college essays about special needs siblings

The Emotional Impact of being a Sibling to a Brother/Sister with a Disability

Career Day at an elementary school ignited my childhood feelings of growing up with my brother, Nick, who has a disability:

I recently spoke before 2nd-5th grade students during a career day event at Estes Elementary School. Whenever I speak about my career path before audiences I naturally share how having a brother with a disability provided me with my drive and purpose.

After my presentation, a little girl came up to me and stated in her little 2nd grade voice, “I have a brother with Autism”.

I said to her, “You do? Then welcome to my special club young lady, because we are the cool sisters that God picked to be their siblings”.

She responded in an unsteady and scared little voice, “Yes, but I feel sorry for my brother”.

I kneeled down to look directly in her brown eyes that were starting to fill with tears and said, “He doesn’t want you to feel sorry for him, he wants you to be his door”.

She looked at me strangely. I wasn’t sure if I could say the right things to this 2nd grader in the moment I had, because I could hear her teacher encouraging everyone to get in line to go to the next presenter in another classroom. I said, “Yes a door! During life be that one person who opens the door of possibilities, the door to love, the door to friendships, the door to something he needs, but when you open that door don’t be afraid to walk through it first and take him with you. But most importantly, don’t forget to be his sister.”

college essays about special needs siblings

For obvious reasons , the content of this subject hits so close to home and my experiences and insights as they relate to siblings are sensitive to me. I want to highlight these emotions for my readers in a series of blogs, so I can dig deeper and explore those feelings. My hope in writing about this subject to validate and bring awareness to those siblings and their families that these emotions are normal and you are not alone. So, check back and continue to follow the series as I explore the emotions and thoughts siblings of individuals with a disability may experience.

The 5 Emotions a Sibling Experiences are highlighted below. Check back for a detailed Blog on each of these emotions…..

Guilt- because they have a disability and you do not.

Jealousy- fighting for parents’ attention is a child thing, but maybe a little more magnified when their sibling has a disability. Along with thinking that their sibling gets the “easy” way out of things such as chores, school work and other responsibilities and we the “typical” developing sibling will always be held to higher expectations.

Embarrassment- it’s not the disability itself that is embarrassing but situations that come along with it. We might always be scanning the room to see if others are watching or noticing that we do things “different”.

Hate- sometimes it’s just needing to hate the disability, not the person

The 3 P’s (Pride, Protective, Possession)

Pride- that God chose them to be their sibling and the realization that their sibling will teach them more about life than anything.

Protective – becoming the shield that blocks and pushes back the negativity in the world associated with disabilities.

Possession- the feeling that no one else can support or love their siblings like they can.

Updated December 8th, 2019: Due to the amount of people who have reached ou t asking for more insight since this post, I have started to write a children’s chapter book. It will be based on myself meeting a friend in 6th who also has a brother with a disability. We share with our readers the emotional stories and connections we share over having brothers with disabilities ! Please comment or sign up for email contact in order to be notified when the book is released! Thank you for thesupport

My Imprint:

Parent takeaway: when your child (who doesn’t have the disability) ask you “why” they can’t go on a trip to Disney or “why” does their brother/sister have to come along…don’t let your first response be: you know why, your brother/sister can’t because they have “insert in their disability”. Let your answer be different. Don’t put the blame on the disability because you are giving a reason to resent the disability itself. Allow your children without disabilities to have the feelings and don’t shame them during their “cycle” of acceptance. Remember that moment when the doctor first told you about the diagnosis and the emotions you felt? As a sibling we go through those same emotions, but in a gradual way because we are young when we start to notice the differences in our siblings, so the cycles of emotions are delayed and can re-surface at times throughout our development of life.

Teacher takeaway: recognize when your student who is a sibling to someone with a disability seems distant. There will be times of social isolation, whether it is from guilt or just needing their “me” time. Just notice and show some extra attention. Also recognize when behaviors or learning styles may mimic that of their sibling. For example: I had to have speech classes when I was in elementary school because I talked like my brother. He was my closest friend so I would mimic his speech and styles.

Community Member takeaway: don’t assume siblings know everything about the disability. Don’t overwhelm them with your questions to help you understand, because they may be cycling through the emotions above and trying to understand it themselves. There is timing for this, but allow them to just be a kid with you. Allow them the opportunity to have a break from home life, and being the understanding sibling. Provide them with a different outlet, mine was softball.

Did you know I had podcast? The intention of the podcast is to share “pieces of me” in the hopes it impacts others’ journeys. Everything from growing up with a brother with a disability, teaching individuals with disabilities, empowering women, learning to lead, coaching, being a mom (especially a boy mom), to fighting through the thoughts of self-doubt. Each will be a piece of me intended to create a better piece within you.

Follow me on Instagram to connect and come along on this journey with me!

Take a listen! Links are below for all your favorite podcast platforms!

Pieces of Me Podcast – for Apple

Pieces of Me Podcast – for Spotify

Pieces of Me Podcast – for Google Play

Pieces of Me Podcast – for Breaker

I would love to get connected with you!

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44 thoughts on “ The Emotional Impact of being a Sibling to a Brother/Sister with a Disability ”

Wow, its so great to have someone else that can relate! I’m excited about this blog! Thank you for sharing!

If you are interested in a book by a sibling of a person with autism, try “Precisely John A Journey of Love, Laughter, and Faith by Catherine Miller on Amazon

Preach it sister!! This is so easy to relate too!!

Thanks for sharing this. Growing up with a sibling with a disability I didn’t always feel like anyone could understand the complex and mixed emotions I felt.

I do. The emotions have run the gamut. My brother died many many yrs ago and I am still dealing with all the hurt and pain. I try not to think about my brother too much. I think kids need therapy, to understand their own the emotions.

This is an amazing article and story. I will be sharing this with my older daughter who has a younger sibling with a disability. She is the best big sister ever and is so proud and protective of her little sister. We always try to understand her needs and emotions as well and make special time for her to help with the necessary attention her sister receives.

Thank you. This topic is so important These siblings so easily get cought up in feeling like the other child.

My daughter has PTSD and anxiety from her sister’s violent behaviors, which are a direct result of her disability. As a result, my daughter has significant control issues and doesn’t like people in her personal space. She does not do well surprises or kids who don’t follow rules. I wish her teachers would understand this. They have done more damage by failing to understand and support her. Your blog is so refreshing. It should be mandatory reading to all educators and administrators.

This sounds a lot like my daughter. Specifically the control issues, personal space, and other kids not following rules. We are currently looking for a counselor or therapist to talk to because she just seems like a very unhappy child and we don’t know how to help her. Has your child been to therapy and if so has it helped?

My daughter wrote a comic book about this: http://Www.adventuresfrommyworld.com

The effect on a younger twin, and 4 other siblings, i have been doing things so wrong, thank you for the insight, i never actually thought that their siblings feel this way, but it adds up now, 10 years. i’m blown away with this information.

This is comment alone is the exact reason I wanted to share my blog. Thank you for this. It helps me to know my purpose as I move forward, because starting this was hard but it was the intention to help others. You have motivated me more than you could realize to keep going . Follow the blog there are more articles in this series that do in detail about each emotion. The guilt article is already out, next week another one will be release . Thank you

Degrees of disability and caregiving along with parent’s ability to manage stress influence outcomes for sibs/family

I know my younger son feels these things. I have seen them. My issue is how to address them. He is the sweetest kid, and he and his brother seem to have a pretty typical relationship; except my 13 year old is the big brother to my 15 year old. My younger son, shutters his more complicated feelings and doesn’t like to talk about any of them. He has a great poker face to everyone but me, however he won’t talk to me either. I’m worried that there will be lasting negative effects to him bottling everything up.

I feel the same. My younger son 14 yr old has a big brother 19 yrs old with a disability. He has become a very responsible boy since he had to share my responsibilities. He too doesn’t talk about his emotions. I too feel he has it all bottled up inside of him. Though they share a very good relationship but he has become very sensitive . I just want him to feel free and convey the same to him but it doesn’t work

I am an elementary school counselor and a grandmother of a Downs Syndrome grandson. Your article sparked an idea that I would like to have a focus group for these students who have a sibling with a disability. I will be following your blog for ideas!! Thanks!

There is a lot on Sibshops , it’s a national thing as well so you can find activities associated with forming a group. When I was a school teacher I would host Sibshops for those siblings who had a brother/sister with a disability. Let me know how I can help support or give ideas. Love the follow and share!

Sibshop for your school district can help so many students and families in your area. Highly recommended it. It has helped with normalization for all of us.

We have a”Well Sibling Squad” in our area. I am still looking for resources for that sibling who has burdened these emotions for so long then loses her sibling, if someone has resources…

I am not sure what resources are out there but if I could be of some help please let me know .

This is something that is constantly on my mind as a parent to two special needs children and one healthy child. My daughter has two younger brothers on oxygen due to a rare lung disease. I always try to be cautious of what I say regarding why we can’t do things and why things are different for us. I pray every day that I’m doing the right thing for all my children. Being a parent is hard and being a special needs parent is even harder.

Your daughter will be amazing!! I am 46 years old and grew up the sibling of two severely disabled twins, 11 months younger than me. I have such a greater tolerance, compassion, sense of empathy, and strength for having grown up with two very special guys!

I always look at my older neurotypical daughter and wonder what her thoughts are about her brother. She is starting to get expressive about it and ask more about him. I will be reading this article to her today. Thank you for your perspective.

Every last word of this article is true. My sibling, my oldest sister, had typhoid fever at the age of 23 months, and was left partially paralyzed and stopped growing mentally at the age of about two years. This was in 1929, before the advent of so much help for such children. My parents took special care and she lived to be nearly 67 years old, all but 12 years at home! I and my other three siblings, all brothers, learned the greatest lessons of life from our June – the biggest one being unconditional love. I saw unselfish parents, older brothers who tenderly cared, and we all learned the value the important things and not the things the world loves. Beautifully written! Thank you.

I am 4yrs older than my brother Francis who was born with Cerebal Palsy , and I can remember as we were growing up, we were close because of our ages so we always doing something together, and I can honestly say, I never in my mind saw him any different than me, sure he could not do some of the things I did, but he sure the hell tried to do them and sometimes even did them, his perseverance to overcome his disability made him the man he is today , he is a Doctor who treats children with pulmonary diseases , he made me the person I am yesterday and today and forever, I am a advocate against all discrimination against persons with disabilities,

My disabled younger sibling sent me this link. Here is my story….I too have a sibling with a disability. Growing up was a little difficult. Not because of my sister, but because of how I felt my parents treated me. I have a brother (not disabled) and a sister with epilepsy and a scar on her brain which has her congnitive and reasoning skills at a much younger age than what she actually is. My father would always do things with my brother because it was the boy he always wanted, and quite honestly I think he is afraid of her condition, and my mother would focus her time on my sister because of the extra help she needed. I always felt like I was in the way. I unfortunately wasnt given the opportunity to express my feelings of neglect to my parents without being told I was wrong to feel that way, or that I was selfish for not understanding my sisters needs. I am now 30 and have just started to open up to my mother about my feeling of feeling like the 5th wheel. I love my little sister with all of my heart and would do anything for her. None of this is her fault, nor my parents (to an extent). There needs to be more education to families on the emotional roller coaster siblings can go through. When children are diagnosed with a disability, I wish there was some sort of support offered by a therapist or counselor for the rest of the family. And if there is I am not aware. Because of this disability, my parents and I are not as close as I would like. As I have stated earlier, I have expressed my felings recently to my parents and I, again, have been told I am being ridiculous. I have taken a step back from them to allow them to see just how much effort I myself put in to trying to form a relationship with them. Needless to say, we dont talk much. It is heartbreaking what we siblings can go through and feel we have to hide all these emotions. I feel, to this day, I suffer when it comes to expressing my feelings to others. I keep everything bottled up inside.

Thank you everyone for listening to my story. I have never shared this much with anyone before. .

I am crying, I am a triplet and when my brothers and I where one the doctor diagnosed them with Autism. This is exactly how I feel and felt. I’m sure my older two sister would agree. Thank you!!

I am the sister of a Developmentally Delayed brother, whom I now care for since my parents passed away. We are now both in our 50’s with a year difference in our age. I do agree with the descriptions above, but I would like to say that in my own experience growing up there is another experience that I hardly hear anyone talk about. The one that happens when parents are in denial. My brother was passive and did not behave in a way that caused attention as he was growing up. This allowed something to happen in our family dynamic that I haven’t heard to many people talk about. I am not sure if there is a name for it. What happened as I grew up was that my normal abilities where down played. In a sense there was a type of avoidance of my normal abilities and I feel I wasn’t appropriately supported through out my childhood. I could say that maybe my abilities where down played so he is disabilities wouldn’t seem as bad. This was not done intentionally, and I believe that my parents loved me with all their heart. But, they never could come to grips with the fact that my brother was never going to be independent. This lead to a very difficult situation for me emotionally. I guess you could say there was a type of emotional neglect that happened. It was and is very difficult for me to deal with the fallout of growing up in this way. Now that I have to take care of my brother, I have to fight resentment. My parents and I never once discussed my brother’s future or my part in it. Now, it’s like a full time job that I have on top of my full time job. I love him, but he has taken over my life. I did experience all the things written about in this article. But the part that says that the “normal” sibling is held to a “higher expectation” is where I stumbled. I, in a sense, was held to a lower expectation. I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience growing up.

My situation was not quite the same, but I always felt being smart or competitive were definitely downplayed at our house. My older brother is developmentally disabled and he wouldn’t have cared about grades, if he even knew what they were (he didn’t). Another thing unmentioned in this article is fear of your sibling. Depending on the disability, this can be very real. I hate all the sugar-coating.

Thank you for the share!

I Love your blog. I have a disabled sister who is 15 months older than me. Our mother dressed us as twins during childhood, as we were the same size. My husband and I moved her into our home after the passing of my parents. She lived with us many years until I felt I could no longer take care of her properly. She lived in a home and went to a day care for the disabled during the day. Her medical records stated that her food was to be cut up and she was to be watched while eating. Last December, the day care was having a Christmas Party. No one watched her as she ate whatever treat or food she stuffed into her mouth. She choked to death that day. Not only do I have the emotions stated in this article, now I deal with the guilt of trusting others to take better care of her than I provided for her. Thank you for this site.

Holy moly I couldn’t imagine. This is why I too opened an adult day care facility, residential housing, employment opportunities, and community access in my hometown because I wanted to have services I could be in control of. My clients are now all my brothers and sisters. I am so sorry for you loss and thank you for sharing.

My older brother and I have a younger brother with mild cerebral palsy and many birth defects. We are all in our 60s. My younger brother has a speech defect, poor hearing, eye problems, one foot larger than the other for which he has had surgery, dyslexia, and other learning disabilities. Yet he has a low-normal IQ, an amazing vocabulary, can drive on his own anywhere, knows an amazing amount of facts about sports, and has always held a job, although they are the low-paying, low-hours types of jobs like dishwasher, grocery sacker, etc. He suffered awful bullying through school, was put in classes with severely mentally challenged children who were nothing like him, has never had a girlfriend (he would love one), and has had one close friend who, we discovered, was trying to get money from him constantly. My parents and I have always over-protected and over-bossed him. I remember feeling so loving towards him as a child, but also embarrassed because of him, which led to much guilt. Our brother has become much more withdrawn in the last few years, angry and resentful, and very overweight. I think this is because of how unfair his life has been, and how he has been treated. It’s directed at my older brother and me, too. I understand how that could be, and I’m very sad and guilty about it. My mother, 87, has always blamed herself for his disabilities. She is hellbent now on making sure he is well-provided for when she is gone. They live together, and they help each other when one is sick or the other needs anything. She is worried sick about him, too, and always has been. I wonder now why my brother and I have remained so immature and dependent on our mom. We rely on her to help us out of $ issues, we rely on her wisdom, and we have remained scattered, rather irresponsible people. Is it obvious to everyone but US why that would be? Is the big factor here our little brother’s life-long struggles with his disabilities? Did we remain “children” too long because we had to grow up too fast? Obviously we need therapy. And what can we do to help our little brother now? We remain a close, loving family, but the underlying problems are not letting themselves be buried any longer.

I really enjoyed reading your post. I appreciate what you have said and have felt everything you wrote about. I too write about what it is like being a sibling to a brother with disabilities. My brother is 15 months older than me and 6 years older than my sister. We definitely have a different perspective on life because of his disabilities. Thank you again for sharing!

Where could I read some of your writings?

This is a great article. I grew up with an older autistic brother and went through a lot of those feelings. I share them in my middle grade novel No One Needed to Know.

“Be a door”. My brother has been gone for over 30 years, yet this article brought out so many emotions. I hope that I was a door for him.

Thank you. I am the youngest of four and am the one with the “disability.” It was good for me to read this. Im sure they went through all of these feelings but also tried to be the door for me and still do.

I can relate to so much of what you wrote in this blog. I have a special needs brother who I am now and have been legal guardian for since our mother passed away 13 years ago. There has been many ups and downs but I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to grow up with my brother. He has taught me so much.💙 Thank you!! Carrie

Thank you. I had a younger brother with learning disabilities and in the 1970’s most people didn’t get why it was so hard. Fortunately for him, my mom was a teacher who KNEW something was wrong and worked hard to get him the help he needed to be a success. But I took the brunt of his anxiety, anger, and issues because I was safe and would love him. Of my three children, two have special needs. One is autistic and one has apraxia. My oldest is the “normal” one. I found it interesting that his college essay was along similar lines as this blog. That his life challenge was being the normal one in a family with special needs siblings. All the things he gave up (a room of his own). All the social anxiety of everyone knowing he was “T’s” brother. I shared this with him and hope it helps him continue to move forward.

Thank you for sharing this! I can relate to a lot of these feelings, especially when I was much younger and my sibling was in and out of hospital a lot (child jealousy is a funny thing). Really insight post and I will be following 🙂

– James Peacock

Excellent and thank you. My brother n law has MS and we have been dealing with mobility issues for some time. We have learned a lot over the last 20 years. Thanks for posting this.

I can relate it very much. As I also had a brother with disability. You explained it very well I am gonna second that. I will be following to read more related content like this.

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What i learned from having a sibling with special needs.

In 12th grade, as I was applying for colleges, I was asked to write a brief essay about a person who has had a profound impact on my life. I did not hesitate for even a moment before deciding to write about my older brother, Taylor. After all, we have remained almost inseparable for my entire life and have experienced all of life’s ups and downs together. He was my first friend, my greatest role model, and actually there’s one more thing I forgot to mention. He has Down syndrome (you can read more about what DS is here ).

I’m not asking you to feel bad for him, much less me or my family. Instead, I ask you to open your mind to realize the incredible impact that individuals with special needs can have on the world around them. That being said, here is the essay I wrote for my college apps:

“Throughout a person’s life, they come in contact with multitudes upon multitudes of other people. Most of them have very little impact on the person’s life, some remain near to the person but do not impact their life in a profound way, and a handful change the person’s life forever. I have been fortunate enough to know one person in particular that has had an unquantifiable positive impact on my life. This person is my older brother, Taylor, and it is hard to imagine what my life would be like today had we been born into any other set of circumstances.

The majority of the influence Taylor has had on my life stems from the fact that he has Down syndrome. The most prominent feature of Down syndrome is mental retardation; but there are also a plethora of associated health problems. Thusly, Taylor may as well have lived in the hospital until age three. I was too young to remember most of this; but as a child I do recall many late-night trips to the emergency room for a barking cough called croup and two near-fatal bouts of pneumonia in his teenage years. He took on each of these challenges with phenomenal bravery, which is evidence of his inspirational tenacity.

Another reason that Taylor inspires me is that he defies all of the odds. When he was born, the doctors said he would never be able to talk. Sure enough, after years of speech therapy (not to mention the physical and occupational therapy required to master necessary skills for living that come easily to most) , he is talking up a storm. Not only this, but he recently graduated high school with honors and is now attending a vocational school for young adults with special needs. He also plays basketball and softball, plans to spend his spring break in Florida with his friends from basketball, and continues to have as much fun as he can, regardless of what others think.

The last and perhaps foremost reason that Taylor has impacted me so is his firm grasp on the concept of unconditional love. This is not something he has learned, but something that he has inherently known better than anyone else I have come in contact with. He just does not understand certain social nuances; but what he does understand are the simplest forms of human emotion. Nearly everyone he has met has fallen in love with him; and the reverse is true most of the time. Taylor just makes me wish that everyone else could let go of their pride and learn to love each other unconditionally. The world would be a better place.

Growing up with Taylor has taught me to be more understanding. It has also taught me never to take anything for granted. Additionally, being immersed in the special needs community throughout my life has made me into a special needs advocate. I will admit that growing up with Taylor has been challenging at times; but I would not have traded it for anything.”

Looking back, everything in this essay still holds true. Taylor is still the single most loving person I have ever met, and still continues to shatter my expectations with what he is capable of. Once a shy child with poor verbal skills, he is now following his dream of becoming a chef at a culinary school for adults with special needs and even did a cooking segment on the most major local news channel. He has become immeasurably more confident by volunteering at a local hospital and working at the farmer’s market, so much so that people don’t believe me when I tell them the doctors said he may never be verbal.

I have yet to meet a person (or a dog for that matter—the man loves dogs more than anyone I have ever met) who isn’t enchanted by his shamelessly loving demeanor and positive attitude. I am often taken aback by the insight that someone who allegedly has the mental capacity of a second grader offers about the world, in complete disbelief that such a unique individual has come to be out of sheer coincidence. Most of all, however, I am convinced that he loves me more than any one person has ever loved me. It makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be adored by my big brother, and while I would never wish something like Down syndrome on someone, I am so glad that I have been fortunate enough to have such an amazing person in my life.

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25 beatles lyrics: your go-to guide for every situation, the best lines from the fab four.

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

The End- Abbey Road, 1969

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you

Dear Prudence- The White Album, 1968

Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you

Because- Abbey Road, 1969

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

All You Need Is Love, 1967

Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend

We Can Work It Out- Rubber Soul, 1965

He say, "I know you, you know me", One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

Come Together- Abbey Road, 1969

Oh please, say to me, You'll let me be your man. And please say to me, You'll let me hold your hand

I Wanna Hold Your Hand- Meet The Beatles!, 1964

It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band-1967

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see

Strawberry Fields Forever- Magical Mystery Tour, 1967

Can you hear me? When it rains and shine, it's just a state of mind

Rain- Paperback Writer "B" side, 1966

Little darling, it's been long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it' s been here. Here comes the sun, Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright

Here Comes The Sun- Abbey Road, 1969

We danced through the night and we held each other tight, and before too long I fell in love with her. Now, I'll never dance with another when I saw her standing there

Saw Her Standing There- Please Please Me, 1963

I love you, I love you, I love you, that's all I want to say

Michelle- Rubber Soul, 1965

You say you want a revolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world

Revolution- The Beatles, 1968

All the lonely people, where do they all come from. All the lonely people, where do they all belong

Eleanor Rigby- Revolver, 1966

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

With A Little Help From My Friends- Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, 1967

Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better

Hey Jude, 1968

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday

Yesterday- Help!, 1965

And when the brokenhearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

Let It Be- Let It Be, 1970

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I'll give you all i got to give if you say you'll love me too. i may not have a lot to give but what i got i'll give to you. i don't care too much for money. money can't buy me love.

Can't Buy Me Love- A Hard Day's Night, 1964

All you need is love, love is all you need

All You Need Is Love- Magical Mystery Tour, 1967

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird- The White Album, 1968

Though I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more

In My Life- Rubber Soul, 1965

While these are my 25 favorites, there are quite literally 1000s that could have been included. The Beatles' body of work is massive and there is something for everyone. If you have been living under a rock and haven't discovered the Fab Four, you have to get musically educated. Stream them on Spotify, find them on iTunes or even buy a CD or record (Yes, those still exist!). I would suggest starting with 1, which is a collection of most of their #1 songs, or the 1968 White Album. Give them chance and you'll never look back.

14 Invisible Activities: Unleash Your Inner Ghost!

Obviously the best superpower..

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

1. "Haunt" your friends.

Follow them into their house and cause a ruckus.

2. Sneak into movie theaters.

Going to the cinema alone is good for your mental health , says science

Considering that the monthly cost of subscribing to a media-streaming service like Netflix is oft...

Free movies...what else to I have to say?

3. Sneak into the pantry and grab a snack without judgment.

Late night snacks all you want? Duh.

4. Reenact "Hollow Man" and play Kevin Bacon.

America's favorite son? And feel what it's like to be in a MTV Movie Award nominated film? Sign me up.

5. Wear a mask and pretend to be a floating head.

Just another way to spook your friends in case you wanted to.

6. Hold objects so they'll "float."

"Oh no! A floating jar of peanut butter."

7. Win every game of hide-and-seek.

Just stand out in the open and you'll win.

8. Eat some food as people will watch it disappear.

Even everyday activities can be funny.

9. Go around pantsing your friends.

Even pranks can be done; not everything can be good.

10. Not have perfect attendance.

You'll say here, but they won't see you...

11. Avoid anyone you don't want to see.

Whether it's an ex or someone you hate, just use your invisibility to slip out of the situation.

12. Avoid responsibilities.

Chores? Invisible. People asking about social life? Invisible. Family being rude? Boom, invisible.

13. Be an expert on ding-dong-ditch.

Never get caught and have the adrenaline rush? I'm down.

14. Brag about being invisible.

Be the envy of the town.

But don't, I repeat, don't go in a locker room. Don't be a pervert with your power. No one likes a Peeping Tom.

Good luck, folks.

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned..

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

1. The importance of traditions.

Sometimes traditions seem like a silly thing, but the fact of it is that it's part of who you are. You grew up this way and, more than likely, so did your parents. It is something that is part of your family history and that is more important than anything.

2. How to be thankful for family and friends.

No matter how many times they get on your nerves or make you mad, they are the ones who will always be there and you should never take that for granted.

3. How to give back.

When tragedy strikes in a small town, everyone feels obligated to help out because, whether directly or indirectly, it affects you too. It is easy in a bigger city to be able to disconnect from certain problems. But in a small town those problems affect everyone.

4. What the word "community" really means.

Along the same lines as #3, everyone is always ready and willing to lend a helping hand when you need one in a small town and to me that is the true meaning of community. It's working together to build a better atmosphere, being there to raise each other up, build each other up, and pick each other up when someone is in need. A small town community is full of endless support whether it be after a tragedy or at a hometown sports game. Everyone shows up to show their support.

5. That it isn't about the destination, but the journey.

People say this to others all the time, but it takes on a whole new meaning in a small town. It is true that life is about the journey, but when you're from a small town, you know it's about the journey because the journey probably takes longer than you spend at the destination. Everything is so far away that it is totally normal to spend a couple hours in the car on your way to some form of entertainment. And most of the time, you're gonna have as many, if not more, memories and laughs on the journey than at the destination.

6. The consequences of making bad choices.

Word travels fast in a small town, so don't think you're gonna get away with anything. In fact, your parents probably know what you did before you even have a chance to get home and tell them. And forget about being scared of what your teacher, principle, or other authority figure is going to do, you're more afraid of what your parents are gonna do when you get home.

7. To trust people, until you have a reason not to.

Everyone deserves a chance. Most people don't have ill-intentions and you can't live your life guarding against every one else just because a few people in your life have betrayed your trust.

8. To be welcoming and accepting of everyone.

While small towns are not always extremely diverse, they do contain people with a lot of different stories, struggle, and backgrounds. In a small town, it is pretty hard to exclude anyone because of who they are or what they come from because there aren't many people to choose from. A small town teaches you that just because someone isn't the same as you, doesn't mean you can't be great friends.

9. How to be my own, individual person.

In a small town, you learn that it's okay to be who you are and do your own thing. You learn that confidence isn't how beautiful you are or how much money you have, it's who you are on the inside.

10. How to work for what I want.

Nothing comes easy in life. They always say "gardens don't grow overnight" and if you're from a small town you know this both figuratively and literally. You certainly know gardens don't grow overnight because you've worked in a garden or two. But you also know that to get to the place you want to be in life it takes work and effort. It doesn't just happen because you want it to.

11. How to be great at giving directions.

If you're from a small town, you know that you will probably only meet a handful of people in your life who ACTUALLY know where your town is. And forget about the people who accidentally enter into your town because of google maps. You've gotten really good at giving them directions right back to the interstate.

12. How to be humble .

My small town has definitely taught me how to be humble. It isn't always about you, and anyone who grows up in a small town knows that. Everyone gets their moment in the spotlight, and since there's so few of us, we're probably best friends with everyone so we are as excited when they get their moment of fame as we are when we get ours.

13. To be well-rounded.

Going to a small town high school definitely made me well-rounded. There isn't enough kids in the school to fill up all the clubs and sports teams individually so be ready to be a part of them all.

14. How to be great at conflict resolution.

In a small town, good luck holding a grudge. In a bigger city you can just avoid a person you don't like or who you've had problems with. But not in a small town. You better resolve the issue fast because you're bound to see them at least 5 times a week.

15. The beauty of getting outside and exploring.

One of my favorite things about growing up in a rural area was being able to go outside and go exploring and not have to worry about being in danger. There is nothing more exciting then finding a new place somewhere in town or in the woods and just spending time there enjoying the natural beauty around you.

16. To be prepared for anything.

You never know what may happen. If you get a flat tire, you better know how to change it yourself because you never know if you will be able to get ahold of someone else to come fix it. Mechanics might be too busy , or more than likely you won't even have enough cell service to call one.

17. That you don't always have to do it alone.

It's okay to ask for help. One thing I realized when I moved away from my town for college, was how much my town has taught me that I could ask for help is I needed it. I got into a couple situations outside of my town where I couldn't find anyone to help me and found myself thinking, if I was in my town there would be tons of people ready to help me. And even though I couldn't find anyone to help, you better believe I wasn't afraid to ask.

18. How to be creative.

When you're at least an hour away from normal forms of entertainment such as movie theaters and malls, you learn to get real creative in entertaining yourself. Whether it be a night looking at the stars in the bed of a pickup truck or having a movie marathon in a blanket fort at home, you know how to make your own good time.

19. To brush off gossip.

It's all about knowing the person you are and not letting others influence your opinion of yourself. In small towns, there is plenty of gossip. But as long as you know who you really are, it will always blow over.

Grateful Beyond Words: A Letter to My Inspiration

I have never been so thankful to know you..

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

You have taught me that you don't always have to strong. You are allowed to break down as long as you pick yourself back up and keep moving forward. When life had you at your worst moments, you allowed your friends to be there for you and to help you. You let them in and they helped pick you up. Even in your darkest hour you showed so much strength. I know that you don't believe in yourself as much as you should but you are unbelievably strong and capable of anything you set your mind to.

Your passion to make a difference in the world is unbelievable. You put your heart and soul into your endeavors and surpass any personal goal you could have set. Watching you do what you love and watching you make a difference in the lives of others is an incredible experience. The way your face lights up when you finally realize what you have accomplished is breathtaking and I hope that one day I can have just as much passion you have.

SEE MORE: A Letter To My Best Friend On Her Birthday

The love you have for your family is outstanding. Watching you interact with loved ones just makes me smile . You are so comfortable and you are yourself. I see the way you smile when you are around family and I wish I could see you smile like this everyday. You love with all your heart and this quality is something I wished I possessed.

You inspire me to be the best version of myself. I look up to you. I feel that more people should strive to have the strength and passion that you exemplify in everyday life.You may be stubborn at points but when you really need help you let others in, which shows strength in itself. I have never been more proud to know someone and to call someone my role model. You have taught me so many things and I want to thank you. Thank you for inspiring me in life. Thank you for making me want to be a better person.

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life..

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Don't freak out

This is a rule you should continue to follow no matter what you do in life, but is especially helpful in this situation.

Email the professor

Around this time, professors are getting flooded with requests from students wanting to get into full classes. This doesn't mean you shouldn't burden them with your email; it means they are expecting interested students to email them. Send a short, concise message telling them that you are interested in the class and ask if there would be any chance for you to get in.

Attend the first class

Often, the advice professors will give you when they reply to your email is to attend the first class. The first class isn't the most important class in terms of what will be taught. However, attending the first class means you are serious about taking the course and aren't going to give up on it.

Keep attending class

Every student is in the same position as you are. They registered for more classes than they want to take and are "shopping." For the first couple of weeks, you can drop or add classes as you please, which means that classes that were once full will have spaces. If you keep attending class and keep up with assignments, odds are that you will have priority. Professors give preference to people who need the class for a major and then from higher to lower class year (senior to freshman).

Have a backup plan

For two weeks, or until I find out whether I get into my waitlisted class, I will be attending more than the usual number of classes. This is so that if I don't get into my waitlisted class, I won't have a credit shortage and I won't have to fall back in my backup class. Chances are that enough people will drop the class, especially if it is very difficult like computer science, and you will have a chance. In popular classes like art and psychology, odds are you probably won't get in, so prepare for that.

Remember that everything works out at the end

Life is full of surprises. So what if you didn't get into the class you wanted? Your life obviously has something else in store for you. It's your job to make sure you make the best out of what you have.

Top Creators

1. Brittany Morgan, National Writer's Society 2. Radhi, SUNY Stony Brook 3. Kristen Haddox , Penn State University 4. Jennifer Kustanovich , SUNY Stony Brook 5. Clare Regelbrugge , University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign

I'm a Special Needs Sibling. These are 10 Lessons I've Learned from My Brother That Can Help All of Us Live More Fully

My brother Eric’s birth was “normal,” but our parents soon noticed that something about his development wasn’t. After a series of examinations and consultations with various doctors, he was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, a neurological disorder caused by damage to or abnormalities inside the developing brain that impairs brain function, and for which there is no cure.

For some people with cerebral palsy, this diagnosis presents with minimum, though noticeable symptoms such as reduced speech or movement. For Eric, his condition was far more profound, with brain damage denying him use of language to communicate and no control over his muscles.

Last week, Eric passed on. I was with him, our sister Rachel, and our loving parents as he died peacefully. In the days since, Rachel and I have talked a lot about how we may not have had a typical sibling relationship with our brother, yet he was the most important teacher of our lives.

Here’s what Eric taught us—and what it can show all of us about how to live more fully.

Lesson 1: Appreciate Everything You Can Do

It’s estimated that the average adult makes 35,000 conscious decisions each day . Tasks like turning off our alarm clock, brushing hair and teeth, choosing what to eat, adjusting persnickety socks, and saying, “I love you” are just a few. For Eric, executing any one of these deeds would be a miracle, making me acutely aware and abundantly appreciative of my own abilities.

I first internalized this the day I learned how to swing on a swingset by myself, immediately understanding that my brother would never know the joy of such independence. Feeling guilty for being “well” is a common experience for siblings like me , and while it would be easy to be swallowed by sadness, something else helps me to transmute it: living with gratitude. By appreciating every little thing that your body and mind can do, over time you will realize that not one of them are in fact, “little.”

Lesson 2: Empathy is the Answer

Nobody chooses to live with a neurological disorder or to be born with a disability any more than we choose our height or skin color. No matter why someone is disabled—be it a birth trauma, a childhood accident, a genetic anomaly, or something else—not one soul asked for it. Still, we aren’t as kind as we could be.

Over the years I’ve paid close attention to how others encounter the differently abled in public. Whether at a grocery store or a park, common reactions include ignoring, staring, and not-so-subtle avoidance (turn and go!). Unfortunately, mocking and name-calling happen frequently, too. As hurtful as this is to experience, I suspect such actions stem from modeled behavior or a fear of “other”. Perhaps some were simply never taught what to do.

The answer is simple: extend empathy.

To do this, imagine what life might be like from their perspective and consider how they may feel. Then, consider how you might want to be treated if this were you—and act accordingly.

Lesson 3: Speak Up Even Especially When Your Voice Shakes

Thirty years ago, a high school teacher broke my heart. In response to a classmate’s joke, Mr. X quipped, “You’re a retard.” As the class laughed, my stomach lurched and my face flushed red with anger. To hide my hurt, I laid my head down on my desk and silently debated what to do. When the dismissal bell rang, I approached Mr. X. With voice shaking and tears streaming, I told him about Eric and how his use of the R-word as a slur was both the most disrespectful and disappointing act of any adult in my life. His response to my distress stunned me as much as the offense itself. “Aww come on, kiddo” he chuckled, then dismissed me by opening his newspaper.

I left the classroom and never spoke to him again. Over the next two years Mr. X avoided me. Though he would avert his eyes on the infrequent occasions we’d pass in the hall, I found satisfaction in looking directly at him—seeing that it was now he who was flush-faced and nervous.

Though I blubbered my way through, I learned that speaking up for yourself and others isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it—especially when defending the defenseless.

Lesson 4: Share Your Gifts, Shine Your Light

We all want our lives to matter; we all want to make a meaningful difference and to be remembered for our contributions. Instead of measuring our impact by the achievements hanging on the wall, the balance in our bank account, the likes on our last post, or the years since our birth, consider quantifying life in a different way: by the frequency in which you’ve shared your gifts.

Maybe you’re a talented gardener or excellent strategist. Perhaps you bake, clean, sing, or listen better than most. If you’re not sure what your innate gifts are, start by soliciting loved ones for feedback. Then, acknowledge, embrace, and share your gifts with others. We all have gifts worthy of sharing, and when we do, we can meaningfully impact others.

Lesson 5: Use Can-Do Courage to Live

Getting from where we are to where we want to be requires belief, commitment, and disciplined action. Whether wanting to repair a relationship or invite someone on a date, learn to crochet or learn a new language, running a marathon or running for elected office, if something is calling you, don’t let fear hold you back. Your desire may feel uncomfortable, but if you CAN, then DO! Give it your best effort without being attached to the outcome.

For example, I’m a back-of-the-pack runner and my crocheted efforts are barely giftable, but that doesn’t lessen the joy of the activity or prevent me from participating. Using can-do courage may seem like a small act, but when compounded, it equates to a lot of living. In this way, I’m not only seizing opportunities to experience my life, but I’m honoring Eric and those who would if they could.

Lesson 6: Pause and Practice Patience

For a myriad of reasons, we all move at a different pace. Some of us independently maneuver through the world with ease, while others labor under the weight of cumbersome equipment or rely on others for physical navigation. It’s likely that expressing frustration at someone’s pace isn’t going to make them move any faster, nor are we helping ourselves by getting bothered.

However, having to wait offers an opportunity to help yourself. By pausing and taking deep breaths, you’re practicing patience. When we do this, we allow our nervous system to calm and collect—an act that positively impacts our physiology, both slowing our heart rate, and managing spikes in blood pressure. At a minimum, this is a better alternative to spewing a reactive comment or angrily huffing by. No matter the pace, we’re all trying to get somewhere, so remember to pause and practice patience.

Lesson 7: Be A Champion for Caregivers

When confronted with scary real-world events, Mr. Rogers famously encouraged us to “Look for the helpers.” In the same spirit, to witness love in action, I say, “look for the caregivers.” Whether caring for a parent with cognitive decline, a child with a life-threatening medical condition, or a grieving friend, those who physically and emotionally care for us are doing God’s work.

Unfortunately, their saintly efforts are often woefully unrecognized and under supported. In addition, studies show that caregivers suffer a variety of health problems , including higher rates of anxiety, depression, and stress compared to their peers. Yet, due to factors such as increased life-expectancy and a shortage of professional care facilities, an estimated 44 million Americans currently serve as an unpaid caregiver. Recipients of care and those who bear witness know full-well the immeasurable blessings of a loving caregiver. You likely won’t find these unsung heroes with a verified blue check mark or thousands of followers on social media (as if they have time!), but their contribution to society is indisputably worthy of such rock-star recognition. (Mom and Dad, I’m looking at you.)

Lesson 8: Discipline Your Disappointments

Life is full of disappointing events: the friend who moved away, the promotion you didn’t receive, the partner who betrayed you. For some, disappointment comes early and often, which is why it’s helpful to embrace this life skill sooner than later.

Step 1: When disappointment comes, allow yourself to process and fully feel the disappointment. Be mindful of how you respond and how the disappointment is impacting you. Take time, but don’t wallow.

Step 2: As the feelings surrounding your disappointment ease, turn your attention to what is possible or what is next.

Each time I discipline my disappointments, I spend less time at my own pity-party and recover a little easier, too. The ability to withstand and recover from difficulties is known as resilience, and studies show that just like a muscle, it’s something that we can build and strengthen. Struggling with a current disappointment? Discipline it and flex—your resilience will be buff in no time.

Lesson 9: Ask for Help

No matter how able we are, we all need the help of others to navigate life. Whether long-term support is required to meet our most basic needs, or we need help with a single task, there is no shame in asking for or receiving help. The more we do, the more we’re able to recognize that no matter how unique we believe our human experience to be, we’re not alone—others have had similar experiences and can likely relate. But if we don’t seek support or ask for help, it’s unlikely we’ll receive what we desire.

False beliefs of inconveniencing others or appearing weak prevent many from seeking support. However, studies show that people are more willing to help than we expect, and both receiving and providing help has lasting advantages including strengthened connections. In addition to those in your personal network, talk with your care team; doctors and therapists are excellent resources for services and may be able to help connect you to others with shared or similar challenges. Whether you’re in need of a friend to text, an online community to join, an in-person weekly support group, or a nurse for daily homecare, ask for help and keep asking until you have it.

Lesson 10: Learn, Do, Teach. Repeat.

Though it’s true that Eric didn’t live a “normal” life, he undeniably lived an extraordinary one if you measure his life by his impact. Not only was he the single most important teacher of my life, but he also influenced the lives of countless others, including family members, friends, neighbors, and people throughout his community (Mr. X included!).

It’s in the deeds and actions of his five nieces and nephews where a glimmer of Eric’s exponential impact shines through. Ranging in age from 13 to 21, they have never known life without their Uncle Eric, and because of him, they are moving through the world with gratitude, empathy, and respect for the differently abled. I suspect that eventually, they will model this for their own children, and one day, maybe even their grandchildren.

I hope Eric knew how grateful I am to be his sister and how deeply he influenced my life and inspired me to live. My greater hope is that in learning about Eric, he will inspire you, too. Whether by using your courage, practicing your patience, speaking out against the R-word, or speaking up for others, each empathetic act honors Eric and everyone living with neurological and physical disabilities.

Through your acts, yet another powerful lesson from Eric emerges: Some of us can move humanity forward without ever taking a single step or speaking one word.

Stephanie Sarazin is a writer, researcher, and grief educator. She is an avid reader, and recreational runner, and lives in North Carolina where she enjoys hiking and time outdoors. Her book Soulbroken: A Guidebook for Your Journey Through Ambiguous Grief is the 2023 Nautilus Book Award Gold Winner for Grief & Loss and can be found wherever books are sold.

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College Essay: Finding purpose through my sister

“Your sister has autism.”

I have learned that life is not all about me. I realized that I need to focus on others, especially those who are most in need, like my sister.

Those four words changed my life.

In the fall of 2015, my parents, my two sisters and I gathered around our kitchen table. My sisters looked perplexed. My mother’s lips were trembling. She struggled to say the words. After, there was silence. Salty drops were running down my cheeks. The words that my mother spoke went through me like a bullet. I still hear those words every day. Now, though, they give me purpose, whereas before they left me devastated.

During the last 18 months, my love for my 12-year-old sister Magdaleny has grown stronger and stronger. I have learned that life is not all about me. I realized that I need to focus on others, especially those who are most in need, like my sister. I knew that it was not going to be an easy task, but I was determined to support her.

Opportunity found me quickly. One day, in a public library in Bloomington, the librarian finished asking me for the personal information needed to get a library card. Then he asked my sister for the same basic information. She stayed quiet when the librarian asked her date of birth. She didn’t say a word; she panicked. That’s when I knew that I had to step in and say, “June 22, 2004.”

The librarian said, “Thank you,” and gave me a confused smile. When I looked at Magdaleny, she seemed to be embarrassed, staring at her hands and not making eye contact with the librarian or me. My heart dropped. My sister did not know what she had or how her disability affected her, but I was there to help her with her communication skills and behavior.

I’m still helping her today.

I work with her interests and talents, focusing on what she can do rather than what she can’t. Her behavior at home can be hard to handle. She often acts like a toddler, demanding to be in control. During these times, I help her understand that “no” is an OK answer, and that there is no need to be frustrated. It’s tough, but I won’t give up. I believe God meant my autistic sister to be a way for me to learn my purpose in life. I know God allowed me to open my heart and understand that my mission is to serve others.

Importantly, that mission includes the poor. When I was growing up in Mexico, there wasn’t enough money for food and housing, and certainly not enough for the medical care my sisters and I needed. My father had to leave the family and go to the United States to earn money for our care. That’s when I realized that there’s no health care if you’re poor.

These two life experiences, my sister’s autism and growing up poor, have inspired me to become a pediatrician. I want to support families, especially those with infants and those who can’t afford medical care. I want to bring hope to families in developing countries. My dreams will bring challenges, and it won’t be easy. But courage, faith and knowledge are the values that will keep me going. I have Magdaleny to thank for that.

ThreeSixty Journalism,

a nonprofit program of the College of Arts and Sciences at the University of St. Thomas, uses the principles of strong writing and reporting to help diverse Minnesota youth tell the stories of their lives and communities.

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Growing Up Alongside a Sibling With a Disability

When children help with the education of a brother or sister with special needs, the outcomes are often good for both.

By Keren Landman

Not long after my mother learned that my brother, David, was autistic, she began what she called “little school”: sessions in which she taught him to draw faces, cut with scissors, read and cook. He was 4, I was 2. I recently asked her how she balanced David’s needs with mine. “You were the teacher’s assistant,” she said. “I was trying to make you feel important.”

It was the 1970s, and researchers considered siblings of children with disabilities as a sort of disadvantaged population. Since then, a body of research suggests that when children help with the education of a brother or sister with a disability, the outcomes are often good for both — and my mom was way ahead of the curve. She believed she could help David and lift me up, too. There wasn’t a lot of guidance at the time, so Mom hired an education specialist and talked to David’s teachers and school psychologist.

More recently, researchers have viewed families with special-needs children through a more positive, less stigmatizing lens , said Meghan Burke, Ph.D., an associate professor of special education at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. This modern framework acknowledges the strengths children may gain from having a sibling with a disability, including enhanced adaptability, empathy and tolerance, said Burke.

However, several studies have suggested these siblings also have higher rates of anxiety, depression and difficulty with peers. Low income families are especially vulnerable because they have less access to resources.

What is clear, Dr. Burke said, is that siblings of children with special needs have needs, too — and parents can do a lot to meet those needs with the help of a few strategies and resources.

Share information

“The first thing is to recognize that the sibling experience parallels the parents’ experience,” said Emily Holl, director of the Sibling Support Project, a national program that works with siblings of people with disabilities. Like adults, children desperately want information about their siblings’ health, but they’re often excluded from the conversations parents have with doctors, social workers and therapists.

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The Emotional Impact of Disability on Siblings

Growing up, siblings play crucial roles in each others’ lives. Amidst the good times and hard times, siblings are essentially built-in best friends. Having a brother or sister is a lifelong journey.

That journey becomes a bit more intense when your sibling has a disability. There are unique hurdles that come with living in a household with an individual with special needs. This experience is more common than most people think. Among the 6 million people in the United States that have disabilities, most of them have at least one sibling . Let us explore the emotional impact, both positive and negative, of disability on siblings.

4 Common Struggles for Siblings of Individuals with Disabilities

Anxiety: When a child shares a household with an individual who may exhibit frequent behavioral issues, it can be disruptive to their sense of peace or security. These siblings are likely to experience nervousness or anxiety in response to the stress that occurs in their home.
Resentment: It’s natural for children to feel frustrated when their sibling gets more attention than them. When a child with special needs becomes the center of the parents’ attention, their sibling may develop feelings of resentment.
Isolation: Without a proper support system, siblings of individuals with disabilities can feel very alone. They may even feel isolated from their peers or neglected by their parents.
Pressure: Some siblings feel pressured to achieve in academics or sports to gain attention from their parents. They also may feel pressured to act like ‘assistant parents’ and be a constant support system for their sibling.

5 Benefits of Having a Sibling with a Disability

Compassion: Growing up beside a brother or sister with a disability allows one to learn patience and understanding from a very young age. The compassion they hold for their sibling carries into their day to day life.
Independence: Oftentimes, when a child gets less attention, help, or resources from their parents due to their sibling having a disability, they learn to be more responsible on their own. Children who don’t rely on their parents learn to trust their own strengths, intuition, and resilience.
Leadership: A sibling of a child with special needs often takes on more responsibilities than their peers. When attempting to be a good role model for their sibling, there tends to be a lot of opportunities to exercise leadership skills—an extremely valuable asset in life.
Maturity: Siblings serve as advocates for their brother or sister. Many members of society have preconceived notions of people with disabilities, and their siblings can be the voice that stands up for them. Advocating for and protecting the misunderstood takes a lot of maturity.
Patience: Living with siblings takes a lot of patience for everyone. When your sibling has a disability, it can be even more difficult to navigate proper communication skills when issues arise. Kids who grow up with a sibling with special needs learn that patience is a virtue.

The Emotional Impact

Having a sibling with a disability is truly a lifelong emotional journey. Like every family relationship, there are many ups and downs. But at the end of the day, these unique struggles are what teach siblings valuable life lessons. Harriet Redman, founder of WisconSibs , states, “99% of the siblings of individuals with disabilities I talk to would say that they wouldn’t be the person they are without their sibling.”

With that being said, siblings who do not have disabilities also need support. In order to cope with the common struggles such as anxiety or resentment, connecting with other siblings who share the same concerns can be very beneficial. Support groups allow them to relate to one another, confide in each other, and grow with confidence in themselves to set a positive example for their sibling.

Most importantly, family members must all participate in open communication. Special needs families experience great obstacles, extensive planning, and no shortage of stress on an everyday basis. There’s nothing more valuable than having the entire family on the same page. When times are tough, communication is key!

Covey Cares: Round-the-clock Respite for Your Sibling

Located in the Greater Fox Valley of Wisconsin, Covey is a nonprofit organization devoted to creating opportunities that foster personal growth for adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Through respite care, customized skill-building, and community engagement programs, Covey is a special place where participants, their families, and the community learn to uplift and empower one another.

A large part of being a sibling to someone with a disability is serving as a caregiver. Caring for a loved one is more than a full-time job; it’s your entire life. Through Covey’s Respite Care Services , families are given the opportunity to relax, recharge, and renew their ability to nurture.

Each Covey participant receives customized care, because we pride ourselves on understanding the interests, comfort levels, and goals of each participant. You and your family are your sibling’s strongest support system. Let Covey be yours.

For more information, visit covey.org .

Healthy Relationships – Love on the Spectrum

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My Life With a Sibling With a Disability

Sabrina’s brother Max is one of the more than 61 million adults in the U.S. living with a disability. Here’s what she wants you to know about life with her brother.

Yasmeen Anderson Photography

When you’re a younger sibling, it’s pretty common for your older sibling to look after you. In my situation, it’s usually the reverse. One of my early memories is of being on a family vacation when I was 7 years old and my brother Max was 9. Max and I were at the kids’ club, and he wanted to meet some of the boys his age.

But I had to introduce him because he couldn’t speak clearly enough to do it himself. That’s because Max has a condition called cerebral palsy (CP). Over the years, there have been many situations where I’ve had to speak up for Max. Now it’s second nature to me.

My name is Sabrina, and I have a brother with special needs. I’m 17, and Max is 19. (I also have a 6-year-old brother, Ben, who doesn’t have a disability.) Having a brother with a disability means some parts of our relationship are unique. But mostly our lives are pretty normal. Want to know more about life with Max? Read on.

Max, Sabrina, and their little brother, Ben, share a laugh.

Just Like Other Kids

When Max was born, he had an injury to his brain that caused CP. Many people with CP have a hard time controlling the movements of their muscles. Max can walk and run, but he can’t climb or jump. His speech can also be hard to understand at times. Even with these challenges, Max is happy with who he is.

Growing up, my parents always reminded me that Max was just like any other kid, even if he walked differently or sounded different. They explained that he still loved to have fun, eat chocolate ice cream, and hang out with his family—just like I do.

Max loves spending time with his siblings and parents.

Extra Attention

When we were younger, Max took up a lot of my parents’ attention. Sometimes I felt invisible. My mom would reassure me that I was equally important. I believed her, but I did get jealous.

For example, when I was 3, my mom started writing a blog about my brother called Love That Max . When I was 9, I created my own blog called Love That Sabrina . Talk about sibling rivalry! My mom didn’t mind—in fact, she encouraged it, because she never wanted me to feel left out.

Friends and Strangers

Felicia Oliveira

I’ve never been shy about talking about Max and his disability. In elementary school, I was known as “the girl with the special needs brother.” Sometimes it made me feel special that Max was my brother, and other times it felt kind of weird that people knew me by my brother’s disability.

I don’t talk about Max’s disability with my friends very much. Mostly it’s just an accepted part of my life, and my friends are very understanding. I used to have a friend who would get scared of him whenever she came over, but the rest of my friends are really sweet to him. They all love him. One friend even got her nails done with him.

Strangers are a different story. By now I’m used to little kids staring at us when we’re in public. Once we were at the library and some girls said, “Why is he speaking gibberish?” I explained that’s just the way he talks. I feel like I have an obligation to stick up for him because I’d hate for him to be hurt by someone else’s ignorance.

Working Toward Independence

I help Max with a lot of little things each day, like getting dressed in the mornings, picking up something he’s dropped, or even helping him get on his special adaptive bike. Sometimes I get a little sad seeing him try to do something that someone else could do easily, like cutting a piece of paper. I want to help. But I also know that he has to learn to be independent and can’t depend on other people for help with everything.

Max has worked really hard on things most of us take for granted, like being able to speak clearly. He’s worked with a speech therapist and made a lot of progress. Now, if we’re out for dinner, he can tell the waiter what everyone wants, and the waiter can usually make out what he says with a little help from us. He’ll even say “You’re late!” if I’m running behind in the morning. I feel I’ve developed a new mentality because of him—to not give up on something you’re working hard for.

Sibling Time

Max and I have a very close relationship. We love to try new ice cream places and take walks. Like all siblings, we also fight sometimes. Usually it’s about who gets the TV remote or where we’ll go out to eat—pretty typical stuff.

When I wanted a car, I explained to my parents that they’d be getting a car for me and Max since he’ll never be able to drive. It worked! I got the car, and now I often drive him places.

Lessons From Max

Max has taught me to be less self-conscious. He can laugh at himself, which we all should be able to do. He’s also helped me be more tolerant of others who are having a hard time since I’ve seen him struggle. Because of Max, I have a broader perspective of what’s “normal” in the world. I try to appreciate others for who they are as people and not define them by their differences.

In the future, I hope to have a job where I can help people with CP or who have similar mobility challenges. Having Max as my older brother has taught me so much and added so much to my life. I’d love to be able to give something back to him and others like him someday!

MAX AND SABRINA’S DO’S AND DON’TS

for talking to someone with a disability

Shutterstock.com

DO be your natural self. Even if some people look or sound different than other people, they’re still people—not aliens.

DON’T ask questions as if the person isn’t there. Want to know what someone’s name is or how old they are? Ask the person directly.

DO have patience. When Max is out, he uses his Apple Watch to spell words for people since his speech can be tricky to understand. At school, he uses an iPad with a speech app. It can take a little longer to have a conversation with him, but it’s worth it!

Disability Facts vs. Myths

There are many misconceptions about people with disabilities. can you separate the truths from the myths.

Fact or myth? Disabilities are always genetic.

Myth! Many disabilities occur as a result of genetic mutations that people inherit from their parents. But illnesses and accidents can also cause brain or limb injuries that result in disabilities.

Fact or myth? People with disabilities can live independently.

Fact! While some people with disabilities require full-time care, many other people with disabilities live on their own.

Fact or myth? You can tell whether or not someone has a disability just by looking at them.

Myth! Some disabilities are noticeable. Other disabilities aren’t. You should never assume someone does or doesn’t have a disability based on what the person looks like.

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Opinion: Living with a sibling with special needs

Credit: Caterina Tomassini

WSPN’s Caterina Tomassini with her older brother Michael. Michael has autism and epilepsy and is nonverbal.

Caterina Tomassini June 14, 2018

For most people, having a sibling means fighting over the TV remote, having someone to play outside with and sharing endless inside jokes. But not for me. For me, my sibling is someone I watch over, learn from and share unique moments with.

My brother, Michael, is 18 and has special needs. He has autism and epilepsy, and he is nonverbal, meaning that he cannot talk. Although we never fight and we never got to play outside together as kids, we have our own ways to communicate and have fun.

Sometimes I grow frustrated when Michael starts a new self-stimulatory behavior — also known as a stim — which often includes repetition of physical movements, words or sounds. He repeatedly blows raspberries all day, which drives me up a wall. And when I say all day, I mean all day ! It’s hard to not be angry at him, but I know that he can’t help it, so I have to refrain from yelling at him.

Try putting yourself in my shoes. I have no idea what it’s like to have a typical sibling, just like you probably can’t imagine what it’s like to have a sibling with special needs. You probably can’t see yourself pushing your brother’s or sister’s wheelchair in the store just like I can’t imagine asking Michael to pass the salad at dinner.

Even though there are some aspects of having a sibling with special needs that are hard, there are surely a whole bunch of great things.

I get to experience some pretty unique things that siblings of typical kids don’t get to experience. How many people get to go to physical or occupational therapy with their sibling and play with fun equipment like swings and bouncy yoga balls? Or how about this: I get to learn new signs in sign language like ‘eat’ or ‘bathroom’ to better communicate.

We’ve had dozens of Patient Care Assistants, or PCAs, come to our house to help Michael with everyday activities, so I’ve made friends with truly interesting and different people. We also get to attend events for other kids with special needs and their families, where I’m exposed to a variety of different kids who ranging from being mildly autistic to having severe cerebral palsy. And do you know what’s really fun? The fact that when we go to Canobie Lake Park, we get to cut all the lines because Michael is in a wheelchair.

But besides all of the fun aspects, I’ve learned important life lessons.

My brother requires extra attention on a daily basis, which has helped me learn patience. Michael doesn’t attend a public school. Instead, he goes to a school that specializes in kids with disabilities. At his school, they don’t learn math equations or write essays. That has helped me understand other kids at WHS who can’t comprehend school concepts as easily as others.

Many people don’t understand why some kids are in wheelchairs, and they make fun of serious medical terms such as seizures. Instead of being angry at the people who make those terribly rude comments, I understand and accept that those people don’t have the same kind of exposure and understanding that I do. When I hear people make those comments, I like to (nicely) educate them on the topic and explain that it’s not a funny joke.

In case you didn’t notice, at the beginning of this article, I said that my brother has special needs. I didn’t say that he is disabled. The reason for this is simple: my brother is very much ‘abled.’ He may not be capable of getting dressed on his own or getting a driver’s license, but he is more than capable of putting a smile on the face of anybody he meets.

So, if you are going to take one thing away from this article, I ask that it be this: do not use the word “retarded” under any circumstances. This word is one that I wish I could eliminate from people’s vocabulary. This word hurts not only me and all the people who are lucky enough to have a person with special needs in their life but also all the people out there who have special needs.

The last thing that I ask is that you don’t take being able to do everyday activities for granted. Take some time to appreciate how fortunate you are that you can brush your own teeth, play a sport and simply use your voice. Try to think of all the kids out there who spend endless hours in the hospital receiving medical treatment and how lucky you are that that’s not you. Next time you see a person with special needs, think about all that I’ve said. Maybe you could even take some time to make a friend with people who have special needs; it would make their day and probably yours, too.

Opinion articles written by staff members represent their personal views. The opinions expressed do not necessarily represent WSPN as a publication.

Your donation will support the student journalists of Wayland High School. Your contribution will allow us to purchase equipment, cover our annual website hosting costs and sponsor admission and traveling costs for the annual JEA journalism convention.

Caterina Tomassini, class of 2021, is a fourth year journalism student and is the managing editor this year. Outside of journalism, Tomassini plays club...

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The end of a journey: Seniors finish their last season of high school sports

Sports brief: Playoff quick hits

“As the last few games are coming up and playoffs are about to start its kinda hitting me that these are the last few lacrosse games I am going to play in high school and with my sister,” captain senior Lily Mele said.

Girls varsity lacrosse: A pursuit for playoff victory

Breaking Down Breaking News: Hurricane Lee

ICYMI: Week of Sept. 4 – top 10 tips for the school year, fall sports preview and the “Barbie” movie

On July. 19, 2021 Junior Ben Dugan set sail on a 10 month sailing trip with his parents through the Atlantic ocean causing him to miss the entirety of his sophomore year.

Ben Dugan: 317 days at sea

On Thursday, Jan. 12 The art department will be hosting a winter art exhibition at 7 p.m with a performance from the orchestra following 30 minutes after.

News Brief: Art exhibition and orchestra concert

Dancer and teacher Pallavi Nagesha dances across the stage. As Nagesha teaches other and continues to grow herself, she hopes to expand the connection she has with Bharatnatyam. “Dance is a very personal experience, so each of the dancers has to get from it what they want, and I think the mind-body-soul connection is what I crave and I work towards,” Nagesha says.

Pallavi Nagesha: Spreading Indian culture through Bharatanatyam

On Dec. 14, Wayland School Committee held a meeting. During this meeting, acting science department head and wellness teacher John Berry gave a public comment, and School Committee member Jess Polizzotti shared student statements and a combined parent statement about mistreatment and bullying of a teacher by another teacher.

Wayland teacher rep, School Committee member offer contrasting statements

Senior Grace Stephenson as a ghoul-scout when she was in elementary school. Stephenson has always loved Halloween and creating homemade costumes. I like the spooky season, Stephenson said. I think my mom and I get competitive about it. Not against each other, but we want to make a good costume. We want to be the best.

Grace Stephenson: “We want to make a good costume. We want it to be the best.”

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Inspired • Jun 14, 2018 at 5:55 PM

Amazing article Caterina!!

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Autism Through A Different Lens: A Sibling’s Perspective

A family’s autism journey.

In my profession, I often write articles from a parent’s perspective about having a 17-year-old daughter (Annie) with severe autism, and intellectual and developmental disabilities. My overarching goal, with these stories, is to provide compassion, understanding and hope to families, caregivers and professionals who may be in a similar situation.

For the past 15 years, I’ve made it my mission to understand Annie’s diagnosis, and provide her with a secure, happy and fulfilling future. Learning how to advocate not only for Annie, but for all individuals diagnosed with autism, has aided in this mission. Becoming educated on the topic of autism also has been somewhat cathartic, as it allows me to feel as though I’m doing something to help Annie.

For Annie – and countless others living with cognitive differences – there is no known cause or cure, or predictable therapy or treatment regime guaranteed to ensure maximum impact. These truths can be extremely overwhelming for any parent or individual. These truths, however, also can be eye-opening.

My 18-year-old son, Danny, recently shared an essay about his personal journey with his sister – from a sibling’s perspective. It was similar to my own journey, yet uniquely different, and it could not go unseen (I did get his permission to reprint!)

“ Haircut .” “ Yes, Annie, you will have a haircut on Tuesday. ” “ Haircut .” “ Yes, Annie, I know .” “ Haircut … Haircut .”

Now, imagine this conversation continuing for four hours straight, while working on a crucial school assignment. All my life, I have lived with my sister, Annie, who has autism. Autism is a developmental disorder that affects the social interactions and communication of an individual. She means the world to me and is one of my biggest inspirations. Although I feel this way, the rest of society doesn’t understand her in the way I do. Her disorder isn’t apparent in how she looks, but in how she acts. She struggles to communicate and gets very frustrated.

I am a firm believer that something positive comes out of every situation. Annie’s autism has served as a catalyst to change my own outlook on life. She has changed me as a person, shaped who I am, and instilled three core values I hold above all else.

The first value is patience .

Every time I get frustrated with Annie, I imagine the struggle she undergoes, every day, that is infinitely harder than what I am going through. Annie has anxiety, so she repeats the same phrases, such as getting a haircut, over and over again because she needs to have a set schedule she follows every day. From this, I have learned to be patient with others, and become less frustrated in the real world.

The second value is perseverance in helping others.

I am committed to helping my community, and helping make people aware of people like Annie. This led me to volunteer in my community with organizations that help families with autism because I understand the difficulties families undergo in transitioning to living with a child diagnosed with autism. I also began volunteering with local political candidates in my area because political decisions play a major role in how children with disabilities are treated. I want Annie, and others with disabilities, to be treated with care.

The final and most important value is kindness.

Interacting with Annie has taught me to be kind to others. There are a lot of people in society who do not understand Annie, and tease people who have this disorder. As a result, I have learned to show, and treat others with the respect I would want to see my sister treated. Without Annie in my life, I could have been just like those other people in society who do not understand, but she has allowed me to see people through a different lens, and respect them for who they are as people. Every person should be kind, yet there are times when people are not kind to Annie, which disheartens me.

I care about Annie more than I care about anything else in the world. Not just because she is my sister, but because she created my compassionate personality. While I used to wish she didn’t have autism, I have used this to change the way I interact with others. Annie’s influence spreads into every aspect of my life, and she has given me the inspiration to make an impact in the world around me.

As a mother, and a professional in the special needs field, this essay reminded me that siblings experience the same feelings and issues that caregivers and parents do.

And to Danny, thank you for this wonderful essay about your sister. Annie is so lucky to have you and Ryan as her brothers. You make me so proud, and my heart so warm.

Author, Danny Kelly

Danny Kelly is a senior in high school and sister to Annie Kelly, who was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism, verbal apraxia, intellectual and developmental disabilities and general anxiety disorder. Danny is actively involved in his school’s Debate Club and Future Business Leaders of America, and participates in several volunteer activities within his community.

Author, Amy Kelly

Amy Kelly, MBA, MNM, is the mother to Danny, Annie and Ryan. Annie is diagnosed with moderate to severe autism, verbal apraxia, intellectual and developmental disabilities and general anxiety disorder. Amy is the National Director of Family Engagement for Devereux Advanced Behavioral Health , one of the nation’s oldest and largest nonprofit providers of behavioral healthcare, and serves as a family representative on several special needs boards in the community, locally and nationally. In addition, she participates with other patients and families in efforts supported by the American Board of Pediatrics Foundation and the Autism Speaks Autism Treatment Network to address children with special needs and the importance of quality care.

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This is so beautiful and so very glad you shared this for the world to see and know that just because you are Autistic you still have feelings and need love .

Thank you for sharing I have two young boys one with similar diagnosis to Annie, this reminded me how lucky our family is. Beautiful words Danny! What an inspirational essay, you’re going to make a difference in many peoples lives 💕👏

July 30, 2012

College essay: a sister's love for her brother with autism.

4 comments:

this is SO beautiful and so encouraging to me! thanks for sharing. lovely children, merrill! xo

Thanks, Hannah!

Just met you from your leaving me a comment on FB (we both have Justin's with Autism) and now I am pouring over your blog and came to this post. My Justin has 3 siblings, but for a long time it was just he and my daughter (22 months younger) and everything your daughter stated rings so true with my daughter. People will say to me, "Poor little miss, I bet her life is so hard with Justin." And it baffles my mind because all the challenges have shaped her into one of the most compassionate 7 year olds I have ever met!! She's always had a special touch with Justin and your daughters words about learning patience and advocacy are precisely what I've seen as a blessing for my daughter--I've just never seen it written so beautifully before!! Thank you for sharing her letter. My daughter will love reading this someday--I'm going to print it off and save it for her:) Shannon@SewSweetCottage

Thank you, Shannon. I hope that your daughter grows up to feel the same way about her brother. It isn't easy, but it sure is rewarding. ♥

EXPERT PERSPECTIVES: A Sibling Story – Growing Up Alongside Autism

Written By: Jennifer Cummings , MA, LBA, BCBA Vice President of Clinical Operations, BHW

“Expert Perspectives” is a collection of writings featuring thoughts and insights from valued members of the BHW team. We are grateful for Jennifer’s unique perspective on this topic, and we hope that you will gain a better understanding of what it’s like to be a sibling of someone with special needs.

Siblings of autistic children and adults are unique! We like to “hang around” – sometimes we might spy on ABA sessions, insist on joining a particular activity or tell you how exactly you should handle this new ( to you ) behavior. Other times we want absolutely nothing to do with therapists, our sibling, or whatever is being taught. Sometimes we want to be the center of your attention and, as a result, we act out.

What the Future Looks Like

As we get older, we may withdraw from our sibling but we might also get overly involved. We are likely to join helping professions for work as adults. Studies suggest we have more empathy than other types of siblings (Pilowsky et al., 2004).

We worry about what caregiving will look like after our parent(s) die and we tend to create an adult life that can quickly accommodate our sibling(s) when this happens. We establish careers earlier than our peers without siblings because we know we’ll eventually be financially responsible for our sibling(s) (Meyer & Holl, 2014). If we do decide to have children, we have them later (again, financial stability).

Sister siblings are more likely to get married later than sisters of those without disabilities, but our divorce rates are lower (again, sisters only- brothers showed no difference in divorce rates).

We’re pickier when choosing partners and there is likely a “litmus test” phase in our relationships where we expose our partner to our crazy little life and see how they manage and we don’t take anyone too seriously until they pass that test (Meyer & Holl, 2014).

Other variables impacting our success are socioeconomic status, severity of problem behavior of our sibling, whether our sibling got ABA, and family size (Meadan et al. 2009). Interestingly, despite family size, there is typically one sibling who takes on more of the caregiving responsibility than the others in the family.

But…We Want to Help! Let’s Find Balance

Our parents have more important things to deal with. Or at least that’s what we tell ourselves growing up and explains why we try to “need” as little as possible from them. Siblings like us take on caregiving tasks very early on, because we see all that our parents are going through. Parents are often so overwhelmed, they don’t resist our help. And, while it may seem nice to have a mini-parent around to help with the sibling, this can take a significant toll on us. Barak et al. (2010) asked parents of siblings and then the siblings themselves to define the attributes of helpfulness and responsibility.

While parents of siblings described these as the positive attributes of their child without a disability, the siblings reported these personal attributes were the main source of their distress. The study recommends that parents:

encourage and facilitate counseling for siblings
lower assistance expectations in the home whenever possible
facilitate sibling participation in extracurricular activities unrelated to their sibling with a disability, as siblings tend to have less opportunity to participate in independent events (e.g., sports, arts, etc.).

It’s Nice to Know Other Siblings

I didn’t know a single other sibling of someone with a disability growing up. It was my quirky little secret for a long time until…it wasn’t. A high school classmate of mine was an advocate for her peers with disabilities (she wasn’t a sibling…she was just awesome?) and started up a Best Buddies Ⓡ chapter at my high school and there were a few other siblings involved as well as a lot of other, generally wonderful people. I quickly became part of the leadership of the chapter and, pretty soon, everyone knew I had siblings with disabilities.

I hosted recruiting events at school and held meetings with my high school’s administration to question and eventually dismantle their practice of “volunteering” the special education students to pick up the trash left by their peers during lunch (Can you believe??). I think my essay about being a sibling got me into one of my top picks for college. All of a sudden, I was proud to be a sibling. But, had it not been for the small, but influential community I had found in Best Buddies Ⓡ , I think I would have kept it quiet for much longer.

In college, the Best Buddies Ⓡ chapter left a lot to be desired so I took a break. Right after college, I made fast friends with someone who was not only a sibling like me but also had a sibling with the exact same dual diagnosis as one of my siblings (a very unique one)! We almost didn’t need to share details about what our lives were like growing up – every time one shared an anecdote, the other would immediately concur- it was the exact same for them. I started getting familiar with the Sibling Support Project and their SibShops efforts and was reminded of just how important it was for me to be surrounded by people that share in the unique experience of being this kind of sibling.

Here’s What You Can Do

When parents ask me what they can do to support siblings, I encourage them to:

create something unique between them and that child – it should have nothing to do with disability and it shouldn’t involve their sibling in any way- it’s just something special between parent(s) and child. It can be short and sweet and it goes a long way.
get the sib involved with SibShops- even if it’s just reading their books (the books geared toward parents and the books geared toward the sib) as they provide such great tips.
provide the sibling with information (Meyer & Holl, 2014). Information about their sibling’s disability, information about the family’s plan for the future and the role the sibling will play in that plan. We should have a say, no matter how small. We are often left in the dark as young siblings and it’s probably because our parents don’t want us to worry but doing so often has the opposite of the intended effect. We know we are going to take care of our sibling(s) in some way so you might as well give us age-appropriate information and choices.

When clinicians ask me how they can support siblings, I give them all of the information above but also encourage them to include the sibling in their in-home sessions – that is, if they express interest in being involved. We have a ton of great insight and have been managing our sibling’s behaviors, often on our own, for a long time. We could use the help and we could probably help you!

If we don’t express interest, it still goes a long way for practitioners to acknowledge the uniqueness of our situation in some small way or for you to teach our sibling a skill that provides access to a mutually enjoyable activity. Most of us sibs have spent the majority of our lives catering to the ever-changing needs and preferences of our sib, just to keep the peace.

One time, a tutor working with my brother showed me that he had a small interest in the beach and surfing. That was all it took for my sister and I to go all in with surfing lessons for my brother. Surfers Healing provides surf lessons for autistic kids and adults and was so much fun for us- it was the first time that we could involve our brother in an interest of our own. Seems small but it was mighty.

Our brother actually had a hard time at first. The feedback from his first surf lesson was that he was “wiggly” and wouldn’t stay on the board. But, eventually, all he wanted to do was be in the water. He’s not a surf pro by any means but the beach is still something that he and I can share that incorporates both of our identities.

In Conclusion

There’s so much more that is great(!) about being a sibling but I want everyone to know that there’s so much that’s difficult and never gets talked about. The stress of having a sibling with a disability simply cannot be overlooked. I’ll leave you with an anecdote from a training I attended with Emily Holl of SibShops that really resonated with me as it showed the great power these relationships can hold, the dedication and sacrifice we feel is necessary, and also the great love we have as siblings.

Source: Sibling Support Project

Meaden, H., Stoner, J.B., & Angell, M.E. (2010). Review of literature related to ehs social,

emotional, and behavioral adjustment of siblings of individuals with autism spectrum

disorder. Journal of Developmental and Physical Disabilities, 22, 83-100.

Meyer, D., & Holl, E. (2014). The sibling survival guide: Indispensable information for brothers

and sisters of adults with disabilities. Woodbine House.

Orsmond, G.I., & Seltzer, M.M. (2009). Adolescent siblings of individuals with an autism

spectrum disorder: Testing a diathesis-stress model of sibling well-being. Journal of

Autism & Developmental Disorders, 39 , 1053-1065.

Pilowsky, T., Yirmiya, N., Doppelt, O., Gross-Tsur, V., & Shalev, R.S. (2004). Social and

emotional adjustment of siblings of children with autism. Journal of Child Psychology,

45 (4), 855-865.

Ross, P., & Cuskelly, M. (2006). Adjustment, sibling problems, and coping strategies for brothers

and sisters of children with autistic spectrum disorder. Journal of Intellectual &

Developmental Disability, 31 (2), 77-86.

Verte, S., Roeyers, H., & Buysse, A. (2003). Behavioural problems, social competence and

self-concept in siblings of children with autism. Child: Care, Health & Development,

29 (3), 193-205.

Behavioral Health Awareness
BHW Culture
Clinical Corner
Inspirational

National Sibling Stories

Why are siblings of individuals with disabilities important.

Siblings often have the longest-lasting familial relationships.
Many of the estimated 6.5 million individuals with developmental disabilities (I/DD) in the United States have brothers and sisters.
Siblings often become the next generation of caregivers when parents are unable to provide care. Frequently, the oldest female sibling becomes the caregiver.
Most siblings anticipate fulfilling greater supportive and caregiving roles.
The peer nature of the relationship makes siblings uniquely positioned to support their brothers and sisters with disabilities to lead self-determined lives. This support can include many areas such as employment, voting, transportation, relationships and sexuality, healthcare, housing supports, and more.
Even though siblings have unique roles and are likely future caregivers, the needs and perspectives of siblings are often overlooked. By addressing the needs of siblings, their brothers and sisters with disabilities will have better outcomes.
Adult siblings are called the “club sandwich generation” because they often juggle the caregiving of their aging parents, their own children, as well as their brothers and sisters with disabilities.
While support programs and services have been developed for individuals with I/DD and their parents, supports for siblings have been limited.
There is a specific need for information on future planning. Future planning programs should include both the siblings with and without disabilities in the entire process.

Please download this Sibling Day Fact Sheet ( En Español ) to learn more about the important role of siblings and feel free to share it with friends and colleagues. Find out more about the annual National Siblings Day here!

SIBLING STORIES FROM OUR NETWORK

From Meghan Burke, SLN Research Committee Co-Chair and Assistant Professor of Special Education at University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign
A Self-Advocate’s Perspective
MASTER WOODY by Ann Talman
Kaitlin’s Sibling Story for Down Syndrome Awareness Month 2020
Mental Health Crossroads Podcast Interview with SLN’s Emma Shouse Garton
Siblings: In Different Boats, Weathering the Same Storm Together

FROM OUR YOUTUBE CHANNEL

SLN INTERNATIONAL SIBLING STORIES

Summer 2020
Winter 2020/2021

Emotional Problems Facing Siblings of Children With Disabilities

According to a 2011 report of the US Census Bureau, 2.8 million children have a disability, defined as an impairment in visual, auditory, cognitive, and ambulatory domains, as well as self-care or independent living. 1,2 A significant proportion of these children have at least 1 sibling. But despite these overwhelming numbers, the needs of siblings are frequently neglected.

“Parents are offered services to assist with their special needs child, be it physical or mental health or developmental needs. These services are not routinely offered to siblings. But all the clinical research suggests that siblings have the same issues as parents, plus issues that are uniquely theirs,” said Don Meyer, director of the Sibling Support Project and founder of the SEFAM (Supporting Extended Family Members) program at the University of Washington, Seattle.

“Siblings are too important to ignore because no one logs more hours and minutes with special needs children than their brothers and sisters, with the exception of the parents, usually the mother,” he emphasized.

Moreover, siblings will be in the lives of the disabled family member longer than anyone, including service providers and parents, a relationship often in excess of 65 or 70 years, he told Psychiatry Advisor .

In the Dark

Siblings are often “kept in the dark about what is going on with their disabled brother or sister,” said Avidan Milevsky, PhD, associate professor of psychology, Ariel University, Israel.

“Our research shows that parents do not want to burden their well child with the struggles that affect the disabled sibling,” he told Psychiatry Advisor . “Additionally, cultural, parenting, or family patterns of secrecy prevent siblings from being included.” Although the siblings know that there is something wrong, they are “left in the waiting room, wondering what is going on with their brother or sister.”

“Because children have wild imaginations, in the absence of accurate information, they imagine that the situation is worse than it actually is,” said Dr Milevsky, who is also associate professor, Department of Psychology, Kutztown University of Pennsylvania. So “it is important for parents to clue children in and keep them updated,” he advised.

Children at Risk

Siblings of disabled children experience an array of stressors and feelings that can increase their risk for significant emotional and behavioral problems and functional impairments. 3,4 For example, they may feel anger or jealousy 5 and may resent if the brother or sister is held to a different set of standards and receives what appears to be preferential treatment. 6 Siblings are often asked to help out with the disabled child or take on extra household chores, potentially increasing resentment. 7 And because children with chronic conditions often require costly services, parents may not have enough money to meet the needs or wants of the well child. 7 Moreover, parents often spend the lion’s share of their time with the disabled child, at the expense of the sibling. 3

“Siblings may feel neglected because much of the parents’ emotional energy is directed toward the child with the disability, leaving little emotional energy for the other children in the family,” Dr Milevsky said.

Meyer encourages parents to spend 1-on-1 time with their well children, which communicates to the sibling that “their parents truly care about them as individuals.” This extra personal time also creates a framework for communication.

Parents should also be encouraged to attend milestone events in the sibling’s life, such as graduations or weddings, and not allow the needs of the child with the disability to overshadow the special occasions of the well sibling, he added.

Mixed Emotions

Siblings of children with disabilities may experience a “wide range of emotions.” 5 Some feel guilty because they wonder if they caused the disability. They may feel guilt about being resentful or frightened about the sibling’s health. Some may experience a “love/hate relationship” with the disabled brother or sister. 6 Some are embarrassed about the behaviors and appearances of their disabled sibling, to the extent that they may claim to be an only child or avoid inviting friends over. 5

Guilt can motivate siblings to hide their own feelings so as not to further burden their parents. Or they may feel the need to “be perfect” to compensate for their sibling’s perceived imperfections or the stress the sibling’s disability is putting on the parents. “They suffer silently,” Dr Milevsky said.

Parents should be encouraged to create a safe forum for children to express their feelings, reassuring them that they are allowed to be themselves and do not have to conform to an image of perfection, experts agree.

Lifespan Issues

The impact of a disabled child on the sibling changes over time. “Young children will have one set of concerns, midlife siblings will have other concerns, and senior citizens will have still other concerns,” Meyer noted.

His organization offers trainings for professionals interested in running community-based workshops for young children. “These ‘Sibshops,’ as we call them, provide siblings with recreation, enjoyable activities, and information, as well as support and validation from other children who understand,” he said.

As children get older , they may worry about the future; for example, will there be enough money for college, or will they need to live at home to help out? 7 And as they start families and careers, they may worry about how to integrate the needs of their disabled sibling into their lives.

Meyers points to another developmental stage that is difficult for sibling caregivers. “One of the most challenged groups is the ‘sandwich generation’ — I call them ‘club sandwiches’ — because they are often caring for their own children, their aging parents, and their special needs sibling,” he said.

Mr Meyers created Sib Teen, Sib20, and SibNet, which are online groups for young and adult siblings of people with disabilities, garnering daily participation from >3000 siblings worldwide. “This is the first time that many people have found a forum for expression, a sense of community, being validated, and feeling supported,” he said.

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Eight things siblings of children with special needs struggle with

Having a sibling with special needs is a reality many children are born into, including my three typically developing children. Of all the things my children experience that I never did, their experience of growing up with a sister with significant disabilities is something I struggle to understand, even as I watch it unfold daily.

The advantages to having a brother or sister with special needs are numerous and include being more empathetic, more responsible and more resilient. However, these typically developing siblings also shoulder tremendous burdens that are not often or easily discussed.

Documentary filmmaker Rachel Feichter has a typically developing 11-year-old and a 7-year-old, Talia, who has special needs as a result of a neurological autoimmune disease, Hashimoto’s encephalitis . Feichter discovered that there is a lack of information regarding the full experience of having a sibling with special needs when she searched for information to help her older daughter. She wanted to better understand the needs of her typically developing daughter, as well as help her daughter connect with other siblings with the same struggles, so Feichter began interviewing siblings of individuals with special needs for her in-progress documentary, which has the working title “Not Typical.”

While every sibling — and every family — is different, Feichter found some common experiences, many of which my children are having.

Feeling like they need to be perfect. Siblings of individuals with special needs know how hard their parents work to ensure all of their sibling’s needs are met, and often see their parents struggle to meet these needs. Many feel like they can’t make mistakes because that would add to their parents’ burden, so they believe they must be perfect at all times. This is an impossible standard to meet, and can lead to stress and feelings of inadequacy. One girl said she felt like she “had to be Ms. Perfect and not have any problems for [her] parents to deal with.” Another said that she felt as though she could never be “enough.”

Feeling like they can’t express their feelings. Most typically developing children love their sibling with special needs. Yet they may also resent how much of their parents’ time is taken up by caring for their sibling or feel embarrassed about their sibling’s behavior. One girl said she “was never allowed to mourn openly or to be mad or sad about [her] brother” and another said her friends thought she was being mean if she said anything bad about her sister, even though friends with typically developing siblings often complain.

Having a different idea of family and home. For most children the concept of family is based in togetherness. But when a sibling has special needs, family quality time may look different. One girl recalled that her mother was “assigned” to her sister with special needs and her father was “assigned” to her. The family often spent time apart, especially when it involved leaving the house. In many families, the sibling with special needs may not be able to attend certain events or go certain places for a variety of reasons, including therapy and medical appointments, physical barriers to access, or sensory issues. In some cases, the presence of caregivers and therapists may redefine what a family home is for children. In my home, for example, our child with special needs is normally fed by a personal care attendant. A therapist is often present at our family meals as well. Nonfamily members are typically also present even during lazy weekends at home. Some siblings said that places outside the home, such as school or a relative’s house, are more of a refuge for them than their home.

Feeling as though their problems are minimized. Sometimes a sibling with special needs has complex and even life-threatening problems. An issue faced by a typically developing sibling, whether it is a problem with a friend or an academic struggle, may seem small compared to having limited mobility, learning difficulties or sensory issues that require intensive care or prevent a child from attending the neighborhood school. One girl said her parents rarely dealt with her problems, instead telling her to be “strong.” Another felt her parents never took her problems seriously because they considered her the “lucky one” for not having a disability.

Feeling isolated. Typically developing siblings may be lonely because they don’t have peers who have siblings with special needs. So they feel different when their friends ask “what’s wrong with your sister?” Some children also feel self-conscious about their sibling with special needs, and aren’t sure when or how to tell their friends about him. Others feel uncomfortable inviting friends over because they are unsure of how their friend or sibling will react.

Dealing with intolerance early and often. Children learn early that there is not universal acceptance for individuals with special needs, and that their sibling is not welcome everywhere that typically developing children are. This can be deeply disappointing to typically developing children who want to have shared experiences with their sibling. They regularly encounter individuals who refuse to move from seats designated for individuals with disabilities, and those who make unkind comments about other accommodations their sister needs. These early lessons in intolerance, and even hate, can affect their world view and make them cynical or resentful of the limitations placed on their sibling and themselves as a result.

Feeling like they are asked to help too much. Some typically developing children are expected to help care for their sibling with special needs from a young age, even if that sibling is older. One girl said that she felt like the “attention police” at home since her mother was constantly telling her that she had to pay attention to her sibling with special needs. Others are expected to push wheelchairs, participate in therapy sessions, or attend to their sibling’s personal care needs by feeding them or helping to get them dressed. Many are told early on that they will be expected to care for their sibling when their parents are no longer able to do so. This puts enormous pressure on them.

Feeling like they must grow up quickly. Because of the sum of their experiences, from feeling as though they are on their own to handle their problems to feeling pressure to be perfect to being given responsibility for their brother or sister, some siblings of children with special needs feel as though they are forced to grow up too quickly.

Most typically developing children love their siblings with special needs beyond measure and are close to them. But to better understand and support them, it’s important to acknowledge their struggles. There is a need for more information about the experience of growing up with a sibling with special needs. While there are a few places the stories of these siblings are told, such as the fictional book “Wonder” by R.J. Palacio , hearing from the siblings themselves in “Not Typical” will help many feel less alone and better understood.

Jamie Davis Smith is a Washington-based mother of four. She can be reached at [email protected] . Follow her on Facebook and Twitter @jamiedavissmith .

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Role Reboot

Life, off script, having a special needs brother does not make me ‘lucky’.

Gina DeMillo Wagner grew up with the heavy weight of responsibility, not only to make up for every one of her special needs brother’s limitations, but to be wholly, completely un-needy.

My brother is and forever will be 5 years old.

I’m not saying he’s immature. Rather, he’s a boy frozen in time. A young brain trapped in a 40-year-old man’s body.

He was born with a genetic abnormality that leads to seizures, hyperphagia (an insatiable appetite), slurred speech, violent behavior, and severe cognitive delays. It wasn’t until his 30’s that this was diagnosed as Prader-Willi Syndrome, a rare intellectual disability caused by a faulty gene, a blip somewhere on chromosome 15. My mother suspects he has other issues as well, symptoms that cannot be wrapped neatly inside a diagnosis. He was born breech, his umbilical cord a noose around his neck. She thinks perhaps he suffered brain damage this way. He was a floppy baby. He didn’t cry.

She named him Alan. A grown-up name. A smart name. My father’s middle name. She wouldn’t ever let anyone call him “Al.”

Alan requires constant supervision. His whole life, he’s never been left alone.

This means that despite my being three years younger, I quickly surpassed him. I became the older sibling. The less fragile one. The “normal” one.

I was the one strangers pointed to as they consoled my mother. At least you have this beautiful, perfect little girl . Back in the ’70s, having a disabled kid was a disease, and I was the antidote. Later, my parents had another typical child, my little brother, but even that didn’t stop their grief. Dashed hopes metastasized into resentment, lies, and rage. Dad moved out by the time I was 5.

I recently visited a friend whose newborn daughter was diagnosed with Down syndrome. Gushing and proud, she placed her gingerly in my cradled arms and draped an oxygen tube over my shoulder so it wouldn’t snag. The first six weeks of life, this baby was one shallow breath away from dying. Intestinal blockages. Fluid in the lungs. A heart defect. Surgeries. Somehow, under the watchful care of neonatal I.C.U. nurses and a mother who fed her drop after precious drop of breast milk around the clock, she pulled through. My friend brought her baby home with oxygen tanks, instruction manuals, and an infant scale to record every ounce she gained. Her fragile body was so peaceful, angelic. Even at two months old, she held my gaze in a way that implored me to love her. And, oh, how I complied. I adored her, marveled at the amount of courage emanating from such a tiny body.

I wondered if this was how my parents had felt about my brother before things came unraveled.

The extra chromosome was unexpected, and to the mother, it appeared more as a question mark. What could she expect day-to-day? When would her baby reach major developmental milestones? Would she reach them? What would life look like for her son, the other child, the typical one?

As much as she craved a crystal ball, my friend knew I couldn’t answer most of those questions. My brother didn’t have Down syndrome. But she desperately hoped I could tell her what it was like to be a sibling to a special needs kid. “Tell me the truth: Is this a gift or a curse?”

I hesitated to respond. Truth is, I grew up with the heavy weight of responsibility, not only to make up for every one of Alan’s limitations, but to be wholly, completely un-needy. If he was the special needs kid, I had to be no needs. And then there were the tantrums, violence, neglect, financial woes, my mother’s all-consuming depression. Do I tell her about that?

I’ve read dozens of articles and blog posts by families of special needs kids, searching for some thread of recognition, something that validates my experience. With varying degrees of transparency, parents gush about the unexpected blessing their child has been, how their patience and love has grown to envelop their son or daughter’s limitations. I’ve wept at the beauty of their stories. I believe them when they say they wouldn’t trade their experience for anything the world. For me, though, and I suspect for many “typical” siblings, that sentiment isn’t always shared.

Siblings, even normal ones, are a lesson in ambivalence. In the best of families they are rivals, competing for finite resources of attention, money, and love from parents. Teasing and resentment are as common as love, pride, adoration, friendship. But when one of the siblings is disabled, the relationship is even more complicated. Growing up, I often felt guilty that I could do things Alan couldn’t—ride a bike, have playdates, play sports, drive, date. And I pitied myself for all the things I couldn’t do because of him. I was embarrassed when he walked in on my first slumber party completely naked. I resented the way adults expected me to protect him and care for him like I was another parent.

I recall being in grade school and a teacher telling me what a lucky little girl I was. “Your brother is special. You are so lucky to have him. He will teach you things that no other brother can.”

Looking back, my adult self knows she was right. I gained valuable insight very young: Humans are imperfect, vulnerable beings. Watching the way people behaved around my brother, I understood there is incredible kindness and unimaginable cruelty in the world. I learned that there’s no such thing as “normal” because we are all so different, each with our own weaknesses and strengths. Thanks to Alan, I did get an extra helping of patience, empathy, diplomacy, maturity, and compassion. I appreciate that. But these were gifts that were forced upon me.

As he grew, Alan became violent. Surges of testosterone overwhelmed his body faster than his mind could comprehend. He punched fast and hard. Sometimes he’d grab my arm and pull it backwards, or pick up the nearest chair and throw it at my head. All our doors were splintered. He pounded holes in the walls and shattered windows. My mother worked multiple jobs to keep us afloat, and I was left to babysit and protect my younger brother from Alan’s rage. She saw the bruises, but her response was typically that he couldn’t help it, or we’d have to work it out ourselves. I now realize she didn’t do anything because she was scared too.

As a child I couldn’t admit it, but my teacher’s words stung. Lucky?! I felt so very unlucky to be my brother’s sister. I felt small and unseen. Any problem I had, when held against the yardstick of my brother’s condition, was less significant. Any abuse I suffered was ignored or rationalized as coming with the special needs territory.

With adulthood came some relief from the violence, but a new set of problems surfaced. By 21, Alan had aged out of public special education programs. How would he spend his days? He couldn’t work. Where would he live? And, looking ahead, who would take care of him when my mother passes away?

In his early 20’s, Alan hopped on the group home merry-go-round. My mother put him on waiting lists—one, three, sometimes six years long. A spot would open up, Alan would move in, and promptly move right back home. He was usually kicked out for violent behavior, but other times my mother withdrew him, citing some failure on the part of the staff to care for him the way she would. The way she will have to until she’s no longer able.

Late one winter night, I received a phone call. Alan had choked, gone into cardiac arrest, and was in the I.C.U struggling to breathe. His heart had stopped and been revived. Twice. The doctors were having trouble treating him because of all the medication he was on—anti-seizure pills, sedatives, antipsychotics—drugs that have coursed through his blood for decades.

Upon hearing the news, I collided head-on with my ambivalence.

I thought about the times I’ve begged my parents (both alive and healthy) to make arrangements for Alan now while they’re fully capable. I’ve explained to them that I’m no more equipped to care for him now than I was when I was 10. I’ve run every possibility through my mind, but none allow me to give him the around-the-clock care he requires. Plus, I have my own children now, and I’d never put them in harm’s way. I’ve lost hours, days, weeks worth of sleep worrying about it. And I have to admit I’ve had a thought. This dreadful, brutal, selfish thought: It would be easier if Alan died first, more merciful somehow. That way he’ll never end up in a state institution, removed from the life he knows, robbed of his dignity.

Do I love my brother? I do, deeply. Do I fantasize about how life would be without him, without the constant dark cloud of worry? Yes, for as long as I can remember.

When I put down the phone, the walls began to sway. I was swimming in sorrow, guilt, fear. Above all, my heart ached. I wanted my brother. I wanted him to live.

I booked plane tickets and took my infant son with me to see him, leaving my daughter at home with my husband. By the time I arrived, Alan was stable, out of I.C.U. and settling in with an oxygen tank—not unlike my friend’s newborn daughter. Alan beamed when he saw me, and I was genuinely thrilled to see him too. We talked about the hospital food (he enjoyed the Jell-o). He showed me the bouquets of flowers he’d received and told me the nurses had let his dog come visit him. He played pat-a-cake with my son. My chest swelled with affection and relief.

For better or for worse, the sibling relationship endures. The truth is, I have no idea what will happen to Alan. The profound love I felt toward him in that moment didn’t cancel out our traumatic childhood; it didn’t erase the abuse and neglect. But neither did the abuse cancel out the love. I realized both could exist simultaneously. For as long as he is with us, I can have an ambivalent relationship with my brother, the way siblings do.

Gina DeMillo Wagner’s writing has appeared in several magazines including Outside, Experience Life, Wired, Backpacker, and Forbes Travel Guide. She authors a parenting blog called The Daily B and is at work on a memoir.

Growing up with a Sibling with Down Syndrome {A Sister’s Perspective}

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This is day 5 of 31 Days of Supporting the Special Needs Family . To view the story behind this series and the series contents, please visit the landing page . Today, I asked a childhood friend, Alyssa, to share her perspective as the sibling of a brother with Down Syndrome . Their story is extra special to me, as her brother, Michael, was one of the first special needs children I ever knew as a little girl. I can guarantee that everything she says about him is 100% true.

My Brother Has Down Syndrome, But I’d Have It No Other Way

Growing up with a Sibling with Down Syndrome {A Sister's Perspective on Adult Down Syndrome} | special needs siblings | brother with Down Syndrome

Growing up with siblings is probably one of the craziest and life-altering blessings in life. One moment they can be your worst enemy you can’t seem to get away from, but then the next moment they can be your very best friend you’re exploring the world with. You laugh together, fight together, imagine together, create together, and explore together. I grew up with three brothers; so, yes, I was the princess or the “rose among thorns” as my dad would put it. My brothers and I have crazy memories together. We all have different personalities, different desires, different talents, and different paths in life. However, we have all impacted each other in some way or another. The one sibling who has impacted my life more than any other is my brother, Michael. Michael was born with Down Syndrome which is a genetic disorder affecting the physical and intellectual aspects of a person. Although Michael might seem a little different than other people, and it might take him longer to complete certain tasks, he is an incredible person who loves to smile and share his contagious joy with whoever he comes in contact with.

Growing up with a sibling with Down Syndrome

Growing up with a sibling with special needs presents its challenges or perhaps embarrassments at times. People have stared at my brother when we would be walking through the grocery store, poke fun at his speech, or complain about his slowness. At times it gets frustrating waiting on him to tie his shoes so that we can leave to go somewhere, or being patient with him as he repeats what he is trying to say countless times, or completing tasks for him that he can’t physically do. However hard or frustrating those things might be at times, they are completely out-weighed by the innumerable blessings Michael has brought into my life. Those things have made me nothing more than protective of my brother and have caused me to love him with such a profound love.

Michael has taught me precious truths about life that no other person could have taught me better. He has taught me that no matter how mean, rude, impatient, or unkind people are, love them anyways. Michael has such a deep, unconditional love for everyone around him. He has displayed this love in my life in countless ways. Days when I’m short and impatient with him seem like the days he shows me the most love. He is always asking about my day and remembering things from previous days to ask about. He has always forgiven me despite my shortcomings and daily failures. He folds my clothes, vacuums out my car, gives me my mail, and always remembers to have a pen and gum for me at church. His love shines through his care for me, his eagerness to spend time with me, and his passionate desire to serve me.

Not only have I been impacted by my brother’s love for me, I have also been challenged and rebuked by his unique outlook on life. Living in a society that is constantly on the go and craving the latest gadgets or advancements in job positions, Michael chooses to live the simple life. No matter what, Michael is always content and easily pleased about almost anything. When I rush through life making sure I get everything done, I can’t help but to stop and look at his life and admire his love for the simple things in life. He loves doing word searches, watching sports games, playing sports, taking naps, and reading his Bible. He’s not rushing around, desiring the next gadget, or discontent with his lot in life. He’s peaceful and filled with joy pretty much all the time.

From a sibling’s perspective of growing up with someone with Down Syndrome: I would have it no other way.

Michael’s life has taught me patience; Michael’s life has taught me true and total contentment; Michael’s life has given me an intense desire to help other children with special needs. Without Michael’s amazing impact on my life, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. He has touched my life in truly incredible ways. I didn’t have a choice to having a sibling with special needs; but honestly, having him as a sibling is probably the sweetest blessing in my life.

My Brother is Down Right Perfect T-Shirt

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Katie @ Wonderfully Made

This is absolutely beautiful! I am in tears! What an amazing journey you and your brother have shared together. Thank you so much for sharing this, Alyssa. I will be passing it on to others for sure!

Great story! It sounds like our family! We have an 8 year old son with Down Syndrome and his 21 year old sister is in grad school for Speech Therapy. We also live in Ohio and she is attending grad school in Ohio! Our 2 oldest children love and accept their brother unconditionally. We are very fortunate. Our son has taught us so much and we would have it no other way!!!

Julie Jordan Scott (@juliejordanscot)

I just found your #31days series and am so grateful! I am both a special needs Mommy and a special needs sibling. My brother had down’s syndrome and my son has autism. When my son was diagnosed my first thought was, “Oh, my little boy!” and then “Oh, my girls!”…. while I loved my brother dearly (still do though he’s been gone for seven years now) it is different having a special needs sibling. You are different, then, too. Thank you for writing these blog posts! I look forward to reading more!

I love, love, love yr article. I too have a brother with Down Syndrome. I can relate completely with everything u have said about how much he has impacted yr life for the better. My brother makes me stop and smell the roses. He is a tital blessing to our entire family and has made us so much more aware of other people and their sufferings.