23 Hilarious One-Star Amazon Movie Reviews That Make Perfect Sense
I used to just blindly watch every single movie I could get my hands on, but that was back before I got into reading movie reviews. Movie reviews used to be done by professionals but now, thankfully, people who have no idea how to watch movies do them. If you’re thinking about watching a flick, pop over to Amazon and read some one star reviews. They’ll either make you less interested, or way, way more interested.
41 One-Star Movie Reviews That Are Equal Parts Hilarious And Baffling
31. air bud.
32. Avengers: Infinity War
33. The Silence of the Lambs
34. Freddy vs. Jason
35. The Jungle Book
36. Free Willy 4: Escape from Pirates’ Cove
37. Bone Alone
38. Magic Mike
40. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2
41. Wonder Woman
42. And finally, 5-star reviews for Shrek :
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©2021 RuinMyWeek
50 of the funniest, most searing movie reviews ever written
- Movie reviewers have had some pretty scathing takes on films throughout the years.
- One reviewer referred to a film as like "Grease: The Next Generation" acted out by the food-court staff at SeaWorld.
- Another riffed "Some movies leave a bad taste in the mouth. This one causes full-on halitosis."
For many viewers, a movie can simply exist as something to fill a void of upwards of 90 minutes. Film critics, who spend their lives scribbling notes in dark theaters, ask for a little more.
" I have a colleague who describes his job as 'covering the national dream beat,' because if you pay attention to the movies they will tell you what people desire and fear in their deepest secrets," the late Roger Ebert wrote in 1992 . "At least, the good ones will. That's why we go, hoping to be touched in those secret places. Movies are hardly ever about what they seem to be about. Look at a movie that a lot of people love, and you will find something profound, no matter how silly the film may seem."
Sometimes the best thing to come out of a movie is a blistering review. INSIDER rounded up 50 of the funniest, most searing movie reviews ever written.
Critics said that heartbreak was preferable to watching "Valentine's Day."
"'Valentine's Day' is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date." — Roger Ebert , Chicago Sun-Times.
Critics eviscerated "Twilight," but the movie still made more than $390 million at the box office.
"I've had mosquito bites that were more passionate than this undead, unrequited, and altogether unfun pseudo-romantic riff on 'Romeo and Juliet.'" — Marc Salov , The Austin Chronicle.
"The Other Woman" wasn't a hit with critics.
"I know what you're thinking ... 'Enough beating around the bush. Just tell us whether you liked it.' Consider this, which I will say in terms this movie would understand, if you were on an airplane, 'The Other Woman' might not be preferable to simply staring into your empty airsick bag, but it has enough nicely executed physical comedy that in the event you become ill, it is definitely preferable to staring into your occupied airsick bag." — Linda Holmes , NPR.
"The Emoji Movie" has an 8% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
"This is a movie about how words aren't cool, but you can still expect a girl to fall at your feet in response to mild wordplay. Please keep up. Or throw whatever device you’re reading this on into the ocean. Send me a postcard ... tell me what it’s like to be free." — Kaitlyn Tiffany and Lizzie Plaugic , The Verge.
Netflix is making a sequel to "Bright" despite the fact it was totally panned by critics.
"While I had the misfortune to see 'Bright' in a theater, most people will simply press 'play' out of curiosity on their Roku remote. I am willing to concede that this might elevate the experience a little ... the ability to take a quick trip to the kitchen or restroom after shouting 'no, don't pause it' to your partner on the couch will be liberating." — Jordan Hoffman , Vanity Fair.
"Battlefield Earth" was a box-office bust and a critical failure.
"'Battlefield Earth' saves its scariest moment for the end: a virtual guarantee that there will be a sequel." — Desson Howe , The Washington Post.
The basic plot of "Milk Money" perplexed critics.
Roger Ebert imagined what the conversation between studio executives would have looked like when they greenlit the movie:
"Studio Executive A: Kind of like 'Working Girl Turns a Trick?'
"Studio Executive B: Cuter than that. We start with three 12-year-old boys. They're going crazy because they've never seen a naked woman.
"Studio Executive A: Whatsamatter? They poor? Don't they have cable?"
Even fans of the HBO series prefer to pretend "Sex and the City 2" doesn't exist, according to critics.
"When viewed as a rom-com, 'Sex and the City 2' is terrible and crappy and a horrific inversion of everything the show once was. But when viewed as a science fiction film, 'SATC2' is subversive, stylish and chilling. Like The Island from 'Lost,' we may never know The City's true identity — Is it a VR computer program? A malevolent interdimensional god? Satan?" — Cyriaque Lamar , i09.
Making fun of "Gigli" became a national past-time.
"Even making a little game of it, and trying to pinpoint the exact moment when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez fell in love, stops being fun after a while. Perhaps it's when he says, in an attempt to seduce her, 'I'm the bull, you're the cow.' Or when she beckons him into foreplay by lying back in bed and purring, 'Gobble, gobble' — which could forever change the way you view your Thanksgiving turkey." — Christy Lemire , The Associated Press.
"The Adventures of Pluto Nash" wasn't a hit with critics.
"It's good to know that, if we have to leave Earth someday, we won't have to go without our kitsch. Forensics experts will be digging through the rubble of this fiasco for a long time, trying to reconstruct the accident. How did so many lines fall flat? Why were the action scenes so corny and unconvincing? Who put the stink on this?" — Jack Mathews , New York Daily News.
"Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" has a 2% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
" At its best/worst, 'Superbabies' hallucinatory idiocy inspires open-mouthed horror at what happens when an ill-conceived premise leads to even more jaw-droppingly misguided execution." — Nathan Rabin , AV Club.
Critics thought "Gotti" was so bad it was almost criminal.
"I'd rather wake up next to a severed horse head than ever watch 'Gotti' again. The worst movie of the year so far, the long-awaited biopic about the Gambino crime boss' rise from made man to top dog took four directors, 44 producers and eight years to make. It shows. The finished product belongs in a cement bucket at the bottom of the river." — Johnny Oleksinski , New York Post.
Critics got personal with their contempt for "Jaws: The Revenge."
"In the just-released 'Jaws: The Revenge' the shark's main course is intended to be Roy Scheider's widow, Ellen Brody, a frumpy middle-aged woman played by boring actress Lorraine Gary, who happens to be married to the president of MCA Universal, which finances the 'Jaws' films and which explains her lead role. Let's put it this way: When you see and hear the nasal Lorraine Gary on screen you want the shark to eat her." — Gene Siskel , Chicago Tribune.
"One Missed Call" didn't warrant anyone's attention, according to critics.
"The kid in front of me spent most of the movie playing Tetris on his phone. I didn't care enough about the movie to ask him to stop, or to find a cooler game." — Wesley Morris , The Boston Globe.
The critical response to "Jack Frost" was icy.
"With emotions as sincere as the soap flake snow on its sets, 'Jack Frost' goes on to show how much fun it is to have a snowman as a loving, though dead, father … As one more Hollywood effort to look on the sunny side of fatality, 'Jack Frost' is so sugarcoated that it makes other recent efforts in this genre look blisteringly honest." — Janet Maslin , The New York Times.
"The Snowman" left critics cold.
"'The Snowman' is like if aliens studied humanity and tried to make their own movie in an attempt to communicate with us. This simulacrum contains all the requisite pieces of a movie, but humanity got lost in translation." — Barbara VanDenburgh , The Arizona Republic.
Critics saw "Batman & Robin" as more of a cash-grab than a movie.
" The people who made this movie — which, as always, is set up for a sequel — will be laughing all the way to the bank. But isn't there someone in that bank who can lock them all inside a safety-deposit vault and throw away the key?" — Peter Rainer , The Phoenix New Times.
"Cool World" was almost universally hated by critics.
"The plot of Michael Grais' and Mark Victor's screenplay is even more nonsensical than it needs to be, revolving around frequent unmotivated trips between parallel cartoon and live-action universes, and around the question of whether cartoon women will have sex with human men." — Janet Maslin , The New York Times.
"Titanic" won 11 Academy Awards, but critics thought it took its sweet time getting to the point.
"'Titanic' is a good, often stunning movie caught in a three-and-a-half hour drift. As we marvel at the physical spectacle of the Titanic's last few hours, we're left staggeringly untouched by the people facing their last moments. This movie should have blown us out of the water. Instead, we catch ourselves occasionally thinking the unpardonable thought: 'OK, sink already.'" — Desson Howe , The Washington Post.
"Howard The Duck" was a one-note movie that prompted critics to question for whom exactly the movie was made.
"The story has no center; the duck is not likable, and the costly, overwrought, laser-filled special effects that conclude the movie are less impressive than a sparkler on a birthday cake. George 'Star Wars' Lucas supervised the production of this film, and maybe it's time he went back to making low-budget films like his best picture, 'American Graffiti.'" — Gene Siskel , The Chicago Tribune.
"Catwoman" is considered by critics to be one of the worst superhero movies ever made.
"The film could have turned out worse, but only via the addition of a Tom Green cameo, or an accident in which the actors caught on fire." — Keith Phipps , The AV Club
Critics thought "Mac and Me" was a discount version of "ET: The Extraterrestrial."
"'Mac and Me,' which opened yesterday at the Guild and other theaters, has a final police shootout and a fiery explosion in which Eric is the victim. When a doctor announced that Eric was gone, a small boy behind me said, 'He ain't dead,' with all the calm assurance of an experienced moviegoer who knows perfectly well that if E.T. came back, so would Eric. Cloning is a dangerous thing." — Caryn James , The New York Times.
Only a sucker would bother watching "Sucker Punch" after reading reviews.
"In the end, though the metaphor of mental institution as battleground is an interesting one to explore, that is not the analysis at the heart of this movie. Nope, 'Sucker Punch' is a two-hour $82 million fetish film examining how hot sad schoolgirls look when holding weapons. Snyder should have just made a porn movie — it might have been better, and it definitely would have been cheaper and more honest." — Dodai Stewart , Jezebel.
"Movie 43" prompted devastating reviews.
"It's as if 'Movie 43' was itself a feature-length f--- you to Hollywood, a movie made simply to show how bad a movie a studio could be induced to make and actors could be persuaded to act in." — Richard Brody , The New Yorker.
The best thing critics could say about "Fifty Shades Freed" was that the trilogy was finally over.
"Universal has had some fun with its marketing campaign, using the tag-line, 'Don't miss the climax.' It's a shame, though, that the posters exhibit considerably more ingenuity than the film itself." — Brian Lowery , CNN.
"A Christmas Prince" falls squarely in the category of "so bad it's good."
"It's a Netflix original movie, but it feels like a violation of nature that it somehow isn't from Lifetime or the Hallmark Channel. Nathan Atkins is credited with the screenplay, but this film is such a perfect amalgam of established tropes that I am not entirely convinced that isn't a pseudonym to keep us from discovering that Netflix has created the artificial-intelligence technology to generate a script using auto-complete." — Dana Schwartz , Entertainment Weekly.
"A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding" seemed to revel in shoddiness.
"It plays like a piece of Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan fan fiction, written by a child who actually doesn't know who they are but has watched the 'Princess Diaries' films." — Carly Mallenbaum , USA Today.
Critics thought "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" was far too depressing for a superhero movie.
"An even less charitable way to put it is that a clearly excited 7- or 8-year-old kid sitting in front of me busted out crying and had to be whisked out of the theater by his father within the first five minutes. Perhaps he was unnerved by the harsh, operatic violence of Bruce Wayne's parents getting murdered — the mom's pearls get tangled around the gun, somehow, which allows for some very tight and poignant slow motion — or maybe he was offended by the notion that a 2016 Batman movie felt it necessary to depict Bruce Wayne's parents getting murdered. Either way, this kid bounced." — Rob Harvilla , Deadspin.
Critics thought "Transformers: The Last Knight" was simply too incoherent to describe.
"I'll admit, I've been dreading the thought of trying to at all explain the plot of this movie — even in broad, simple terms. I honestly had anxiety dreams last night about this moment. It's like staring at a projected kaleidoscope for two and a half hours and then trying to tell someone about the plot." — Mike Ryan , Uproxx.
Many thought "The Brown Bunny" was tedious and only remembered for its inclusion of one explicit scene.
"It's not really a movie. I suppose it's what could be called a recorded behavior. It simply reproduces, with some crude fidelity, the hapless anguish of a grieving man as he copes with his loss. It has no characters, it has no conflict, it has nothing that could be called a plot. It offers no reason to watch it — that is, no reason within the picture." — Stephen Hunter , The Washington Post.
Critics were thoroughly disgusted by "The Human Centipede," but they were also bored by it.
"This is one of those movies where victims repeatedly have opportunities to escape but choose not to, guaranteeing still more grotesque degradation, full of gore, torture, and sexual humiliation — and contains not an iota of wit or intelligence to justify any of it." — Michael Ordoña , The Los Angeles Times.
"Avatar" is still the highest grossing movie of all time, but not everyone was a fan.
"' Avatar' isn't about actors or characters or even about story; it's about special effects, which is fine as far as it goes. But for a movie that stresses how important it is for us to stay connected with nature, to keep our ponytails plugged into the life force, 'Avatar' is peculiarly bloodless. It's a remote-control movie experience, a high-tech 'wish you were here' scribbled on a very expensive postcard. You don't have to be fully present to experience 'Avatar'; all you have to do is show up." — Stephanie Zacharek , Salon.
Critics thought "I Know Who Killed Me" was embarrassing for everyone involved.
"Pretentious and inane, 'I Know Who Killed Me' arouses unexpected sympathy for its embattled star. 'Should we populate the movie with competent, strong performances, or were we looking for stars?' asks the producer, Frank Mancuso Jr., in the film's production notes. Out of the mouths of producers." — Jeannette Catsoulis , The New York Times.
Critics thought there was nothing redeeming about "Sorority Boys."
"I'm curious about who would go to see this movie. Obviously moviegoers with a low opinion of their own taste. It's so obviously what it is that you would require a positive desire to throw away money in order to lose two hours of your life. 'Sorority Boys' will be the worst movie playing in any multiplex in America this weekend, and, yes, I realize 'Crossroads' is still out there." — Roger Ebert , The Chicago Sun-Times.
"Forrest Gump" won multiple Academy Awards, but it still prompted some biting reviews.
"With two decades of perspective on 'Forrest Gump's triumph, you get the sense that '90s audiences were relieved to see a film that said it was OK — even honorable — to ignore all the bad stuff about war. So, too, was the Motion Picture Academy, which 12 months after lauding 'Schindler's List' decided, 'Screw it, let's give the awards to the movie that sells cookbooks.' — Amy Nicholson , LA Weekly.
Critics absolutely hated "Life Itself."
"'Life Itself' thinks you're stupid. Or, if not stupid, unable to understand how a movie should work. It's a movie made for people who can't be trusted to understand any storytelling unless it's not just spoon-fed but ladled on, piled high, and explained via montage and voiceover" — Kate Erbland , IndieWire.
"Ridiculous 6" felt intentionally offensive.
"There's the broad racism and misogyny of the piece. After the controversial walk-offs, Netflix claimed that this was 'satire.' It's not. There's nothing satirical about Sandler's bad Native American accent, which totally comes and goes, by the way, or Schneider's Hispanic caricature. Saying that this is satire is like the drunk guy at the bar telling you how many black friends he has after telling a racist joke. Don't fall for it." — Brian Tallerico , RogerEbert.com.
"The Village" felt like a waste of time to some.
" [M. Night Shyamalan] directs the material as if he'd written it (which he did), and not a single friend dared tell him the truth." — Mick LaSalle , SFGate.
The extreme level of product placement in "Crossroads" was an issue for critics.
"It turns out that 'Crossroads' is not a music video, not yet a movie, but more like an extended-play advertisement for the Product that is Britney." — Ann Hornaday, The Washington Post.
Critics thought "Grown Ups" was a lazy attempt at comedy.
"The movie is symptomatic of a social attitude that might be called the security of incompetence. There's something reassuring about a bad movie that doesn't ask you to think or feel or even pay attention ... we can all be happy D-minus students huddled together in communal self-disgust in a D-minus world." — Stephen Holden , The New York Times.
Critics thought "Grown Ups 2" was so bad that it made them appreciate the first movie.
"In 'Grown Ups 2,' which is set on the last day of school, our heroes are now all living in the same small town together, and everybody's pretty happy, so there's little to motivate the action. It makes the first movie look like 'The Maltese Falcon.'" — Bilge Ebiri , Vulture.
Some thought "Suburbicon" was too smug for its own good.
"You absolutely can fault [George Clooney] for wrongheadedness in making a movie that condemns racism, and specifically segregation in the postwar housing boom, albeit in the most broad, perfunctory, awareness-ribbon-wearing way while barely allowing its black characters to speak. 'Suburbicon' might be the biggest embarrassment to pious Hollywood liberalism since 'Crash' won best picture in 2006." — Chris Klimek , NPR.
"Mother!" may not have been enjoyable, but it certainly was memorable.
"I admired the camerawork, the wide-angle close-ups of flaring nostrils, and the pandemonium of the crowd scenes in the second half of the film when it goes haywire and insanity reign. It's an odd sensation to still remember moments of technical brilliance in a movie I never want to see again." — Rex Reed , The Observer.
Some thought "Freddy Got Fingered" was an embarrassment for everyone involved.
" This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels." — Roger Ebert , Chicago Sun-Times.
Critics thought there just wasn't anything funny about "Joe Dirt."
"Why do American audiences accept the stance that silly movies have to be terrible by definition? There's nothing enjoyable about 'Joe Dirt.' Absolutely nothing. Spade's generic nonperformance is the centerpiece of a very wobbly story, and he simply isn't enough of an actor to keep you interested." — Paul Tatara , CNN.
Critics thought "Fantastic Four" was the opposite of fantastic.
"My notebook usually remains near my lap, but at this movie, it made involuntary trips over my mouth to cover all of my gasping. The entire experience is shameful — for us, for the filmmakers, for whoever at the studio had the job of creating the ads, in which the cast appear to be starring in hostage posters." — Wesley Morris , Grantland.
"From Justin to Kelly" was embarrassingly amateur, according to critics.
"How bad is 'From Justin to Kelly?' Set in Miami during spring break, it's like 'Grease: The Next Generation' acted out by the food-court staff at SeaWorld." — Owen Gleiberman , Entertainment Weekly.
"National Lampoon's Gold Diggers" has a 0% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
"Just how repellent is 'National Lampoon's Gold Diggers?' So stupefyingly hideous that after watching it, you'll need to bathe in 10 gallons of disinfectant, get a full-body scrub and shampoo with vinegar to remove the scummy residue that remains. Some movies leave a bad taste in the mouth. This one causes full-on halitosis." — Jen Chaney , The Washington Post.
"Venom" was a tonally-uneven, muddled mess, according to most critics.
"For all of its cult potential, and my God, is this film rife with it, it is 'Venom's' insidious political intonations, which were entirely avoidable, that become the least palatable aspect of the film. And this is a movie where you see Tom Hardy eat out of a garbage can." — Sarah Tai-Black , The Globe and Mail.
"North" almost universally disliked by critics and prompted one of Roger Ebert's movie memorable reviews.
"' North' is one of the most unpleasant, contrived, artificial, cloying experiences I've had at the movies. To call it manipulative would be inaccurate; it has an ambition to manipulate, but fails … I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it." — Roger Ebert , Chicago Sun-Times.
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One-Star Movie Reviews That Are Weird and Very Funny
We’ve all had bad movie experiences in our lives.
Whether it happened to be in the movie theater (remember those?!?!) or an at-home viewing, seeing a real stinker of a movie can be a bummer because you spent money on it AND you’ll never get that time back again.
The people who wrote these one-star movie reviews might have a few screws loose, though, because some of their reasoning for NOT liking a particular film is totally whack and definitely out of left field, so to speak.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy these very entertaining movie reviews!
1. You blew it!
And then you blamed it on the movie!
Joker. pic.twitter.com/DSGALU0bL5 — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 23, 2020
2. This is incredible.
The nerve of some people…mind-blowing.
Cats (2019). pic.twitter.com/BuejmT6lvC — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 15, 2020
3. This is very deep.
You should be a film critic! For real!
The Invisible Man (2020). pic.twitter.com/LVH8ulKzFz — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) April 28, 2020
4. You should’ve stuck around for the end.
You would’ve loved it!
Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood. pic.twitter.com/vaFVRaKTVr — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 7, 2020
5. This movie watcher seems a little bit paranoid.
Dabbling in conspiracy theories.
Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi. pic.twitter.com/a3mtv7Woh7 — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) December 26, 2019
6. “There wasn’t any aliens.”
I could’ve sworn Neil Armstrong saw some…
First Man. pic.twitter.com/9VGX5spfmA — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) December 19, 2019
7. Well, now I have to see this movie.
It looks amazing!
pic.twitter.com/0z9jpztx7G — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) November 29, 2019
8. Hahahaha. Wow.
Maybe he was lying to you?
Goodfellas. pic.twitter.com/nKDNnc6V43 — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) November 27, 2019
9. This film needs to be renamed NOW.
This is an excellent point.
Frozen. pic.twitter.com/tbF9zUsx1b — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) November 23, 2019
10. Lose the jeans, bro.
This ruined the entire experience.
Aquaman. pic.twitter.com/3rYYN8hmsJ — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) November 20, 2019
11. You might be right.
He does seem to keep finding himself in these situations.
Taken 3. pic.twitter.com/8UwztJuowN — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) November 19, 2019
12. I think you rented the wrong movie.
Next time, look a little bit closer.
Air Bud. pic.twitter.com/rCAUCdUgrh — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) November 18, 2019
13. Can’t handle the subtitles.
I ain’t reading no movie!
Parasite. #Oscars pic.twitter.com/X6jkCCzWqX — Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 10, 2020
How about you?
What movies do you think are real stinkers and only deserve one star?
Talk to us in the comments and let us know!
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21 Unintentionally Hilarious One-Star Amazon Movie Reviews
A top rating used to mean a product or service was exceptional — think “five-star hotel.” But now, from Amazon to Yelp
It’s an excellent marketing strategy to validate a product, services or company
In the past few decades, reviews have become an inextricable part of the cultural identity of movies, more so than perhaps any other creative medium. The obsession has culminated into the coveted film status of a “Certified Fresh” rating on Rotten Tomatoes, a site that aggregates film reviews by both professional critic and user alike and doles out a score based on the collection’s averages. Social media platforms have even been built around the idea of reviewing movies with your friends, with one of the most popular renditions being Letterboxd.
However, as valuable as reviews can be for understanding different perspectives and informing readers, they must also be taken with a grain of salt. Not every review is created equal, and some are so misguided that they work better as jokes than as constructive commentary or criticism. We’ve done you the favor of collecting a list of the most hilarious reviews that left us scratching our heads in disbelief.
Check out these hilarious one-star reviews on Amazon and tell us what you think.
Taken 3 (2014)
We’re starting to think the same.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)
We don’t blame her if she did.
The Shape Of Water (2017)
Fish porn is definitely not for everyone.
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
There weren’t any wolves, but Jonah Hill was hilarious.
Aquaman (2018)
It’s Aquaman! He can wear whatever he wants.
Bumblebee (2018)
But his battle suit makes him look like a bee. Guess that doesn’t count.
Magic Mike (2012)
We were happily surprised by the lack of magicians.
Toy Story (1995)
Some of us think there’s always a dark side to every toy.
Pitch Perfect (2012)
You might want to try A League of Their Own next time.
Rent (2005)
How dare you Chris Columbus for allowing this to happen?!
The Blair Witch Project (1999)
But what about the free shipping with your Prime membership?
Free Solo (2018)
“Uuuuuuuuuuuuur ahhhhhhhhrrrrrr uhrrrr ahhhhrrrrrrr aaaaaaarhg…”
Pans Labyrinth (2006)
Their autocorrect might have been turned off when they dropped this review.
Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse (2018)
It makes you wonder what other movies they rented without permission.
Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
We’re wondering if this is the same person who gave Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse a one star.
Black Swan (2010)
We’re now questioning Darren Aronofsky’s ability to manage risks in the financial markets.
The Lion King (1994)
Do you mean animals don’t talk?
The Emoji Movie (2017)
Why did you have to ruin a perfectly good movie with horrible news?
Frozen (2010)
Definitely the wrong film.
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
We don’t have a counter-argument to that.
Deadpool (2016)
We don’t even know who Ryan Roberts is.
Midsommar (2019)
We’re not going to argue. It was pretty twisted.
Shoplifters (2018)
It took you two minutes to realize that it’s in Japanese?
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Hilarious one star reviews for entertainment classics
BY Mandi Goodier
1st Jan 2015 Humour
Who needs critics when websites come with user reviews. This lot have something to say about the books, movies and music that are commonly considered classics. All reviews are unedited (including spelling mistakes and typos—fun!).
Where are all the giants?
Animal farm by george orwell.
“This book is terrible. I mean, I know it was written like ages ago when movies were all about giants, ants and stuff, but none of the animals on this farm were even radioactive or giant or anything, so who cares?”
— Maskoolio
Although we're on the critics' side here, we do agree that the story would have been a little enhanced by a radioactive pig or two.
It's not even in colour!
Schindler’s list.
“I’ve got a 42-inch LCD TV with Blu-ray, and it’s the business. I don’t expect to have to watch black-and-white films on it. Save up and buy a colour camera, Mr Spielberg, you moron! Then perhaps people will watch your stupid films.”
So we're going to assume you didn't get to the bit with the red coat?
A misleading title
Sgt pepper’s lonely hearts club band by the beatles.
“The title is very misleading. I thought I was buying an album called ‘Beatles’ by a brass band named ‘Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’, only to learn when I got home and played it that it was the opposite.”
— Alf Tupper
You should try playing it backwards Alf, it's a whole new record!
Low expectations
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
“Sorry, I haven’t read this one yet, so cannot comment.”
Come on Peggy! Put the effort in!
Stupid whale
"Went in to too much trouble to save the whale. The kid did. They should of killed the whale and ate it."
Perhaps you're right, "Eat Willy" does have a ring to it...
Toy Story 3
" Dont like tom hanks"
Oh, come on now, poor Tom.
Emma by Jane Austen
"I hate it. So boring. I fell asleep at the first page. its great if youre into that old 1800s kind of speech."
Not content with insulting Tom Hanks, Pen Name has now moved onto Jane Austen. In another century someone will be falling asleep at this very sentence; unless they're into that old 2000s kind of speech.
Wizard of Oz
"There's something about people breaking out into song and dance for every insogniffogant thing that really bugs me."
— Bob Marley
The real Bob Marley might have something to say about this!
Rumours by Fleetwood Mac
"I listened to this album, and my eardrums popped. Stevie Nicks' vocals are so high, he sounds like a girl. Seriously, sing like a man, like Chad Kroeger from Nickelback."
— Flaming Mudkipon
That Stevie Nicks, he's so great. Wait, what do you mean she's a woman? But her name's Steve?! Hang on, Chad Kroeger's definitely a bloke right?
Didn't keep my interest
Anna karenina by leo tolstoy .
"Parts of the book were discussing political views nothing to do with Anna. It appeared their were many main characters not only Anna."
Right, let's do this Judy. Let's rewrite Anna Karenina, but make it just about her. No other characters. No broader context. No fancy frocks. Just her, and maybe some cats.
Please smile Joni, it's only love
Blue by joni mitchell.
"Joni sounds oh so sad and depressed on this album, like she lost her best friend. I want to paint her a happy face, and remind her there is so much more to life than unrequited love. Please Joni, keep your chin up, and smile, if only for a little while. Damn those blues away!!!!!!!!!!!."
But why stop at Joni Mitchell? I'll supply the paintbrushes, we're gonna paint the world happy!
This books should be banned for 100 years in SOLITARY!!!
One hundred years of solitude by gabriel garcia marquez.
"This book won the NOBEL Prize? I just can't help it, I need to write another review. This book should be placed in Solitary Confinement for 100 years. This is to save both time and trees used in printing of this book."
Just when you thought it couldn't get any more solitary.
(All the above statements were found on Amazon and are unedited.)
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17 Chaotic One-Star Reviews That Were Unintentionally Hilarious
Vote up the funniest one-star reviews.
Some one-star reviews deserve five stars for comedy.
All posts sourced from r/ 1star .
1. An Expensive Printer Has Apparently Come To Life
- u/my_ridiculous_name
2. Infuriating And Kind Of Wholesome
3. Why Give This Type Of Review Over An Ad?!
- u/37th_Story_Boredom
5. Pre-Built Legos
- u/Atom_Breaker
6. Needs A Little Less Yellow
- u/8306623863
7. It's The Entitlement
8. Angry That A Pool Has Ice... In January...
- u/applebeesknees18
9. Kids Will Be Kids
- u/ConsiderationOk8553
10. Why Did They Censor The Word Like That
- u/alanpartridgeisle
11. Now It's Unplayable
- u/ArdesWolf
12. Someone Has Made A Mistake
- u/Lorosaurus
13. Giving A One-Star Review Because Of The Weather
- u/aggierogue3
14. Angry That Grape-Nuts Have No Grapes Or Nuts
- a former Redditor
15. This Makes Absolutely No Sense Whatsoever
- u/christa53
16. 'Chashu' Literally Means Braised Pork Belly, By The Way
- u/Alexeleni
17. Is Cheyenne All Right
- u/stabbyburgerman
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Years ago, I became fascinated with deranged one-star reviews on Yelp. Now I’m trying to find the people who write them.
I don’t know Sara beyond the few details Yelp provides: She’s from a Pittsburgh suburb, she’s been writing reviews since 2010, and she gave the Grand Canyon one star. “Nothing here but desiccated bone dry just like California drought,” she writes, sounding like a modernist in need of a nap. “In awe for a brief 5 minutes and then the kids will realize it’s just rocks without entertainment, restrooms.”
I’m mesmerized by each of Sara’s 13 one-star reviews. In her decade-plus as an amateur critic, she has evaluated a sushi restaurant in Oregon (“The fishes were so smelly”), the city of San José (“School shootings at its best”), and a 24 Hour Fitness (“the scale was broken. the machines were broken. and Tom is broken”).
Yelp had been around for close to a decade before I ever read a review. A friend, a barista, told me he had been singled out in a one-star assessment and was worried he might be fired. The critic had been incensed about the wait time. “Doesn’t that come with ordering a pour-over?” my friend asked me.
I told him I’d write a five-star review to offset the negative score and, hopefully, prevent his termination, even though I knew I couldn’t do it under my name. I was teaching high school then and tried my best to remain anonymous online, scared my students might discover I had a personal life. I knew I’d need to defend my friend with an alias, though I didn’t know where to start. At the time, my go-to karaoke song was Sugar Ray’s 1997 hit “Fly,” so, as a tribute, I decided to write from the perspective of Mark McGrath, the lead singer of the band and the sometime host of television’s Extra . Mark loved the coffee shop. He especially liked my friend.
The change was immediate. My five stars effectively erased the stranger’s one, and my friend kept his job. With the Yelp app now on my home screen, I began looking up my other local haunts, horrified to find that they were also being unjustly maligned. Mark got to work, writing rave reviews for my corner bar, the after-hours taqueria, and Underdogs, a hot dog spot I’d never patronized but that had nonetheless earned my respect for its pun-filled menu. He bragged about touring with Crazy Town while he complimented the bar’s nachos. He quoted from his songs as he praised the taqueria’s chorizo. He even claimed he was living in a lair below Underdogs, that the universe had called him to move to the City of Brotherly Love.
As time went on, Mark went quiet, though I continued devouring one-star reviews, infuriated by their authors’ self-righteous diatribes. Why did they think they were the arbiters of the world? And why couldn’t they see that their criticisms affected real people with real livelihoods? I’d search for a favorite spot, then scroll to the bottom, looking for the pettiest grievances from the strangest accounts to hate-read. “Asshole,” I’d mutter. Then I’d read another. After a while, I was no longer indignant—I was curious. Who were these people?
Tom D’Ambrisi has some ideas. He’s the owner of the Butcher’s Block, a steakhouse in Long Branch, New Jersey, who replies to his one-star reviews on Yelp. Ralph, who said the restaurant’s security was disrespectful, is a “huge Pusssy. The biggest.” Greg, who complained about the temperature of his porterhouse, is a “world class ‘blowjob.’ ” Reputation management firms urge small business owners to respond to negative reviews in a measured tone, with apologies for poor service, but D’Ambrisi has no interest in appeasing people who would give one star. “You leave reviews,” he writes to Ravin, who noted the difficulty of securing a reservation, “because you don’t get what you want rite away.”
Not everyone responds to one-star reviews, though plenty of people enjoy laughing at their stupidity. Popular social media accounts like Subpar Parks and So Bad It’s Goodreads catalog humorously ignorant takes on national parks and works of literature. Every post has the same less-than-subtle subtext: Check out this idiot. I don’t follow these accounts, mostly because they feel redundant. Anyone who’s spent more than an hour online understands that the internet is filled with bad actors and worse opinions. Also of note: Water is wet.
Dunking on one-star reviews also ignores their practical purpose as a last resort for people who feel they’ve been conned. My friend Alanna wrote her first one-star review after a restaurant botched the reservation for the luncheon following her grandmother’s funeral. Since then, she has written 10 one-star reviews, each with a detailed description of how the business fell short of its obligation. For her, it’s always a simple equation. “I wouldn’t be writing it if they had done what I needed them to do,” she told me.
I understand why Alanna writes one-star reviews. I also understand why someone like D’Ambrisi might get angry enough to respond to them. Still, I’m largely uninterested in reading reviews that argue the quality of service. The one-star reviews I love, the ones that feel like actual literature, have little to do with commerce. In fact, they rarely seem like reviews. They’re part obscured confessional, part accidental poetry, containing writing that has been liberated from distractions like narrative, punctuation, and coherence. Like great fiction, they’re elusive and complicated. Unlike most of the internet, they’re remarkably human.
Scroll through Yelp and you’ll find Mikey, who left Florida for California only to be underwhelmed by the Pacific Ocean. “I’ll stick with pools that can be heated thank you very much,” he explains. And Emily, who couldn’t believe that people were so impressed with the “national disappointment” that is the Liberty Bell. “Not in a tower. Cannot be rung,” she writes, “AND it’s broken.” And Nicholas, whose summary of a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth is surprisingly masochistic. “Spent thousands just to have all the cast hit on my girlfriend. I hate this place,” he says in his one-star review of Disney World. “I will probably come back though.”
Sara’s take on the Grand Canyon is my favorite, though, and is the one that still bewilders me after all these years. I can’t understand how someone could stare into the Grand Canyon and find it less than immaculate. I can’t comprehend how someone could stand on the edge of the South Rim and complain about the lack of cell service. I messaged her on Yelp to learn more about her experience, but she never replied. By the looks of it, she’s disappeared from the site. Her last review is from 2016 and awards the city of Roseville, California, a relatively impressive two stars. “If you love desert life, bomb threats, don’t mind getting premature wrinkles, burn to a crisp for 6 months out of the year,” she explains, “you hit the jackpot.”
All I have is what she’s written—these unbroken walls of text stuffed with run-on sentences and trivial complaints. But I’ve found that’s plenty. Whenever I return to her Grand Canyon review, I notice something new. The most recent time, I was struck by her sudden apology: “Sorry but it feels like looking at dead mummies.” I tried to decipher why she lists the most common forms of death at the park (“heat stroke, drowning, or simply drive off the canyon”) and wondered if I should be concerned with the way she offhandedly notes: “Easy place to commit murder. Just push the dude over the cliff and no body find out.”
And that’s when I started to see her, exhausted after a day of direct sun and lying on a stiff motel comforter. The kids are asleep on a pullout. A local news channel buzzes in the background. She’s typing at a furious pace, unloading all of the day’s frustrations into the app’s small text box. “No plant, no life, it’s like a picture of death,” she writes, then pauses, remembering the feeling she had looking down at what seemed like an endless drop. She recalls how small it made her feel and how, to her surprise, she’d found the smallness comforting. “Even death,” she continues, “I guess there is beauty too.”
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