answered, play devil’s advocate with yourself and argue (in writing) why the opposite is true. –
• How do you see yourself as compared with your friends? Other members of your family? Who inspires you to try harder, and who makes you feel like you just want to give up? –
• When you become aware that you’re comparing yourself negatively with someone else, what strategies do you use to balance your feelings? –
• When you feel good about yourself, are you more or less inclined to compare yourself with others? Explain your answer. –
•  Freewrite for ten minutes, beginning with, “Comparing myself to others is …”

I invite you to share your responses and stories, by leaving a comment below.

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* Comparing yourself to others can have health impacts –

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4 thoughts on “ Journaling Through Emotions: Comparing Yourself to Others ”

Amber, you have written about a wonderful topic! Yep, wonderful because I’ve done it all…compared, not measured up, measured up, overconfident, round and round….But really it’s always best to know who we are…what we want to accomplish or learn…and YES, to see others more successful! It doesn’t mean I’m any less. It is like Mother Teresa’s quote to “do good any way…even when people don’t notice……” Because as she says “it was never about you and them anyway…it was/is about You and God”.

Eden, I like that take on it … using comparison to know who we are, and what we want to accomplish and learn, and then if we still want to measure up to something, let it be ourselves. Thanks for sharing!

Good writing fodder. Thanks for sharing.

Fodder .. food for thought 🙂 Thanks, Pat!

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The Comparison Trap

You know those people who have more than you—money, acclaim, looks, whatever the spike of envy they trigger is natural, and social media is primed to amp it up. but in a world where followers and likes can seem like rock-solid proof of a person's worth, you don't have to take the bait..

By Rebecca Webber published November 7, 2017 - last reviewed on September 4, 2019

Judging from her Facebook page, Lisa appears to lead a charmed life. A middle-aged advertising executive, she takes pictures while strolling through London on a European vacation and choosing fresh produce at a farmers market closer to home. Those who spend time with her in person might also think her fortunate. She has a lovely, grown daughter and a devoted husband, and she lives in a handsome New York apartment. An artist at heart, she revels in the city's cultural offerings and recently had a personal essay published in The New York Times .

Yet Lisa's internal view of her life is much darker. "I have difficult feelings about how I don't have what I want," she confesses. "I feel as if I've made the wrong choices and fallen short." Her sense of inadequacy flares especially when she compares herself to friends, colleagues, and people from her past—many of whom linger in her awareness because of social media . There's the college buddy who achieved her dream of becoming a performer and lives in a gorgeous home in a tony suburb. There's the junior high rival, now a globetrotting public health specialist. "He'll post, 'Leaving today for Liberia to help with the Ebola crisis,' and get dozens of comments like 'You're the most amazing person I've ever met!'" Lisa says. Her own posts seldom garner such enthusiasm.

These kinds of comparisons drive home Lisa's ambivalence about her life choices, especially those related to her career . She came to New York in her 20s with a passion for the stage but switched to advertising when she realized that being in theater "meant being a waitress for the rest of my life," she says. While she's grateful to earn a reliable salary and benefits, she hates her commute and finds her work grueling at times. "I regret taking the path I did because of where I've ended up," she says. "It really gnaws at me." When she's confronted with a peer's accomplishments, her own perceived failings pop out in sharp relief.

Measuring the self against others is a modus operandi of the human mind, and in some ways, it can be helpful. The inspiration you feel about someone else's achievements can rev up the motivation to improve your own life. The recognition that your abilities are a notch above someone else's can deliver a boost to your self-esteem . But comparisons can be harmful when they leave you feeling chronically inferior or depressed.

That was the case well before the advent of social media—a turbo-charged, precision instrument for social comparison unlike anything in human history. Part of its uniqueness, researchers point out, is that it paints a heavily skewed picture of one's social universe. People are most likely to share peak experiences and flattering news about themselves—what University of Houston psychologist Mai-Ly Nguyen Steers calls "everyone else's highlights reel"—and tech companies, furthermore, use algorithms to prioritize that very information in social media feeds. The narrow, distorted slice of reality that is displayed on social media is almost perfectly constructed to make viewers feel deficient and discouraged.

"It creates a tsunami of excess information at warp speed, which could intensify the effects," says Princeton University psychologist Susan Fiske, who coined the shorthand " envy up, scorn down" to summarize the feelings provoked when we weigh our worth next to others.

Since comparison is a fundamental human impulse, there's really no way of shutting it down completely. But if we understand its origins, mechanisms, and what to watch out for, we may be able to mitigate the negative effects and amplify the good—both online and off.

Comparison and Its Discontents

It's easy to see how social contrast has helped people survive and thrive. A hunter-gatherer might have realized he was especially good at tracking prey, making him an indispensable guide for hunting parties, even as he left the spearing to those with better aim. Nowadays, a teenager appraising herself might recognize that she's a math whiz and aim for an engineering degree, leaving novelwriting to her more verbally proficient peers.

Social comparison theory was first put forth in 1954 by psychologist Leon Festinger, who hypothesized that we make comparisons as a way of evaluating ourselves. At its root, the impulse is connected to the instant judgments we make of other people—a key element of the brain's social- cognition network that can be traced to the evolutionary need to protect oneself and assess threats.

"Inevitably, we relate information about others to ourselves," says Thomas Mussweiler, a professor of organizational behavior at London Business School. "It's one of the most basic ways we develop an understanding of who we are, what we're good at, and what we're not so good at. It happens not only in a strategic manner, but also spontaneously and automatically whenever we are confronted with others. Even when you're faced with a standard that's extreme, first you compare, then you correct for the outcomes."

So if you're walking down the street and a super fit 20-something jogs by, you might instantly assess that, by comparison, you're out of shape. Then you may note that you're at least two decades older than the jogger and juggling the care of twin toddlers with a full-time job. You recall that you don't have the same metabolism or time for exercise. It's apples to string beans. The negative comparison stings less than if you were looking at another working parent.

Our comparison-targets, as researchers refer to them, tend to be those we most closely identify with as well as those within our personal orbit. We don't usually fixate on how our lot in life corresponds to that of Elon Musk, or to that of the homeless man sprawled on the sidewalk, but rather to that of our family members, friends, colleagues, and neighbors. And the comparisons we feel most acutely relate to domains we value, such as appearance, relationships, wealth, professional achievement, or goals even more specific.

"An academic might learn that a colleague just got five journal articles accepted," says Steers. "To someone else, that's not a big deal. But the academic might think, I had only two accepted and got a bunch of rejections."

The effects of upward and downward comparisons depend on how we process the information. Self-improvement occurs when an upward comparison inspires us to try harder. Self-enhancement can take place when we note our similarities to someone superior (She and I went to the same college!) or play up our differences with someone inferior (He's not as dedicated to his work as am I). And the self is corroded when we compare upward only to note differences that feel insurmountable (She's more beautiful than I'll ever be) or dwell on commonalities with someone we disdain (That loser is unemployed, too).

People aren't uniformly at risk of negative social comparison; unsurprisingly, those with low self-esteem are more likely to feel that they don't stack up. That sounds familiar to Lisa. "Self-esteem is a self-fulfilling prophecy," she says. "You project that lack of confidence . I've always been overly self-critical—I think of myself as the hunchback of Madison Avenue."

The mental health of those prone to negative comparison can be seriously compromised as a result. "When we're reliant on others for our sense of self, only feeling good if we get positive feedback or markers of status, we're at risk for depression ," says Mitch Prinstein, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina and the author of Popular: The Power of Likeability in a Status-Obsessed World.

But it's not all bad news. A 2015 study by researchers at the universities of Essex and Cambridge showed that the tendency to engage in comparison processes declines across the lifespan. One reason, they hypothesized, is that as we age, we're more likely to evaluate ourselves against the yardstick of our own past rather than the present state of others. Social comparison is generally most potent for the young.

"I always have a list of things I should do and be," says Samantha, a 24-year-old teacher in Oakland, California. "Where do these ideas come from? I've realized I spend the majority of my time comparing myself to my peers, colleagues, or family members, and that's where my expectations originate."

Samantha is already thriving in her career, with a master's degree and a management position, but nevertheless has doubts about her choices that often outweigh her pride in her accomplishments. "A lot of my peers have taken time off to travel or have done all different kinds of jobs or have lived in multiple places," she says. "I haven't done any of that. I got on this track, stayed very focused, and have been successful. But while doing that, I missed out on other opportunities."

What she sees on her friends' social media makes her feel lacking. "Heather spent a month traveling in Greece—I've never been further than Colorado. I have friends getting married and having babies. I'm stuck in between all of these people. I know I shouldn't compare myself. It's a sure way to be disappointed. But it's hard not to."

Lashed to Likes

Social media is like kerosene poured on the flame of social comparison, dramatically increasing the information about people that we're exposed to and forcing our minds to assess. In the past, we absorbed others' triumphs sporadically—the alumni bulletin would report a former classmate having made partner at the law firm or a neighbor would mention that his kid got into Harvard. Now such news is at our fingertips constantly, updating us about a greater range of people than we previously tracked, and we invite its sepia-filtered jolts of information into our commutes, our moments waiting in line for coffee, even our beds at 2 A.M.

The tendency to check social media in our downtime, when we're more likely to be self-reflective, can make for some ugly juxtapositions. You see someone tweet about his fabulous new job while you're eating another sad desk salad, or you gaze upon pictures of an acquaintance grinning beside her sexy boyfriend while you stew over a fight with your spouse. Moreover, social media seems to ascribe explicit valuations to people in ways that once seemed more vague. The number of Twitter followers, Instagram hearts, LinkedIn connections, or Facebook likes that another person garners compared to us can feel like rock-solid proof of position on some imagined ladder.

There's a reason that teenagers in particular are prone to the feverish pursuit of valuation via social media. Prinstein says it's because the wide variety of regions in the brain that seek and deliver social rewards, including the part of the striatum called the nucleus accumbens, become supercharged at the adolescent transition. "Social rewards are basically activation of dopamine within the brain when we feel we're getting attention or positive feedback from peers," Prinstein says. "It can also come from comparing yourself to others, especially highly valued others, and seeing that you agree with them, they agree with you, or that you're similar to them. It activates parts of the brain not unlike the way a drug does, which may be why adolescents become truly addicted to social media."

Most adults who grew up prior to the age of social media can recall having experienced the same innate drive for peer attention as teenagers. It's part of a natural process of reflected appraisal, wherein we develop a sense of who we are from how others view us. "That hypervigilance about how others see you is supposed to go away in adulthood," says Prinstein. "But social media has created this lifelong adolescence . It makes it too easy to keep making comparisons in a very adolescent way."

Nikki, a 41-year-old who works in customer service, joined Facebook in 2009 at the urging of her sister and cousin. "They said, 'C'mon, get on board, you'll really like it!'" she recalls. At first, she did enjoy reconnecting with old friends, including a high school pal with whom she'd long ago lost touch. She spent an hour or so each night scrolling through the site to see what people were up to. Since many were, like herself, in their 30s, that was basically one thing: "Kids, kids, kids!" Nikki remembers. It's not that she doesn't like children—quite the opposite. "I'm the one going down the slide with them, playing hopscotch, rolling in the dirt," she says. But at the time, she and her husband were trying to conceive without success.

Nikki eventually discovered that her infertility was caused by endometriosis, which led to a hysterectomy. She would never give birth herself—a bitter reality that social media continued to throw in her face whenever she logged on. "Holidays were the worst—seeing everyone's kids with their new scooters and Hatchimals," she says. "I wanted to be able to give gifts to the kids I didn't have."

For Nikki, it's children. For others it's their ballooning belly, shaky finances, or stalled career. Crystal, a 37-year-old mother of four, takes extended breaks from social media to avoid the onslaught of picture-perfect homes and crafty creations. "When I go online, I feel like the worst mom ever," she says. "My kids' rooms don't look like that. I don't make cupcakes like that. I feel 10 times worse about myself and ruminate for hours."

Ironically, social media manages to kick us in our Achilles heel not by targeting it deliberately, but by being largely oblivious to it. Our online social networks tend to be broad and impersonal, with people posting information to wide swaths of viewers without necessarily thinking about who's watching. And because of the tendency to post only a carefully edited, cropped, and filtered account of our lives, Mussweiler says, "Facebook profiles paint very rosy pictures. If you still interacted with those people from high school, you would know about both the bright and dark sides."

Furthermore, social media can skew our preferred comparison domains, making us think we care about some things more than we really do. We weren't always concerned with how acquaintances decorated their kids' birthday cakes or the exotic locales where they vacationed. But when these social media cliches meet our self-reflective moments, over and over again, we suddenly start to consider our own inability to pipe a perfect rose or wonder why we haven't been to the Galapagos.

In the era before social media, Stephen, a 51-year-old academic librarian, might have been a contented homebody. While he took many solo trips in his 20s and 30s, he doesn't travel as much now that he's divorced and his daughter is grown. "It's very lonely to travel by yourself," he says. But vacation photos on social media make him doubt his rootededness. "Maybe I should be more experiential, like that person who just went to Iceland," he says. On one level, the perception of others' lives could catalyze him. In reality, though, "It puts me in this questioning place. I'm reminded that I'm not living life to its fullest."

Screw the Scoreboard

When social media stirs up feelings of inadequacy, there are some obvious ways to tamp them back down. You can go for broke and delete apps or even deactivate accounts. You can ruthlessly prune your lists of friends, if only to avoid seeing posts and pictures from those who routinely make you feel bad. Or you can use programs like Moment or StayFocused that tally how much time you're spending on certain sites and encourage or force you to log off.

But it's ultimately how we use social media, not how much time we spend on it, that has the greatest bearing on how it makes us feel. "When we use social media just to passively view others' posts, our happiness decreases," says Emma Seppaelae, science director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University and the author of The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success . "We compare ourselves to others, get lost in their idealized lives, and forget to enjoy our own. But contributing, sharing, and interacting can have the opposite effect. Facebook presents countless opportunities to check in with loved ones and friends and be there for them if something seems off. Similarly, social media is a place where you can express the need for support."

Even if you practice healthy social media behavior, comparison is unavoidable in life, and it's important to remember that it's not necessarily a bad thing. Even if it feels disappointing at the time, Mussweiler says, "the realization that you're not particularly good at something can be a helpful lesson." Accepting that you'll never be an astrophysicist, for instance, could encourage you to focus on talents that are more squarely within your reach.

Alternately, he says, "if others are better in a valued dimension, it could be inspiration for you to work on that thing." Fiske likes to refer to the Dutch term for benign envy, benijden, which means the motivation one reaps from another person's impressive example. "Some evidence suggests that positive social contagion is possible with social comparison," she says. "Other people's good news can make us feel good, too."

Ultimately, the greatest protection against falling into the comparison trap—and the best way to pull yourself out of it—is to develop and maintain a stable sense of self. That means cultivating your identity and self-esteem, nourishing relationships with people who see the real you, and staying attuned to your truest beliefs. "There's a tug of war," says Prinstein. "Do you seek to feel good about yourself through social rewards, or do you rely on more stable ways of recognizing who you are? A stable sense of self comes from thinking about who you are absent any feedback. What are your values and preferences in the absence of anybody knowing about them? Can you be proud of the person you are who isn't publicly posted?"

Nikki eventually decided to open up about her infertility online as well as in real life, which led to deepened friendships. She also looked beyond others' babies and realized that people she knew were undergoing different struggles, such as a cancer diagnosis, a foreclosed home, or the unexpected loss of a spouse. Grateful for her own good health, stable finances, and happy marriage , she realized that comparison can work both ways.

"I got through the 'feeling sorry for myself' phase, and now I have a healthier perspective," she says. "Everyone's life is different and no one's is perfect. I'm grateful for what I have."

You Do You: A How-To

1. Seek Connection, Not Comparison

"Limit time on social media, but more important is how that time is used," says Mitch Prinstein, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina. Instead of passive scrolling, send private messages, talk about shared experiences, seek genuine emotional connection, and use social media in general to "foster the kind of relationships known to be valuable offline."

2. Look Up, Just a Little

Decades of research suggest that upward comparison can provoke motivation and effort; children who compare themselves to peers who slightly outperform them have produced higher grades, for instance. Seeing that the path to improvement is attainable is key—you're better off comparing yourself to someone a rung or two above you than to someone at the very top of the ladder.

3. Count Your Blessings

If you focus on the good things in your life, you're less likely to obsess about what you lack. Loretta Breuning, the author of Habits of a Happy Brain , recommends engaging in "conscious downward comparison." For instance, Breuning says, compare yourself to your ancestors. "You don't have to drink water full of microbes. You don't have to tolerate violence on a daily basis. It'll remind you that despite some frustrations, you have a fabulous life."

4. Compare Yourself to...Yourself

Like the tendency among older people to measure themselves against their own past, Sonja Lyubormirsky, a psychologist at the University of California, Riverside and the author of The How of Happiness notes that "people who are happy use themselves for internal evaluation." It's not that they don't notice upward comparisons, she says, but they don't let that affect their self-esteem, and they stay focused on their own improvement. "A happy runner compares himself to his last run, not to others who are faster."

5. Pursue Upward-Joy

Based on his own Buddhist practice, San Francisco psychiatrist Ravi Chandra recommends using the social comparison impulse as a springboard for true self-growth. He recounts his own effort to do so in a new book, Facebuddha: Transcendence in the Age of Social Networks! "Instead of generating envy, which is a form of hostility, explore what you admire and appreciate about other people and cultivate joy for their success," Chandra says. "It can be a catalyst for personal growth."

Facebook/LinkedIn image: fizkes/Shutterstock

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“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

We all have certain triggers that can cause our confidence to take a sudden nosedive.

For some, it’s a trip to the gym. If you’re self-conscious of your body , watching fit people strut their stuff in their tightest fitting gym clothes likely has you over analyzing your every body part.

For others, it may be a certain individual—a family member, friend, or enemy that, for whatever reason, leaves them with the dreaded feeling that they just aren’t enough.

We all know the gut wrenching feeling that arises when we see or hear something that immediately has us second guessing our appearance, personality, or skill set.

Unfortunately, social media provides us with numerous platforms that help to quickly trigger that unpleasant self-disdain.

Facebook recently reminded me of just how powerful a determinant it is to my confidence level.

I found myself comparing all aspects of my life , both internal and external, to a person I had never met. She was a stranger in every sense of the word, and yet somehow, her profile page caused me to question my accomplishments, appearance, and even personality traits.

I didn’t realize just how illogical this was until I explained it to someone, and, now as I type, I’m reminded even further.

Regardless of how illogical these comparisons may be, our emotional responses to such images can be so strong that they completely overpower our sense of logic.

The reality is, people are constantly showcasing the best aspects of their life onto social media.

The arrival of a new baby and a recent trip to the Caribbean are both ideal picture-posting occasions. But do these same people post photos of 2 a.m. feedings or lost luggage? Not often, because that wouldn’t show them in an ideal light, but it would provide a sense of reality.

Reality is what is lost on social media. We emphasize the best versions of ourselves instead of the real versions.

Life can be hard, ugly, and downright depressing at times. But those likely aren’t the adjectives most of us would use to describe the photos we post onto our accounts.

The feeling of lack and dissatisfaction that we feel when scrolling through our newsfeed often results from comparing our true reality to our “friends’” idealized, perfectly Instagramed realities.

We are using the same scale to measure two entirely different realities.

However, we fail to step back and recognize just how wildly unfair and unrealistic these comparisons actually are.

So how can we stop ourselves from making them?

1. Reduce your time on social media.

This can be a challenge since we live in a culture that puts such a high value on social media outlets. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

Allow yourself five to ten minutes a day to check your social media accounts and then be done with it. Especially avoid looking at profiles of people who trigger thoughts of comparison. You have nothing to gain in doing so besides anxiety and sadness.

2. Redirect your focus on the things that really matter.

When you direct your attention toward the real world, you have less time and energy to direct toward meaningless activities such as social comparisons.

Focus on a high-energy work out at the gym or finishing a book you’ve been putting off. Immerse yourself in activities that leave you feeling better for having engaged in them (versus Facebook stalking, which leaves you wishing you hadn’t).

Make a list of activities and then schedule them onto a calendar. Since we often spend time on social media when we have little else going on, having scheduled plans will reduce the time we are sitting idle.

3. Assess where those negative comparisons are stemming from.

As unpleasant as these comparisons can feel, they can serve a positive purpose in that they inform us of an area of our lives that may benefit from some improvement. The incident served as a reminder that I want to be secure enough in who I am and where I am in life that I don’t feel the need to measure it in comparison to anyone else (least of all, a stranger).

After my strong reaction to a stranger’s Facebook profile, I decided to work on developing a stronger sense of confidence and self-worth . I’ve done this in a number of different ways such as:

• Putting a higher value on my relationships. I have amazing friends and family, but I admit that I often take them for granted. I’ve tried to become more present in my interactions with them, as well as in encounters with complete strangers.
• Valuing my time more. In the past, I’ve been much more cognizant and respectful of others’ time than my own. I’m practicing putting my needs first and learning to accept that it is okay to do.
• Doing more of what I love. Sounds simple, but I’ve really made an effort to go on quiet walks with my dog more or allow myself an hour to read a book. Doing things simply because I like to do them has given me an increasing amount of self-value.
• Eating well and moving.  I make sure to put my body in motion for at least thirty minutes a day (even if it’s just walking the dog), and I eat small, healthy meals throughout the day so I don’t find myself snacking mindlessly on junk. Putting a higher value on my body by eating clean and getting exercise has naturally given me a higher sense of self worth.

So, next time you make an unfair comparison, instead of allowing it to make you feel poorly about yourself, view it as an opportunity for a little self-evaluating.

Ultimately, social comparisons aren’t indicative of what others have that you don’t, but rather what you already have but aren’t quite aware of yet.

About Emily Holland

Emily, M.A. is a freelance writer and Certified Health Coach. Her curiosity for people, personal growth, and healthy living led to a Masters in Psychology and a certification in Health Coaching. She is constantly researching news ways to live a healthier, happier lifestyle and is passionate about sharing her insights through writing. Visit Emily at curiouscoffeedrinker.wordpress.com .

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Comparing Yourself to Others: Why you shouldn’t, Why you should and How to Stop

• Post author: lesoned
• Post category: Self Improvement
• Post comments: 0 Comments
• Post last modified: October 30, 2023

Comparing ourselves to others is an inevitable human trait. You are always comparing people and things in your everyday life.

You are always comparing the beauty of people you see on the street. Comparing cars that pass you by, Comparing houses you pass by and comparing the appearance of people you meet and you make a conclusion from which you make a choice

For example, when you compare beauty between two people, you will choose the one you perceive attractive to be your friend or when you compare houses, you will decide which one to buy

And that’s okay; the problem starts when you compare your beauty to other people’s beauty or when you compare other people’s houses to your house

Table of Contents

Why you should not compare yourself to others

Of course, the effects of comparing yourself to others can be both good and bad though in this case there are more disadvantages of comparing yourself to others than advantages

The following is what is likely to happen when you compare yourself to others and perhaps the reason why it’s discouraged most of the time;

You are going to make inconsistent comparative conclusions

For example, just because something worked out for someone else doesn’t necessarily mean or guarantee it will work out for you, for instance just because Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg made a multi-million franchise after dropping out of school that you should also drop out of school

In the same aspect, just because someone failed at something, doesn’t mean you will also fail at it too

The circumstances that led Mark to where he is now may not work for you today even though they might have worked for him then. And still, not everyone that dropped out of school at that time achieved the same level of success as he did  

Even when you try to follow his footsteps, you are very less likely to end up in his shoes due to different external and internal circumstances he faced and you may face.

For example, back then there were not many social networks so it was easier to break through with a good idea unlike now when lots of social networks are cropping up every day

So in this instance comparing yourself to Zuckerburg who didn’t go to school and he’s a billionaire to yourself who went to school and you have nothing much to show for it will definitely make you fill like a failure even though the comparison is unfair

This is a good example as to why you should draw comparisons basing on facts in relation to circumstances at hand in your own life. And not compare your life to someone else’s life instead

You also don’t know what someone else went through or is going through to get where they are today, so your comparisons may still not help at all. But at least you have factual information about yourself, so comparing your self to your former self is good

Like if you where once an alcohol addict and now you are not, now that’s a very good useful achievement to compare yourself against your former self with

You will elevate someone’s strengths against your weaknesses

The sad bit about comparing yourself to others is you tend to see only the good things about them and compare them with the bad things about you even if they are unrelated

So instead of comparing strength against strength, you are very much likely to compare strength against weakness

And even if something is not really bad, you will see the bad in it or you will tend to see it as too bad

For example, if you compare yourself to a basketballer in height, you are going to appear very short when in reality you are not very short but the person you are comparing yourself to makes you appear short

This will, in turn, affect your confidence and lead to low self-esteem or even jealous and envy because you don’t have what the other person has

This will also make you feel bad about yourself

You will look for the bad things about others

In other instances, you will realize you are better than the person you are comparing yourself with, for example, if you have a good job and someone is not employed

The chances are, you are likely going to look down on them and treat them badly after getting a feel-good experience that you are actually better

You might also not even help those whom you feel are below you in status because you fear they might get better than you and you end up with unnecessary insecurity

Actually you might also end up being that nagging person who is always bragging about what they have among people who don’t have it

On the contrary, this could be a benefit of comparing yourself to others in that you will realize how fortunate you are to have what you have and then develop empathy towards others or even more help others get better

Why you should compare yourself to others

The subheading could have also read the advantages of comparing yourself to others because comparing yourself to others is not entirely a bad thing, but how, when and why people do it is what makes it bad

This section shows you that there is a good side of comparing yourself to others that you can use to your advantage to benefit you

Even though in this article we have given you tips on how to stop comparing yourself to others much as it’s a human thing but we are going to show you how to do it because there is a good in it

It’s impossible not compare ourselves to others because we naturally designed to draw comparisons between everything

For example, how will you know if you are rich if you are not comparing yourself to others or how will you know you are tall unless you compare yourself to someone else?

So comparing yourself to others will not necessarily stop but how and why you do it is what matters

Consider the circumstances that made someone get something. For example, someone might have a car at 15 years because he comes from a rich family and he’s parents bought it for him well as you come from a poor one so it won’t come easily

This already unfair comparison and you will just end up feeling bad for yourself when actually nothing is wrong because the comparison you are drawing is out of your control.

Besides if you had rich parents they would buy it for you too

Of course, there instances someone might have worked to get the car but what lead him to get the job to raise enough money to get the car.

He could say he applied for the job. Interestingly you can also apply for the job so comparing yourself to another person pays off, which makes it not all that bad

But that’s not how life works as there are no guarantees on anything

On the other hand, you could also apply & get rejected, well that’s also a good thing too because when you try to find out why you got rejected.

It will help you work on yourself by fixing the reason you got rejected so that you are not rejected again which is a good reason to compare yourself to others

In this way of comparing yourself, you look for something that someone has that you don’t have and then you try to acquire it too.

In this comparison aspect, it also makes you curious why someone has something whilst you don’t when you could all be having the same resources at hand

This is when you consider what some is doing that you are not and you do it so that you may attain what they have which in most cases is a good thing

Another example would be if someone has more friends than you do. The chances are high something is too wrong or too right

For example someone might have more friends than you because they are rich, but are they really friends or they are all after money

And you could have 2 friends that are priceless, which is worth more than 100 fake friends

But assuming it’s not money, and it’s because he’s kind to everyone, when you find how he does it, and you also put it in practice so that you can get more friends than you already do

The good advantage of this, is you will not settle for less by just comparing yourself to your yesterday

This also a good way of learning because if you already knew, you would have already done what you competitor did and get what he has

Of course this comes with negativeness like unnecessary competition that could spin out of control.

Even jealous, envy and hatred can result from this especially when you realize that you can’t have what someone else has or depression when you try to have it and fail

How you should compare yourself to others

Don’t compare yourself to anyone, But compare yourself with who you where yesterday

This is the best type of comparison we would recommend and what everyone should follow

A good example would be if you were earning 1000 dollars from your work every year, and this year you are earning 2000 dollars

That’s 100% increase and it’s really good progress.

But if you compare yourself to another person that was earning 100 dollars last year and this year they are earning 10000 dollars then, that comparison shows you are failing

Because this person has earned more than you were earning and now they are better than you which will make you feel bad

But when in reality you also improved though not as much as this person did. This could also make you drop the strategy that helped you make a 100% increase and you adopt another person’s strategy when actually yours was already good enough considering the results before and after

How to stop comparing yourself to others

Here are 6 practical tips you can follow to help you stop comparing yourself to others;

1. Someone can’t be you and you can’t be someone else

You should always have this at the back of your mind to avoid comparing yourself to others;

“Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be younger, someone will always be smarter but someone will never be you”

There is always going to be every single version of a person and we are not designed to be the same, some people are left-handed well as others are right-handed. Some people are tall well as others are short let alone some differences being genetic and out of your control

If you try to be someone else you are going to lose yourself in that person by trying to be them and avoiding being yourself

So you have to accept you are complete the way you are and you don’t need to be anyone else

2. You should wake up from social media fantasy

When was the last time you went to a friend or family member’s social media account and you saw them posting something bad happening in their lives?

Is it a coincidence that they are actually no one is having anything bad happening in their lives on social media?

Social media has turned into a place where people post only the good things happening in their lives and hiding the bad ones

“Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone’s highlight reel”

You will end up comparing the bad things you are experiencing in life with the good things someone is showcasing on social media which will, in turn, make you feel bad or a failure

3. Be grateful for what you have?

One source of unhappiness is not necessarily lacking something but also not being content with the little you have

“Half a loaf is better than no bread”

You will always be happy and grateful for the little you have until you start comparing yourself to others and that’s when you will realize what you have is not enough

While before the comparisons to others you were contented with the way life was

4. Avoid situations that make you always compare yourself to others

This could be quite hard but do it when you can, for example, you may not want to compare yourself to your classmates academically but your teachers are always going to it

And consciously you will do it too even if you didn’t want because the thought of comparing yourself to other students has been implanted in your mind

But if there is no one to make you do comparisons, then you can avoid circumstances that lead to it.

Like you can avoid a friend who is constantly bragging about their success or avoid going to place like a 5-star shopping mall where you literary can’t afford anything which would make you feel discontented with your life

5. Find what you actually compare yourself with other people and do something about it

It’s hard not to compare yourself to others and it can turn into some obsessive habit that can destroy your happiness

Find out if you can do something about it and do it so that you can be at peace with your inner self and stop the comparisons

Keeping on avoiding the comparisons may lead to regret later when you realize you could have attained something had you tried

This is more like “Try and fail but don’t fail to try”

And if you can’t then let it go because it’s out of your control, had it been within your control you would have fixed it,

“If you can do something about it why worry and if you can’t do anything about it why worry either”?

6. Avoid unnecessary competitions

When you compare yourself to someone, you indirectly start a competition with someone, and in this case, positive and negative comparisons are definitely going to be drawn in

Unlike in sports where you have to find your competitors strength and find a solution to them whilst taking advantage of their weaknesses

In life you are not competing with anyone apart from yourself, you should always compare yourself to your former self and who you are today not someone else because you are likely to look at their strengths against your weakness which will definitely have a negative effect on you

And when you compete with yourself in life you motivate yourself to get better than you were yesterday

Even though we naturally can’t stop comparing ourselves to others, we can avoid it

And if you cant, you should always do it in the sense of making yourself better and also help those around you but not in the sense of trying to draw superiority between you and others or trying to pull others down just because they are better than you

Instead, we should seek help from those better than us and also help those whom we are better than in life while also using comparisons as a motivator to achieve something

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Life’s Enough: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

“Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” – Marquis de Condorcet

If you took the strengths of others, and compared them to your weaknesses, how do you think you’d size up? And do you think this would make you feel good?

The funny thing is, this is what most of us do at one time or another — and some of us do pretty often.

It’s a sure-fire recipe for a drop in self-confidence and for unhappiness. It’s also not that useful.

Let’s say I take a look at someone who creates amazing artwork and really top-notch podcasts on their website … and I look at my art and video skills, and realize that I don’t come close to measuring up. In fact, I look pretty pitiful (I’m a lousy drawer and don’t know anything about video).

But wait a minute: it’s not a fair comparison. Just because I don’t measure up doesn’t mean I should get out of the blogging business, or that I should get depressed or jealous or resentful. Instead, if I looked at my strengths — writing useful and honest posts — I can see that I have a lot to offer, a lot to be happy about.

And that’s so important — being able to look at your own strengths, and see your true value. It’s actually one of the keys to success, because without this ability, you will be unmotivated, and won’t believe in yourself.

I wanted to talk about this issue because of an email from a reader recently:

I come from a Tier-2 city of India. I belong to middle class family. My job also such that I can’t meet both my ends, if I get married and start a new family. The problem is that I have got my teammates, who come from very affluent families. I can’t stop myself comparing my lifestyle with theirs. I know it is not proper to compare myself with them on the basis of what physical possessions they have. I must say that my financial planning is sound enough to take care of my existing family; and I can take care of new family member also, at least for some time even if I lose my current job. But whenever I see or hear them spending so much money after possessions, I start comparing again. How can I stop this habit, without changing jobs?

This is an excellent question, and a tough one. I think it’s natural to compare ourselves to others, but as the reader noticed, it often makes us unhappy even if we have enough and should be happy with what we have.

My quick advice: try to be aware of when you start comparing yourself to others … once you’ve developed this awareness, try this trick: stop yourself. Tell yourself, “Stop that!” And then start thinking about all the things you DO have, the things you love, the people you have, the blessings that life has given you. Make this a regular practice, and you’ll start to be happier with your life.

The Effects of Social Comparisons But let’s take a look for a moment at what’s wrong with comparing yourself with others:

• Like I said, it’s usually an unfair comparison to start with. As a result, you’ll always come off bad if you look at someone’s strengths (including what they have, like houses and cars) and your weaknesses.
• Even if you compare strength to strength, there will always be those who are better, and those who are worse. Where you are on the ladder of accomplishments or purchases has nothing to do with what you want to do.
• Even if you do well in comparison with others, you may be artificially inflated from this comparison. It’s a short-lived boost of ego if you win the comparison — easily knocked down.
• You end up resenting others for doing well, without really knowing the true person. You can see this if you’ve ever resented someone upon first meeting them, and then later realized you got the wrong idea.
• You might end up talking about your own accomplishments more than is necessary. No one appreciates that.
• You might criticize someone in public, trying to knock them down, often unfairly.

These aren’t good things. Let’s look at how to stop this phenomenon.

Breaking the Habit of Comparing Yourself With Others So how do you break this cycle of comparing yourself with others? Here are some tips I’ve found useful:

• Awareness . Most often we do these social comparisons without realizing we’re doing it. It’s a natural act, I suppose, and as a result it’s something that is done without consciousness. So the solution is to become conscious — bring these thoughts to the forefront of your consciousness by being on the lookout for them. If you focus on these thoughts for a few days, it gets much easier with practice, and soon it’ll be hard not to notice.
• Stop yourself . Once you realize you’re doing these comparisons, give yourself a pause. Don’t berate yourself or feel bad — just acknowledge the thought, and gently change focus.
• Count your blessings . A better focus is on what you do have, on what you are already blessed with. Count what you have, not what you don’t. Think about how lucky you are to have what you have, to have the people in your life who care about you, to be alive at all.
• Focus on your strengths . Instead of looking at your weaknesses, ask yourself what your strengths are. Celebrate them! Be proud of them. Don’t brag, but feel good about them and work on using them to your best advantage.
• Be OK with imperfection . No one is perfect — intellectually, we all know that, but emotionally we seem to feel bad when we don’t reach perfection. You aren’t perfect and you never will be. I certainly am not, and I’ve learned to be OK with that. Sure, keep trying to improve, but don’t think you’ll ever be the “perfect person”. If you look at it in a different way, that imperfection is what makes you who you are, you already are perfect.
• Don’t knock others down . Sometimes we try to criticize others just to make ourselves look or feel better. Taking someone else down for your benefit is destructive. It forms an enemy when you could be forming a friend. In the end, that hurts you as well. Instead, try to support others in their success — that will lead to more success on your part.
• Focus on the journey . Don’t focus on how you rank in comparison to others — life is not a competition. It’s a journey. We are all on a journey, to find something, to become something, to learn, to create. That journey has nothing to do with how well other people are doing, or what they have. It has everything to do with what we want to do, and where we want to go. That’s all you need to worry about.
• Learn to love enough . If you always want what others have, you will never have enough. You will always want more. That’s an endless cycle, and it will never lead to happiness. No matter how many clothes you buy, no matter how many houses you own (seven, in the case of one famous candidate), no matter how many fancy cars you acquire … you’ll never have enough. Instead, learn to realize that what you have is already enough. If you have shelter over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back, and people who love you, you are blessed. You have enough. Anything you have over and above that — and let’s admit that all of us reading this blog have more than that — is more than enough. Be good with that, and you’ll find contentment.

“To love is to stop comparing.” – Bernard Grasset

See elsewhere: Open Sourcing Your Creativity on LifeDev

Posted: 08.25.2008

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