child rearing essay

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3.5: Child Rearing Practices and Guidance

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The Elements of Rearing and Guiding Children

So far in this chapter we have looked at theories and ideas that guide our knowledge about the variety of ways in which we think about rearing children. Some of those ideas are quite outdated and yet they seem to remain in the social lexicon when it comes to understanding about what is best for children in their formative years. There is nothing more complicated than raising children as they don't come with an instruction manual. The diversity of ideas we have explored thus far are as diverse as the individual children that are reared in the diversity of families as it relates to their culture and societal constructs.

Child-rearing and Guidance

Parents and caregivers have a responsibility to guide and promote positive socialization strategies for children in their care. These activities are known as discipline or guidance-two words that are often used interchangeably in parenting education. Discipline is defined as “ongoing teaching and nurturing that facilitates self-control, self-direction, competence, and care for others”. It is recommended that caregivers utilize a comprehensive disciplinary approach for guiding children’s behaviors.

Caregivers proactively teach children how to regulate their own behaviors by using age- and developmentally—appropriate strategies that enhance:

• positive, supportive, and nurturing caregiver-child relationships,
• safety, permanency, and consistency,
• acceptable behavioral patterns by removing reinforcements to eliminate undesired behaviors and providing positive reinforcements to strengthen desired behaviors, and
• cognitive, socio emotional, and executive functioning skills.*

For optimal outcomes, all of the above components must consistently function well in an individualized manner for each child, and within the context of children, feeling loved, safe, and secure. Recommended child-rearing strategies are outlined in upcoming pages. Examples of caregivers’ guidance by stage:

• Newborns: recognize and respond flexibly to infant’s needs while providing generally structured daily routines.
• Infants and toddlers: use limitations, protection, and structure to create safe spaces for play and exploration.
• Early childhood: utilize creative and individualized strategies to guide children’s desirable behavior patterns to become their “typical interactions”.
• School-age: increase children’s own responsibility for self-control via the integration of previously-developed internalized rules of conduct.
• Adolescence: change strategies to foster more autonomy, self-regulation, and responsibility while guiding teens’ safety and positive decision-making skills.

Active Listening

Active listening is a type of communication strategy between two or more people that consists of paying attention to what someone is saying and attempting to understand what is being said. Clinical research studies demonstrate that active listening can be a catalyst in one’s personal growth. For example, children are more likely to listen to themselves if someone else allows them to speak and successfully convey their message. Learning how to actively listen takes time, practice, and full commitment. Once achieved, it can build a strong foundation for positive communication resulting in a strong caregiver-child relationship by building trust throughout the lifespan. This strategy also tends to improve the quality of conversations by connecting with others on a deeper level, which can lead to more positive and healthy relationships. How to use this method:

• Caregivers should be on the child’s level and listen in an attentive, nonjudgmental, non-interrupting manner.
• Listeners should pay close attention to possible hidden messages and meanings contained in the verbal communication and should note all non-verbal communication from the child.
• It is important to remember that you are not giving your opinion and thoughts regarding what the child relays to you; you are paraphrasing what the child said and expressing back to the child the emotions the child conveyed.

Key takeaways

• Active listening is paying attention and attempting to understand what someone else is saying.
• It is important to note hidden messages in verbal and non-verbal communications.
• It is important to refrain from giving opinions while paraphrasing what the other person is saying.

Anticipatory structure

Anticipatory structure is a strategy where caregivers share plans and provide forewarnings to children regarding upcoming transitions between activities. This can help establish routines and facilitate more smooth changes in routines. It also allows time for children to prepare for changes, which can heighten their cooperation when the change happens. Anticipatory structure is most effective when caregivers provide multiple forewarnings before transitions, give reasoning for what the child is being asked to do, and use age-appropriate language that the child can understand. It is helpful for parents to provide praise or compliments for their children as they follow each step and meet the end goal.

A parent tells their children that it is almost time to go to bed and they have ten minutes to finish playing and then they need to put their toys away. Later the parent reminds the children again and tells them that they have five minutes left to play and then they need to have all of their toys put away. After five minutes, the parent makes sure the children’s toys are put away and asks them to get ready for bed by reminding them of their regular bedtime routine.

Key takeaway

• Anticipatory structure provides forewarnings to changes in activities and can help establish routines and cooperation.

The CALM method is a technique for parents to use to communicate with their children, whether that be talking through a conflict or just sharing about what happened that day. The goal of this method is to give children a voice and help them feel heard. The “best-practice” way to utilize this method would be to implement it every time your child wants to have a conversation one-on-one with you.

• How to use this method:

CONNECT . The first step in the CALM method is connecting with the child. This means putting aside any and all distractions in order to give your full and undivided attention to what the child says to you.

AFFECT. The second step is affect, which is emotion. This means you want to share and show your emotions and feelings with your children and let them know that you have the same emotions as they do. Through this, they can see that you understand and empathize with what they are going through or telling you.

LISTEN. The third step is listening to the child by repeating what is said back to you or asking for clarifications to help the child feel listened to and heard.

MIRRORING. The fourth and final step is mirroring. This is when you (a) make sure you fully understand what the child is telling you, (b) clear up any questions or misunderstandings by paraphrasing (back to child) what the child said and (c) sharing in your child's thoughts and feelings.

Your daughter, Sammie, came to you upset because she didn’t win a contest at school. First, you would connect by removing all of your distractions (putting away phone, stopping what you are doing), turning your attention to her, and making eye contact with her. Next, you would show how her actions affected you by having an upset look on your face and tone in your voice to show you understand her emotions. After this, you would listen to what she tells you and then clarify details to show Deidre you are invested in the conversation. Lastly, you would mirror the interaction back to Deidre by paraphrasing what she told you to show you care about her thoughts and feelings.

By using this technique, children will be able to see and feel that you are listening, caring, and involved in what they are telling you. You want them to feel that they can come to you and trust you about anything going on in their life, big or small.

Constructive Choices

Constructive choices are a child-rearing strategy where parents provide the child with options for the child when making decisions. This allows children to be involved in making choices in their everyday activities, while still maintaining choices that are positive and safe. This strategy can help children learn how to make decisions, and it teaches and guides children about how to analyze their decision-making abilities so they can eventually make decisions on their own.

• Limit the number of times you give a child a choice,
• Limit the number of choices you give a child (two to four choices work well),
• Provide developmentally-appropriate choices that keep the child safe and healthy,
• Support the child’s decision, and
• Help children think about their choices and the reasoning behind making each decision.

A caregiver may give a child a choice to keep playing with their toys inside or to clean up the toys and go play outside. When the child decides which one they would like to do, you support their decision. This means helping them to critically think about their choices in the decision making process. The older the child, the more choices can be given.

• Caregivers provide specific options to help guide children’s activities and decision-making abilities.

Four Pluses and a Wish

Four Pluses and a Wish is a parenting strategy aimed at creating cooperation and motivation for children to comply with parental requests. Along with leading to better behavior outcomes, it also works to foster healthy communication and is a good example of parental supportive speech. Four Pluses and a Wish involves the parent providing three pluses, which are positive actions toward their child, before making a request. This helps the child feel more respected by their parents and therefore more likely to comply with parental wishes and requests. There are four steps to follow for this strategy. How to use this method:

Smile: The parent approaches the child with a smile and a happy facial expression to show the child that nothing is wrong.

Relaxed body language: The parent displays a relaxed body and uses a friendly voice to communicate friendliness and acceptance toward the child.

Say the child’s name: For children, hearing a parent say their name feels more personal, is affirming, and helps make them feel included and respected in the communication.

Compliment the child: Make a positive comment on something the child is doing, wearing, etc., to make the child feel appreciated.

Make the request: After providing four pluses for the child, the parent can then make a request (the wish).

Luke is playing with blocks and his mother comes into the room. Luke’s mother: “Luke, it’s almost time for dinner, please clean up your toys and wash your hands.” Luke: “I don’t want to clean up yet. I want to keep playing.” Luke’s mother smiles at Luke and with relaxed body language, kneels to his level. “Luke, that is a great car you built with your blocks, you did a good job building it. Could you put it away for a while and come wash your hands for dinner, please?” Luke smiled and complied with his mother’s request.

• Three positive actions are made towards the child before making a request.
• This method promotes cooperation and compliance with requests.

I-messages are effective communication techniques to use when talking with another person. The goals of I-messages are to keep interactions positive, and avoid blame, guilt, judgment, and shame. I-messages express your own feelings, while “you” messages place assumptions or judgments onto the person with whom you are speaking. A “you” message would sound like, “You need to pay more attention!” or “You shouldn’t be acting like that.” Here is an example of turning a “you” message into an I-message. The “you” message might be something like, “You always disobey our rules and do whatever you want!” However, turning it into an I-message might sound more like this, “I feel angry when you disobey the rules we’ve laid out for you because I feel disrespected. I like it when you obey the rules, guidelines, and boundaries we have in this family because it makes me feel like you care about me, yourself, and the whole family.” How to use this method:

• “I feel ___
• Because ___
• I like ___”

This outline expresses how you feel about a given situation, action, or behavior by explaining what you feel, why you feel that way, and what you would like the desired behavior to be.

•“I feel worried and anxious when it is one hour past the time you were to be home and I have not heard from you because I fear something bad has happened. I like it when you keep in touch with me if you might be late. I need you to contact me if you will be late.”

• I-messages start with the word “I,” express your own feelings to keep communication positive, and help avoid blame and judgment onto the other person.

Induction can be used to help youth develop empathy, guide their behaviors, take ownership of their actions, learn acceptable behaviors, and understand how their actions may impact themselves (self-centered induction) and others (other-oriented induction). How to use this method:

When you have a child’s full attention:

• Explain how one’s actions can affect themselves and others (positively and negatively).
• Use a child’s actions as an example to discuss and recommend expectations for acceptable behavior.
• Model desired behaviors for a child to imitate.
• Use others’ actions as examples to discuss and assess how behaviors can impact others’ feelings.
• Encourage, discuss, and reward desired behaviors.
• Explain and discourage undesirable actions.
• Be consistent and proactive by communicating expectations, discussing outcomes, and identifying feelings related to behaviors on an ongoing basis.

Children reared in an environment that uses this approach tend to have higher moral reasoning, internalized standards for behaviors, prosocial skills, and resistance to external influences when compared to their peers who have not been exposed to this technique.

If a child is taking a sibling’s toys, a caregiver can explain, “When you take your brother’s toys, it causes him to feel sad and that you do not like him. How might you feel if your friend took your bike out of our yard without asking you?”

• Induction is used to help children understand how their behaviors affect themselves and others, take ownership of their actions, and guide them to engage in acceptable behaviors.

Natural and Logical Consequences

In the previous section, Dreikurs was mentioned as he elevated this concept of natural and logical consequences. Caregivers can use both natural and logical consequences for children to learn behaviors that provide better outcomes. Both natural and logical consequences encourage children to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors, but in different ways. Natural consequences allow children to learn from the natural outcomes of a situation and logical consequences allow the parent to set the consequences of a child’s undesired actions or behaviors. Logical consequences work best when consequences are immediate and consistent. It is also important to talk with the child about the behavior and to discuss what alternative behaviors would be better to use.

• Natural consequence: Sophie leaves her favorite hair styling doll outside overnight. It rains on Sophie’s doll and ruins its hair. Now Sophie’s doll is ruined and she is no longer able to style the doll’s hair.
• Logical consequence: Juan hits a baseball into his neighbor’s yard and breaks the neighbor’s window. Juan’s parents require Juan to apologize to the neighbor and to complete chores around their own home in order to pay for the neighbor’s broken window.
• Natural consequences are when a child learns from and experiences the natural outcomes of situations.
• Logical consequences are when parents set the consequences of a child’s behaviors.
• This works best when the consequences are immediate and consistent.

No-lose Method

This is a democratic approach that results in caregivers and children resolving conflict in a manner in which all parties are satisfied with the solution. How to use this method:

• Define: All parties communicate their perspectives of the “problem”.
• Brainstorm Solutions: All parties list all possible solutions to resolve the issue.
• Assess Solutions: All parties decide and discuss how they feel about all of the solutions.
• Best Solution: All parties decide upon and agree to implement the best solution.
• Plan in Action: All parties put the best solution into practice.
• Follow-Up: Adult(s) proactively discuss the problem and solution with the child(ren) to revisit the situation
• Define: The “problem” is that siblings are fighting over a book.
• Brainstorm Solutions: The children can take turns reading the book; each child can read a different book; both children can read with each other at the same time with that book; a parent can remove the book so both children need to find different books.
• Assess Solutions: Both children want to read the book together.
• Best Solution: The children and parent agree that the children will read the book together as long as the children do not fight. If they fight while reading the book, the parent will remove the book and both children will need to take a break.
• Plan in Action: The children read the book together and do not fight.
• Follow-Up: Later that same day, the parent asks if they both enjoyed reading that book together. Both children agreed it was an enjoyable time. The parent praised them for not fighting and for solving the issue.
• This method is used to resolve conflict where every party involved discusses their perspective on the problem and possible solutions.
• A solution that satisfies all parties is decided and agreed upon.

Problem Ownership

Problem ownership is an important tool to utilize when caregivers are communicating with children because it can help avoid blaming and arguing. This is when caregivers take time to reflect on an issue and think, “Whose problem is this? Who is actually upset about this?” Sometimes we may think the child is the one with the problem when actually we are the ones getting upset. In reality, the child is just fine – we are the ones that have a problem. This is when a caregiver should own the problem.

If a caregiver owns the problem, it is a perfect opportunity to utilize effective communication strategies such as I-Messages to express one’s thoughts and feelings regarding the problem. If, however, the child owns the problem, caregivers can use this as a chance to practice adult-child interaction techniques such as active listening and the CALM method to connect with the child concerning the problem.

Problem ownership helps caregivers determine which problems they need to figure out themselves, and which problems they should allow their children to figure out. This provides a learning experience to gain responsibility for one’s actions that can be utilized in other relationships as well.

Third-grader tells his dad, “Caleb is not my friend anymore!” Dad: (active listening) “So, I hear that you are upset. What happened?” Third-grader: “Caleb knocked down our entire snow fort during recess today! It took us three entire recesses to build it!” (Dad feels sad for his son and wants to advocate for his son. Dad contemplates calling the teacher or Caleb’s parents. After reflecting, Dad asks himself, “Whose problem is this? It’s my son who is upset. I need to help him navigate this and let him know he can talk to me about these types of issues.” Dad decides to ask open-ended questions and use active listening to learn more about the entire situation.) Dad: Why don’t you tell me what happened. Third-grader: Well… (child has the opportunity to retell the incident and decide for himself, with his dad’s nurturing and understanding support, what to do about the problem). This type of interaction allows a parent to provide support while assisting the child with ways to resolve or work through a problem.

• Problem ownership is when an issue is reflected upon and analyzed to determine who is upset and who owns the problem in a situation.
• A solution can be determined based on who owns the problem.

Positive Language

The manner in which parents communicate with their child can largely determine the child’s own communication methods and language development and can affect the child’s vocabulary and speaking skills over time. Using positive language can greatly support and encourage the child as they get older. How to use this method:

• Respond quickly and kindly to a child’s needs.
• Provide a listening ear or advice even at inconvenient times.
• Be responsive and consistent.
• Use positive and encouraging words when speaking with a child.
• Set a good example of how to talk to other people in public as well as at home by using manners and respect, such as saying “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry.”
• Avoid sarcasm or ill-willed teasing.
• Use positive, communicative forms of guidance and avoid any form of violent discipline such as spanking.
• Spend time alone with each child, even at a young age. Quality time coupled with open communication encourages the child to feel safe and comfortable with their parents and creates a reliable relationship.
• Peter and Dan’s mother says, “Thank you for picking up your toys” after they put away the toys in their playroom.
• Kaila returns home from school and says that she has had a bad day at school. Kaila’s dad asks her what had made it a bad day and listens to Kaila explain what had happened.
• Using phrases such as, “I’m sorry,” “please,” “thank you”, and “I love you” often for children of all ages are recommended!

Redirecting

Verbal and physical redirection help promote desirable behaviors by directing children’s attention to a different activity, toy, or behavior. These strategies help teach appropriate behavior, prevent injuries, reduce punishments, remove children from situations, and promote learning and exploration. The goal is to provide children with easy-to-understand alternative actions (verbally and/or physically) instead of using threats, punishments, or telling children what not to do.

How to Use Verbal and Physical Redirection

• Maintain eye contact and come down to the child’s level. Let children know that the act they are performing is unacceptable by using a firm, nurturing voice.
• Explain why the behavior is unacceptable in a clear, consistent, developmentally appropriate manner. This will help children associate these words with the undesirable action.
• Encourage children to practice the desired outcome immediately. For example, instead of telling children not to stand on chairs, verbally explain that they need to sit down while gently touching them to help them sit down carefully.
• Use physical and verbal redirection to foster children’s curiosity. For instance, encourage them to participate in desired acts that they will undoubtedly want to join.
• Provide positive reinforcement and praise for completing the act in a desirable manner.

Verbal redirection is effective without physical redirection, but physical redirection is not effective without verbal redirection. As in most forms of child rearing, communication is a pivotal component of effective parenting strategies. Physical redirection tends to be more effective with younger children because they are still developing their language comprehension. As children develop additional cognitive and language skills, physical redirection should be used less frequently and verbal redirection should be used more often. An extremely important part of effective physical redirection is adding a gentle, nurturing touch simultaneously with the verbal redirection.

• Verbal redirection should always include explanations of the correct action that a child can understand while using a gentle, nurturing voice.
• Avoid using threats and telling children what not to do.
• Physical redirection should always be used in combination with verbal redirection.
• Consistent language is key for effective redirection so children associate the same words with undesirable actions.
• It is important to use the same steps and words if children repeat the same behavior. Consistency is key when reinforcing positive behaviors and deterring negative behaviors.

Reward-oriented Parenting and Positive Reinforcement

There are many ways to increase the likelihood of children exhibiting desirable behaviors by using positive reinforcements and rewards. You may want to revisit the information regarding Skinner in the previous section to effectively use this parenting strategy.

Parents or teachers may wish to reinforce children for:

Listening attentively;

• Using appropriate manners (e.g., saying “please,” “you are welcome,” and “thank you”);
• Moving and talking in a manner appropriate for the environment (e.g., using “library voices;” “walking feet”);
• Playing nicely;
• Completing tasks without reminders; and
• Calling or texting if they will be late.

Examples of rewards and positive reinforcements include:

• Complimenting a child’s behavior (e.g., “I really like the way you put all of your clothes away in your room”);
• Praising a child’s actions (e.g., “I am proud of how hard you studied for your spelling quiz.”);
• Giving additional privileges;
• Clapping or cheering;
• Thanking them for behaving a certain way (e.g., “Thank you very much for asking such a detailed question;” “I really appreciate you using your inside voice while we were at the museum.”);
• Making sure they overhear you telling someone else about their positive behavior;
• Smiling at them; and
• Giving tangible rewards (e.g., stickers, incentives).

In order for these methods to be effective, rewards or incentives must:

• be important or valuable to the child,
• occur immediately after the desired behavior, and
• consistently be implemented.

While this is a popular method that is often used in schools, a word of caution is important. Over rewarding children can become a problem if their only motivation to do something is to obtain a reward. Rewards can be both extrinsic and intrinsic. Extrinsic rewards are what is highlighted in this section - something that is outside of the child. Intrinsic rewards are those that motivate from within. Doing something because it is right for you and/or it feels good for you. There needs to be a balance so children do not become overly dependent on the extrinsic reward to shape their behavior.

Here is a common example of (unintentionally and positively) rewarding inappropriate behavior: An aunt provides candy to her nephew every time he throws a tantrum in the store because he wants candy at the checkout lane. The aunt reinforces the poor behavior (e.g., a tantrum) by providing reinforcers (e.g., candy and attention) every time he throws a tantrum at the grocery store.

Here is an example of positively rewarding the same child to stop the tantrums: Now that this child throws a tantrum with his parents when they go to the grocery store, his parents provide their son with candy only when he does not throw a tantrum in the store. His parents reinforce the appropriate behavior (e.g., not throwing a tantrum) by providing reinforcers (e.g., candy and attention) every time they go to the grocery store and he refrains from throwing a tantrum.

Another way to help the child refrain from throwing a tantrum is to remind the child how we behave in the store. When you are in the store, letting them know that they are behaving appropriately by smiling at them to convey your approval creates a sense of acceptance from the caregiver to the child.

Structure (with Flexibility): Routines, Rules, Directions

Children (and most people of all ages) thrive in flexibly-structured environments. For children, the sense of knowing what to expect typically elicits feelings of safety and security. Caregivers can help children reduce feelings of chaos by providing flexible, but consistent:

• Concrete, explicit directions with easy-to-understand expectations.

Rules and Routines

In order to maintain consistent routines (e.g., bedtimes, traditions) and rules (e.g., not eating food in certain areas of the house, curfews, wearing a helmet while riding a bicycle) it is important to facilitate and adhere to them as much as possible. Expectations should be developmentally-appropriate and communicated in a manner that can be easily understood. For instance, perhaps family meals are at 6:30 p.m. because this is the time that everyone gets home from work and school activities. This expectation and all moderations should be communicated with all members on a daily basis but also remain flexible. Exceptions that may change a family mealtime might include attending a school-related activity or having a large family gathering every Sunday at 1:30 p.m.

Specific, warm, concrete, understandable directions and expectations can improve behaviors, prevent dangerous circumstances, reduce caregivers’ frustrations, and foster children’s learning of appropriate behaviors. It is most effective to tell children exactly what behaviors you desire.

• “Please use your walking feet while we are in the library,” is more detailed than saying, “Stop that!”
• “We must hold hands in the parking lot to avoid getting hit by a car,” instead of “Hey, come back here!” as the child runs through the parking lot.

Research shows that children’s abilities to anticipate change, use appropriate behaviors, and develop independence are fostered by warm, safe, stable, nurturing, caring, compassionate caregiving on a consistent basis! This means that routines, rules, directions, expectations, and consequences should be responded to or applied every time in a nurturing, warm, consistent manner.

• Providing a warm, close, nurturing, and openly-communicative environment with consistent routines, directions, and rules with reasonable flexibility are key for eliciting feelings of predictability and security.
• It is not too late to learn, teach, and reinforce these skills for caregivers and youth. However, it may take time and practice to elicit changes.

Time-ins and Time-outs

Time-ins are a positive child guidance strategy in which the caregiver stays with the child until they are both calm and can communicate about the issue at hand. When using a time-in the caregiver should stay with the child, and listen to the child and what they are feeling. Once the child has calmed down then the caregiver and child can discuss the child’s behavior and what needs to be changed. Time-ins allow for children to not feel threatened and learn in a positive way. The caregiver and child are able to connect reducing power struggles since everyone’s feelings and needs are considered. A more common and somewhat opposite approach is the use of time-outs. Time-outs are a less positive approach and can be less effective compared to time-ins. Time-outs are where a child is left to sit alone somewhere away from the caregiver for a set amount of time. To learn about time-outs, such as how and when to use them, visit the cdc’s parent essentials site.

Both time-ins and time-outs are used to:

• stop undesirable behavior,
• help children learn better coping skills, and
• give parents and children a chance to calm down.
• Threats and punishments (e.g., time-outs) are often less effective than positive parenting strategies (e.g., time-ins) for changing behaviors.
• Not all children respond well to time-outs.
• Time-ins can reduce power struggles and calm brains.

Parenting programs that offer guidance strategies for families

Conscious discipline.

Conscious Discipline is a comprehensive, evidence-based, trauma-informed approach. The founder Becky Bailey, has successfully implemented this program in many early learning environments throughout the nation as well as providing training opportunities for families. It is based on four components, which are scientifically and practically designed for success. Below is an infographic that illustrates those four components:

The first component of conscious discipline empowers us to be conscious of brain-body states in ourselves and children. It then provides us with the practical skills we need to manage our thoughts, feeling and actions.

With this ability to self-regulate, we are then able to teach children to do the same. By doing this, we help children who are physically aggressive (survival state) or verbally aggressive (emotional state) become more integrated so they can learn and use problem-solving skills (executive state). When we understand the brain state model, we can clearly see the importance of building our homes, schools and businesses on the core principles of safety, connection and problem-solving.

• The only way to soothe the survival state if through the creation of safety.
• The only way to soothe an upset emotional state is through the creation of connection
• The executive state if the optimal state of problem-solving and learning.

In a survival state where we feel triggered by threat, these skills are flight, fight or surrender. We can’t think clearly when a tiger is chasing us. In the modern world, the tiger may be a disrespectful child, but our brain’s evolutionary skill set is the same: fight, flight or surrender.

Our emotional state is our response to upset – and can only be soothed through connection. An upset emotional state is triggered by the world not going our way. It limits our ability to see from another’s point of view. This upset, unconscious state keeps us on autopilot so our words and tone match those of key authority figures from our childhood. We revert to disciplining the same ways we were disciplined, even if we know these behaviors to be ineffective or hurtful.

Executive State is the optimal state for problem-solving and learning. As we learn to regulate and integrate our internal state to be one of relaxed alertness, we are able access our own brilliance. We are empowered to change and make wise choices. An integrated executive state frees us from past conditioning, attunes us to the feelings and experiences of others, enables us to remain focused enough to set and achieve goals, and allows us to consciously respond instead of automatically react to life events.

Conscious Discipline empowers us to be conscious of brain-body states in ourselves and children. It then provides us with the practical skills we need to manage our thoughts, feeling and actions. With this ability to self-regulate, we are able to teach children to do the same. By doing this, we help children who are physically aggressive (survival state) or verbally aggressive (emotional state) become more integrated so they can learn and use problem-solving skills (executive state). When we understand the brain state model, we can clearly see the importance of building our homes, schools and businesses on the core principles of safety, connection and problem-solving.

As we move up the pyramid (refer to infographic) the second component is seven powers for conscious adults that are necessary in effectively and successfully helping to guide children's behavior.

The third component is essential in creating school family connections. We know that creating partnerships with families, build trust and mutual respect. We are a team working together with families to provide an environment that is supportive and empowering.

The school family is built on a healthy family model with the goal of optimal develop of all members. This includes:

Willingness to learn - without willingness, each interaction becomes a power struggle instead of a learning opportunity. The School Family brings all children and adults, especially the most difficult, to a place of willingness through a sense of belonging.

Impulse Control - connection with others wires the brain for impulse control. Disconnected children are disruptive and prone to aggressive, shutting down, or bullying behaviors. The School Family uses connection to encourage impulse control while teaching self-regulation skills in context.

Attention - our attentional system is sensitive to stress and becomes engaged with positive emotions. The School Family reduces stress while creating an atmosphere of caring, encouragement and meaningful contributions.

The last and fourth component are the seven skills of discipline. They include the following:

• Composure - anger management, delay of gratification
• Encouragement - prosocial skills, kindness, caring, helpfulness
• Assertiveness - bully prevention, healthy boundaries
• Choices - impulse control, goal achievement
• Empathy - emotional regulation, perspective taking
• Positive intent - cooperation, problem solving
• Consequences - learning from your mistakes

To find out more about this program you can visit the website where there is more information and resources regarding Conscious Discipline .

Love and Logic Parenting

Love and Logic Parenting was founded by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. They saw that families needed strategies to help deal with the problems their children were having. The principles in this program were formulated to help families to develop strategies that would bring the fun back into parenting. Over the years the program has been updated and this is the most current program developed in 2012.

The six techniques that are taught in the course:

• Putting an end to arguing, back talk, and begging
• Teaching responsibility without losing their love
• Setting limits without waging war
• Avoiding power-struggles
• Guiding kids to own and solve their problems
• Teaching kids to complete chores without reminders and without pay

This parenting program is usually taught in a cohort that involves 6 2-hour sessions. The workbook that comes with the program states the following.

Through this program, you will learn techniques that:

• Are simple and easy to learn.
• Teach responsibility and character.
• Lower your stress level.
• Have immediate and positive effects.
• Up the odds that you will enjoy livelong positive relationships with your kids and your grandchildren.

Active Parenting

Active parenting was founded in 1980 and was the first video-based parenting education program. The need for such an innovation in parenting education was based on two beliefs about parenting in our democratic society:

• Parenting well is extremely important.
• Parenting well is extremely difficult.

This training program is designed to teach a method of parenting and problem solving that will help families prepare children to courageously meet the challenges life poses. And it helps to build relationships that bring joy and satisfaction for a lifetime. The core beliefs of this parenting program is that parenting is the most important job you will ever do in our society. It is based on a six week training model where you will:

• Realize or recall mistakes you have made in the past in your own parenting. Everyone does and it is important to recognize those mistakes, but it is far more important to let go so that you can develop new strategies that will provide better outcomes for you and your children.
• Realize that you will make further mistakes as you learn new skills. Mistakes are a part of the learning process. When trying on new strategies, you are apt to make mistakes and there is no value in punishing yourself. The value comes in recognizing that you are not perfect and that you are open to learning and trying new strategies.

That six week training model includes the following content:

• the active parent
• winning cooperation
• responsibility and discipline
• understanding and redirecting behavior
• building courage, character, and self-esteem
• the active family now

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (S.T.E.P.)

This parenting program was founded by a group of psychologists who believed that families needed support and strategies to create healthier ways of parenting. The philosophy of this parent program is to provide:

• a look at long-term goals of parenting
• information on how young children think, feel, and act
• skills that can increase your enjoyment and effectiveness as a parent
• skills that can develop your child's self-esteem and confidence
• support for yourself as a parent and as a person
• effective ways to teach cooperation and discipline

The course covers the following areas:

• Understanding young children - how they grow and develop
• Understanding young children's behavior
• Building self-esteem in the early years
• Learning and talking to young children
• Helping young children learn to cooperate
• Young children's social and emotional development

While this may seem like a comprehensive, exhaustive look at the varying parenting strategies, they are many more as well as more that keep surfacing. This shows us that effective parenting is an important aspect for both families and teachers who work with their children. It is important to note that parenting is based on many aspects and we need to be culturally responsive to other ways of parenting.

Recently, the Brazelton Touchpoints Center has created a program called: Parenting While Black. They offer many webinars with professionals on subjects that are relevant for raising black children. This program began in 2020 and since then they have had many webinars to support Black families in raising their Black children. Here are a few of the webinar titles:

• Standing in our Black Joy and Excellence with our Children, Families, and Communities
• Black Mental Health Matters: Being Black in White Spaces
• Elevating our Racial Identity: Flourishing in Blackness Across the Life Span
• Infertility, Fertility, and Birthing People: The Black Experience
• Thriving in the Midst: Grounding and Uplifting Our Babies, Children, Families, and Communities
• Literacy, Technology, and Art: Healing the Harm and Centering Our Joy in Raising Black Infants, Children and Youth

You can visit the Brazelton Touchpoints website for more information.

"Parenting and Family Diversity" by Diana Lang is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0

Parenting the Love and Logic Way: Workbook, Charles Fay, PhD and Jim Fay, 2012

For more information about positive parenting strategies by ages and stages, visit the CDC website

Understanding Child Rearing Practices: Concepts and Foundations

Table of Contents

Have you ever considered how the tender nurturing of a child lays the groundwork for the adult they will become? Child rearing practices are the cornerstone of this developmental journey, serving as the guiding methods through which parents and guardians shape the future of their offspring and, by extension, society. These practices are not merely about ensuring survival; they are about instilling values, morals, and behaviors that will define the child’s character and worldview.

The Philosophical Origins: From Locke’s Tabula Rasa to Modern Perspectives

The concept of child rearing is deeply rooted in philosophical thought. One of the earliest and most influential ideas came from John Locke , who posed that children are born as ‘tabula rasa’, or blank slates. According to Locke, it is the experiences provided by parents and the environment that inscribe upon these slates, forming the individual’s knowledge and understanding of the world. This idea revolutionized the way we think about education and parenting, highlighting the importance of childhood experiences in determining an individual’s future.

The role of experiences in shaping the child

Locke’s theory underlines the significance of positive interactions, learning opportunities, and nurturing environments. It suggests that every word spoken, behavior modeled, or value taught can leave a lasting imprint on the child’s slate, thereby influencing who they become as adults.

Defining Child Rearing Practices: More Than Just Parenting

Child rearing practices encompass a broad range of actions and decisions made during the upbringing of children. These include the deliberate choices about what values to teach, the behaviors to encourage, and the discipline methods to employ. However, it goes beyond these to also encompass the unintentional ways in which parents influence their children, such as through the attitudes they exhibit and the societal norms they embody.

Teaching, modeling, and reinforcing behaviors

Teaching: This involves direct instruction where parents actively impart knowledge and skills needed for the child’s personal development and social integration.

Modeling: Children learn a great deal by observation. The behaviors, reactions, and interactions exhibited by parents serve as a live demonstration from which children learn to emulate.

Reinforcing: Parents reinforce behaviors through feedback mechanisms such as praise, rewards, and sometimes, punishment. This helps in shaping the child’s understanding of right and wrong.

The Aims of Child Rearing Practices: A Multifaceted Approach

Child rearing is not a one-dimensional endeavor. It aims to achieve multiple outcomes that benefit both the child and the society at large. These practices are designed to inculcate moral values, establish healthy attitudes, and encourage behaviors that are deemed necessary for the child’s overall development and positive contribution to society.

Inculcating moral values and attitudes

Instilling moral values such as honesty, kindness, and respect is a fundamental aspect of child rearing. These values become the moral compass that guides the child’s decisions and interactions with others.

Nurturing behaviors necessary for development and societal contribution

Child rearing also involves nurturing behaviors that support the child’s personal development, such as curiosity and self-reliance, and societal contribution, like cooperation and civic-mindedness.

Rewards and Punishments: The Balancing Act of Discipline

Discipline is a crucial component of child rearing. It is not just about correcting misbehavior; it is about guiding the child towards self-discipline and responsibility. The use of rewards and punishments must be balanced carefully to ensure they are effective in reinforcing the desired behaviors without causing harm or fostering resentment.

Effective discipline strategies

Strategies such as positive reinforcement, setting clear boundaries, and using consequences that are directly related to the misbehavior can be effective in teaching children discipline.

Maintaining a nurturing environment alongside discipline

It is vital that discipline is administered within a nurturing environment where the child feels loved and secure. This helps in fostering trust and a sense of safety, which are essential for the child’s emotional development.

Understanding child rearing practices is essential for anyone invested in the growth and development of children. From Locke’s ‘tabula rasa’ to modern disciplinary techniques, these practices have evolved but the core objective remains the same – to nurture well-rounded individuals who can thrive and contribute positively to society. The responsibility lies in the hands of parents, educators, and communities to shape these blank slates into beautiful murals of human potential.

What do you think? How do you believe contemporary child rearing practices differ from those of the past? Can we truly shape our children’s futures, or are there elements of their development that remain out of our influence?

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Developmental Psychology

1 Introduction to Life Span Development, Definition, Concept and Characteristic Features

• Life Span Development
• Issues in Life Span Development
• Stages of Development
• Concept of Life Span Development
• Characteristic of Life Span Development
• Significant Facts about Development
• Theories of Child Development

2 Theories of Human Development

• Psychodynamic Theories
• Humanistic Theories
• Behaviouristic Theories
• Cognitive Theory

3 Prenatal, Perinatal, Antenatal and Postnatal Development

• Prenatal Development
• Postnatal Period
• Principles of Development

4 Perceptual and Language Development

• Perceptual Development
• Language Development
• Theoretical Viewpoints of Language Development

5 Physical and Motor Development, Psycho Social Development

• Psychosocial Development: Definition
• Erickson’s Theory of Psycho Social Development
• Major Factors Contributing to Psycho Social Development
• Physical Development
• Motor Development

6 Relationship in Early Years (Attachment Theory)

• Relationship with Parents
• Attachment Theory
• Attachment Patterns
• Factors Promoting Secure Attachments

7 Child Rearing Practices

• Child Rearing Practices: Concept and Terminology
• Models of Parenting
• Child Rearing Practices: Parenting Style and Parenting Dimensions
• The Impact of Parenting Style

8 Screening and Assessment for Developmental Disorders

• Developmental Disorders: Diagnostic Guidelines
• Developmental Disorders of Speech and Language
• Developmental Disorders of Scholastic Skills
• Developmental Disorders of Motor Functions
• Pervasive Developmental Disorders

9 Physical Development and Adjustment

• Adolescent Development
• Let Us Sum Up

10 Sexual Maturity in Male and Female, Identity, Self Concept and Self Esteem

• Identity in Adolescence
• Self Concept in Adolescence
• Self-Esteem in Adolescence
• Peer Group Relationship

11 Relationship – Family and Peer Group

• Adolescence Relations
• Adolescence Relation with Family
• Parenting Styles
• Attachment Perspective
• Adolescence and Their Relations with Peers
• Peers vs. Parents

12 Information Processing and Cognitive Theory

• Information Processing
• Cognitive Psychology
• Cognitive Information Processing

13 Physical, Psychological and Social Changes

• Introduction to Physical Changes
• Psychological and Social Changes

14 Havighurst’s Developmental Tasks for Adulthood, Middle Age and Old Age

• Early Adulthood Physical Changes
• Middle Adulthood Physical Changes
• Late Adulthood Physical Changes
• Adulthood Developmental Tasks
• Middle-age Developmental Tasks
• Old Age Developmental Tasks

15 Erikson’s Concept Regarding Adulthood, Middle Age and Old Age

• Young Adulthood
• Middle Adulthood
• Later Adulthood or Old Age

16 Concept and Attitude towards Successful Ageing, Death and Dying

• Types of Ageing
• Characteristics Associated with Successful Ageing
• Theories of Successful Ageing
• Kubler-Ross Model

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Parenting Around the World: Child-Rearing Practices in Different Cultures

Parents often face a seemingly endless array of choices when it comes to child-rearing. From deciding whether or not to work, to selecting breast milk vs. formula, to implementing permissive or authoritative discipline, it can be difficult for parents to decide on the right course of action. Although it may feel like there is only one best way to raise a child, a survey of global parenting reveals that child-rearing practices in different cultures are actually quite diverse in form, and the influence culture plays is profound.

Parenting Across Cultures: A Global Perspective  

Child-rearing in different cultures can be as varied as the countries from which they come. Some practices can appear neglectful by American standards, while others just seem unusual.

Norwegian parents let their kids sleep in the freezing cold, NPR reports. The French don’t cater to “fussy eaters,” instead serving children the same meals they themselves eat. And in the Polynesian Islands, it’s not uncommon for “older” children (think toddler and preschool age) to take care of younger ones — even those who are not their siblings.

“Argentine parents let their kids stay up until all hours,” NPR says. “Japanese parents let 7-year-olds ride the subway by themselves; and Danish parents leave their kids sleeping in a stroller on the curb while they go inside to shop or eat.”

Sara Harkness, a professor of human development at the University of Connecticut, discovered a trait that appears unique to American parents: their belief in the importance of early age cognitive stimulation. Her study on cultural models and developmental agendas for early infancy concluded that American mothers were more likely to emphasize the importance of maintaining high levels of mental arousal and activity than their counterparts in other countries.

“The most salient themes for the American mothers were Stimulation of Development, and, relatedly, Cognitive Processing,” the study states. “Together, these two themes capture these mothers’ concern with getting their babies off to the best possible start in maximizing their potential as actively thinking persons, a concern underlined by popular promotion of the importance of early brain development.”

The study also included mothers from the Netherlands, Spain, Italy and Korea. Mothers in these countries placed emphasis on markedly different practices than Americans, including self-regulation through a restful and regulated environment, attention to the baby’s physical and emotional needs, emotional closeness, and protecting and educating the child.

Notable Cultural Differences in Parenting: The Individual vs. the Collective

One of the most widely debated issues in parenting is whether and to what extent a child’s individuality should be nurtured. There are two fundamental patterns in child-rearing, individualistic and collectivist, explains communication expert Marcia Carteret on Dimensions of Culture . Individualistic cultures emphasize self-sufficiency, while collectivist ones emphasize the dependence of individuals on the group of which they are a part.

American parents embrace the former. “In study after study, cultural anthropologists have found that the overriding goal of American parents is to make a child independent and self-reliant,” Carteret says. “Babies are bundles of potential and a good parent is one who can uncover the latent abilities and talents in their child, encourage the good while discouraging the bad.”

Furthermore, the Institute for Advanced Studies in Culture published a report on the culture of American families. Out of the four types of parenting modes Americans tend to practice, just 20 percent belong to the mode most likely to emphasize tradition. The other 80 percent of parents were defined by factors unrelated to custom or conformity, such as an emphasis on personal freedom, a lack of a particular child-rearing agenda and the desire to raise children more materially successful than themselves.

Through this lens, the gap between parenting styles in America and many parts of the world gives more of the impression of a chasm. Collectivist cultures, by far the global norm, train children in dependent behaviors including obedience, calmness, politeness and respect toward others. Ultimately, these child-rearing practices emphasize feeling responsible for behavior and avoiding shaming both personally and for the family, clan or community.

Specifically, collectivist values can often be observed in many Asian-based cultures. The Frances McClelland Institute for Children, Youth, and Families explains that Chinese and Filipino traditions regard adhering to the status quo as paramount in importance.

Children raised with Chinese values are instilled with an obvious and accepted duty toward their family. As part of their child-raising technique, Chinese parents are also expected to teach their children the specific practice of how to live harmoniously with others. Therefore, individual emotional expression is considered harmful, as it is a threat to maintaining harmony. This in turn creates a culture of “saving face,” which leads to shame on the child if society’s expectations for propriety are breached.

Filipino families have a similar system. They adhere to concepts like hiya (referring to “shame” or “sense of propriety”) and pakikisama (getting along with others to create harmony, even if it conflicts with an individual’s personal desires). Again, if these principles are rejected or breached, intense shame is attached to the act.

Causes of Differentiation

Parents generally raise their children with the goal of molding them into effective adults. But the definition of an effective, productive member of society differs from culture to culture: How important is happiness? Financial stability? Family connectedness? Faith? Generally, “success” is defined by what ethics, mores and standards of life practice the culture in question possesses.

Children stay up until 10 p.m. in Spain and Argentina because of the strong emphasis those countries place on the domestic unit. Sending children to bed earlier would mean they couldn’t fully participate in family life, something that those societies consider particularly important.

Some African cultures, like those in Zambia and Malawi, treasure the passing down of unique cultural traditions, considering it the job of elders to continue this practice. The Kisii people of Kenya give weight to eye contact. They refuse to look their babies in the eye, believing it will cause them to grow up thinking they are in control of their caretakers.

For many cultures, a strong intergenerational family unit is critical to the success of a society. Children provide the social safety net for elderly parents. The United States, in contrast, places a premium on job success and individuality, which can mean children moving far away to pursue careers.

Indeed, societal philosophies and their influence on families can prove both substantial and, at the same time, enigmatic. It can be hard to understand just how significant an impact culture has on child-rearing because those norms are so embedded in what parents consider to be “normal” or “right” behavior. But knowing how culture ties people together, for better or for worse, can have a significant impact on raising well-adjusted children.

Cultural differences in parenting abound, and for marriage and family therapists, understanding cultural mores is even more important to effectively help clients with the complicated web of family and cultural dynamics. Touro University Worldwide offers a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy that gives students an understanding of how to embrace different cultures when treating clients. The fully online program allows students to maintain their personal and work schedules.

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Human Relations Area Files

Cultural information for education and research, a cross-cultural perspective on childhood.

What is a “normal” childhood? Childhood, child-rearing and care-giving are all areas of human development which are largely taken for granted from within a single culture. However, approaches to childhood and children vary greatly across countries and peoples around the world. Cross-cultural research using the eHRAF World Cultures and eHRAF Archaeology databases allows us to compare and contrast aspects of childhood between cultures.

Since the 1950s, cross-cultural researchers have studied cultural variation in the treatment of infants and children and have produced numerous publications on the possible causes and consequences of these variations. But the anthropology of childhood has recently gained more prominence in academia, perhaps aided by Professor David Lancy’s comparative books, The Anthropology of Childhood: Cherubs, Chattel, Changelings (2015), Anthropological Perspectives on Children as Helpers, Workers, Artisans, and Laborers (2017), and Raising Children: Surprising Insights from Other Cultures (2017). Using past and present examples from all regions of the world, in the first book, Lancy reveals alternate cultural notions of children who can be treated by parents and care-givers as innocent beings, annoying inconveniences, or commoditized possessions. The second book focuses on the importance of “helping” in early childhood that commonly transitions to work in middle childhood. The third book puts Western parenting into perspective by comparing parenting practices with those of other societies.

Lancy has captured parental fascination beyond academia by challenging much that is so familiar about childhood in Western society. As the author explains: “I’ve had some success at weakening the intellectual monopoly that western, middle class culture holds on ideas about child rearing and child development. A very thorough review of childhood—aided immeasurably by eHRAF— from the ethnographic archives has allowed me to offer a cross-cultural and distinctly different account of “normal” childhood.”

Normal or just WEIRD?

In so-called WEIRD (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich and Democratic) societies, the responsibility is largely placed on parents or parental figures to not only nurture their children, but also teach them and guide their intellectual and social development from as early on in the lifespan as possible – including attempts to influence the fetus in utero (Lancy 2010: 80). This proactive and instructive approach, which can involve singing to a baby in the womb and providing educational toys with parental guidance throughout childhood, contrasts sharply with the approach to child development found in most non-WEIRD societies.

Ethnographic examples from the eHRAF World Cultures database effectively illustrate some of the ways that culture influences childhood development. While Western parents may be more familiar with the cultural notion that child-rearing demands a hands-on approach from caregivers until the child is self-sufficient, other cultures might leave children to explore freely as a form of self-education. They may be left to “find their own way” from a much younger age than Westerners are accustomed to. Furthermore, a child’s personhood status may be acknowledged earlier or later on in the life-cycle in some societies compared with others.

Among the Igbo of Nigeria, for instance, Basden (1966: 65) finds that “from the age of about three years, the Ibo child is reckoned as sufficiently advanced to be left more or less to its own devices. It begins to consort freely with children of its own age or company (otu) and to take its share in work and play.”

How children are treated can depend on cultural factors that include subsistence type, economic activity, family or community structure, and residence patterns. In some societies, infants are protected and insulated by parents for long periods; while in others, independence and resilience are expected from a young age and children are rarely excluded from adult activity; rather, they are readily integrated into the domestic economy.

For the Semai, a hunter-gatherer people from Malaysia, parents do not programmatically teach their children specific life or work skills as this would be coercive and detrimental to the child:

“Semai emphatically deny that they teach their children.  A  man might say, “We don’t worry about our children.  We don’t mess with them.  They grow up here in the jungle like animals.  We look after ourselves, they look after themselves.” (Dentan 1978: 98). Children tag along after adults, especially parents or grandparents, imitating their activities in ways that shade imperceptibly into helping out. … When no adults are around, children often play at adult activities by themselves (Dentan 1978: 126-127).

Similarly, parents do not expect to safeguard children from all the potential dangers of day-to-day life Unlike members of WEIRD society, daily adult activities, like handling sharp tools, are not off-limits to children. For the San (hunter-gatherers) in Southern Africa:

The relationship between children and adults is easygoing and unselfconscious. Adults do not believe that children should keep to themselves: be seen but not heard. The organization of work, leisure, and living space is such that there is no reason for confining children or excluding them from certain activities. Everyone lives on the flat surface of the ground; hence there is no need to protect children from falls or from becoming entrapped behind doors. With the exception of spears and poisoned arrows, adult tools do not constitute a hazard to children. Those weapons are simply kept hanging in trees or wedged on top of a hut, safely out of reach. When the men are making spear and arrow points, they do not attempt to exclude children … from the area (Draper 1976: 205-6).

Naturally, hunger-gatherer parents need to be more cautious and restrictive outside the settlement, where their children likely face danger from predators and the harsh environment. The two above examples from hunter-gatherer societies show some common traits; namely that the type of subsistence and resulting structure of society along with close proximity to extended family and other community members enable “teaching” to happen communally. The lines between work and play as children learn and grow are not especially clear and child behavior is not always monitored or corrected.

In societies where the division of labor is more rigid, however, we might alternatively note that children are expected to do their full share of grown-up work as soon as it is possible for them to contribute.

In pastoralist Kurdish society in Iraq, Hansen (1961: 49) finds that children play a role in the differentiation of labor, with jobs specifically designated for them: “The woman who makes the tea has nothing to do with serving it, and never moves from her position behind the samovar… As a rule it is children’s work. From the time they are able to balance across the floor with a tea glass and saucer in the one hand they take part in this ceremony.”

Similarly, Tongan children grow up in a horticulturalist society where they “begin to practice tasks before they are expected to be capable of doing them. Toddlers try to sweep up leaves, cut the grass with a machete, or peel vegetables and are usually allowed to handle the tools required for such tasks” (Lee 1996: 160).

Young girl from the Maniq tribe in southern Thailand. The Maniq are one of the few hunter-gatherer groups in Southeast Asia.” photo credit: Khaled Hakami (Anthropologist, University of Vienna), September 2014.

Other parents may intervene in more focused ways to shape their children’s development. For example, Caughey (1977: 42) explains how Chuuk parents in Micronesia intend to foster desirable character traits in their children:

This concern is partially reflected in the earliest socialization techniques, such as administering magical medicines to infants. For example, one secret concoction known as “bravery medicine” (sáfeyen pwara) is supposed to help produce this trait in a child’s character. An elder whose grandson had been treated with such medicine observed proudly that the two year old child did not “laugh a lot like a woman”, liked to play with a huge machete, and did not flinch when the medical expert experimentally jabbed knives at his face.

The image of a small child waving a machete may be commonplace in many societies and yet may cause extreme discomfort for those living in WEIRD societies. This contrast reveals how very different notions of “normal” childhood exist throughout the world. What is normal, ordinary, or extreme varies from place to place and culture to culture. Cross-cultural research supported with rich ethnographic context like that found in eHRAF World Cultures database not only enables us to discover differences between cultures, but, equally importantly, to find commonalities that may hold true universally across human populations.

Basden, George T. 1966. Among the Ibos of Nigeria: an account of the curious and interesting habits, customs and beliefs of a little known African people by one who has for many years lived amongst them on close and intimate terms. London: Cass. eHRAF World Cultures Database http://ehrafworldcultures.yale.edu/document?id=ff26-006 , accessed 05 Feb 2015.

Caughey, John. 1977. Fa’a’nakkar cultural values in a Micronesian society. Philadelphia: Department of Anthropology, University of Pennsylvania. eHRAF World Cultures Database http://ehrafworldcultures.yale.edu/document?id=or19-026 , accessed 05 Feb 2015.

Dentan, Robert K. 1978. “Notes on childhood in nonviolent context: the Semai case”, in Ashley Montagu, Learning non-aggression. New York: OUP. pp. 94-143. eHRAF World Cultures Database http://ehrafworldcultures.yale.edu/document?id=an06-016 , accessed 05 Feb 2015.

Draper, Patricia. 1976. “Social and economic constraints on child life among the !Kung” in Richard B. Lee and Irven DeVore, Kalahari hunter-gatherers: studies of the !Kung San and their neighbors. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press. pp. 199-217. eHRAF World Cultures Database http://ehrafworldcultures.yale.edu/document?id=fx10-049 , accessed 05 Feb 2015.

Hansen, Henny H. 1961. The Kurdish woman’s life: field research in a Muslim society, Iraq. Kobenhavn: Nationalmuseet. eHRAF World Cultures Database http://ehrafworldcultures.yale.edu/document?id=ma11-004 , accessed 07 Feb 2015.

Lancy, David. F. 2010. Learning ‘From Nobody’: The Limited Role of Teaching in Folk Models of Children’s Development.  Childhood in the Past  3: 79-106.

__2015. The Anthropology of Childhood: Cherubs, Chattel, Changelings. 2nd Ed. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

__ 2017. Anthropological Perspectives on Children as Helpers, Workers, Artisans, and Laborers. New York: Palgrave-Macmillan.

__ 2017. Raising Children: Surprising Insights from Other Cultures. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Lee, Helen M. 1996. Becoming Tongan: an ethnography of childhood. Honolulu: University of Hawai’i Press. eHRAF World Cultures Database http://ehrafworldcultures.yale.edu/document?id=ou09-107 , accessed 06 Feb 2015.

Ember, C. and C. Cunnar. 2015. “Children’s Play and Work: The Relevance of Cross-Cultural Ethnographic Research for Archaeologists.” Childhood in the Past 8(2): 87-103. http://www.maneyonline.com/doi/abs/10.1179/1758571615Z.00000000031

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Why Parenting Styles Matter When Raising Children

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and international bestselling author. Her books, including "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do," have been translated into more than 40 languages. Her TEDx talk,  "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong," is one of the most viewed talks of all time.

Verywell / Laura Porter

The Four Parenting Styles

• Impact of Parenting Style

Advantages of Authoritative Parenting

Can you change your parenting style.

• Limitations and Criticism

Parenting styles are constructs used to describe the different strategies parents tend to utilize when raising children. These styles encompass parents' behaviors and attitudes and the emotional environment in which they raise their children.

Developmental psychologists have long been interested in how parents affect child development. However, finding actual cause-and-effect links between specific actions of parents and later behavior of children is very difficult.

Some children raised in dramatically different environments can later grow up to have remarkably similar personalities . Conversely, children who share a home and are raised in the same environment can grow up to have very different personalities.

Despite these challenges, researchers have posited that there are links between parenting styles and the effects these styles have on children. And some suggest these effects carry over into adult behavior.

In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind conducted a study on more than 100 preschool-age children. Using naturalistic observation , parental interviews, and other research methods , she identified some important dimensions of parenting.

These dimensions include disciplinary strategies, warmth and nurturing, communication styles, and expectations of maturity and control. Based on these dimensions, Baumrind suggested that the majority of parents display one of three different parenting styles. Later research by Maccoby and Martin suggested adding a fourth parenting style. Each of these has different effects on children's behavior.

The four parenting styles that have been identify by Baumrind and other researchers are:

• The authoritarian parenting style
• The authoritative parenting style
• The permissive parenting style
• The uninvolved parenting style

What's Your Parenting Style?

This fast and free parenting styles quiz can help you analyze the methods you're using to parent your kids and whether or not it may be a good idea to learn some new parenting behaviors:

Authoritarian Parenting

In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment.

Authoritarian parents don't explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, "Because I said so."

Other common characteristics:

• While these parents have high demands, they are not very responsive to their children.
• They expect their children to behave exceptionally and not make errors, yet they provide little direction about what they should do or avoid in the future.
• Mistakes are punished, often quite harshly, yet their children are often left wondering exactly what they did wrong.

Baumrind says these parents "are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation." They are often described as domineering and dictatorial. Their approach is "spare the rod, spoil the child." They expect children to obey without question.

Effects of Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parenting styles generally lead to obedient and proficient children, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence, and  self-esteem . They may also be more likely to lie to avoid punishment.

Authoritative Parenting

Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic.

Common characteristics of the authoritative parenting style:

• Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions.
• These parents expect a lot of their children, but they provide warmth, feedback, and adequate support.
• When children fail to meet expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving than punishing.

According to Baumrind, authoritarive parents are good at setting standards and monitoring their children's behavior. Their disciplinary methods are assertive and supportive rather than intrusive, restrictive, or punitive.

For authoritative parents, the goal is to raise children who are socially responsible, cooperative, and self-regulated. The combination of expectation and support helps children of authoritative parents develop skills such as independence, self-control, and self-regulation. 

Effects of Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parenting styles tend to result in happy, capable, and successful children.

Permissive Parenting

Permissive parents , sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, make very few demands of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control.​

• Other common characteristics of permissive parenting:
• Permissive parents prioritize being their child's friend rather than being a parent.
• They are warm and attentive but tend to set few rules, rarely enforce rules, and have few expectations.
• They allow their children to make their own decisions. 

According to Baumrind, permissive parents are responsive to their children but not demanding. Because they do not expect mature behavior from their children, kids may struggle to set limits for themselves. On the positive side, this can help kids become more self-sufficient and independent. On the downside, it can contribute to poor self-regulation.

Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than a parent.

Effects of Permissive Parenting

Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school.

Uninvolved Parenting

In addition to the three major styles introduced by Baumrind, psychologists Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin proposed a fourth style: uninvolved or neglectful parenting.

An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness, and very little communication.

Other characteristics of the uninvolved parenting style:

• While these parents fulfill the child's basic needs, they are generally detached from their child's life.
• They might ensure that their kids are fed and have shelter but offer little to nothing in the way of guidance, structure, rules, or even support.
• These parents may seem indifferent, unresponsive, and dismissive.
• In some cases, these parents may reject or neglect the needs of their children. They may also be physically or emotionally abusive.

A 2019 study found that children raised by neglectful parents tend to struggle in school, experience more depression, have worse social relationships, have difficulty controlling their emotions, and experience more anxiety.

Effects of Uninvolved Parenting

Uninvolved parenting styles rank lowest across all life domains. These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem, and are less competent than their peers.

The Impact of Parenting Styles

Research suggests that parenting styles can have a range of effects on children. Some of the areas of a child's life that may be affected in the present and in the future include:

• Academics : Parenting styles can play a part in academic achievement and motivation.
• Mental health : Parenting styles can also influence children's mental well-being. Kids raised by authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved parents tend to experience more anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems.
• Self-esteem : Kids raised by parents with an authoritative style tend to have strong self-esteem than kids raised by parents with other styles,
• Social relationships : Parenting styles can impact how kids relate to other people. For example, kids raised by permissive parents are more likely to be bullied, while kids raised by authoritarian parents are more likely to bully others.
• Adult relationships : Researchers have also found that kids raised by strict, authoritarian parents may be more likely to experience emotional abuse in adult romantic relationships.

Because authoritative parents are more likely to be viewed as reasonable, fair, and just, their children are more likely to comply with their parents' requests. Also, because these parents provide rules as well as explanations for these rules, children are much more likely to internalize these lessons.

Rather than simply following the rules because they fear punishment (as they might with authoritarian parents), the children of authoritative parents are able to see why the rules exist, understand that they are fair and acceptable, and strive to follow these rules to meet their own internalized sense of what is right and wrong.

Mixing Parenting Styles

The parenting styles of individual parents also combine to create a unique blend in each family. For example, the mother may display an authoritative style, while the father favors a more permissive approach.

This can sometimes lead to mixed signals. To create a cohesive approach to parenting, parents must learn to cooperate and combine their unique parenting styles.

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If you notice that you tend to be more authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved, there are steps you can take to adopt a more authoritative parenting style. Strategies that may help include:

• Listen : Spending time listening to what your child has to say. Let them share their opinions, ideas, and worries with you. 
• Establish rules : Create a clear set of rules for your household and communicate your expectations to your child. In addition to telling your child what the rules are, be sure to explain why these rules exist.
• Consider your child's input : Authoritative parents set the rules but are also willing to listen to their child's feelings and consider them when making decisions.
• Be consistent : Enforce rules consistently, but be sure to provide consequences that are fair, proportionate, and educational. 

Developing a more authoritative parenting style takes time. With practice and consistent effort, however, you will find that your approach to parenting gradually shifts to a more supportive, involved approach that can lead to better developmental outcomes.

Limitations of Parenting Style Research

Links between parenting styles and behavior are based on correlational research , which is helpful for finding relationships between variables . However, such research cannot establish definitive cause-and-effect relationships.

While there is evidence that a particular parenting style is linked to a specific pattern of behavior, other variables, such as a child's temperament, can also play a significant role.

Children May Affect Their Parents' Styles

There is also evidence that a child's behavior can impact parenting styles. One study found that the parents of children who exhibited difficult behavior began to exhibit less parental control over time. Such results suggest that kids might misbehave not because their parents were too permissive but because the parents of difficult or aggressive children gave up on trying to control their kids.

Outcomes Vary

Some researchers have also noted that the correlations between parenting styles and behaviors are sometimes weak. In many cases, the expected child outcomes do not materialize. For example, parents with authoritative styles may have children who are defiant or who engage in delinquent behavior. Parents with permissive styles may have self-confident and academically successful children.

Cultural Factors Play a Role

Cultural factors also play a significant role in parenting styles and child outcomes. There isn't a universal style of parenting that is always best. For example, while authoritative parenting is linked to better results in European and American cultures, research has also found that this style is not linked to better school performance Black and Asian youth.

Parenting styles are associated with different child outcomes, and the authoritative style is generally linked to positive behaviors such as strong self-esteem and self-competence. However, other important factors, including culture, children's temperament, children's perceptions of parental treatment, and social influences, also play an important role in children's behavior.

A Word From Verywell

Understanding more about your own parenting style can help you explore different approaches to parenting your children. If you notice that you tend to have a more strict, indulgent, or dismissive approach, there are steps that you can take to become more involved and authoritative in how you relate to your children.

Baumrind D. Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior . Genet Psychol Monogr. 1967;75(1):43-88.

Durrant J, Ensom R.  Physical punishment of children: lessons from 20 years of research .  CMAJ . 2012;184(12):1373-7. doi:10.1503/cmaj.101314

Power TG. Parenting dimensions and styles: a brief history and recommendations for future research .  Child Obes . 2013;9 Suppl(Suppl 1):S14–S21. doi:10.1089/chi.2013.0034

Kuppens S, Ceulemans E. Parenting styles: A closer look at a well-known concept .  J Child Fam Stud . 2019;28(1):168-181. doi:10.1007/s10826-018-1242-x

Alizadeh Maralani F, Mirnasab M, Hashemi T. The predictive role of maternal parenting and stress on pupils' bullying involvement .  J Interpers Violence . 2019;34(17):3691-3710. doi:10.1177/0886260516672053

Beyarslan SD, Uzer T. Psychological control and indulgent parenting predict emotional-abuse victimization in romantic relationships . Curr Psychol . 2022;41(8):5532-5545. doi:10.1007/s12144-020-01072-w

Bi X, Yang Y, Li H, Wang M, Zhang W, Deater-deckard K. Parenting styles and parent-adolescent relationships: the mediating roles of behavioral autonomy and parental authority . Front Psychol . 2018;9:2187. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02187

Huh D, Tristan J, Wade E, Stice E. Does problem behavior elicit poor parenting?: A prospective study of adolescent girls .  J Adolesc Res . 2006;21(2):185-204. doi:10.1177/0743558405285462

Bernstein DA.  Essentials of Psychology . Cengage Learning; 2013.

Benson, JB, Marshall, MH. Social and Emotional Development in Infancy and Early Childhood . Academic Press, 2009.

Macklem, GL. Practitioner's Guide to Emotion Regulation in School-Aged Children . Springer, 2008.

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

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Exploring Parental Involvement Practices of Child Rearing In Five Major Cities of Nepal

2021, Volume 1, Issue 1

Child rearing in Nepali families has evolved with parents getting aware about more scientific method of child rearing. However, the traditional child rearing practices is still dominant in majority of Nepali families. Father’s role has not been so significant during delivery and as well as prior to it. Present families with the parents’ age in the range of 25 to 40 years have adopted various types of parenting along with traditional practices. In this work, prevalent types of modern parenting styles along with how they have taken common traditional practices of child rearing have been assessed in five major cities of Nepal, namely, Itahari, Udayapur, Kathmandu, Butwal and Pokhara. Thirty-five questions were developed on the basis of Alabama Parenting Questionnaire (APQ 1991). Based on this, parents were interviewed and scores were assigned to each answer. Standard scores for authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and traditional parenting styles were generated for each parenting scores with process of division by number of corresponding questions associated with each type of parenting. Then, data were processed using MS Excel. All the cities were observed to have more than sixty percent of families who have adopted authoritative parenting style and less than ten percent were found to be in permissive parenting domain. However, all categories of parenting have constantly continued their traditional practices as well. Keywords: Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, quantitative, parenting, culture, pregnancy, postnatal, Nepal

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Gender Stereotypes and Bias in Child Rearing

How it works

For many years, child rearing has been a discussed topic. However, some of the most discussed topics are gender stereotyping and different types of biasing on children. According to Merriam-Webster, a stereotype is something that is, “”conforming to a fixed or general pattern.”” (Merriam-Webster, 2018) In the case of gender stereotyping, this would mean a person would conform to the gender norms that surround their own personal gender. These types of stereotyping and biasing can be done by parents and family members, teachers, peers, etc.

Gender stereotyping has been around for many years, however there seems to be a slight shift in the way parents are raising children today. Gender stereotyping and biases are still apart of child rearing however they do seem to be declining. This paper will discuss findings from other scholars’ research to prove the point that while gender stereotyping and biasing are still apart of child rearing, they do seem to be losing potency among today’s youth.

The first research article is based on hostility attributes in children and their parents. This study was done by Nicole E. Werner in the Washington State area. She conducted a quantitative study that measured child hostility attributions compared to those of their parents. This study was published in 2012. In her findings, Ms. Werner stated, “”I expect that children who attribute hostile intent to others, and those whose parents make hostile attributions, would engage in higher levels of relational aggression in the peer group.”” (Werner, 2012) In short, if parent’s exhibit hostile behaviors, so will their children. There was also a connection found between mothers and girl children. Girls that exhibited hostile attributes normally have mothers that exhibited similar hostile attributes. (Werner, 2012) This can be argued that this behavior is a learned bias presented by parents to their children. Gender stereotypes usually state that women are not as hostile as men, however it can become a bias when this is a behavior that children are taught. They will go back to this behavior because they are biased to it and are familiar with it. While this study is not particularly dated, it does contain theories and information from other scholars dated back to the 1990s. This study does go to show that learning bias is still apart of child rearing.

The second article discusses gender stereotypes in children’s books. This research was conducted by Dr. Sharyl B. Peterson and Dr. Mary Alyce Lach, done in a qualitative manner, and was published in 1990. While this study is somewhat dated, it does show the shift in gender stereotyping in children’s books over a period of time. The purpose of this study was to see if gender stereotypes had disappeared in children’s picture books, or if they were still a problem. The methods included gathering a sample of book from 1967, 1977, and 1987. Peterson and Lach say that in the 1967 books boys made appearances more than girl characters, were more likely to be main characters, and were more active than girl characters. In the 1977 and 1987 sample, Peterson and Lach say that female characters appeared about as much as male characters, there were more female main characters, and female characters were more active. Another interesting finding is that books geared toward younger children did not seem to have a strong gender stereotype aspect. It was books that were geared to slightly older, school aged children that have the gender stereotyping problem. They do continue to make the case that picture books can and do have an effect on the gender development on children. (Peterson and Lach, 1990) These findings are encouraging. While they did think that gender stereotyping was still a problem in children’s books, the shift in the later twenty years of the sample showed that gender stereotyping was changing for the better. Because of this, it potentially had an effect on the change in gender stereotyping in young female children and their development.

The third article takes a look at parental involvement to adolescents’ resilience and male gender role and stereotyping. This research was conducted by Baoshan Zhang, Fengqing Zhao, Chengting Ju, and Yingying Ma and was published in 2014. These researchers did a quantitative study, that involved a questionnaire, of 748 students ages 11 to 16. The main focus of their research was to make connections between parental involvement and resilience, however for the purpose of this paper male gender role and stereotyping will be the only result discussed. For results in male gender role and stereotyping, the researchers found that, “”…paternal involvement directly influenced children’s male gender-role identity and indirectly influenced adolescents’ male gender-role identity by male gender-role stereotype.”” (Zhang, Zhao, Ju, and Ma, 2012) They concluded that positive father involvement led to children developing and learning more masculine gender role characteristics and stereotypes. These findings are significant because they do go to show that gender role stereotyping is still apart of childrearing. Male and female children learned these male gender roles and stereotypes because their fathers were involved, and they fit the traditional roles and gender stereotypes.

In the fourth article, it discusses gender differences in parental wishes for their children’s future. This research was conducted by Brittany M. Wittenberg, Lauren Beverung, Arya Ansari, Deborah Jacobvitz, and Nancy Hazen, and it was published in 2017. This was a quantitative study that consisted of 126 couples ranging from ages 16 to 50. The couples in this study were pregnant and expecting children. When asked about wishes for their children, everybody answered closely. The researchers categorized answers in the following categories: well-being, particular characteristics, particular goals, protection, person achievement and responsibility, dependence on the parent, and personal fulfillment. Not surprisingly, all parents answered with well wishes in all of these categories for their children. However, the researchers did find that some answers were influenced by gender role stereotypes. For example, mothers were more likely to wish for well-being and personal fulfillment while fathers more likely wished for value achievement and independence, which includes goal achievement and personal responsibility. (Wittenberg, Beverung, Ansari, Jacobvitz, and Hazen, 2017) They also concluded that the only responses that didn’t have a gender influence were wishes for parent dependence and the child’s personal relationships. In conclusion to their results, they found that preconceived notions of gender roles and stereotypes can have an effect on the prenatal wishes that parents have for their children. (Wittenberg, Beverung, Ansari, Jacobvitz, and Hazen, 2017) These findings fit the thesis of this paper almost perfectly. This study is very much up to date about childrearing, and it does show that gender role stereotypes have taken a turn when discussing the wishes for children. Granted, the stereotypes are still there, however they seem to not be as pronounced as they once were.

In the fifth and final article, language towards children is discussed. This article is written by Dr. Tasha E. Bluiett, and it was published in September 2018. Bluiett makes the case than children learn from a very early age their gender roles and identities. As early as preschool, children make gender role-based choices such as which toys to play with, what clothes to wear, etc. (Bluiett, 2018) According to Bluiett, children learn these choice making tendencies and ways of speaking from parents, media, and peers. It is almost like a domino effect. Children learn these gender stereotype ways of speaking, and they practice it on each other. Bluiett uses an example stating that little girls were pretend playing a wedding. When one asked if another male classmate could participate, one girl said no because the game was for girls only. (Bluiett, 2018) Sadly, until a change is made all around, gender role stereotypes will still continue to be a problem. This article is relevant to this topic because it shows that gender role stereotypes are still a learned behavior to children.

Gender stereotypes are still apart of child rearing, and it is still seen in children today. Girls and boys are given guidelines on how to act, what and how to say things, what to wear, what to play with, etc. It is because of child rearing ways and methods that children have these stereotypes presented to them. Child rearing is not just the job of parents. Teachers, extended family members, media, etc. are all apart of normal child rearing. However, as seen in the articles listed above, these gender roles and stereotypes have taken a decline. For example, children’s books are becoming less gender biased and are not enforcing gender role stereotypes any longer. Another example is that parents are not wanting to push gender role stereotypes or biases on their children as much anymore. This can be seen in an article above. Parents overall want their children to be happy and to depend on their parents when it is needed. While the shift in gender role stereotypes and bias has been small, it does seem that the shift will continue so that children will not have to grow up in the constraints that gender role stereotypes and bias provide.

In conclusion, gender roles, stereotypes, and biases are declining in child rearing. They are still there, but the shift to more gender neutral children rearing has started. The shift and change can only prove to be a positive change for children and our society. It will be positive because with less gender norms, children can truly be anything they want to be without fear from parents, family, or society. While it is very difficult to raise gender neutral children, we can only hope this trend continues. With new research, society changes and changes in child rearing will prove if it will continue.

References:

Bluiett, T. (2018). THE LANGUAGE OF PLAY AND GENDER-ROLE STEREOTYPES. Education,139(1), 38-42. Retrieved November 15, 2018, from http://www.projectinnovation.com/education.html

Peterson, S. B., & Lach, M. A. (1990). Gender Stereotypes in Childrens Books: Their prevalence and influence on cognitive and affective development. Gender and Education,2(2), 185-197. doi:10.1080/0954025900020204

Stereotype. (2018). Retrieved November 15, 2018, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stereotype

Werner, N. E. (2012). Do Hostile Attribution Biases in Children and Parents Predict Relationally Aggressive Behavior? The Journal of Genetic Psychology,173(3), 221-245. doi:10.1080/00221325.2011.600357

Wittenberg, B. M., Beverung, L., Ansari, A., Jacobvitz, D., & Hazen, N. (2017). Gender Differences in Parents’ Prenatal Wishes for their Children’s Future: A Mixed-Methods Study. Journal of Child and Family Studies,26(7), 1865-1874. doi:10.1007/s10826-017-0713-9

Zhang, B., Zhao, F., Ju, C., & Ma, Y. (2014). Paternal Involvement as Protective Resource of Adolescents’ Resilience: Roles of Male Gender-Role Stereotype and Gender. Journal of Child and Family Studies,24(7), 1955-1965. doi:10.1007/s10826-014-9995-3

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Child Rearing Psychological Patterns in Japan and the United States Essay

Introduction, attitudes towards spanking in the united states and japan, effectiveness of spanking as a way of correcting a child’s behaviour, psychological consequences spanking, my personal opinion on spanking, conclusions.

The Science Daily (2008) confirms that spanking has been on the decrease for the past thirty years. Nonetheless, spanking is the most prevalent way of punishing children in our society. A study by Chang, Pettit and Katsurada (n.d.) states that scholarly information on physical punishment is limited. Nonetheless, there are major differences between child rearing patterns in Japan and the United States.

For that reason, physical punishments in these two countries differ in a number of ways. For instance, the circumstance under which spanking is applied in Japan is different from that in the US. Moreover, the part of the body spanked also differs. In addition, spanking is a divisive topic. Some people argue that it is an effective way of instilling discipline in children. However, others feel that it is the most ineffective method of disciplining a child.

In addition, there is proof that spanking affects a child psychologically. Therefore, parents should try other behavioral modification methods to correct children behaviors before reverting to spanking. This paper examines the differences in spanking between the US and Japan. In addition, it also tries to find out if spanking actually works and whether it has any potential psychological impacts on its recipients

Most studies have shown that there are major differences between spanking practiced in the US and that practiced in Japan. These differences are a reflection of the cultural backgrounds of the two countries. For that reason, the attitude towards spanking differs depending on the culture.

Therefore, country of origin greatly determines whether a parent spanks a child or not. Japanese parents emphasize on conformity to group values while parents from the US encourage independence and individualism. Cultures that prefer conformity in child rearing are more likely to use corporal punishments than those preferring independence. For that reason, it can be concluded that spanking is more prevalent in Japan than in the Unites States.

A national survey in Japan indicated that more than half of Japanese parents agree that spanking is necessary in rearing a child. In addition, about half of the parents interviewed admitted that they sometimes spank their children. These parents argued that children feel loved by their parents when spanked.

However, most Japanese believe that use of physical punishment depends on the situation. For that reason, not all mistakes, made by children, are punishable by spanking in Japan. On the other hand, spanking in the United States depends on certain factors. Examples of these factors include race, religion, education, gender and age. Many studies show that mothers are more likely to physically punish children than fathers.

Additionally, religious people practice spanking more than non-religious people. For instance, the Baptist Church is known to be a strong defender of spanking. Therefore, spanking is a common occurrence in conservative religious families in the US. Interestingly, in the US, girls are less likely to be spanked than boys.

What a given culture refers to as a being abusive to a child may be condoned in another culture. Therefore, the context and type of spanking differs between Japan and the US. For instance, in the US, parents administer spanking on the bottoms and hands. On the other hand, in Japan, parts of the body that are frequently used in spanking are the head and face.

The effectiveness of spanking has always elicited a heated debate . A more recent debate, on this topic, was conducted by CNN. In this debate, Zeidler (2012) sought to find out whether spanking really works. The debate, however, proved that spanking is a divisive topic. For that reason, it had its supporters and critics. Some parents believed that spanking, when applied in a non-abusive way, is an effective tool in the upbringing of a child.

These parents believe that children have to be taught discipline in order to function well in the society. Therefore, spanking is occasionally required to teach them a few lessons in life. However, some parents maintain that any form of physical punishment is abusive to a child. To them, physical punishment fills a child with shame. A child feels embarrassed after being spanked. Moreover, this feeling is translated into low esteem or aggressiveness. In addition, shame results into depression and anxiety.

However, effectiveness of spanking depends on the age of a child. For instance, a two-year old child may believe that a spank means that he should discontinue the behaviour that led to the spank. However, older children are used to these spanks. For that reason, spanking is meaningless to them. The CNN discussion concludes that it has never been proven that any style of discipline produces results in all children.

Therefore, spanking and other forms of disciplines sometimes work or amount to nothing in other circumstances. However, Rochman (2012) claims that a decade long research found out that spanking does not produce long-term results. In the short-term, it may transform the behaviour of a child, but affects a child negatively in the long-run.

Spanking has serious psychological impacts on children. Zeidler (2012) states that spanking leads to psychological problems such as drug abuse, mood and anxiety disorders and personal disorders. In addition, Castelloe (2012) states that spanking reduces developmental growth and the intelligent quotient (IQ) of a child. Therefore, spanking results into cognitive impairments and developmental difficulties in children.

For that reason, debate on spanking should now revolve around medicine. People have dwelled too much on the ethical dimensions of spanking. There is proof that the gray matter in the brain is diminished by spanking. Grey matter determines the intelligence and the learning capabilities of a child. Moreover, it affects parts of the brain that control emotions. This explains why spanked children are high-tempered or physically aggressive. Children prone to spanking are also vulnerable to depression.

Furthermore, spanked children also conduct themselves in an anti-social way. Spanked children are also six times more likely to be physically aggressive than those who are not spanked. Additionally, they have high probabilities of being juvenile delinquents, drug addicts and abusive to their spouses in adulthood. Spanking also makes children believe that learning takes place through punishments. Therefore, spanking teaches a child that conflicts are resolved using violence.

There is a proverb that states that “spare the rod and spoil the child”. Therefore, if children are not aware that a given society has rules and there are punishments for bad behaviors, they will grow up as unproductive members of that society. For that reason, they adopt a culture that condones lazinenes and disrespect to other people. Accordingly, spanking should be used to deter behaviors that are extremely bad.

However, spanking should not be done in anger. Moreover, a child must be asked to explain why he is being spanked. If he fails to do so, then, a parent or a guardian must explain to the child why he is being spanked. This helps the child maintain a relationship with the person spanking him. Moreover, this enables a child understand that the spanking is justified. However, some parents abuse spanking by overdoing it. In this regard, they leave permanent injuries or scars on a child.

Nonetheless, I do not believe that spanking should be an immediate option in punishing a child. Expression of anger towards a child is detrimental to his growth and development. Physical punishments such as spanking are ways in which a parent expresses anger on a child.

Some parents express their anger and frustration on their children through spanking, but pretend that they are disciplining them. The Science Daily (2008) links spanking to physical abuse. For that reason, spanking increases the likelihood of child abuse. For instance, parents who spank their children also use other harsher punishments on their children. However, I only relate spanking to child abuse when a parent uses an object to spank a child.

Parents cannot teach their children not to hit others when they occasionally spank them. For that reason, a child grows knowing that hitting others represents authority. Furthermore, when a parent hits a child, he instills fear in him. This affects his future dealings with the child.

Subsequently, a child sees his parent as a mere source of power rather than a source of love, care and inspiration. In addition, spanking brings about inferiority complex in children. Moreover, spanking hardens a child. For that reason, a child becomes used to the spanking and develops a hardcore behaviour. This child is, therefore, likely to become a juvenile delinquent.

To me, spanking should be used only when parents have exhausted other methods of punishing a child. There are other effective punishments that are less injurious to a child. Examples of these punishments include reduced pocket money and grounding. Children are also more likely to learn when calm. Therefore, instead of frightening them with spanks, a parent should try to talk them out of trouble using more peaceful means. In this way, their brains will be more alert than when stressed.

Moreover, instances of psychological disorders will be minimized. Additionally, children should be provided with alternatives to their bad behaviors. Grounding or spanking them without giving them alternatives does not help them in any way. In fact, there is a high probability that they will repeat the mistake. Therefore, involving a child in modifying his behaviour instills discipline in him and leaves his self esteem intact.

Spanking practiced in the US differs from that practiced in Japan. Additionally, spanking has serious psychological effects on a child. Spanking leads to low self esteem, reduces trust between a child and his parents and breaks communication. Furthermore, in the long-run, spanking leads to criminal or other undesirable behaviors.

Therefore, spanking results to behaviors that parent strive to avoid in their children. Although spanking stops certain behaviors in children, it is less effective than other methods of correcting a child’s behaviour. Therefore, parents must use it as the last option in parenting.

Chang, I. J., Petit, R. W. & Katsurada, E. Where and when to spank: A comparison between US and Japanese college students . Web.

Castelloe, M. S. (2012). How spanking harms the brain . Web.

Rochman, B. (2012). Why spanking doesn’t work . Web.

Science. (2008). Study shows link between spanking and physical abuse . Web.

Zeidler, S. (2012,). To spank or not to spank, where do you draw the line? CNN. Web.

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IvyPanda. (2024, January 5). Child Rearing Psychological Patterns in Japan and the United States. https://ivypanda.com/essays/psychology-5/

"Child Rearing Psychological Patterns in Japan and the United States." IvyPanda , 5 Jan. 2024, ivypanda.com/essays/psychology-5/.

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IvyPanda . 2024. "Child Rearing Psychological Patterns in Japan and the United States." January 5, 2024. https://ivypanda.com/essays/psychology-5/.

1. IvyPanda . "Child Rearing Psychological Patterns in Japan and the United States." January 5, 2024. https://ivypanda.com/essays/psychology-5/.

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IvyPanda . "Child Rearing Psychological Patterns in Japan and the United States." January 5, 2024. https://ivypanda.com/essays/psychology-5/.

• The Controversies of Spanking: Effect of Regular Spanking
• Parents Should Spank Their Children
• Spanking as an Alternative for Punishing Children
• Why Spanking Is Acceptable in Parenting
• Children Spanking: Corporal Punishment in America
• Spanking Should Not Be Allowed
• Corporal Punishment of Preschoolers
• Pro Spanking in Schools
• Spanking Is Harmful to Children
• Spanking as a Form of Discipline
• Cross-Cultural Psychology Study
• Are workers motivated by individual rewards or by a social life?
• Pieces of the Personality Puzzle: Individual Psychology Theory
• Nature vs. Nurture
• Human Development: Adolescence as the Most Important Age Range

When Your Every Decision Feels Torturous

Neel Mukherjee’s new novel explores the reality that no choice—particularly as a parent—is perfect.

When I got pregnant last year, I began reading online about parenting and found myself confronted with an overwhelming quantity of choices. On social media, how-to graphics and videos abound, as do doctrines about the one true way to discipline your children, or feed them, or get them to sleep through the night. Parent forums, blogs, and product - recommendation sites are full of suggestions for the only swaddle that works, the formula that tastes milkiest, the clicking animatronic crab that will get your tummy-time-averse baby to hold her head high. Scrolling through all of this advice can make it seem as though parenting is largely about informed, research-based decision-making—that choosing the right gadgets and the right philosophy will help parenting itself go right.

This logic can feel particularly visceral for a parent considering how to be a good steward of the environment. (Do I genuinely need a special $160 blender to avoid giving my baby prepackaged food? Or can I just mash steamed veggies with a fork?) Worrying about waste can turn into a variation on the pursuit of perfect parenting—but not worrying about it is illogical. Our children will inherit the climate crisis. Personal decisions cannot undo that fact; can, indeed, hardly mitigate it. Deciding to be a parent anyway means you had better hope that our species and societies can work out a new way to thrive on a changing, warming, conflict-riddled planet—because if not, what have you done?

Choice , the Booker Prize–nominated writer Neel Mukherjee’s fourth novel, addresses this question head-on. It’s a triptych novel in the vein of Susan Choi’s Trust Exercise and Lisa Halliday’s Asymmetry , which use their three parts to repeatedly surprise and challenge readers. Compared with these novels, Choice is both more ambitious and less successful, harmed by the fact that its second and third sections just cannot compete with its blistering first.

But that first section is a barn burner. Mukherjee starts Choice with the story of Ayush, an editor at a prestigious London publishing house, whose obsession with the climate crisis lands somewhere between religious fervor and emotional disorder—especially as far as his kids are concerned. Ayush and his economist husband, Luke, have twin children, Masha and Sasha, and his portion of Choice is a beautiful, horrifying, detailed, and messy evocation of parenthood, full of diapers and dirty dishes and “Can you help Daddy make dinner?” It also presents having children as a moral crisis, a stumbling block Ayush can’t get past. He tries bitterly to lessen his family’s consumption—we see him measuring the exact amount of water in which to cook the twins’ pasta, boiling it in the electric kettle because he’s read that it uses less energy than a stovetop pot —but he can’t get away from the belief that Masha and Sasha are “not going to have a future anyway.” His conviction that they’re doomed weighs more and more heavily on his parenting decisions, eventually convincing him that he can no longer parent at all.

Readers meet Ayush in a scene nearly too painful to read. Home alone with his kindergarten-age twins, Ayush skips their bedtime story in favor of a documentary about an abattoir. Mukherjee describes this moment in vivid visual detail, contrasting the children’s sweet bedroom decor (cherries on the bedding; sea creatures on the night-light) to the laptop screen, which shows slaughtered pigs on a floor “so caked with layers of old solidified blood and fresh new infusion that it looks like a large wedge of fudgy chocolate cake.” Unsurprisingly, the twins sob hysterically as the video plays; their distress upsets Ayush so acutely that he cannot talk. But rather than comfort them once he regains speech, he doubles down on the decision that he has to teach them about cruelty to animals—and about their complicity in it. He puts his children to bed not with an apology or a lullaby, but with the stern reminder that “what you saw was how our meat comes to us.”

Read: The books that help me raise children in a broken world

Ayush seems like a monster in this scene—and not an unfeeling one, which signals to the reader that he may be as much tortured as torturer. Mukherjee swiftly makes it apparent that this is the case. We see him begging Luke to help teach their too-young children to weigh the morality of “things that don’t appear to be choices,” such as eating meat; Luke, in turn, begs Ayush to examine the roots of his unhappiness and anxiety, his compulsion to conserve energy far beyond what could reasonably be useful. Ayush yearns to “shake off his human form” and become one with nature—or, more ominously, vanish into it. At one point, Ayush takes his children to explore some woods outside London, an activity that many parents might relate to: He wants to share the wonder of the natural world with his children, both as a bonding activity and as a lesson in ecological stewardship. But he can’t focus on Masha and Sasha. What he hears instead is that the “great trees are breathing; Ayush wants to still his heart to hear them.” Mukherjee only implies this, but it seems that all Ayush’s experiences lead to this paradox: His love for the Earth makes him want to erase himself from it.

Ayush’s relationship with his children is also shaped by a desire to remove himself, as well as a significant amount of attendant guilt. He is the twins’ primary parent, despite the fact that he never wanted children—a revelation that Mukherjee builds to slowly. Ayush’s anxieties about choosing parenthood are legion. He’s upset by the ecological impact of adding to the Earth’s human population, and believes that his twins will face a future of walled cities and climate refugeeism. Having grown up South Asian in Britain, he’s frightened of exposing children to the racism he’s faced his whole life; he also has a half-buried but “fundamental discomfort about gay parenting,” of which he is ashamed. Most of all, before having children, he didn’t want to have a baby who could become like him—“a consumed, jittery, unsettled creature.” His own unhappiness, he feels, should have precluded him from having children. Yet he acquiesced, a choice he partly disavows by suppressing his memory of why he did. Not only does he go along with having children; he takes daily responsibility for raising them.

On the surface, this is the case because Ayush earns less than Luke, a dynamic the novel explores with nuance. In straight partnerships, the question of who parents more is very often gendered, which Mukherjee acknowledges: At one point, Luke, who has a big job and generational wealth, dismisses Ayush with a sexist reference to the “pin-money” he earns in publishing. But there are more layers here. Ayush, it seems, takes responsibility for his children in order to atone for not having wanted them. Luke, who pushed for fatherhood, is the more patient and affectionate parent, while Ayush is busy fretting over the environmental impact of disposable diapers. Luke is also much kinder and more open to Ayush than Ayush is to him: Although Luke is an economist, with a genuine belief in the rationality that undergirds his discipline, he’s motivated far more by his emotions than his ideas.

Ayush believes himself to be the opposite. His domestic decisions are often logical (or logical-seeming) responses to climate anxieties, but this impulse becomes more disturbing as it influences his child-rearing. Sometimes, he seems to care more about raising Masha and Sasha as environmentalists than he does about any other aspect of their upbringing—almost as though he wants to offset having had them to begin with. He doesn’t necessarily want to be this way: After the somewhat-failed forest outing, Ayush takes the twins on a walk around London and teaches them to come up with similes and metaphors to describe what they see, making a game of comparing dandelions to egg yolks and lemons. Here, he successfully keeps his attention on his children, but he still spins a tender moment into one of moral exigency. “Will this remain in their memory,” he wonders, “make them look up and out, make them notice, and, much more importantly, notice again?” For Ayush, this qualifies as optimism. He’s trying to control his children’s way of seeing the world, but he is also trying to offer them the gift of coexisting, happily, with the Earth.

Read: The book that captures my life as a dad

Mukherjee does give Ayush one way of communing peacefully with nature: his relationship with his dog, Spencer. The writer Joy Williams has said that any work of fiction should have an “animal within to give its blessing,” which Spencer certainly does in Choice. Mukherjee describes Ayush’s devotion to his dog in lush detail; the book’s most beautiful passages have Spencer in them. Ayush’s heart breaks when he realizes that Luke does not see “you, me, and the dog” as family enough; it breaks far more deeply when Spencer grows too old to “bound to the door … surprised by joy, impatient as the wind, when any member of his family comes in.” Among Ayush’s most treasured memories is a spring morning with Spencer: Then a puppy, he had rolled in wild flowers so that his “silky golden throat and chest had smelled of violets for a brief second, then the scent had disappeared. Ayush had sat on the ground, sniffing Spencer’s chest for another hit of that elusive perfume, but it was gone.”

Ayush plainly sees Spencer as his child, and yet the dog also gives him a way to experience the “elusive perfume” of a pleasurable connection with the planet. As Spencer ages and that link is harder to sense, Ayush’s unhappiness grows. He understands that he is grieving preemptively for Spencer, but the approaching loss of his dog—an event he cannot control or avoid—does not motivate him to snuggle with Spencer or prepare his children for the loss. Instead, it makes him want to leave his family when Spencer does—as if, without the connection to nature that the dog offers, he can no longer bear to be caged in his family home.

By the end of his section of Choice , Ayush has completely lost the ability to make rational decisions. He betrays Spencer in a scene perhaps even more painful than the book’s opening, thinking that he’s doing his beloved dog a service; he also betrays his children, his husband, his life. All of his efforts to control his family’s ecological impact, to do the right research and calculations, to impart all the right moral lessons, lead directly, maybe inexorably, to this tragic point. At the novel’s start, he tells Luke that he wants their kids to understand “choices and their consequences.” But it ultimately becomes clear that he can’t accept the consequences of his choice to have children. He can’t save the planet for his children; nor can he save it from them—and so, rather than committing to guiding them into a future he can’t choose or control, he abdicates his responsibility for them.

Mukherjee leaves Ayush’s family behind rather than linger on the aftermath of these betrayals. He moves on to two narratives the reader will recognize as parts of books that Ayush edited: first a story about a young English academic who begins meddling in—and writing about—the life of an Eritrean rideshare driver, then an essay by a disillusioned economist who describes the misery that ensues when an aid organization gives a Bengali family a cow that is meant to lift them from poverty, but radically worsens their situation instead. Mukherjee imbues these sections with a propulsive mix of anger and grace, but neither is especially complicated. Emily, the academic, has no one who depends on her, and her odd choices concerning the rideshare driver, Salim, have no real consequences for anyone but herself. Sabita, the mother of the family that gets the cow, is so wholly at the mercy of her material conditions that choice is hardly a relevant concept to her—something that she understands, though the cow-providing “people from the city” do not.

Emily’s section primarily serves as a portrait of choice amid abundance. Sabita’s, meanwhile, underscores the central idea of Ayush’s: that our efforts at control are, by and large, delusions. For parents, this can be especially painful to accept. We want our choices to guarantee our children’s safety, their comfort, their happiness. For Ayush, who believes fervently that his twins will grow up to inhabit a “burning world,” the fact that he can’t choose something better for them drives him away from them. By not showing the consequences of Ayush’s actions, Mukherjee leaves incomplete the book’s exploration of parenting. What his abdication means to Masha, Sasha, and Luke is hidden. What it means to the reader, though, is clear. In Choice , there is no such thing as a perfect decision or a decision guaranteed to go right. There are only misjudgments and errors—and the worst of those are the ones that can never be undone.

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The Parents Who Regret Having Children

N o one regrets having a child, or so it’s said. I’ve heard this logic often, usually after I’m asked if I have children, then, when I say I don’t, if I plan to. I tend to evade the question, as I find that the truth—I have no plans to be a parent—is likely to invite swift dissent. I’ll be told I’ll change my mind, that I’m wrong, and that while I’ll regret not having a child, people don’t regret the obverse. Close family, acquaintances, and total strangers have said this for years; I let it slide, knowing that, at the very least, the last part is a fiction.

It is, unsurprisingly, a challenge to get solid data on the number of parents who regret having children. In 1975, the popular advice columnist Ann Landers asked her readers if, given the chance to do it all over again, they’d have children. Seventy percent said they wouldn’t; this result, though, came from a group of self-selecting respondents. “The hurt, angry and disenchanted” are more inclined to write back than contented people, as Landers observed in a follow-up 1976 column . But in 2013, a Gallup poll asked Americans 45 and older how many kids they’d have if they could go back in time. Seven percent of the respondents with children said zero. And in 2023, a study estimated that up to 5% to 14% of parents in so-called developed countries, including the United States, regret their decision to have children.

These studies align with what I've found in my personal life: While most parents don’t regret having kids, some do. Perhaps in part because I’ve written publicly about choosing not to have children , I’ve had people, especially mothers, confide in me about parental regret, and frequently enough I’ve lost count.

Read More: Why So Many Women Are Waiting Longer to Have Kids

Most of the time—whether I hear it in passing, quickly, from a stranger at a literary event, or late at night from a beloved friend—this kind of revelation arises from a place of anguish. Some of these parents talk about feeling utterly alone, like villains past all imagining. Several have noted that, afraid of being judged, they decline to be candid with their own therapists. If asked what I think, I reply that, from what I’m hearing, they’re not alone. Not at all. I hope it helps; I’m told, at times, it does. It’s a physic to which I’ve devoted my life: asked why I write, I often respond that books, words have provided vital fellowship during spells of harsh isolation, when I thought that solitude and its attendant, life-torquing evils—shame, guilt, the pain of exile—might kill me.

Meanwhile, I’m so often advised that I’ll be a parent that, though I’m sure I won’t, I still prod at this ghost self, trying on its shape, asking what I’d do if I felt obliged to adopt this spectral, alternate life as mine. For here’s the next question people tend to broach if I indicate I don’t plan on having kids: what does my husband think? I find this odd, a little prying—do people think I didn’t discuss this topic with him, at length, long before we pledged to share a life?—but the question also rings the alarm bell of one of my own great fears. If I respond with the truth, that he feels exactly as I do, here’s the usual follow-up: but what if he changes his mind?

Read More: Why I Have Zero Regrets About My Childless Life

I have friends who long for kids, and I know the need to be potent, inarguable, as primal as my desire to go without. I’ve seen parent friends’ faces open with love as they watch their small children sing to living-room karaoke, the adults radiating joy as laughing tots carol and bop. Should my husband’s mind change, I can picture the rift that would open wide, dividing us. Either I’d deprive him of what he needs, or I’d give in, birthing a child I don’t want. Or, and this prospect is painful enough that it hurts to type the words, our lives would have to diverge. No bridge of compromise can quite traverse the rift: as King Solomon knew, there are no half-children.

This fear is so salient that I turned it into a pivotal tension in my upcoming novel, Exhibit : a celebrated photographer and her husband agreed they both don’t want children, but he wakes up one day realizing he does, and powerfully so. She’s certain she ought not be a parent; he’s pining for a child; they love each other very much. Short on joint paths forward, they have no idea what to do next.

Parental regret springs from a range of origins, not all having to do with privation of choice or means. In and before a post- Dobbs U.S., people have given birth against their will. The cost of raising a child runs high; for parents lacking funds and support, dire hardship can result. It’s a lack far too typical in the U.S., where there’s no federally mandated paid parental leave, and families are often priced out of childcare . But this regret isn’t a phenomenon limited to people in grave financial straits, nor to those forced into parenting. Other parents, all through the world, also wish they’d elected otherwise.

In recent months, as I waited for the publication of the novel I worked on for nine years, I kept returning to the plight I’d explored: I hadn’t yet finished wondering what I might do, how I’d live, if. And though I’d heard a range of chronicles of parental regret, as have other friends without kids, the stories were related one-on-one, in private. It’s a taboo subject, one made all the more difficult, punitive, by the ubiquitous belief that people who feel as they do either can’t or ought not exist.

Read More: Does Marriage Really Make People Happier? A Discussion

I’ve also thought about the isolating effect of silence, and what it can cost to live in hiding. I wanted to talk with parents who, if they could go back in time, might make different choices—and who’d also agree to be quoted. It was, again unsurprisingly, hard to find people willing to speak with me on the record about parental regret. I promised to alter the names of each parent I interviewed for this piece. Even so, people were skittish.

“I don't think that everyone is made for children,” says Helen, a high school teacher in her 40s. And telling people that their purpose is to reproduce is destructive, she adds. It’s what she heard growing up: though Helen wanted to take Latin in high school, her mother forced her to enroll in home economics instead. “I don't think I ever decided to have kids. I was pretty much just told that that's what you do. That's what girls are for,” Helen says.

As a result, Helen makes sure to tell her students that having children is an option, one that might not be right for them. She says the same thing to her kids, both girls. “I think that people need to know that just being themselves is enough,” she says.

Read More: Why You Should Think Before Telling Mothers 'They're Only Little Once'

At this point, half an hour into a phone call, Helen has cried, briefly, a couple of times. Now, I’m the one tearing up. I tell Helen I grew up in a predominantly Christian Korean American community. The primacy of having kids is built into the Korean language: I knew most Korean adults only as “the mother of x” or “the father of y.” I might have felt less strange if I’d had a Helen at my high school. While I didn’t quite, at any point, decide against being a parent—I didn’t have to, since I had no inkling of the urge in the first place—I also never heard it said that there might be an alternative.

“And if you thought there was any other way to live, there's something wrong with you,” Helen says.

I ask what she’d do if she had more time to herself. “I would write. I would take walks,” she replies. “I enjoyed writing academic papers. I enjoyed writing them for my master's.” It used to upset her when classes were too easy. Given the chance, she would think for hours without interruption. She’d take up further studies.

And if she could inhabit the person she was before she became a parent? “I would have stopped that pregnancy before it happened.” But that’s the part Helen’s never said to her daughters, who, after all, didn’t ask to be born. She’s hell-bent on raising them well, not taking out any regrets on the girls. “I love them. I just don't love the choice I made.”

Each parent I talk to points out this dividing line: it’s possible to have strong, lasting regrets about a life choice while ferociously loving—and caring for—the fruit of that decision. Paul, a Canadian father of young boys, notes that though he could write a book on everything he resents having lost as a result of becoming a parent, he also would do anything for his kids. Paul’s boys are the loves of his life. Still, overall, fathering has been detrimental to his well-being.

“My body is constantly on standby, waiting for the next disaster,” Paul says. “As an introvert, I also deeply resent having no private time.” He’s fatigued and never at ease, finding all aspects of child-rearing to be stressful. It’s not a problem that would be resolved if he had more caretaking support. “I do have help with the kids from family, and I know if I asked for more help, I'd get it,” he tells me, but he often refuses help because he believes that, as a father, it's his job to take on the brunt of tasks that attend parenting.

Instead, what Paul lacks, in terms of support, is people with whom he can be honest. “I don't have anyone to talk to about parental regret,” he says. He wishes he had more spaces where parents aren't publicly shamed for feeling trapped or stifled. And though he’d felt ambivalent about becoming a father, and it was his husband who first decided he wanted a child, he hasn’t let this initial split in longing drive them apart. With his husband, as with the other people in his life, he's quiet about his regret: “As much as I might feel his desire to be a parent has led me to my decision, that decision was also my own.”

People have asked how I learned that not having kids might be an option. I live in San Francisco, where I’m hardly the only person with no kids—out of the major U.S. cities, San Francisco has the smallest percentage of children —but even so, for some people, having kids can feel so fated that they talk about not having imagined otherwise.

One friend who’s asked this question has told me she felt regret during the first years of her child’s life, but that, as her child got older, the rue left. For other parents, though, the regret proves lasting. Robin, who has adult offspring in their 40s, says that, to this day, if she could reverse time, she would “certainly not have a baby ever, not under any circumstances.” She notes that she’d had no notion of what being a parent can entail. Having grown up in an affluent, cheerful family, she was glad to have children with her husband, figuring that “it all just looked like a romantic, happy road.”

Instead, after electing to be a stay-at-home mother, Robin found herself in what she calls “the domestic gulag,” a life that consisted of being “a chauffeur and an arranger and an appointment setter and a social secretary and a party planner and a chef and a meal planner and a budgeter” and “an emergency nurse and a night nurse and a psychologist and a confidant.”

Robin also, like the other parents I spoke to, felt responsible for raising her children well, teaching them how to lead “good, honorable, happy” lives, striving to instill and model integrity and kindness. It was a daily, 20-year effort all the more crushing since, each morning, waking up, she’d recall the day’s to-do list and know that she didn’t want to do any of it.

Replying to my questions, Robin keeps having to pause to take phone calls from a nurse caring for her ill, elderly aunt. There’s no one else in Robin’s family who’ll fill the role, she says, so it’s up to her to look after her aunt’s well-being. I’m conscious that I’m telling you this because I’m alive to what at least some readers will think about Helen, Paul, and Robin: that the act of admitting to regret ipso facto convicts them as bad, unfit parents. As, that is, evil people. They know it, too, and are as afraid of being recognized as they are intent on telling people what they’re living through—hoping, with a fervor I recognize from my bygone life as an evangelical Christian, to prevent others’ misery.

Hoping to ease others’ solitude, too. Online forums aside, there are almost no spaces where a parent can discuss regret. Some of this is for good reason—no child should have to hear that they’re regretted—but what other human experience is there about which one will probably be judged a monster for having any regret at all?

One problem is that our culture wants just one kind of story about parenting, and it’s a story of “pure joy,” says Yael Goldstein-Love, a writer and psychotherapist in California whose clinical practice focuses on people who are adapting to parenthood. But, Goldstein-Love says, people often experience grief in the transition to being a parent, grief for the life they might have inhabited otherwise. “Part of what makes the grief unspeakable is that there's always a strand of this regret,” she adds.

While Goldstein-Love hasn’t had patients bring it up, she also has friends who confide in her about parental regret. I mention the alacrity with which people can lunge to say that no parent feels regret, that it’s impossible. I ask if, perhaps, this type of remorse poses an existential threat, belying an ideal picture of what we might be to our own parents. Is this an aspect of why people can be so quick to refute the notion that regret can, and does, happen?

Absolutely, she replies: Most people want to believe that our parents felt nothing but delight about raising us. “They never regretted a moment. They never hated us. And that's bullsh-t.” I ask Goldstein-Love what she’d tell parents who wish they had made another choice.

“To the extent that you can, and this is much easier said than done, try not to feel ashamed of this.” It’s tempting, she explains, to judge how we feel about life experiences, asking ourselves, “Does this make me a good person? Does this make me a bad person? Am I doing this right? Am I doing this wrong?”

But feelings aren’t inherently “truly ugly,” Goldstein-Love says. “They just are.” It’s what people make of their feelings that might be “ugly or not.” Some people don’t find joy in parenting, let alone pure joy, “and that’s also fine.” Regret is not itself a threat to a parent’s love for a child, and it can help to admit, even to oneself, that which might feel unspeakable. “I really would encourage people to realize that you are not alone in this feeling,” she says.

I think of the halting conversations I’ve been having with parents, and the difficulty with which people talk about regret. Few choices are less irreversible than deciding to be a parent: once the child is born, a person is here who didn’t previously exist. But I also wonder who’s being served well by a monolithic idea that no one regrets being a parent. Not these parents; not, as some of the people I’ve spoken with have pointed out, any kids who pick up on parental regret and think it can’t happen, except to them. If more people had the support to make reproductive choices based on their own desires and life situations, and if the monolith were spalled in favor of plural narratives that better reflect the complexities of human experience, what then?

I think of the people who have spoken to me about regret and isolation, including those I haven’t yet mentioned—a mother finishing nursing school in Mississippi, a mother of five in Nebraska, and all the privately confiding parents. One parent asks at the end of our conversation, “What have other parents said? Was it the same thing? Was it the same thing as me?”

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PEOPLE’s Best Books to Read in May 2024: Tom Selleck and Tiffany Haddish Share Joy and Pain of Fame in New Memoirs

See our picks for the best books of the month

From novels about survival and friendship, to new memoirs from Tom Selleck and Tiffany Haddish  — here are PEOPLE's picks for the best books of May 2024.

'I Curse You with Joy' by Tiffany Haddish

Diversion Books

In the follow-up to her 2017 bestseller The Last Black Unicorn , Haddish returns with a new collection of insightful, reflective essays, writing on topics like the lasting effect of childhood trauma and comedy mentorship from Bob Saget.

“I’ve learned to take tomatoes being thrown at me and turn them into tomato sauce,” the actress tells PEOPLE . “And I’m going to make some spaghetti.”

''You Never Know' by Tom Selleck

Dey Street Books

The Emmy Award -winning actor is looking back on his "lucky life" and career, from his days on Magnum, P.I. to his role as a family man.

“I don’t have the hooks that a lot of people do,” Selleck tells PEOPLE . “I didn’t rehabilitate myself or have this tragic life. I had my own share of certainly ups and downs, but I’ve been very fortunate.”

'By the Time You Read This: The Space between Cheslie's Smile and Mental Illness' by April Simpkins and Cheslie Kryst

Forefront Books

When Extra correspondent and 2019 Miss USA Cheslie Kryst died by suicide in 2022, her mother, April Simpkins, thought that "my body is just going to shut down." Now, Simpkins has fulfilled her daughter's wish of finishing and publishing her memoir.

 "I know there were people who were shocked and did not understand," Simpkins tells PEOPLE . "But when I got to a point that I could process the things that she was saying, I understood the place where she was."

'Daughters of Shandong' by Eve J. Chung

Throw open the doors of your heart for the lionhearted girls of Chung’s gripping debut, based on her own family’s history. Along with their mother, Hai, Di and baby Lan are left behind when their wealthy family flees the Communists: As females, they are that worthless. Finding no landowner at home, the cadres drag Hai to a denunciation rally she barely survives. But these women just keep overcoming the odds—they are heroines for the ages. — Marion Winik

'Reunion' by Elise Juska

A quaint Maine college lures three friends out of pandemic sequestration for their 25th reunion, spurring an intense reevaluation of their lives. A pitch-perfect depiction of New England campus culture, COVID-era child-rearing and how the complexities of adulthood accumulate.  — Claire Martin

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